How do you forget..

[freebird31]

I woke up from a nightmare i had of my ex. i have only dreamed of my ex once or twice and that was in the beginning of our breakup up....which was 8 months ago!!

This nightmare awoke anger and hurt i still have. How could one forgive someone who broke up with them , and then a couple weeks later was dating someone new, taking her to carnivals and baseball games. i saw the pictures. Is this even something to forgive? I dont think he was cheating on me. But he moved on so fast. Ill never forget the pain i felt when i saw the pictures. How could i ever let that go /:

[chinacat sunflower]

I was/am in a similar situation. My ex moved on quite fast after our break up. There isn't a magic cure unfortunately. The best advice I can give would be to go no contact. Take up a hobby (for me it was crocheting/knitting) and focus your energy on that. It's a timely process and takes patience. It's been a year since our relationship ended and I'm finally okay. New hobbies forces you to switch your thoughts into something more productive. It might sound cheesy, but it worked for me. Making sweet things that you can't buy in the store and forgetting your ex? Sounds like a sweet deal. Good luck and I hope you feel better!

[freebird31]

I was/am in a similar situation. My ex moved on quite fast after our break up. There isn't a magic cure unfortunately. The best advice I can give would be to go no contact. Take up a hobby (for me it was crocheting/knitting) and focus your energy on that. It's a timely process and takes patience. It's been a year since our relationship ended and I'm finally okay. New hobbies forces you to switch your thoughts into something more productive. It might sound cheesy, but it worked for me. Making sweet things that you can't buy in the store and forgetting your ex? Sounds like a sweet deal. Good luck and I hope you feel better!

 

But do you forgive him?....How could you find it in yourself to forgive?

[SilverlinedCloud]

I woke up from a nightmare i had of my ex. i have only dreamed of my ex once or twice and that was in the beginning of our breakup up....which was 8 months ago!!

This nightmare awoke anger and hurt i still have. How could one forgive someone who broke up with them , and then a couple weeks later was dating someone new, taking her to carnivals and baseball games. i saw the pictures. Is this even something to forgive? I dont think he was cheating on me. But he moved on so fast. Ill never forget the pain i felt when i saw the pictures. How could i ever let that go /:

 

 

The pain might still be there because you are stuck trying to figure out what his intentions were and whether or not he really was in love with you, and if so how is it he could do something like this and leave you hanging, i totally get that. Sometimes we hold onto the hurt because we are trying to use what we know about them in the relationship in order to figure out something that really has no answers. And its OKAY not to have the answers. Dont put yourself the firing line by checking out his social media, and what he is doing now. Its not and shouldnt be your priority because by doing that you make yourself open to being manipulated... not by him though, but by you

 

People do move on at different speeds and rates, it doesnt necessarily mean that their coping mechanisms are right or wrong, but everyone is different. The answers that you want for him and for why may not even be satisfactory enough for you because the hurt of his actions will always remain. Soon enough the pain will subside and be only but a memory but you have to make enough use of your time in order to aid that happening. You do not have to date, or go on the rebound but you do need to take care of yourself. Forgiveness i think personally doesnt come from the action of intensifying your thoughts on their actions and damage against you in the hopes that when you come up with an answer you can say "okay its all good". Forgiveness comes through self focus, self learning and most importantly self love. Dont blame yourself for anything, just take the time to figure out who you are as an individual, as a PP suggested, take up a new hobby, engage your friends, do things that make you feel humane and alive again. You cant control your dreams but i do firmly believe the more you consciously invest in you, your subconscious will register that and the dreams will become a figment of the past.

 

Hes always going to be there, but he doesnt have to have an active role in having power over your emotions, or you. Decide that that isnt what you want. Block access to social media. Do you and in time you can wish him well. Theres no rush for forgiveness but there is a rush in making the decision to take control over saying "how could he do this to me" because its going to dig this hole and then habit forming behavior becomes another issue you dont need.

 

You CAN let it go. Maybe not now, but soon enough. No one can ever hurt you enough but we can keep that hurt there because it keeps them alive n keeps our feelings valid. Your feelings are valid without all of that, give yourself a reason to move on... Take your time X

 

***Subconcsiously reading my own advice***

Edited December 14, 2013 by SilverlinedCloud

[2fargone]

But do you forgive him?....How could you find it in yourself to forgive?

 

 

 

What are you thinking here? What is there to forgive ? What would be the purpose? He is your ex, you have no business with him...

[HokeyReligions]

Sometimes you just have to power thru. It can take years to adjust your feelings and thoughts. Its taken me decades to get to a point where resentment is truly gone and there are honestly no feelings about people who have hurt me in the past. Its a daily concerted effort and every once in a while a stray thought will pop in - but I can get it out of my head quickly now because I don't feel anything. If you want to get thru this tell yourself whatever you need to hear and keep repeating it. That might sound silly but it does work.

[HokeyReligions]

Sometimes you just have to power thru. It can take years to adjust your feelings and thoughts. Its taken me decades to get to a point where resentment is truly gone and there are honestly no feelings about people who have hurt me in the past. Its a daily concerted effort and every once in a while a stray thought will pop in - but I can get it out of my head quickly now because I don't feel anything. If you want to get thru this tell yourself whatever you need to hear and keep repeating it. That might sound silly but it does work.

[chinacat sunflower]

But do you forgive him?....How could you find it in yourself to forgive?

 

That's a loaded question. Right off the bat, hell no. He hurt me bad. However, I forgive, but I do not forget. At least that is what I try to do. I'm not a fan of holding grudges. Life is too short. Life is too short for being d*cked around all the time as well. Set standards for yourself. Tell yourself that you will not stand for any kind of behavior that makes you feel bad. The hardest part for me, was forgiving myself. There is this term that I discovered called "gaslighting". 10 Signs Your Man Is 'Gaslighting' You to Make You Seem Crazy | The Stir So for months, and months, and months, and months after the breakup, I was blaming myself. For everything. And for the life of me I could NOT figure out what I did wrong. And then I found an article about gas lighting, did a little further research and it hit me. It wasn't my fault. I did nothing wrong. I am who I am. I did the best I could. Nor am I blaming it on him either. He was kind of……….well……very emotionally unstable. Something he was been battling with his whole life. According to his parents.

 

Anyway, I am rambling, but to answer your question….he's an a-hole. I do not want to be with someone who ended things with me so poorly. It blows my mind that someone I was intimate with hours earlier can just kick you to the curb, and never look back. He is a complete stranger that doesn't deserve my forgiveness. He would sh*t on it all over again anyways.

 

Has he apologized to you? Or no?

[freebird31]

That's a loaded question. Right off the bat, hell no. He hurt me bad. However, I forgive, but I do not forget. At least that is what I try to do. I'm not a fan of holding grudges. Life is too short. Life is too short for being d*cked around all the time as well. Set standards for yourself. Tell yourself that you will not stand for any kind of behavior that makes you feel bad. The hardest part for me, was forgiving myself. There is this term that I discovered called "gaslighting". 10 Signs Your Man Is 'Gaslighting' You to Make You Seem Crazy | The Stir So for months, and months, and months, and months after the breakup, I was blaming myself. For everything. And for the life of me I could NOT figure out what I did wrong. And then I found an article about gas lighting, did a little further research and it hit me. It wasn't my fault. I did nothing wrong. I am who I am. I did the best I could. Nor am I blaming it on him either. He was kind of……….well……very emotionally unstable. Something he was been battling with his whole life. According to his parents.

 

Anyway, I am rambling, but to answer your question….he's an a-hole. I do not want to be with someone who ended things with me so poorly. It blows my mind that someone I was intimate with hours earlier can just kick you to the curb, and never look back. He is a complete stranger that doesn't deserve my forgiveness. He would sh*t on it all over again anyways.

 

Has he apologized to you? Or no?

 

Wow i read the article. But thats terrible. My ex never gaslighted me. but he did once in a while tell me i was just being a little sensitive. But i didnt care. i never second guessed how i felt and i always expressed myself, which is why our relationship prob ended. Im not going to just NOT say anything and get stepped all over. anyway, the relationship was good. It was the BREAKUP itself that was complete ****. He was a douche bag to me from beginning to end of the break up. He would not respect my space to heal after time after time of me telling him to please do so. he stressed me out by contacting me for minor emergencies he was going through. He treated me so bad during the break up. He caused me so much PAIN. but the worst was seeing him with that girl. And the last time we talked which was 3 months ago, he treated me like complete ****. bc i told him he was undeserving of my polite asking of him to give me space. I told him he was a selfish person. Oh trust me, i got it all out. i never cursed but just told him he broke me and made me suffer throughout the break up. And even after that, he was such a dick to me. I think i burnt his ego a little when i told him all of this. becuase i basically told him he needs to let go of me! but he was so cold and i havent heard from him since. GOOD. and no, not once did he ever apologize. not once. and im starting to think its BEST. because i know if he did, it wouldnt be real anyway. And i blocked his number just a few days ago so he can never get in touch with me anywhere. And i dont want to hear his lousy apology. I think he is an immature selfish person. I mean we are humans, i guess we are not perfect. but if i could only gather up all the PAIN (not just emotional but PHYSICAL too) that was there and give it to him to see for himself. maybe then he would shut up and understand. And i just want to forgive bc i want peace within myself. But idk what it takes to get this. its been so many months, and i still dont forgive him.

[freebird31]

The last conversation we had with eachother was me calling him. What makes me so ANGRY is that months after months HE was the one that would contact me. I finally got FED up and i sent him a long message that said he was selfish and that he just cared for himself. I then ended the convo with another message saying he needs to let go of me like i am trying let go of him. And that loving someone means letting them go and letting them be happy without you in their lives. ISNT IT CRAZY????? ME, (the dumpee) has to tell HIM the dumper to let go of it. Even after everything he put me through, i still was so sweet to him. And i was so nice about it. Thats what makes me cry the most i kept giving and giving and giving. Anyway he never responded to the message. And so i called him. (also. THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME I WENT OUT OF MY WAY TO CALL HIM) and when i called him, this is when he was a complete a-hole to me. He brushed me off and asked why im calling him , and said he didnt understand me and told me he is trying to give me my space. I told him i called to make sure he was okay and we are on good terms....BUT NOPE. he was an *******. and he hung up. and thats the last i ever heard from him. i guess thats what makes in awe of the situation sometimes. i just wanted things to end in peace on good terms, even though HE broke my heart. even tho HE wanted to break up. I kept on giving and giving. and in the end i was left destroyed. So, NO i will NOT forgive him.

[SilverlinedCloud]

In terms of not forgiving him thats completely your right and your choice not to, but know that you may be adding fuel to your own fire. But try not to get 3 - 6 months down the line and still be telling the same stories about what he did to you and how he made you feel. 1 point to him and 0 points to you.

 

Exes.. dumpers and dumpees alike, there is always the possibility to get in contact, the lines are not blurred yet, they do suffer with the same symptoms of thinking they made a bad mistake breaking up, suffering loneliness ... sometimes is for a straight ego boost.. then when they get what they want they are out again, because they know with your giving nature they can come in and out of your life with ease. It happens and we are none the wiser because we think just for one minute we can actually be civil and it doesnt end up being the case.

 

Why did you need to contact him to make sure he was okay? It serves to set yourself back because you just dont know what reaction you are going to get. Not saying he had the right to be an a-hole but there was always the possibility.

 

What YOU need to let go of is the feeling that your actions as an assumingly good person were taken advantage of. Yes in a sense they were and people do that but only as much as we can allow them to - and maintaining contact after a breakup REGARDLESS [unless its a life death thing] isnt really the first option to aid a healing heart. Seems like you are pretty early into the process, read through other LS posts and consider how time will make you feel better int he grand scheme of things

 

Forgive to forget.

[BC1980]

You don't forget your exes. I still think of my first boyfriend sometimes, which was over 14 years ago. You make peace with what happened and learn to let it go. It is a part of your history, and you take the good from it. NC is key to this. Also, you will have to begin consciously rerouting your thoughts. It's hard to do that in the beginning because you keep asking "why" and continue to analyze. I analyzed my recent breakup to death, and it only set me back. 8 months later, I still cannot tell you why my relationship ended.

 

Honestly, letting go is a choice you make everyday. You choose to find new hobbies. You choose to get out and meet new people. During the holidays, you choose to make new memories. You choose not to dwell on the old memories. The old memories still exist, but I choose not to dwell on them. Today, I went to the grocery store, and it reminded me of how much I loved to bake for my ex and his son around the holidays. I saw some amaryllis, and it reminded me of how we always had one around at Christmas. Those memories are unavoidable, but I choose to reroute my thoughts and make new memories. This year, my sister and I decided to do something completely different for Christmas dinner.

 

Time will heal, but you have to make the choice to move forward as well. It's not passive unfortunately.

[freebird31]

Thanks so much. And you're right. Well we have been broken up for 8 months but NC only 3 months. But that's right....I heard when you forgive someone you're helping yourself. A part of me would like to forgive him.

 

And I did make mistakes. By enabling him to contact me. I could have ignored the calls and messages. Instead I replied. I wasn't strong enough at the time to ignore. Now, I blocked his number.

 

All this anger just came out of me and I thought I had let it go. I mean it would be nice to no longer care anymore about all of this and to genuinely want him to be well. I mean, I don't wish misery upon him. But still can't say "I hope he lives a happy life" and mean it, either.

 

But you're right. I mean I shouldn't victimize myself. I mean I guess I kept seeing like the dumper was the bad, emotionless person and the dumpee was the poor suffering victim. I forget that maybe breaking up might have been hard for him too? I try to give him the benefit of the doubt sometimes and say he did not know how to handle the BU.

 

I don't know if he contact me for ego boosts. Idk why he contacted me. It's like he didn't know how to be away. Idk. I mean I guess at this point it doesn't even matter what the reasons were. He wanted his cake and to eat it too.

 

In the nightmare that I had, for some reason he told me that I broke his heart. And i remember feeling awful in the dream and so guilty. I know, it's just a d

dream. But he never once said in real life that I broke him. In fact, it was me who told him that he broke my heart. I think when I sent him that message that told him he needs to let go of me, it broke him and/or his ego. It was like I turned the tables around and I was breaking up with him. And I think that broke him a little. I hope that he acted that way bc he was just hurt not because he's this awful selfish person I think he is.

[BC1980]

But do you forgive him?....How could you find it in yourself to forgive?

 

I still haven't really forgiven my ex. I don't know how to even go about that, and it's not something I dwell on. It's a personal choice to forgive, and it usually doesn't have much to do with your ex unless you still have to interact with them regularly. If it's really hindering you from moving on, you need to find some way to forgive, but I think that could take years. It might be the last step, and it might never happen in some cases.

 

One of my friends was telling me that she has just now come to forgive her ex of 8 years ago. She is married with two children now, and she actually, unbeknownst to her, took a job at the same company as her ex in the past year. She was shocked to see him, but she found out he was going through a divorce. She actually ended up talking to him, and they made peace with the past. There seems to have been cheating involved from what she has said.

 

I give that example to say that it' really a personal journey, and you might never forgive your ex. If she had never taken this job, she might never have seen him again, and it wouldn't have mattered. Life works in crazy ways.

[SilverlinedCloud]

Thanks so much. And you're right. Well we have been broken up for 8 months but NC only 3 months. But that's right....I heard when you forgive someone you're helping yourself. A part of me would like to forgive him.

 

And I did make mistakes. By enabling him to contact me. I could have ignored the calls and messages. Instead I replied. I wasn't strong enough at the time to ignore. Now, I blocked his number.

 

All this anger just came out of me and I thought I had let it go. I mean it would be nice to no longer care anymore about all of this and to genuinely want him to be well. I mean, I don't wish misery upon him. But still can't say "I hope he lives a happy life" and mean it, either.

 

But you're right. I mean I shouldn't victimize myself. I mean I guess I kept seeing like the dumper was the bad, emotionless person and the dumpee was the poor suffering victim. I forget that maybe breaking up might have been hard for him too? I try to give him the benefit of the doubt sometimes and say he did not know how to handle the BU.

 

I don't know if he contact me for ego boosts. Idk why he contacted me. It's like he didn't know how to be away. Idk. I mean I guess at this point it doesn't even matter what the reasons were. He wanted his cake and to eat it too.

 

In the nightmare that I had, for some reason he told me that I broke his heart. And i remember feeling awful in the dream and so guilty. I know, it's just a d

dream. But he never once said in real life that I broke him. In fact, it was me who told him that he broke my heart. I think when I sent him that message that told him he needs to let go of me, it broke him and/or his ego. It was like I turned the tables around and I was breaking up with him. And I think that broke him a little. I hope that he acted that way bc he was just hurt not because he's this awful selfish person I think he is.

 

 

Youre right! They arent always selfish and heartless.. you see and hear of some stories of peoples exes being real jerks, i like to take benefit of the doubt to the next level to say sometimes we dont want to always be presented with something as nasty as a break up.. wehther you are on the receiving end or you are forced to do it to protect yourself. Its not something that anyone would know how to handle - youre tearing the piece of someones heart away. It doesnt condone any behavior or hurtful actions but its always good to bear in mind that sometimes people just do not know how to deal with the emotions that come with it. I dont think i will ever forget my first ex.. incompatible.. yes.. highly sprung and still in love with him yes also. But he hurt me and i find myself bypassing all of the mean things he said because all in all i realise he is human as we all are.

 

You dont have to do anything in terms of wondering or wishing him, you just have to take care of you. Hopefully in time you will realise he would have taught you enough lessons for you to move on a better individual, including the ability as another poster said to redirect your thoughts from what is irrational and turn something painful into something beautiful. Its good that you have a heart and a conscience but dont be consumed by guilt out of what you could did or didnt say.It was all necessary and relevant at the time. But now whats necessary and relevant is how you move forward.

Youll be Ok!

[Volthi10]

I know that feeling of asking yourself how can I forgive him after everything, but the answer is quiet simple. You forgive and move on for You and only you. I have an ex with whom I was for almost 4 years, he cheated and dumped me when i confronted him. I was devastated, how could the day before swore he loved me and i was the best in his life, he hurt me we broke up and he was already seeing other people left and right. But It took me a while to realize that forgiving was not for him, it was for me and my inner peace. Once i did it was easier to cope and move on.

[freebird31]

Youre right! They arent always selfish and heartless.. you see and hear of some stories of peoples exes being real jerks, i like to take benefit of the doubt to the next level to say sometimes we dont want to always be presented with something as nasty as a break up.. wehther you are on the receiving end or you are forced to do it to protect yourself. Its not something that anyone would know how to handle - youre tearing the piece of someones heart away. It doesnt condone any behavior or hurtful actions but its always good to bear in mind that sometimes people just do not know how to deal with the emotions that come with it. I dont think i will ever forget my first ex.. incompatible.. yes.. highly sprung and still in love with him yes also. But he hurt me and i find myself bypassing all of the mean things he said because all in all i realise he is human as we all are.

 

You dont have to do anything in terms of wondering or wishing him, you just have to take care of you. Hopefully in time you will realise he would have taught you enough lessons for you to move on a better individual, including the ability as another poster said to redirect your thoughts from what is irrational and turn something painful into something beautiful. Its good that you have a heart and a conscience but dont be consumed by guilt out of what you could did or didnt say.It was all necessary and relevant at the time. But now whats necessary and relevant is how you move forward.

Youll be Ok!

 

Thank you. Your words have greatly helped me. Especially the part where you mentioned, we are all human. I forget that sometimes. We all make mistakes, some unintentionally. I know if he knew how much pain i felt, i dont think he would intentionally would have caused this harm on me. Im letting it go. His number has been blocked for 2 weeks now. im letting him go......I dont know what that really means for me. I just know I cannot have him contact me or be a part of my life any time soon, its too much. I need as much time as i can away from him for some reason...Something just tells me to stay far away and keep as much distance and space away from him as possible for now. And who knows what will happen in the future, i have no idea. I know theres a chance that he might contact me and i just cant risk that, i cant risk falling apart..i have come so far. And its time that i took control, which is why i had to block his number. I hate that it has to be this way. I hate the reason why we broke up. sometimes, i wish the reason was worse so i would not be left wondering about the future. I hate that it ended with him telling me he still has love for me and that he still attracted to me. Theres nothing much I can really do, just move on and be strong. i am very proud of myself at how far I have come and how i did this on my own. I feel like a different person, I never knew how strong I could be. And im glad i chose to keep him out of my life, it is the only healthy way. And perhaps, God has something better in store for me, im not sure. I still have so many feelings for my ex though, so many. But if i want to be emotionally well, if i want to be happy again, all i can do is move on for now. And who knows what will happen in the future....if my ex REALLY has to speak with me, he knows where I live, he knows where i work. If it is THAT important, a blocked number wont stop him.

Edited December 25, 2013 by freebird31

[loveiswar101]

. But if i want to be emotionally well, if i want to be happy again, all i can do is move on for now. And who knows what will happen in the future....if my ex REALLY has to speak with me, he knows where I live, he knows where i work. If it is THAT important, a blocked number wont stop him.

 

Well said, I feel the same my friend.