simplicity1 Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 I'm just beginning my second relationship approx. two years after the end of my first relationship. For the first few months my first relationship was filled with bliss, with daily expressions of affection for each other. We'd see each other almost every day (we were in university together) I felt extremely secure in the relationship because he'd be constantly expressing his feelings for me and constantly wanting to see me and I'd express feelings back and always want to see him too. But my second relationship (started dating a month ago, had "the talk" a week ago) hasn't felt this way at all. Not at Uni anymore. Although I started developing feelings for the second guy and we became boyfriend and girlfriend a week ago, something feels worrying and I can't tell if it's something real to be concerned about or just a product of me comparing my relationships. It's much harder to see each other frequently when we're working full time jobs, and so we don't. (maybe once during the week and once on the weekend. If I felt that we were sharing the efforts I'd ideally want to see him like 4-5 times a week). For a while he or I would plan our next date at the end of the previous one, but he kinda stopped doing that so I stopped too. He texts me a lot throughout the week, but it is not at all affectionate towards me, and he does not compliment me like my ex did. Wouldn't want him to give me phony compliments so I don't really feel like it's something I can ask for. I try to express my emotion for him in person, but it doesn't seem to affect his behavior. He's very physically affectionate and takes interest in my life and my mind. I wish I could feel like he was always wanting to see me though, instead of getting these daily texts and wondering 'why isn't he asking me to hang out??' a few times I've given in and asked him. He's NEVER declined an invitation and last time even skipped another thing he had planned to meet me when I wanted. But I DON'T want to set the precedent that I make the plans. Are we really going to go this whole weekend without seeing each other, in a BRAND NEW relationship?? I already initiated plans during the week and so far he has just texted me about random things this weekend. I'm worried at some point I'll give in and ask him to hang out this weekend too, but feels like I shouldn't, and also feels like this SHOULDNT be a problem at the very beginning of a relationship when both people should be extremely eager to make plans. I guess the short answer is: am I just expecting us to follow the emotional trajectory of me and my ex, when in reality it can take time, and it is harder when we're in the real world and not in school? *Or* are these legitimate concerns and warning bells? Thanks.
elbe Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 Relationships that start off with really high emotion tend to be roller coaster rides of highs and lows.
Author simplicity1 Posted December 14, 2013 Author Posted December 14, 2013 Maybe it's this effect? "While researching the components of successful long-term partnerships, Brynin found intense first loves could set unrealistic benchmarks, against which we judge future relationships. "If you had a very passionate first relationship and allow that feeling to become your benchmark for a relationship dynamic, then it becomes inevitable that future, more adult partnerships will seem boring and a disappointment," he said." Why we can never recover from first love | Life and style | The Observer
RedRobin Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 I lose enthusiasm for men who don't reciprocate equally. He comes across as lazy and not all that into you. Sorry.
crederer Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 Some people are different. Also, a lot of first relationships are regarded higher than they probably should be cause it's the first time you feel love and such. Comparing one relationship to another is probably not the best case. If you really feel he's neglecting your emotions or whatever you should probably communicate that with him. Maybe he was raised in a home where men are supposed to be the strong silent type and not express much emotion (I was raised in a family like that). It takes a lot for me to express the lovey dovey emotional stuff, so when I do it has more weight to it (imo) than someone that constantly says the "I love you's" and various other emotional stuff.
Iguanna Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 When I started dating my bf we met every day after work. We slept for like 6 hours every night and we were really tired but we didn't care. We were excited to be with each other. I miss these times now. What I want to say is, when two people really want to be with each other, they will, no matter what. It seems he is not too excited about your relationship. You have to talk to him about this. Hiding your feelings that early on the relationship is not gonna lead to anything good later on. I remember all these long talks we were having trying to know each other and we were getting exhausted of emotions, but he was always saying "it's ok, we have to do this, we are getting to know each other". I'm really proud of the great base we built our relationship on. Learn to communicate and say what bothers you. Guys are not that complicated like us and he won't understand it if something is wrong, you have to tell him. Good luck
Mariposa10 Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 Maybe it's this effect? "While researching the components of successful long-term partnerships, Brynin found intense first loves could set unrealistic benchmarks, against which we judge future relationships. "If you had a very passionate first relationship and allow that feeling to become your benchmark for a relationship dynamic, then it becomes inevitable that future, more adult partnerships will seem boring and a disappointment," he said." Why we can never recover from first love | Life and style | The Observer I hope this is not true
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