Should I just cut ties with him completely?

[Purple_Haze]

Hey all, so this guy friend I have was very close to me. I never did anything sexual with him, because he has Bipolar and I saw the unstableness that comes with that. So I stayed friends with him, but he would get extremely possessive about guys, and when he was drunk all he did was question me about this guy but when he is sober he questioned me a couple of times but not like when he was drunk I mean he was going on and on about it. He even said "You are my girl" which kinda creeped me out, cause I am nobodys girl.

 

 

He excessively says "I love you" to me when he drunk where as when he is sober he says it a couple of times, but anyways, he was put in jail and he had me pass messages along to his family and friends. He could make 1 call an hour and he could only talk for like 5 mins, so he took up my whole day basically with messages and such. So he spent the weekend in jail and someone bailed him out but he called me to pick him up and I did.

 

 

He was distancing himself before hand though, like I haven't seen or talked to him in 3 months then on thanksgiving I see him and he is all over me, and it was really aggressive. I have been around him drunk, but literally it was much more in the sense he was saying I love you way too much and hugging me way too much, saying how much he misses me, and that I am one of his great friends, and all this stuff. But after that he like never contacted me only when he was jail for me to bail him out basically, but all I did was picked him up. Well he is going through a really hard time and I told him to call me if he is feeling down and he was very brief with me and just texted me back with "Just a ****ty day" He hasn't spoke to me, and I think he is just a user. I think he only contacts me now when he needs something. I am so upset, cause I just don't know if I should cut ties? or if I should keep him in my life? He always contacted me first, and it seems I have been contacting him first. Like I texted him a funny vid, and he did respond, but it was a couple of texts then he stopped.

 

 

He also expressed much appreciation for the people that paid his bail to bail him out, but I wasn't mentioned. I mean I should have just as much appreciation, he took up my whole day with calls and I called everyone he wanted me to, and I even picked him up, and I did favors for him before, but yet he just praises the people that bailed him and paid it. I just feel used, but I don't know if I am over reacting? or if he is just a user? Tell your thoughts on this, thank you!

[BlametheIrish]

He doesn't sound like much of a friend at all. Dpesnt seem to respect you or your boundaries. Is thankless of your help, and seems like a bad petson in general. Id suggest removing him from your life completely, or at the very least leave him alone unless he is on his meds.

[ThatMan]

May I ask why he went to jail?

I'm curious because there might be a very thin line between being aggressive versus becoming outright dangerous.

[Purple_Haze]

He doesn't sound like much of a friend at all. Dpesnt seem to respect you or your boundaries. Is thankless of your help, and seems like a bad petson in general. Id suggest removing him from your life completely, or at the very least leave him alone unless he is on his meds.

 

 

 

Yeah, I agree! It just hurts and it sucks cause I really thought we were friends, but he doesn't seem to contact me much anymore. Like in the beginning when I first knew him all he did was call and text me, and he even told me his deepest issues that a lot of people don't know about, and I helped him through his problems and he seemed appreciative of that, but he is going through problems right now, and he won't call me. Like if I helped him before then why not call me? He started to distance himself from me. He was always trying with me everytime I saw him though, like he always tried to kiss me, date me etc.

 

 

Then he gets jealous if I go out with other guys, it's like why do you care? He confuses me cause he gets super jealous about other guys an says I am "his girl" but yet won't talk to me, and distances himself from me. I am so confused and hurt, cause I had my guard up and he torn it down cause I truly thought he was a friend, it just hurts. Thank you for your comment though! I need opinions on this matter! Thanks!

[Purple_Haze]

May I ask why he went to jail?

I'm curious because there might be a very thin line between being aggressive versus becoming outright dangerous.

 

 

 

Yeah, sorry I didn't go into detail about that. Well personally, I think he is lying to me about it. He has ex issues, and him and his ex have a baby, but the ex moved on and got a new boyfriend and Tim (my friend) got really upset about that, and got very jealous about that. She won't let Tim see their baby, so Tim is mad cause his baby is around the ex's boyfriend, and such. He claims he got thrown in jail by the ex cause he violated a PFA back in 2011, which I think is a lie, and another reason she got him on stalking and harassment. He said though he didn't stalk her, and that he had other people stalk for him, which I think is downright WRONG, but he told me all of this after I picked him up. He didn't tell me any of this on the phone when he was in jail, but I think he personally stalked her and he must've been face to face with her, cause I highly doubt she got him thrown in jail just because other people stalk for him and how would she know that anyways?

 

 

There is missing info in his story that he seems to be hush hush about it with me. Like he isn't telling the full details. I think he did something pretty significant, cause even his lawyer said for his bail bonds to be high like $600 then he did something to deserve to be in there. He did something pretty severe. Also he said he wasn't harassing her, cause he said the judge said he can contact her but it only has to be about their daughter and the agreement with custody of their daughter, and he claims that is all he talked about, but I think he threatended her. So, I think it's pretty severe, but I don't know the full details cause he is with holding info from me or something. Also when I asked him about his court date on Wednesday he said nothing came of it and he was very brief with me and seemed like he wanted to get off of the phone. I don't know, he is acting very weird and he has been distant. I am just hurt that I don't think he views me as a friend and honestly, I am torn, cause I know he is not mentally right I mean he has Bipolar and he is not on meds for it, so I don't know, I am very confused. Thank you for commenting!

[valerasoy]

Yeah, sorry I didn't go into detail about that. Well personally, I think he is lying to me about it. He has ex issues, and him and his ex have a baby, but the ex moved on and got a new boyfriend and Tim (my friend) got really upset about that, and got very jealous about that. She won't let Tim see their baby, so Tim is mad cause his baby is around the ex's boyfriend, and such. He claims he got thrown in jail by the ex cause he violated a PFA back in 2011, which I think is a lie, and another reason she got him on stalking and harassment. He said though he didn't stalk her, and that he had other people stalk for him, which I think is downright WRONG, but he told me all of this after I picked him up. He didn't tell me any of this on the phone when he was in jail, but I think he personally stalked her and he must've been face to face with her, cause I highly doubt she got him thrown in jail just because other people stalk for him and how would she know that anyways?

 

 

There is missing info in his story that he seems to be hush hush about it with me. Like he isn't telling the full details. I think he did something pretty significant, cause even his lawyer said for his bail bonds to be high like $600 then he did something to deserve to be in there. He did something pretty severe. Also he said he wasn't harassing her, cause he said the judge said he can contact her but it only has to be about their daughter and the agreement with custody of their daughter, and he claims that is all he talked about, but I think he threatended her. So, I think it's pretty severe, but I don't know the full details cause he is with holding info from me or something. Also when I asked him about his court date on Wednesday he said nothing came of it and he was very brief with me and seemed like he wanted to get off of the phone. I don't know, he is acting very weird and he has been distant. I am just hurt that I don't think he views me as a friend and honestly, I am torn, cause I know he is not mentally right I mean he has Bipolar and he is not on meds for it, so I don't know, I am very confused. Thank you for commenting!

 

Wow. He doesn't now sound like good company for you. You sound very sweet, and patient but this guy is clearly not in the right state of mind. You are probably very aware of this, but you must feel obligated to help this man out of a sense of sympathy. He's going through a lot obviously over his ex. Also the fact that he's off his med, his is very emotionally imbalanced. It must be hard to view this objectively because you're in the situation, and feel somewhat responsible for him.

 

But its not your responsibility. IF you feel like you're endanger, or he's not considerate of your feelings, boundaries then he's not a friend at all. All I have heard are the things you have done for him, but all he has caused you is pain, or emotional distress. Also him trying to kiss, hug and being possessive, he might have intended for you to be a rebound to forget about his ex.

 

Leave him be. It's one thing if he was in the right state of mind, but clearly he needs help. I would submit to you that you recommended to him a therapist or something.

 

Good luck, hun! And don't worry, you'll be fine! ^_^

Edited December 15, 2013 by valerasoy

[ThatMan]

Are you familiar with stalking?

When a man feels compelled to force himself into somebody's else life he has built a dependency on that person. This is the nature of stalking. The fact that your consent doesn't seem to bother him, and that he's extremely possessive of you can couldn't careless what you have to say, really freaks me out. You need to stay away from this person.

 

You've made a really terrible decision to bail him out without knowing the details of his incarceration. Please, don't ever do that again. Speak directly with law enforcement to determine the reason for an arrest before assuming the responsibility of bailing somebody out of jail. How would you live with yourself if he assaulted his ex after you bailed him out? What if somebody is seriously hurt or even killed? You are responsible for whatever happens. You had every right to learn the full details of what transpired during his arrest the moment he asked for you to bail him out. And you should have asked law enforcement.

[whichwayisup]

Too much drama! Really he has issues, so let his family or other friends help him out. Detach and distance yourself..Don't feel hurt since on some level you're not interested in him romantically, though you do seem emotionally attached to him at the same time, which could be sending him mixed signals.

 

Don't have to be mean or rude to him, just let him know that you do not like spending time with him when he's drunk as he makes you feel bad and it's not fun to be around him. (if he asks why you're backing off). Or be honest and just wish him well and that you think it's best you two don't see each other at all anymore. It's hard to do, but your own sanity now is at risk.

[Purple_Haze]

Are you familiar with stalking?

When a man feels compelled to force himself into somebody's else life he has built a dependency on that person. This is the nature of stalking. The fact that your consent doesn't seem to bother him, and that he's extremely possessive of you can couldn't careless what you have to say, really freaks me out. You need to stay away from this person.

 

You've made a really terrible decision to bail him out without knowing the details of his incarceration. Please, don't ever do that again. Speak directly with law enforcement to determine the reason for an arrest before assuming the responsibility of bailing somebody out of jail. How would you live with yourself if he assaulted his ex after you bailed him out? What if somebody is seriously hurt or even killed? You are responsible for whatever happens. You had every right to learn the full details of what transpired during his arrest the moment he asked for you to bail him out. And you should have asked law enforcement.

 

 

PLEASE READ AGAIN! I DIDN'T BAIL HIM OUT! I JUST PICKED HIM UP! Someone else bailed him and paid $600 a close family friend did, I DIDN'T! and the reason why I didn't is because I didn't know the full details of his situation. I know he has been bothering the ex a lot and I figured he got thrown in jail because of that reason. So I was on the fence about it. And since I didn't pay the bail to bail him out, I did make calls for him cause he asked me to call all of these people. Then a family friend did bail him out, and they wouldn't pick him up, so he called me and asked if I could pick him up and I did. I did ask him what happened while he was in jail and when he was out and he was giving me the same story. He was saying "I violated a PFA back in 2011, she is just out to get me, and doesn't want me to see my daughter. She thinks cause she has a new boyfriend now that Sarah (his daughter) doesn't need her real dad." "She got me on harassment and stalking, when I didn't stalk her, I just had other people stalk her for me, but that was on them." "She is just trying to rid me of my daughter's life, so she is trying anyway in her power to get rid of me in some way."

 

 

Do you think I was buying that? No! I was confused and didn't know what to say, cause I don't know if he is telling the truth or not. And to be honest, I really don't think that was the case. I think he did do something pretty severe to be in there, I don't think it was just the ex trying to be "treacherous" and "**** him over" I think he did do something, but he isn't saying what really happened to me.

 

 

Like I said, I am so torn, because I have developed a close bond with him over the past year, despite of his illness, I helped him through a lot, and he did help me somewhat in my life when I was in a depression. I thought that we will always be close friends, but now I am questioning if he really is. And it hurts me despite of what he is doing, and I know whatever he is doing with the ex is wrong, but I still have this attachment, and it's hard for me. Thank you for answering! But sorry if I seemed rude, I just want to get the facts straight. Thank you!

[Purple_Haze]

Wow. He doesn't now sound like good company for you. You sound very sweet, and patient but this guy is clearly not in the right state of mind. You are probably very aware of this, but you must feel obligated to help this man out of a sense of sympathy. He's going through a lot obviously over his ex. Also the fact that he's off his med, his is very emotionally imbalanced. It must be hard to view this objectively because you're in the situation, and feel somewhat responsible for him.

 

But its not your responsibility. IF you feel like you're endanger, or he's not considerate of your feelings, boundaries then he's not a friend at all. All I have heard are the things you have done for him, but all he has caused you is pain, or emotional distress. Also him trying to kiss, hug and being possessive, he might have intended for you to be a rebound to forget about his ex.

 

Leave him be. It's one thing if he was in the right state of mind, but clearly he needs help. I would submit to you that you recommended to him a therapist or something.

 

Good luck, hun! And don't worry, you'll be fine! ^_^

 

 

Wow! Thank you so much! I really do try to be there for everyone. Naturally I am a nurturer and I love to help people. I do care a lot about people and every person I am friends with my loyalty goes 100% But that's the thing, everyone was telling me to stay away from Tim, but I chose not to, cause I was thinking "They don't really know him, and I bet they are judging him based on one meeting with him" I always try to give people the benefit of doubt. The thing is I started to get close with him and I did like him romantically but I think cause of how unstable he is and such it put me off and it forced my emotions to go into "friendzone" and I was ok with that. I was ok with just being friends and nothing coming of it. He got really close to me and showed me a different side then what other people were telling me. Like a lot of girls were saying to me how he disrespected them and how he called them names, and such. When he never called me a name or disrespected me. He does have a tough exterior and I thought to myself "well people didn't really give him a chance, they didn't give him a chance to open up and really show his trueself."

 

 

I see though now, that maybe people are right. He I think just used me this whole time and didn't really look at me as a friend, and it's hard for me to let go, cause I was abandoned a lot by people in my life. Plus I felt a deep connection with him and I am so torn, cause I know what I have to do, but yet I am not doing it, and I feel so stupid. It's like if I know you are using me then break away, but I won't cause i'm the only person that is there for him, and I am thinking "well he doesn't have anyone else if you cut him completely" I don't know I am very conflicted as you can see. And I hate this, cause if he is bad for me, then I wish I could just shut off my emotions and cut him out completely. It just really hurts. I am utter confusion, but thank you so much for your kind words and wisdom!

[Purple_Haze]

Hey guys! Thank you so much for commenting and giving me your input on this matter! I really do appreciate everyones advice and wisdom I am just going to add here, that it makes everything confusing cause it's like I know he is just using me. But he messes with my head, cause see here's the deal. At first when he knew me he incessantly called and texted me and was talking to me a lot. He tried to go out with and date me, and such, but I declined cause of what people were telling me, and I figured I would have to get to know him a little more. so I figured I will just talk and text him, and I did go out with him, but it wasn't one on one it was with a group of friends and we always went out with a group of people and I saw how fun he was and how funny, outgoing and extroverted and I felt so alive with him, cause the people in my life are so dull and boring and it was like we were in sync. And even our friends said "You two are a duo" cause of all the funny stuff we did and how much we had in common and it was like he was something so refreshing.

 

 

But, I still was on the fence to go any further with him cause I did see his Bipolar episodes and it kinda scared me, I saw his possessive behavior too. Like he questioned me about the guys I went out, and I thought that was kinda weird considering we were just friends. He would always question my where abouts, and and where I am going. I let that go though, thinking it was just stupid. Then he starts to distance himself from me, and I was confused about that. He wouldn't text or call for a long time, then I found out he got a girlfriend, but he denied it to me and me only about it. Like when I saw him he tried to kiss me, and I said you have a girlfriend, and he said no I don't and denied it. When he told other people that he did have a girlfriend. Also he lied to my dad and my brother saying that me and him have been dating for the past 3 months, and CLEARLY THAT WAS A LIE! and my dad and him were talking about this guy named Sam, who I liked and Tim got all weird and jealous about that saying that I am way too hot for Sam and that I shouldn't go out with him.

 

 

He doesn't speak to me through texting and calling anymore, when before he would call me all the time about his issues and I helped him through it, and he seemed appreciative. But he would distance himself, but then when I saw him in person he was like all over like "hey we're best buds!" He says I love you a lot to me sober and drunk, but when he's drunk is too much. And when I saw him recently on thanksgiving he was drunk, but he was going above and beyond in the sense that he was trying so hard to kiss me, and saying I love you way too much, and hugging me way too much, and he kept on mentioning Sam and it was getting excessive.

 

 

He kept on talking about Sam, and he said "Did you guys have sex?" He kept on asking that question and he said "You are my girl" "I'm thinking back off Sam, you are my girl" I said "i AM NOBODYS GIRL, HAHA!" He didn't say anything. But do you see how that messes with me, it's like you don't contact me, but yet when you see me it's like were cool and you are all lovey dovey, and it messes with my head, because I don't know what he really feels about me. So that is why I am so conflicted, cause if he was cold to me to my face and didn't talk to me through the phone, then I would say "ok this guy doesn't like you" But it's a whole other story when he is face to face with me. Thank you for reading! and just giving more details on why I am so conflicted. Thank you!

[Survivor12]

Of course he doesn't want you to become involved with anyone, but not because he's jealous...He doesn't want to lose having you at his beck and call. He's a USER! He admitted that when he said that he had other people stalking his ex for him and then claimed it was "on them".

 

I know someone very much like him. We did have a "friendship" that went on for a long time (I had a LT relationship with his cousin) but I discovered early-on that he wasn't capable of controlling his actions when off medication & therefore couldn't be depended on to keep up his end of a friendship. Yes, at times, he was fun to be around and he did depend on me to be straight with him during the rare times that he was feeling remorseful and helpless. He has also helped me out many times, but those times were spontaneous because planning anything with him is futile.

 

The last time I saw him was about 6 months ago. He reached out to me while in one of his "I am ready to start a new life" phases. Before that, I hadn't seen him in nearly 2 years because he knows that I will no longer subject myself to him when he is manic and "out of control". When he called last Summer, he had been going to AA for a couple of months and had landed a good job. We hung out for one day (I took him along to my gym) and had a good time catching up.

 

Although I did hope that "this time would be different", when I found out that he was still unmedicated, I knew that nothing had really changed. Sadly, I was right. Since then, he has texted & called a couple of times (offering condolences for a death in my family) but it was obvious that he had been drinking, and his occasional rants on FB indicate that he was cycling again.

 

Early on, before I really got to know him, he did use me--for sympathy & comfort, a place to stay, or $ (I have to give him credit, though, for always paying me back). Once I realized it, however, I set my boundaries and let him know that my willingness to "be there" for him was contingent on him helping himself.

 

Over the years, he was in & out of many relationships. While I met most of them, there was one (the mother of two of his children) that I became close friends with. Their relationship was volatile and despite my friendship with him, I encouraged her to get away from him. I was honest with him about it & warned him that eventually he would lose her if he didnt change. she finally decided to leave, she took the kids, disappeared and filed a RO.

 

He was a complete wreck. I was there when the RO was delivered so I know exactly what it said--not only was he prohibited from contacting her by any means, it included contact made by family members & friends on his behalf. At their court date, the judge upheld the RO for her, but denied it on behalf of the kids and ordered visitation. As a part of the visitation order, his mother and I were named to pick up & deliver the kids as he was to have no contact with her.

 

Even though my situation is different from yours because there has never been any romantic feelings involved in my "friendship", I do understand what you are dealing with, and I can honestly say that the best thing you can do is distance yourself from his drama. You need to stop having expectations that he is going to change or that you can help him. He is using you and will continue to use you as long as you allow it or until he finds a replacement.

 

By the way, it's not necessary to tell him that you're "done". Just stop contacting him & do what you can to avoid contact. if he does contact you asking for something say "no". Don't offer explanations or reasons. It may take a couple of times before he realizes that you're no longer easily available, but when he does, he will move on.

 

I know that some will advise complete NC, and while I agree that would be best, when dealing with someone with a sense of entitlement & aggression, it's better to fade away rather than agitating them with confrontation. Of course, you know him and what he is capable of better than I do so it's your call, but since he is only in contact when he wants something, it sounds like you're the one who needs to let go.

 

Good luck.

[Purple_Haze]

Of course he doesn't want you to become involved with anyone, but not because he's jealous...He doesn't want to lose having you at his beck and call. He's a USER! He admitted that when he said that he had other people stalking his ex for him and then claimed it was "on them".

 

I know someone very much like him. We did have a "friendship" that went on for a long time (I had a LT relationship with his cousin) but I discovered early-on that he wasn't capable of controlling his actions when off medication & therefore couldn't be depended on to keep up his end of a friendship. Yes, at times, he was fun to be around and he did depend on me to be straight with him during the rare times that he was feeling remorseful and helpless. He has also helped me out many times, but those times were spontaneous because planning anything with him is futile.

 

The last time I saw him was about 6 months ago. He reached out to me while in one of his "I am ready to start a new life" phases. Before that, I hadn't seen him in nearly 2 years because he knows that I will no longer subject myself to him when he is manic and "out of control". When he called last Summer, he had been going to AA for a couple of months and had landed a good job. We hung out for one day (I took him along to my gym) and had a good time catching up.

 

Although I did hope that "this time would be different", when I found out that he was still unmedicated, I knew that nothing had really changed. Sadly, I was right. Since then, he has texted & called a couple of times (offering condolences for a death in my family) but it was obvious that he had been drinking, and his occasional rants on FB indicate that he was cycling again.

 

Early on, before I really got to know him, he did use me--for sympathy & comfort, a place to stay, or $ (I have to give him credit, though, for always paying me back). Once I realized it, however, I set my boundaries and let him know that my willingness to "be there" for him was contingent on him helping himself.

 

Over the years, he was in & out of many relationships. While I met most of them, there was one (the mother of two of his children) that I became close friends with. Their relationship was volatile and despite my friendship with him, I encouraged her to get away from him. I was honest with him about it & warned him that eventually he would lose her if he didnt change. she finally decided to leave, she took the kids, disappeared and filed a RO.

 

He was a complete wreck. I was there when the RO was delivered so I know exactly what it said--not only was he prohibited from contacting her by any means, it included contact made by family members & friends on his behalf. At their court date, the judge upheld the RO for her, but denied it on behalf of the kids and ordered visitation. As a part of the visitation order, his mother and I were named to pick up & deliver the kids as he was to have no contact with her.

 

Even though my situation is different from yours because there has never been any romantic feelings involved in my "friendship", I do understand what you are dealing with, and I can honestly say that the best thing you can do is distance yourself from his drama. You need to stop having expectations that he is going to change or that you can help him. He is using you and will continue to use you as long as you allow it or until he finds a replacement.

 

By the way, it's not necessary to tell him that you're "done". Just stop contacting him & do what you can to avoid contact. if he does contact you asking for something say "no". Don't offer explanations or reasons. It may take a couple of times before he realizes that you're no longer easily available, but when he does, he will move on.

 

I know that some will advise complete NC, and while I agree that would be best, when dealing with someone with a sense of entitlement & aggression, it's better to fade away rather than agitating them with confrontation. Of course, you know him and what he is capable of better than I do so it's your call, but since he is only in contact when he wants something, it sounds like you're the one who needs to let go.

 

Good luck.

 

 

Wow, thank you so much for sharing your story! I do appreciate you sharing your experience with this, it really opened my eyes. I appreciate yours and everyones advice. I am so sorry you went through that! It really is a horrible feeling to feel used But thank you, I will take your advice and everyone else who commented I will take their advice as well. I am taking it all in and I really do appreciate everyones input and your personal story on this. It really opened my eyes, and gave me some insight on what I really have to do. Thanks again! And again I am so sorry you went through what you went through! It's tough too when you have emotions involved.