iouaname Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 Hi all! I've been in and out of here so some of you might not know me, but about a year ago today my long-distance boyfriend of two years dumped me. It was devastating, and to say that this year has been the most challenging of my life would be an understatement. I had ups, downs, and some lows that I've never experienced before (including thoughts of suicide). As difficult as the year was for me, I learned a lot about myself and who I want to be. I still struggle from time to time, and I have been in contact with my ex on-and-off, but I am doing well. I'm a much different person than I was before. For those who are struggling, here is some advice that I have to offer: Find a passion: Distraction is the key. Rumination is killer. I remember how difficult it was when I used to sit and go over everything in my head. It just made things so much worse. Instead, find something that you love and work your best at it. For me, it was exercise and Yoga. I threw myself in to learning these and it kept me distracted. Don't stalk! I know that around here, NC is pushed and I would say that I agree that it's best, but I know how tough it is. Regardless of whether you're able to maintain NC or not, do *not* social media stalk. Don't get updates on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, because it's not an accurate representation of their life and it's only going to serve to hurt you more. If you DO talk to your ex, don't inquire about the details of their life. Again, they're only going to tell you the good and it's going to hurt to hear. Find your dignity: I don't judge people who fall apart and resort to begging, pleading, and allowing themselves to be complete doormats, because I remember that I was there once. However - months later, I felt as though I could have been over the breakup if I hadn't made a fool of myself and felt the need to constantly correct my mistakes with my ex. It hit such a low point that my ex said that he no longer wanted to be in touch with me because I was crazy. That was in August. Since then, my ex has initiated contact with me repeatedly for the past four months. No, he isn't asking for another chance, but it's clear that my more dignified attitude draws people in more than my pathetic begging. So for anyone who feels they've lost their dignity - fake it til you make it, and you'll find it again. Do anything you can to avoid doing things that will make you cringe later on. For everyone who is struggling right now, hang in there! 15
Softie Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 Very nice. Exercise is great for your moods, esp yoga as that helps with clearing your mind. I've also found sound baths great and reiki too for relaxing. Ensure you make plans with friends and family I think is also key. It's is good to have things to look forward too on the nights when you are alone or stewing over things. Have massages - you miss physical contact. 1
mikejensen3355 Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 Are you completely healed? I'm just worried I'm never going to be. It's been 6 months and I've hardly even made progress in terms of the pain, even though I've moved, gotten a new job, made some new friends, and have been exercising. The ruminating thoughts I just still can't stop and the pain is still intense sometimes. 1
KelC411 Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 Thanks for this! It is always great to get updates and some hope from other who have been through it. Very kind of you to post this and great advice! 1
cavalier99 Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 Glad to hear your doing well! Are you dating? Rock on! Cav 1
JDPT Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 Very happy with your progress, keep up the good work. 1
ClarkeKent Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 Its amazing when I read the stories on here. It some how makes me feel better. Not because of heartache you have felt but because I am not alone. You words and points are so correct. I certainly think you can open your heart but if they do not react then you must walk away as you have done and try to get on with your life. Keep it up. 2
Author iouaname Posted December 14, 2013 Author Posted December 14, 2013 Are you completely healed? I'm just worried I'm never going to be. It's been 6 months and I've hardly even made progress in terms of the pain, even though I've moved, gotten a new job, made some new friends, and have been exercising. The ruminating thoughts I just still can't stop and the pain is still intense sometimes. It's so hard to measure whether you're completely healed or not. I would say no, not completely. There are still times that I get down on myself and still times where I fall into bad habits of thinking/acting - but I'm much quicker to correct it. The ruminating thoughts an go on for a long time - that's why distraction is key! Find an activity that takes your mind off of them, if even for just a little while. The human brain is an amazing thing - eventually, it'll cycle through all of those thoughts too many times and they'll just start to fade. Glad to hear your doing well! Are you dating? Rock on! Cav Hey Cav! Good to hear from you! I am not dating, no. I've been on dates through this past year but I've stopped seeking them out. I've learned not to settle at all, so I haven't really met the right person for me just yet. It's okay tho - the last relationship was so intense for me that a break from dating can't hurt. How are you doing? Are things going well? 1
valerasoy Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 I LOVE, LOVE THIS POST. I am book marking this! As for mikejensen3355 I just wanted to add, you are exactly where you need to be. Healing is a process, and we must go through all our ups and downs in order to fully appreciate the struggle in the end. That way we are able to help others who going through the same thing. And from the sound of it, it sounds like you have made a considerable amount of progress in the past 6 months. The new job, friends, and place. Hey, it could be worse, you could be in the same place you were in six months ago, and there are people who stay stuck for years! Don't undermine the process you made thus far. Every step, whether little or big, is a step in the right direction. As long as you're moving forward! Love this post! Everyone here on this site should read it!! 1
Softie Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Are you completely healed? I'm just worried I'm never going to be. It's been 6 months and I've hardly even made progress in terms of the pain, even though I've moved, gotten a new job, made some new friends, and have been exercising. The ruminating thoughts I just still can't stop and the pain is still intense sometimes. You have a choice you either get stuck in it or move along. Thankfully I've always been a determined person so although I hit very very low points, I come out the other side and slowly get my mojo back to look great, be great, feel great.....no f@@ker is going to keep me down. One would suggest that you could do with talking it through with counsellor or a trusted friend or family member.
LadyM Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Are you completely healed? I'm just worried I'm never going to be. It's been 6 months and I've hardly even made progress in terms of the pain, even though I've moved, gotten a new job, made some new friends, and have been exercising. The ruminating thoughts I just still can't stop and the pain is still intense sometimes. At six months, I hadn't made much progress either. But I think you'll see significant changes in the next six months. It's fantastic you were able to make so many life changes in the past six months! Give yourself lots of credit for that! Depending on the relationship and what transpired, it can take a long time to heal. I NEVER thought I would get better, but even my pain eventually subsided. Yours will, too. 1
Am4Real Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Words for many to read and absorb. Don't stalk! I know that around here, NC is pushed and I would say that I agree that it's best, but I know how tough it is. Regardless of whether you're able to maintain NC or not, do *not* social media stalk. Don't get updates on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, because it's not an accurate representation of their life and it's only going to serve to hurt you more. If you DO talk to your ex, don't inquire about the details of their life. Again, they're only going to tell you the good and it's going to hurt to hear.
headinthecloud Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 (edited) It's wonderful to read stories of inspiration. Thanks, iou. I think the rollercoaster of emotions stays for a long while even after we've healed, like flash backs. BUs are traumatic so I think it's understandable. It becomes a question of whether you hold on to the moment or let it go. Great job and congrats on all your hard work. Keep it up! Edited December 15, 2013 by headinthecloud 1
devastated777 Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 thanks so much for the insight. I am in the fake it til I make it phase. Nice of you to take time out to come and post this. 1
Volthi10 Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Absolutely agree! Our dignity is the only thing we can save after we are hearth broken. 1
Author iouaname Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 thanks so much for the insight. I am in the fake it til I make it phase. Good! Stick with it. I know that breakups are rough. Mine was devastating. However, they're also an amazing opportunity to redefine yourself. I used to think "what's the point of redefining myself if he won't care/can't see it?" but eventually I started realizing that I could do it for me, the other people in my life, and the people that I wanted in my life in the future. I still have some tough days, but overall I'm doing so much better. I made the decision to finally block my ex. As I said, he's been contacting me quite a bit and I was accepting the messages. It wasn't really bringing anything negative but it's also not bringing anything positive - so what was the point, really? I'm happy with the decision, though!
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