Issues with this Friend

[valerasoy]

Good Evening! or Morning?

 

I have a situation I would like some feedback/advice/input on.

 

In fact, I have been dealing with this situation for quite some time--five years to be exact.

 

I have a friend; I'm going to call her Jessie. A quick back story. We met during our 1st year of high school at a Freshmen Orientation. As soon as we exchange our first few words, I sensed Jessie was a bit odd. Jessie is a nice, quirky and talkative girl who initially appears harmless and friendly. We didn't exactly hit off, but she was my first friend in high school and she accepted me. We also have some things in common when it comes to values.

After the first few months, she revealed to me about her anxiety attacks. Except she used to describe it as voices in her head telling her what to do. I recently came to the conclusion that she suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I may be wrong. Neither her parents or her ever confirmed this to me. To make a long story short, we have had a rocky "friendship" from her ending the friendship twice, us not talking for two years, me resenting her because I kept a lot of things to myself etc...

 

Now, I know what I just wrote might make her sound really bad, but to be honest she really isn't(also it's a lot of stuff. Five years worth, ha ha) However, she has improved a lot compared to high school--we are juniors in college now. We talk, and hang out from time to time.

 

The issue I have now is this: Although Jessie has improved due to therapy, she still has issues about her that keep me from opening up to her. I think a lot of it has to do with our past. You see, it can be challenging when it comes to opening up to her especially when its about her. That is why I resented her for a long time because I felt like I couldn't express myself. It's either she doesn't understand at all, or she makes a big deal out of it. I would provide an example, but I really want to finish this story up.

 

I feel bad because she has been a great friend. Everything that I expected from a friend: calling me, hanging out, sleep overs and just taking a stroll on a summer day, she's able to deliver. Also, I'm really short on good friends these days. Most of my friends from high school rarely ever call me, or respond to my texts or phone calls. Jessie was mostly there for me during the summer after I broke up with my ex, and my parents split up.

 

I feel so bad because I think I still resent her a bit, but she's done so much for me in the past two years. We've really been connecting since college started. Yet, there's still that side of her, that neurotic side that comes up every now and then. Also there are other factors as well; different senses of humor, different perspectives etc.

she also has this tendecy to obsesse over specific things hence why I stated she has OCD. This results in her wanting to be constantly validated, her repeating the same things over and over, and it's like she just gets stuck on this one idea! It's emotionally and mentally draining!!! Instead of just enjoying each others company, and relaxing, I'm on edge because I don't want her to get worked up over things--most times very trivial things.

 

I don't know how to explain it. It's like she's there, but here mind is somewhere else. I don't know if anyone has ever experienced this with a friend, or person. Yet, she's still capable of conversation when its about something she's really interested in, or she's calm. I don't think she does this on purpose; she seriously can't help it.

 

So, my question is, do you think I should just stop holding back and start opening up to her? Like I said, I have before and it was a hit and miss. It depends on how she's feeling, but most times it didn't end well, ha ha. Yet, she says that she's always there for me. I think she means well, but I don't know if she's capable of that kind of connection...

 

I could use a friend though...

 

Sorry for the long, long post!

Edited December 14, 2013 by valerasoy

[CC12]

So, my question is, do you think I should just stop holding back and start opening up to her?

 

Maybe you could give some examples of why you don't open up to her?

[valerasoy]

Certaintly! I was wondering when somebody was going to respond to this post.

 

 

Since college we've been hitting off pretty well. I became more comfortable with her, and we started hanging out more. She asked me one day if we were best friends, and I replied, "sure". I didn't think much of it since.

 

I realized that I made a mistake because she literally told every single person we encountered, "Hey this is my best friend." "We're best friends. "She's my closest best friend."

I'm not even kidding! Every person, every single time, they would hear the same line from her.

 

I started to get annoyed because I felt like she was misrepresenting our friendship. We had a real rocky friendship before; she stopped being friends with me freshmen year because we had nothing in common. Junior year I absolutely hated her because her anxiety levels were at all time high. WE really started talking more in college because we happen to go to the same college, and have the same class. Go figure.

 

Also, I didn't see her the same way. I liked her and she's a good friend, but it's not like we're super close like she claimed we were.

 

Anyway, I told her the truth that I didn't see her as a best friend. Or whatever the hell that means. She got so, so mad. She was like that's bull ****, you lied to me, you're a liar, ******* yada yada. And she stopped talking to me for two months.

 

Still till this day even though we made up, I still don't think she understands where I'm coming from. She sort of made it seem like, "Even though you're absolutely wrong. I forgive your feelings."

 

Ha ha

Edited December 16, 2013 by valerasoy

[todreaminblue]

what do you provide for the friendship....what do you have to offer her , what makes you a wonderful friend for her.....accept of course for judgement......let her go ....she isnt a friend for you not in your mind anyway..deb

[valerasoy]

what do you provide for the friendship....what do you have to offer her , what makes you a wonderful friend for her.....accept of course for judgement......let her go ....she isnt a friend for you not in your mind anyway..deb

 

From what she's told me, I am one of the few people who is genuinely nice to her. People used to pick on her because she is different. When she really just expresses herself differently.

 

I admit, I wish I could do more for her, but I try the best the I can. And I do that by treating her like a friend by being patient, kind and helpful.

 

I have contemplated letting go, but how would i go about that? It's not that simple. We have too much history and I hate abandoning people. Especially since I know how it feels like.

 

Thank you for the reply though! I really appreciate everybody's input! ^_^

[CC12]

I'm not sure I quite understand why you have feelings of resentment toward her because you don't feel comfortable opening up to her. I understand that you don't tell her certain things because she makes too big of a deal about it or acts awkwardly, but she's not making you do that. Keeping things to yourself is your own choice.

 

With some friends, you just kind of have to accept their eccentricities. That's part of being friends with them. I have a friend who doesn't drive, is consistently broke, and likes to ask for favors. If I spend time with this friend, I can pretty much assume that I'll have to pick him up and drop him off, we won't be doing things like going out for lunch unless I pick up the tab, and I'll need to say no to certain requests. We'll never be great friends due to these and other issues, but I can't really resent him for being the way he his. If his quirks bothered me that much, I just wouldn't be friends with him. It's a choice.

[headinthecloud]

If you can't be yourself with your friends, then they are not true friends but rather good acquaintances. Stop judging her. Either you accept who she is or you don't. Friendships are based on respect. If you feel that you can't trust her then you don't respect her and without trust and respect there is no relationship.

[valerasoy]

I'm not sure I quite understand why you have feelings of resentment toward her because you don't feel comfortable opening up to her. I understand that you don't tell her certain things because she makes too big of a deal about it or acts awkwardly, but she's not making you do that. Keeping things to yourself is your own choice.

 

With some friends, you just kind of have to accept their eccentricities. That's part of being friends with them. I have a friend who doesn't drive, is consistently broke, and likes to ask for favors. If I spend time with this friend, I can pretty much assume that I'll have to pick him up and drop him off, we won't be doing things like going out for lunch unless I pick up the tab, and I'll need to say no to certain requests. We'll never be great friends due to these and other issues, but I can't really resent him for being the way he his. If his quirks bothered me that much, I just wouldn't be friends with him. It's a choice.

 

 

The resentment started freshmen year after she decided to stop being my friend. I understand it is her choice as much as anyone else, but it did hurt a lot. Especially since I was nice to her, invited her to my birthday, and tried to be an understanding friend considering her condition. And she dumped me because of it.

 

You are right. It is my choice. Even after I forgave her, I still held a grudge, and resented her because I felt like she was somehow forcing me to not be myself. I justified this by our past interactions, and the way she is.

I know this is faulty thinking, and in the end it is ultimately my choice.

 

But, I hope you understand why I chose to not speak my mind most times. Also, I don't do well with conflict, I tend to try to avoid it as much as possible. However, ever since I've been attending therapy, I think my resentment towards people concerning not expressing myself, is really misplaced resentment I have towards myself. I just direct it on people. If that makes any sense?

 

This is something that I am working on; I want to learn to be honest with people and not be afraid of confrontation. If you have any tips for that please feel free to share .

 

I will admit I did have a hard time accepting this fact for a long time. A person should accept their friends for all their quirks, or flaws.

 

In regards to Jessie, I have learned to accept the way she is, or at least I am in the process of. I learned this after I told her I didn't see her as a best friend. I understand that there are somethings she just not capable of understanding, or not willing to.

 

The issue here is she still sees us as very close, and wonders why I don't talk about my issues. We are close where we're on friendly terms and know each others friends. I just don't think we'll ever be come close, close friends like she deems we are.

 

If you can't be yourself with your friends, then they are not true friends but rather good acquaintances. Stop judging her. Either you accept who she is or you don't. Friendships are based on respect. If you feel that you can't trust her then you don't respect her and without trust and respect there is no relationship.

 

I admit; I was really guilty of this, and somewhat now. I did judge her harshly, and I wish I could take back every negative word I said about her. But I can assure you that I do accept and respect who she is now. And I was wrong before, yet I don't think people understand where I'm coming from unless they have been friends with someone similar.

 

I do respect her that is why I don't want to mislead her again. She's a good friend it's just hard to connect with her due to her eccentricities/condition-- not necessarily quirks. Believe me, I'm a quirky, and awkward person, ha ha.

 

The issue is I don't know how to make her understand where I'm coming from because she's very black and white. I'm afraid if I'm honest with her, she'll stop talking to me all together. That's why I contemplating over attempting to open up by sharing what's on my mind, or leaving the friendship where it is. Like I said, it has a lot to do with past interactions, trust etc.

 

Now that you mention it, I feel like that is most likely is going to happen between us. We'll become good acquittance in the future. It seems more fitting. She deserves friends who are honest with her.

 

Thank you for the reply! Both your response have made me think greatly about this!

Edited December 17, 2013 by valerasoy

[rockmanmegaman]

I think you should help validate her achievement. People with anxiety have to suffer many terrible emotional issues that most people doesn't. They are living in a constant fear that people will reject or leave them. The fact that she ask you are you her best friend, and that she keeps telling people that you guys are best friend shows that she really value the friendship (and that she knows that the friendship is going to fail), and that she's really trying desperately hard to hold onto the friendship.

 

In fact, to her, your friendship is probably the best thing she ever achieved, or that you're really her only friend that she ever considered close. I can garantee that the reason why she stop being your friend many times was because she knows the friendship won't last, and that she doesn't want to be the one to get rejected or ditched. People with anxiety often get angry easily over what they think is a betrayal, because it's hard for them to open up, and when they do, they only do it to people who they think they could trust. Anyway, judging from what you said about her, it seems like she's been a very good friend to you.

[valerasoy]

Wow! I never saw it that way. Its makes a lot of sense, but if she thought if it was going to fail why come back?

 

Yeah she has been a good friend.

 

Thank for your insight

[rockmanmegaman]

Wow! I never saw it that way. Its makes a lot of sense, but if she thought if it was going to fail why come back?

 

Yeah she has been a good friend.

 

Thank for your insight

 

it's like a lot things in life. Sometime you know a thing would stuff up, but you just like it so much that you'll still pursue it. For example, a girl wants a bad boy as bf, but she knows that the relationship would be probably be bad, she'll still pursue it. Another example is you know chips are unhealthy, but it taste so good that you still want to eat it.

 

Now as for her situation. She sees you as a bestfriend, she really wants to hang out with you, but she knows you have other friends (and that she needs to compete with others for your attention). She probably knows her own fault and problems, and thought that she doesn't stand a chance with your other friends (and she probably feels nervous since you probably never show signs that you validate her). This slowly builds up, and eventually she'll break the friendship off. However, when you talk to her again, that gave her hope that "Hey, it has been a long time, we both matured maybe it'll work" or other reasons.

 

The mind is complex, but no matter what situation or angle you look at, she's the person that will always lose because not only she lost her friend that she considered close (I think you and I can agree that she obviously value you more than you value her), she also look like an idiot for spreading to people that you're her best friend.

 

But I'm not saying it's you fault and that you have been a bad friend. I know it can be irritating and annoying when having a needy friend. However, you just have to think of things like: Who will most likely be there when I'm upset, who will be there when I need help, etc.

Edited December 22, 2013 by rockmanmegaman