flowingmane Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 Flowingmane - did you ever get that worked out, what you were concerned about? Work in progress. Would need PM to explain. Thank you so much for asking. It's lonely out here right now. 1
flowingmane Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 (edited) Canned the question. Decided this forum feeds my insecurities and anxiety instead of helping me. I realize I'm getting more spun up than I was, and am likely making things worse. Too much estrogen? I think if the worst case happens, this will be a good place to be. But right now I could hurt him worse and hurt myself worse by exploring all the "what ifs". ZMM, will check in on you and see how you are doing. If you ever get to PM, let me know. Thanks folks. Edited December 29, 2013 by flowingmane 1
Author ZMM Posted December 29, 2013 Author Posted December 29, 2013 Canned the question. Decided this forum feeds my insecurities and anxiety instead of helping me. I realize I'm getting more spun up than I was, and am likely making things worse. Too much estrogen? I think if the worst case happens, this will be a good place to be. But right now I could hurt him worse and hurt myself worse by exploring all the "what ifs". ZMM, will check in on you and see how you are doing. If you ever get to PM, let me know. Thanks folks. I think you need 10 more posts and you are Established member and have PM, so just make 10 post. I have the posts, but have to wait until January 14th to be on for one month. I agree - this place is very negative. A lot of times, there are multiple ways to look at things, I tend to look at the more positive possibilities, most on here look at the more negative possibilities. Looking forward to talking with you. I have had all these major things happen and would have loved some feedback. Don't want to post it publicaly. Of course, I did the wrong thing - maybe, but it worked out okay anyway. 1
Aspasia33 Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 Flowing mane.. I'm sorry you feel this way.. I'm not sure of the rules here yet, but there are other forums around for OW/Om that are not negative, and people do treat each other with respect. Also I have learnt through my affair that the " what it's" can really do your head in.. Best of luck, if I end up sticking around here and get to PM, you can contact me. Canned the question. Decided this forum feeds my insecurities and anxiety instead of helping me. I realize I'm getting more spun up than I was, and am likely making things worse. Too much estrogen? I think if the worst case happens, this will be a good place to be. But right now I could hurt him worse and hurt myself worse by exploring all the "what ifs". ZMM, will check in on you and see how you are doing. If you ever get to PM, let me know. Thanks folks. 2
Aspasia33 Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 (edited) Yes, the BS working on the M does complicate things! And speaking as a very wounded former OW, it breaks the OM/OW's heart when the married AP appears to be leaving and then is hit with guilt from all sides. That is why you must let your OW be for the moment. My MM did this a few months ago...but not in relation to his marriage(he found that a good escape hatch) but because of issues in my life that I hadn't dealt with, that he bore the brunt of , and has for years. I am not easy to have an authentic relationship with, he has found. However, the thought he was working on his marriage killed me...mind you, I have broken it of with him multiple times in the last 5 years for the same reasons, (to work on my marriage, cant deal with the lies, guilt etc) and bless his little cotton socks, he dealt with what must have caused him great anguish with incredible sensitivity....I sometimes wish he would just get bloody angry actually? he is very much the classic split self, as am I. Edited December 30, 2013 by Aspasia33
Author ZMM Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 I was in the affair, and a big reason that I stay with him for so long is because this MM let me feel we are unique special deeply true love. he always say we belong together, or we made for each other and so on. after the Dday, I am kind of wake up and become more clear mind to see he never is a true love, what I have these days just a little part of him in real life, and in fact he never belong to me. now I am in healing process and I think I improve everyday, now the feelings of love and hate is getting less and less, I don't have much emotional when he tell me he love me or he miss me. I just see its a sweet talking to keep me aside to play with. Honestly still hurt but I keep not writing back to avoid communication. I start believe I will heal in the end but I also curious is any OW or OM finally finding your true love in life after the affair. Every situation is unique. But for me, I didn't even say that stuff. I felt it, but didn't say it. I wanted too, many times, but always held back. Like everyone says, actions speak louder than words. So, first things first. If this weren't a serious matter to me, you wouldn't be reading this thread.
flowingmane Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 I think you need 10 more posts and you are Established member and have PM, so just make 10 post. I have the posts, but have to wait until January 14th to be on for one month. I agree - this place is very negative. A lot of times, there are multiple ways to look at things, I tend to look at the more positive possibilities, most on here look at the more negative possibilities. Looking forward to talking with you. I have had all these major things happen and would have loved some feedback. Don't want to post it publicaly. Of course, I did the wrong thing - maybe, but it worked out okay anyway. Ok, will hang on for 10 more and try not to read much. If nothing else, I hope I can be an ear when you need one. Thanks for understanding what I meant.
flowingmane Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Flowing mane.. I'm sorry you feel this way.. I'm not sure of the rules here yet, but there are other forums around for OW/Om that are not negative, and people do treat each other with respect. Also I have learnt through my affair that the " what it's" can really do your head in.. Best of luck, if I end up sticking around here and get to PM, you can contact me. And aspasia... it's entirely about me, not about anyone on the forum. I was not mistreated here. It's that being here is a trigger for me right now and I really need someone I can talk through my situation with, someone in a similar place, rather than focus on the common shared difficulties of an A. Some make it, some don't; I think I'm in the hellish purgatory where / when those decisions have to get made, and I'm not handling it well. Thanks for the offer to PM, I might well take you up on it if you hang out. 1
Author ZMM Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 Ok, will hang on for 10 more and try not to read much. If nothing else, I hope I can be an ear when you need one. Thanks for understanding what I meant. I might even get a prepaid CC, and pay the one month fee, when you get established. Because the 14th is a long time away, just because of my situation.
Author ZMM Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 And aspasia... it's entirely about me, not about anyone on the forum. I was not mistreated here. It's that being here is a trigger for me right now and I really need someone I can talk through my situation with, someone in a similar place, rather than focus on the common shared difficulties of an A. Some make it, some don't; I think I'm in the hellish purgatory where / when those decisions have to get made, and I'm not handling it well. Thanks for the offer to PM, I might well take you up on it if you hang out. Yeah - and since I am in the same position of your MM, and you in the position of my OW. It would definitely be interesting to PM. LOL
scatterd Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 ZMM You mentioned you have no children. Have either of you brought children into the relationship which, I mean step children, I know that it is a hard thing to go through not being able to conceive and can cause stress in marriage. Marriage is hard it takes lots of work to make it work. Has their been any problems with health that has caused you both to not be sexual also? I have to think their had to be some kind of attraction and compatibility in the beginning to get married. You have mentioned many bad things about your wife but is their something good to go on that you can think about to think about? 20 years is a long time to be with someone and chances of being able to to do that a second marriage are low. much resentment also can be caused from having a third person in your marriage. You may not think she knows about OW but I bet she suspects and can feel the change. Not knowing the truth hurts more then knowing the questioning can make a person act out. I am just wondering if you think your marriage is worth saving.
flowingmane Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 I might even get a prepaid CC, and pay the one month fee, when you get established. Because the 14th is a long time away, just because of my situation. Ok. Watch my total. I'm posting elsewhere over the next couple days. 1
Author ZMM Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 ZMM You mentioned you have no children. Have either of you brought children into the relationship which, I mean step children, I know that it is a hard thing to go through not being able to conceive and can cause stress in marriage. Marriage is hard it takes lots of work to make it work. Has their been any problems with health that has caused you both to not be sexual also? I have to think their had to be some kind of attraction and compatibility in the beginning to get married. You have mentioned many bad things about your wife but is their something good to go on that you can think about to think about? 20 years is a long time to be with someone and chances of being able to to do that a second marriage are low. much resentment also can be caused from having a third person in your marriage. You may not think she knows about OW but I bet she suspects and can feel the change. Not knowing the truth hurts more then knowing the questioning can make a person act out. I am just wondering if you think your marriage is worth saving. Thanks for the reply. No step children. The children issue was a long time ago. She had strict rule, no kids after she turned 30. Which didn't give us a lot of time, only a couple of years at the most. No health issues regarding sex. She never was that interested in it and a long time ago, I lost my attraction to her. It was mainly from getting attacked all the time and things she said about me. I said before, she is not a bad person, just has rage/anger issues and has an awful lot of hate that has been there from way before I ever knew her. She is not willing to deal with it and just says, that's the way she is and there is no changing her. There are other issues as well, that I don't want to go into. I don't think she suspects anything, because she would say it if she did. She knows I am not happy and currently there is nothing going on with me and hasn't been for quite some time. She accused me of it in the past, even when nothing of the kind was going on. It was just words to her. She also has said a lot of other things about me as well. I know she didn't really mean it, but it hurt none the less and I unfortunately have a very good memory.
Author ZMM Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 Ok. Watch my total. I'm posting elsewhere over the next couple days. As soon as you get 4 more posts, I'll be ready. 1
Lightglowabove Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Thanks for the reply. No step children. The children issue was a long time ago. She had strict rule, no kids after she turned 30. Which didn't give us a lot of time, only a couple of years at the most. No health issues regarding sex. She never was that interested in it and a long time ago, I lost my attraction to her. It was mainly from getting attacked all the time and things she said about me. I said before, she is not a bad person, just has rage/anger issues and has an awful lot of hate that has been there from way before I ever knew her. She is not willing to deal with it and just says, that's the way she is and there is no changing her. There are other issues as well, that I don't want to go into. I don't think she suspects anything, because she would say it if she did. She knows I am not happy and currently there is nothing going on with me and hasn't been for quite some time. She accused me of it in the past, even when nothing of the kind was going on. It was just words to her. She also has said a lot of other things about me as well. I know she didn't really mean it, but it hurt none the less and I unfortunately have a very good memory. ZMM, I don't post often, but you sound exactly like my MM. He's still with his wife, has no attraction to her, she has anger issues, plus has a little mental health issue. Does your wife have this? I have been with him for about 16 months and I think in January, it's time to decide whether to continue this or end it. It has gotten to the point that he has started talking about leaving her, but if he actually does this is another thing. Life is so short. If you are very unhappy with someone, why would you want to stay married to them? 1
Author ZMM Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 ZMM, I don't post often, but you sound exactly like my MM. He's still with his wife, has no attraction to her, she has anger issues, plus has a little mental health issue. Does your wife have this? Yes. Not sure how little, but yes. I've spent a lot of time walking on eggshells over the years and I'm not doing it anymore. But, I still feel it when she starts to get upset. But, now I just don't care, I am ready. I have been with him for about 16 months and I think in January, it's time to decide whether to continue this or end it. It has gotten to the point that he has started talking about leaving her, but if he actually does this is another thing. Everybody is different so don't take what I say and project it on him. Your timeline is very similar. However, we have not been in an A for the whole time. It's kind of complicated as I was getting mixed signals from OW and she has said different things along the way, that made me believe there was no hurry and I have a lot of other complicating issues. Anyway, we are still friends and are still in contact, just not as much as we used to be. But, my reading is that she feels that I need to either fix my marriage or get out. I think she really thinks I need to get out. But, she knows what the situation is and is concerned how it all turns out. Life is so short. If you are very unhappy with someone, why would you want to stay married to them? Anyway, by not having her, it made me realize how truly miserable I am and how totally uncomfortable I am in my home. I have already started the process. As I said, it is complicated for reasons I can't go into here. And of course, there is no guarantee where it will end up. But, right now, I know where I want to end up and I want to make it happen as soon as possible. 1
Author ZMM Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 Ok. Watch my total. I'm posting elsewhere over the next couple days. I see you hit 50. It should show you as an Established Member soon.
Lightglowabove Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Yes. Not sure how little, but yes. I've spent a lot of time walking on eggshells over the years and I'm not doing it anymore. But, I still feel it when she starts to get upset. But, now I just don't care, I am ready. Everybody is different so don't take what I say and project it on him. Your timeline is very similar. However, we have not been in an A for the whole time. It's kind of complicated as I was getting mixed signals from OW and she has said different things along the way, that made me believe there was no hurry and I have a lot of other complicating issues. Anyway, we are still friends and are still in contact, just not as much as we used to be. But, my reading is that she feels that I need to either fix my marriage or get out. I think she really thinks I need to get out. But, she knows what the situation is and is concerned how it all turns out. Anyway, by not having her, it made me realize how truly miserable I am and how totally uncomfortable I am in my home. I have already started the process. As I said, it is complicated for reasons I can't go into here. And of course, there is no guarantee where it will end up. But, right now, I know where I want to end up and I want to make it happen as soon as possible. I had a feeling your wife had some mental illness, as does my MM's wife. It makes it more difficult to leave. But both are you are just existing now, not living. And it sounds like both of you are finally sick of the situation. What was the turning point for you? Of course she is concerned. No one wants to hurt another person, leave another person. But sometimes, it is the right thing to do. Started the process? You mean file for divorce?
Shhhlonely Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 ZMM - nothing to really add but I wanted to thank you for giving a bit of insight from a male. Males and females are so very different it is helpful to read the other side. I'm very Venus and my MOM is very Mars so at times our magnets just don't connect sometimes, especially this time of year. Anyway thanks and Happy New Year. 2
Popsicle Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 As soon as you get 4 more posts, I'll be ready. Ok. Watch my total. I'm posting elsewhere over the next couple days. FYI: at the one month mark I was able to PM, but I had over 100 posts. Not sure how many you need.
may2012 Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 ZMM, I don't post often, but you sound exactly like my MM. He's still with his wife, has no attraction to her, she has anger issues, plus has a little mental health issue. Does your wife have this? I have been with him for about 16 months and I think in January, it's time to decide whether to continue this or end it. It has gotten to the point that he has started talking about leaving her, but if he actually does this is another thing. Life is so short. If you are very unhappy with someone, why would you want to stay married to them? Just had to say very similar to my situation too! 1
Author ZMM Posted January 1, 2014 Author Posted January 1, 2014 Started the process? You mean file for divorce? I have a few preliminary steps, can't detail it out here, but it did involve confrontation with W.
Author ZMM Posted January 1, 2014 Author Posted January 1, 2014 ZMM - nothing to really add but I wanted to thank you for giving a bit of insight from a male. Males and females are so very different it is helpful to read the other side. I'm very Venus and my MOM is very Mars so at times our magnets just don't connect sometimes, especially this time of year. Anyway thanks and Happy New Year. You are very welcome, I'm glad it helped you in some little way. Happy New Year to you too!
Author ZMM Posted January 1, 2014 Author Posted January 1, 2014 Just had to say very similar to my situation too! Yeah, it makes it extremely tough! But, I know what I have to do and have started. I hope it goes as smooth as possible for everyone involved.
BehindTheseHazelEyes Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 Plan for the worst and expect it to be a degree better than hell. That's a realistic viewpoint.
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