Oh man...whats going on

[Poppyolive]

Hello all,

 

Ive just joined and would love some uplifting, compassionate and enlightening words. I'll try to make this to the point.....

 

met as roommates, moved in, became great friends for 6 months,

then had feelings, fell madly in love, mutually couldn't hide it, got together, He asked me would i be his girlfriend, became a couple.

great connection

together for 5 years

love filled, deep connection and great friendship..bliss

unique way to meet, scary but lovely.

 

90% of the time: amazing lovers, grew really close, loved each other dearly, lots of fun, fond memories, we were committed and made plans to marry, have children next year. I was ready, he was ready. Been through a lot together lost a dear friend, supported and complimented each other lives. We were freaking awesome! I inspired him, i loved our love, great communication and regular check ins along the way to make sure we were on same paths....all beautifulness...from both sides

 

10% of the time: conflicts, He's three years younger than me I'm 32 he's 29. He has some issues with alcohol, low self esteem when drinking which would turn into really annoying times and arguments. e.g....fun night out with friends, some drinks in, behind his eyes, he became blank, he would change, say nobody likes him, i don't love him etc...Never fought about other things just these particular incidents. I supported him, encouraged him, inspired him to deal with it and all the hidden stuff going on with him deeper. He accepted there was a problem there, tried to heal but couldn't quite grasp it. Wore me down, wore us down. But it is his issue and i only supported, love, forgave, shared my feelings on it. We agreed this issue needed to be worked through to move to our committed stage of our lives together. I gave him space, he moved out for a month last year to get healthy, figure himself, what he wants etc..out. Clarify on drinking: (not drinking all the time, big breaks, incidents would happen once a month or every other month..i found them unhealthy and annoying) We are not perfect, each have things to work through to improve be a better person, this was his and he knows it. He came back, we chatted he was clearer, committed and ready. A few months later, we move to a new apartment, excited, committed, extra room for the lil one we planned, planned on getting a dog. Summer was sweet. Went to music festival, madly in love, then i notice a few beers in behind his eyes were distant, i knew something was coming i suggested id go off check out a band and come find him a bit later...to which he said some mean things f**k off, that i don't care about him....I cried and left him be. Drive home next day was cold and awkward, sat to chat that eve in which he angrily said he's done, its over. I accepted, gave him space. Days after we tried to talk, but he was clearly upset, confused, hurt, scared, cold. That it was him, not me, that he was open to us down the road, but the arguing (about drinking) was too much and not making us happy. I agreed. He said he was not cut out for relationships, this is the hardest thing ever, the pain for him is too much, he cried at the thought of loosing his best friend and all that we were. He loved me and cared deeply, he needed to get healthy. He moved out. After five years, no real conversation, no conversation on our new home and lease, nothing! He was gone and there was nothing i could do.

 

Me: I was heartbroken, angry, sad, hurt, shocked, confused and processed it really well working on my emotions as they were eating me up! I began feeling sad for him, sad for the place he was in, sad he dropped us all of a sudden (days before he was happy, madly in love, committed and planning our future. I wrote lots, listened to music, laid low and took care. No contact from my part, i received many texts, emails, with empty messages wanting his shoes, jacket random items that i suggested id box them up, for him to take everything...but no, he opted for getting an item every week or so. Which i felt was his way of staying in contact...as he was getting no attention from me.

His text would go..can i have my running shoes?...

I didn't see the text right away.... which is followed by ???? texts.

me: yes sure, I'm not home now, i'll get them ready and leave them outside for you during the week

him: well apparently i have to wait for my things. (he is obviously angry...have no idea why)

 

furious inside i responded to each request respectfully, short, to the point nothing more. It got to the point these texts were making me anxious when i saw them come through, so i suggested he come for all his things and not to contact me anymore, that his texts were coming from an angry place, that they were his emotions, not mine. He responded why am i not allowed text you?..i left it at that....He split in aug, moved out end of sept, random texts which i nipped in the bud. Working on myself, healing, understanding, then i see through a mutual friends on facebook open invite for ski cabin weekend away, that he is going. this mutual friend asked was his lady coming, which is obviously not me.......enter heartbreaking, gut punching pain and shock... he's seeing a new girl and is bringing her on a friends weekend getaway. I have no jealousy or anger towards her...just a gut wrenching pain thats hard to bare. a deep sadness in my heart.

 

How can this be, after what we had, shared, were....jump into something else, so soon?????? Ive worked hard through this, i only ever loved, cared and had respect for him. I feel our love was pure, strong and I hope he would realize, apologize and return. I know i will be ok, I'm pretty positive and am pretty together dealing with all of this. I do want him back, a brighter, healthier new love, new relationship....not just because there is a new girl, (I've wanted this since he split...) i never wanted him gone in the first place, i know it was his decision, i didn't chase, and i know its in his hands to make a move if that day will come. I fear he wont regret anything. and we are in fact done. He is a wonderful man, just a little lost and confused, i don't want any bashing on him, but just maybe some impartial advise, understanding and compassion. Can we come back from this, where is he at?? I feel this is a rebound and possibly a bit of grass is greener syndrome (she wasn't waiting in the wing) but possibly the pain was too big and he is filling a void? Will he be thinking of me, realizing and regret...or simply doesn't care?

 

I know with this unbearable pain and sadness, i will get through it, be stronger, wiser and i know life goes on...Ive been working on me, laying low, doing things i love, open to lifes new chapter, but not fully ready to say goodbye just yet. I believe this was a true love connection, my heart and head are wanting him home. Ive controlled my urge to kick him lol, unload my anger and pain on him....but I've choose not too. Its been tough for sure! I really didn't see any of this coming and for him it was a anger spur of the moment "we're done"

 

Sorry if this seems rambled thank you in advance!!

[Augustus64]

First of all you sound absolutely awesome! as i see it being a guy this is definitely a rebound and possible GIGS as you mentioned. I too was in a Five year relationship and i can assure you those memories don't fade. All those nights waking up together don't fade. too many memories. it was real, For sure he felt the love. He just needs time till he sorts himself out. It sucks i know and Im not suggesting that you should wait for him but your way ahead of where he is a person. they say Love is patient. Best of luck to you!

[Poppyolive]

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Its nice to have chats on here as I feel friends get a bit bored and all I get is he's this and that...move on. You are right, that love doesnt fade over night, I feel for the place he is in...its probably harder than mine. I keep sending warm loving healing thoughts to him as well as working bucket loads on my lil heart. How is your heart? Learning from other experiences is why I came here.

[valerasoy]

Hey poppy! you answered my post! I want to thank you so much for taking the time

 

You seem like such a strong, awesome and respectable woman!

 

I have never been in love, or in a long term relationship, so I can't imagine the pain you have endured. But judging by your post, and the way you handle your situation, I know you're going to make it out of this all right. Also, I think you're aware of this too.

 

I know people say time is the only thing that can heal a broken heart. Which most times, it is, but I think being comforted by friends and family who really care about your well-being makes the process more bearable. I find the more I vent about my relationship, the more perspective I gain from everyone's input.

 

I'm open to talk if you ever want to vent. I can't promise sage old advice, but I can provide a listening ear. I really want to know how you fare in this whole situation later down the road.

 

Good luck!

[Poppyolive]

You are so sweet, thank you for your kind words.

[Trick1004]

Poppy,

This all sounds very similar to my ex leaving me seven months ago. A three + year relationship with her ending with her giving me the “love you but not in love with you” line.

 

When we started it was very casual, she was heavy into drugs, alcohol and such. I’ve dabbled in the past and still enjoy the booze more than I should. We got close, she had pretty much cut herself off from her family, but over time all these issues seemed to be passing.

 

The ex went back to school and finally finished her degree, re-united with her family, kicked most of the drugs out of her life. The alcoholism was something we were both working on dealing with together; I tend to be a happy drunk, her not so much. But we were working on it and all I saw was a future together for the rest of my life.

 

Flash forward to the end of May this year. The ex had her 29th b-day a couple weeks earlier, a friend of hers had died, she was about to graduate with her bachelor’s degree, and I had just started a new job. Lots of stress going on. Came home from work one day and that was it, she ended it. I don’t know why and don’t care much anymore. Those initial 3 or 4 months after was agony for me.

 

I’ve come to the conclusion that she wasn’t ready to give up her bartending life on the weekends (that I’d been dealing with for two years in a town an hour away).

 

If that’s what she wants, she’s got it. I refuse to get in the way of people making their own decisions, but also refuse to be part of a person’s life when they can discard me like trash.

 

It’s been seven months now, five months NC and I’m getting myself back. You’re doing a phenomenal job and just keep doing what you’re doing.

 

Hugs,

 

Trick

[headinthecloud]

Topics of Breakup Recovery Guide

 

This helped me when I had a bad day and trouble moving on. The key is to work on yourself. Become a better version of yourself. What happened is done. Can't change it. But you can change your future. You deserve someone who won't hurt you. Go full NC and let him go. You are wonderful, so be kind to yourself. In time, the pain does go away. And one day, you'll be joyfully happy with yourself.

 

Have faith in what will be.

[NoLeafClover]

Hello all,

 

Ive just joined and would love some uplifting, compassionate and enlightening words. I'll try to make this to the point.....

 

met as roommates, moved in, became great friends for 6 months,

then had feelings, fell madly in love, mutually couldn't hide it, got together, He asked me would i be his girlfriend, became a couple.

great connection

together for 5 years

love filled, deep connection and great friendship..bliss

unique way to meet, scary but lovely.

 

90% of the time: amazing lovers, grew really close, loved each other dearly, lots of fun, fond memories, we were committed and made plans to marry, have children next year. I was ready, he was ready. Been through a lot together lost a dear friend, supported and complimented each other lives. We were freaking awesome! I inspired him, i loved our love, great communication and regular check ins along the way to make sure we were on same paths....all beautifulness...from both sides

 

10% of the time: conflicts, He's three years younger than me I'm 32 he's 29. He has some issues with alcohol, low self esteem when drinking which would turn into really annoying times and arguments. e.g....fun night out with friends, some drinks in, behind his eyes, he became blank, he would change, say nobody likes him, i don't love him etc...Never fought about other things just these particular incidents. I supported him, encouraged him, inspired him to deal with it and all the hidden stuff going on with him deeper. He accepted there was a problem there, tried to heal but couldn't quite grasp it. Wore me down, wore us down. But it is his issue and i only supported, love, forgave, shared my feelings on it. We agreed this issue needed to be worked through to move to our committed stage of our lives together. I gave him space, he moved out for a month last year to get healthy, figure himself, what he wants etc..out. Clarify on drinking: (not drinking all the time, big breaks, incidents would happen once a month or every other month..i found them unhealthy and annoying) We are not perfect, each have things to work through to improve be a better person, this was his and he knows it. He came back, we chatted he was clearer, committed and ready. A few months later, we move to a new apartment, excited, committed, extra room for the lil one we planned, planned on getting a dog. Summer was sweet. Went to music festival, madly in love, then i notice a few beers in behind his eyes were distant, i knew something was coming i suggested id go off check out a band and come find him a bit later...to which he said some mean things f**k off, that i don't care about him....I cried and left him be. Drive home next day was cold and awkward, sat to chat that eve in which he angrily said he's done, its over. I accepted, gave him space. Days after we tried to talk, but he was clearly upset, confused, hurt, scared, cold. That it was him, not me, that he was open to us down the road, but the arguing (about drinking) was too much and not making us happy. I agreed. He said he was not cut out for relationships, this is the hardest thing ever, the pain for him is too much, he cried at the thought of loosing his best friend and all that we were. He loved me and cared deeply, he needed to get healthy. He moved out. After five years, no real conversation, no conversation on our new home and lease, nothing! He was gone and there was nothing i could do.

 

Me: I was heartbroken, angry, sad, hurt, shocked, confused and processed it really well working on my emotions as they were eating me up! I began feeling sad for him, sad for the place he was in, sad he dropped us all of a sudden (days before he was happy, madly in love, committed and planning our future. I wrote lots, listened to music, laid low and took care. No contact from my part, i received many texts, emails, with empty messages wanting his shoes, jacket random items that i suggested id box them up, for him to take everything...but no, he opted for getting an item every week or so. Which i felt was his way of staying in contact...as he was getting no attention from me.

His text would go..can i have my running shoes?...

I didn't see the text right away.... which is followed by ???? texts.

me: yes sure, I'm not home now, i'll get them ready and leave them outside for you during the week

him: well apparently i have to wait for my things. (he is obviously angry...have no idea why)

 

furious inside i responded to each request respectfully, short, to the point nothing more. It got to the point these texts were making me anxious when i saw them come through, so i suggested he come for all his things and not to contact me anymore, that his texts were coming from an angry place, that they were his emotions, not mine. He responded why am i not allowed text you?..i left it at that....He split in aug, moved out end of sept, random texts which i nipped in the bud. Working on myself, healing, understanding, then i see through a mutual friends on facebook open invite for ski cabin weekend away, that he is going. this mutual friend asked was his lady coming, which is obviously not me.......enter heartbreaking, gut punching pain and shock... he's seeing a new girl and is bringing her on a friends weekend getaway. I have no jealousy or anger towards her...just a gut wrenching pain thats hard to bare. a deep sadness in my heart.

 

How can this be, after what we had, shared, were....jump into something else, so soon?????? Ive worked hard through this, i only ever loved, cared and had respect for him. I feel our love was pure, strong and I hope he would realize, apologize and return. I know i will be ok, I'm pretty positive and am pretty together dealing with all of this. I do want him back, a brighter, healthier new love, new relationship....not just because there is a new girl, (I've wanted this since he split...) i never wanted him gone in the first place, i know it was his decision, i didn't chase, and i know its in his hands to make a move if that day will come. I fear he wont regret anything. and we are in fact done. He is a wonderful man, just a little lost and confused, i don't want any bashing on him, but just maybe some impartial advise, understanding and compassion. Can we come back from this, where is he at?? I feel this is a rebound and possibly a bit of grass is greener syndrome (she wasn't waiting in the wing) but possibly the pain was too big and he is filling a void? Will he be thinking of me, realizing and regret...or simply doesn't care?

 

I know with this unbearable pain and sadness, i will get through it, be stronger, wiser and i know life goes on...Ive been working on me, laying low, doing things i love, open to lifes new chapter, but not fully ready to say goodbye just yet. I believe this was a true love connection, my heart and head are wanting him home. Ive controlled my urge to kick him lol, unload my anger and pain on him....but I've choose not too. Its been tough for sure! I really didn't see any of this coming and for him it was a anger spur of the moment "we're done"

 

Sorry if this seems rambled thank you in advance!!

What a beautiful way of expressing yourself. I enjoyed reading this and can relate in many ways.

[Poppyolive]

james sweet james,

 

Thank you...i like you too, so you feel it was over for him way before he dropped the dumped bomb? You say speaking from experience, can i ask did you pretend everything was absolutely fabulous, even tho you were mourning the finish? Ive had some great advice, saying he did love me very much, did want all those future things but something in his damaged brain (teehee) something didn't align. Mostly being a young 29 boy, slight boozing issues, freaking out and pulling a runner...

 

Thanks for the feel better wishes....almost there...just gotta key his car first....kidding of course or....

[Poppyolive]

Noleafclover

 

Sweetness! thank you, can you tell me more...or shall i search you out??

[Poppyolive]

"Have faith in what will be" YES!!!!

 

Thank you, i just got round to reading your link....i loved it, it has helped!

[Poppyolive]

James sweet james,

 

Thanks for that, that helped me understand what i kinda all ready knew. I think we (james & poppy) should go N/C ;-)

[theothersully]

Good lord, you have restored my faith in humanity. What an utterly wonderful personality you have. Please do not ever lose that.

 

The world needs more Poppyolives.

 

I wish I had the answers to your questions about your guy, but there is no way to know. For us, for you or possibly even for him. It seems all the problems surround drinking and if he loves you enough (assuming your reconciliation hopes are met) he should 100% quit drinking if you ever get back together.

 

Just hang in there. Break ups are harder on good people with emotions and a caring soul. You have these in spades!

[Haydn]

Poppy you are very infectious! Keep posting!

[sw2020]

Great post. Is so nice reading something like this. I've no idea how you're handling it all so well, lovely inspiration. :-)

 

I'd bet my house on him being in turmoil and the other girl not meaning anything. He's probably acting out.

[Poppyolive]

Great post. Is so nice reading something like this. I've no idea how you're handling it all so well, lovely inspiration. :-) I'd bet my house on him being in turmoil and the other girl not meaning anything. He's probably acting out.

 

Thank you,

 

Yah, I'm pretty amazed at how well I'm working through it too, it still takes up my mind and heart, but i've realized there is no point in feeling angry, no point in feeling super down and no point in continuously replaying the story. Life is short and there are so many people out there dealing with super sad, soul destroying situations. This is one person, that i am gutted they did this to me, but I'm still alive and grateful for how strong i am, grateful for all my emotions...it means i feel! I've come to realize for a person to behave like this, act like this and treat another like this (someone their heart loved deeply for years) is one very sad sad sad boy inside, that has no love or respect for himself and therefore cannot give it to others. I hope one day he gets smacked with realization, wakes up and sees his path of destruction. I agree this boy is in turmoil and sadly won't care very much for this lady either.

Super, Super cheese ball song....but i love to blast this and scream my lil lungs out! Im surprised i haven't been removed from the apartment building.

 

You can take everything I have

You can break everything I am

Like I'm made of glass

Like I'm made of paper

Go on and try to tear me down

I will be rising from the ground

Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper