ShadowCore Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Hello LS community, It's always nice to know I can come on here and seek advice when I'm struggling. I've written my whole breakup story previously. Brief: -5 years together -3 years LDR -young and each other's first loves -broke up October '12. He made the final choice (was the "right" decision. But it absolutely killed me.) He was my absolute best friend and companion, my life completely revolved around him and plans to visit him (in retrospect I now realise this came at huge personal cost because I lost all my personal identity, which actually caused problems for us. I just thought I was doing all I could to keep an LDR together.) It meant there was always huge pressure because we needed a plan really, for the future, to make LDR worth it, but I had no life direction apart from him. We broke up. I was distraught. I sought counselling, antidepressants, I had hardest time of my life. I didn't talk to him. I shut off Facebook. After 5 months of deep depression I got a job, started getting some things back on track. And certainly have grown HUGELY as a person, feeling more confident than ever about myself and my social life. But he's always on my mind. I always felt I needed to talk to him. So I messaged him for his birthday (our birthdays are on consecutive days). 11 months post breakup. He responded instantly "never mind me, how are you?!?" We messaged online briefly. But it was distressing for me. I couldn't. Maybe a month later I buckle and message him again. We had a lovely chat. So normal and friendly. Still a spark there, still a laugh. The next day he messaged me saying he had to "come clean" about something, that he had a girlfriend, and sorry if it wasn't what I wanted to hear but he felt I needed to know. He said he'd missed talking but didn't want to lead me on. And they'd "almost been LDR". It hurt a lot. But I was calm. He said he felt "better for having told you, but wondering about the effects it's having on you". I told him not to worry. A few weeks later (on our would-be anniversary, no idea if he realised) he messages me saying he needs my "help", it was just for something trivial. A conversation opener really. I was torn, but the temptation to talk was too strong. So we chatted, and then I left it rather than change topic and carry on talking. The next day I decided I couldn't be doing this, being picked up and put down but not worth choosing. So I said I didn't want to talk, it was too hard, I was happy he was in an easier relationship (I know the girl. I met her when I visited him. She hangs with his friend group. She's cool. But it obviously pisses me off for 1000 reasons), but I needed to be happy from afar, not talking. I kind of meant it quite finally... He said he understood, but then said he would take a few steps back until I felt like talking again, and then he threw in a compliment, before ending on a phrase that held significance for us. I don't know what's wrong with me. I spend so much time analysing this. I can't let him go. Today I'm posting this because I'm so tempted to talk to him again. To message him. And it's so easy to message him. And so easy to know he'll reply to me. It's not a good thing though really, is it? I just think about him so much. Our in-jokes, my visits to his country, things we did. I have plans for next year, finally. I never used to have personal plans. I want to go travelling, and then I'm going to uni. I love meeting people now, I'm looking forward to that. I am so happy to have fun now, to go on nights out, my friends say I have really come out of my shell. I just wish he could see it. I'm more suited to him now really :/ But always I feel there will be a part of me waiting to talk to him again. Please, I'm sorry for such a ridiculous essay, I'm reaching out to anyone. Anyone with similar stories or advice. Just to put it here, instead of message him. Thank you guys. Truly.
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