Ex had Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

[KelC411]

Hi all! Sorry to be posting like crazy today, but I am having a lot of new thoughts about the BU. My ex always said he was a narcissist and had had therapy to get better about it (e.g., not bragging a bunch in public, needing attention, etc.). I knew he could be arrogant, but he seemed so emotionally healthy that I always thought he was exaggerating. But then I was talking to my therapist (#dontjudgeme ) about the BU and she asked if I had ever thought he might have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. So I looked it up and, it was chillingly accurate. Not a perfect fit, because he treated me quite well until the end (no emotional abuse that people seem to have when dating someone with NPD) but still pretty spot-on. So, sorry for the length, but I wanted to share some of the things I found in case anyone else finds that this may have been part of their RS/BU (no need to read if you don't think it applies, unless you are just interested). May be of interest to people who were in RS's that moved very quickly/ended very quickly with someone who could be arrogant.

 

 

"But the narcissist demands more than others' idealization; he also demands others to idealize. The narcissist needs to idealize others. For instance, when he finally meets, yet again, the "perfect woman," he puts her on a pedestal. Idealizing her makes for thrill and excitement (which, by the way, he misjudges again and again as fulfillment). He must be pretty special to have the enviable attention of someone so perfectly, admirably beautiful. He looks and feels good thanks to the reflection of her perfection on himself.One of many problems here is that idealized states are inherently temporary and unsustainable; they don't hold up permanently; they are fraught all the time with dangers of collapse. Thus, the narcissist can't permanently hold his idealizations. And he finds their collapse, over and over again, discouraging and deeply disillusioning. But instead of recognizing the futility of his need, he will blame the formerly idealized object for failing to have remained as perfect, and perfectly satisfying, as he demanded."

 

 

"Enter his "contempt." The underbelly of the narcissist's idealizing is his

contempt. The narcissist tends to vacillate between experiences of

idealization and contempt. In either case (or "state"), others are regarded

as objects—objects, we shall see, not quite in the sense that sociopaths

regard others as objects. For the narcissist, others have an obligation to

maintain his peace of mind. In the narcissist's world, it is on others,

through their cooperation with his demands, to ensure his ongoing inner

comfort and satisfaction. When meeting his demands, others are idealized;

when disappointing him, they are devalued contemptuously."

 

 

"Sometimes I believe the NPD may actively force the 'other' into a situation

in which they cannot fail to respond 'badly.' This possibly reassures the

NPD that they are correct in their 'blame' - despite the fact that the other

responded to an intolerable situation an understandable way."

 

 

"When it’s all over, it’s like you never mattered: A classic case narcissist mostly uses people for their own gain and has very little emotional connection to those that are in their lives."

 

 

"He becomes hyper-focused on the pursuit, learning all he can about her and using mirroring techniques to transform himself into exactly what she wants. During the devaluation stage, the narcissist reveals his true personality. He is confident that he has her devotion, so he feels more comfortable being himself. As the high he felt during the first phase diminishes, he becomes moody, silent and withdrawn. He begins ignoring phone calls, breaking promises, and punishing her for upsetting him. As she tries to get the relationship back on track, he withdraws more and more. Finally, in the discard phase, the relationship ends and the narcissist moves on without remorse or sadness. The target is left to pick up the pieces, while the narcissist sets his sights on a new target."

 

 

Not saying this is all that went into my BU but it was interesting to look at. Hope this helps someone else!

[Softie]

Sounds a lot like my ex

[mtnbiker3000]

Not saying he wasn't but many people like to attach this label for their own purposes...

[KelC411]

Not saying he wasn't but many people like to attach this label for their own purposes...

 

Yeah, i thought about that. I guess what is convincing is he fact that he always told me he was a narcissist and literally went to therapy for that purpose. I just chose to think it wasnt that big a deal. I still definitely take some blame in it, I am not perfect by any means. But looking back, i see that he tried to tell me he had these issues, I just chose not to hear him becuse I saw him as perfect

[Mondmellonw]

Kinda reminds me of my ex in many ways...

But also reminds me of myself.

We both had a lot in common... Maybe that is why we are no longer a couple.

I don't know. This sucks.