backatone Posted January 3, 2005 Posted January 3, 2005 Well, she left me an email the day after New Years. Saying that she would have called but she is not sure if I am mad at her. She gave me a list of things that she is working on in order to try to get her life back on track. Saying that she has neglected things in her life so long that it is time to get back on pace. She also stated that she loved me and missed me. Now, here is the problem. The email clearly shows that she thinks that we are on a break and not broken up. This is rather tricky for the simple fact that if I do let her figure her life out, whos to say that in a couple weeks the next email wont read," I have been thinking, I need to be single and dont feel like a boyfriend right now" If I wait around, who knows when she will be ready and/or if she will be ready. At the same time, how can I go out and meet new girls when she thinks we are still together but just on a break. Then I would be cheating. Im confused here.
_Saffy_ Posted January 3, 2005 Posted January 3, 2005 Are these signs of a girl that is depressed and trying to figure her life out.........or did my so called future wife just fall out of love with me and let me down easy? i took this from the end of your other post, less than a week ago. can i just draw your attention to one part "SO CALLED FUTURE WIFE"........ok got that bit?? now this post...... At the same time, how can I go out and meet new girls when she thinks we are still together but just on a break now, can you please explain to me how you can even think about marrying someone that you cant support long enough to help her get through what she says is the worst feeling of depression she has ever felt?
Author backatone Posted January 3, 2005 Author Posted January 3, 2005 Saffy, this girl flip flops a lot. I have a huge fear that she is going to flip flop while I am WAITING for her. Obviously I would wait for her. I do love her. But my fear is waiting and she comes back and says,"I dont want you".
_Saffy_ Posted January 3, 2005 Posted January 3, 2005 flip flopping is part of being depressed hun, when you have a good day everything is good, when its a bad day then nothing matters.......this isnt how she feels, this is a mental state that she cannot help being in. so i guess it all comes down to whether you love her enough to take the risk of helping her through this and waiting for her to come round. so to sum up........ a) wait, help and at the end of it have the woman you love b) wait, help and at the end of it you may not have the woman you love, but you know you gave it your best shot, and may have lost some casual sex in the meantime but you can go catch up. c) give up now, walk away, have some fun with some loose women, and spend all your life wondering "what if" you choose
genesis Posted January 4, 2005 Posted January 4, 2005 If this girl is a depressive, you must CAREFULLY weigh your involvement with her. Read some on the depression fallout site, which is a forum for people who live with depressives. nearly every one who post say that if they knew beforehand that their SO was a depressive, they would have never married them. Her actions will for ever affect your life, and you cant help her. it's like living with a time bomb that you never know will explode, for no rational reasons. You can love this person, and can be her friend if possible, but you owe something to yourself, and dont let her pull you down into her lifelong pit. you can lend a helping hand to try to pull her out, just dont sacrifice your life and happiness. i have been there, and i educated myself on this and have read a lot on it. She can leave you right out of the blue in 2 weeks, 2 years, or 20 years, you never know. read the fallout forum, and hear from the other "victims" of this terrible affliction of depression. She can only help herself, and they all try to do better, but every miniscule effort is a decathalon for them. This might sound like selfish advise, but you will be dealing with this behavior for a lifetime, and relationships are hard enough to keep afloat without beginning with such an anchor attached. TREAD CAREFULLY, and good luck.
Weird Posted January 4, 2005 Posted January 4, 2005 I am with Saffy on this. If you truly love a person you dont just bail on them when they are going through problems. That ain't love bro... Nothing like having the person you count on and love leaving you when you hit a bout of depression and they realize you are in fact depressed. That would sure suck to experience that. Maybe things wont work out but I say at least stick with her for a bit and see. Imagine if she gets better in 3 weeks after you totally broke up with her and then you are screwed and will regret the choice for the rest of your life. Anyway that is just my opinion...I say stick with it, make sure she is getting some emds or help and then take it from there.
genesis Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 what i am talking about here is someone with chronic depression, where there is a history. everyone gets depressed, and i am not talking about leaving just because she hits a "bout" of it on occasion. i'm talking about someone with chronic or clinical depression, who has to frequently take meds, etc. you just 'don't get over this", and before you commit you must decide if you are willing to deal with this. i think some people use depression as an excuse for failure, or to dodge responsibility or expectations. its the going thing, and anti-depressants are as prevalent as aspirin today. if you commit to her, then you should never leave. but just find out how deep this pool is before you decide to dive in.
XNemesisX Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 I have a chronic history of depression and let me tell you, sometimes we need breaks from the social scene but I ALWAYS wanted my boyfriend to be there for me during my especially rough periods of it. No one else would do. He always made me feel better. Your girlfriend may be different than me, though. Well, little did I know just how much worse my depression would become once HE was gone. I had problems before, but I never knew just what magnitude it could become. I will say though, that he had Bipolar Disorder. Probably why I thought we were such a great match! Well, this is a whole other story but now I think he was misdiagnosed because now he is showing signs of schizophrenia (thinking the devil talks through me basically, lots of religious delusions..) So maybe he could deal with me because he was more screwed up than me! Well, at least I can laugh about it, right? I'm not really offended by what genesis said about living with chronic depressives. I know it would be hard for someone to live with me. Sometimes I think a real long lasting relationship would be impossible for me to achieve because I will go through periods of time where I will pretty much go into "hibernation" and not even go out in public or get out of bed. It would be hard for a normal person to deal with. Still though, if you love her you will be there for her. Don't worry about missing out on other opportunities. If you have been with her a long time, you wouldn't be able to snap out of it and love someone else that quickly anyway. Don't make the mistake that many others have made. Haste makes waste. She will appreciate your respect for the relationship if you hold out on testing the waters with other women. If you did, and it got back to her it will be a disaster, trust me. Hindsight is 20/20. Go out with other women, have her come back to you and find out what you did, she will be devestated, she will probably REALLY dump you....then we will see you back on Loveshack!
XNemesisX Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 Oh and btw...you think being in a relationship with a depressed person is bad..try out a Bipolar person--- It's HELL. Schizophrenia gets the cake though, and I'm beginning to think that I have just got out of a relationship with one. (and he may not have been bipolar at all - I sense a misdiagnosis). It can always be worse...I may be biased here but I would take a chronic depressive person any day over a guy who thinks that God talks to him and told him I was bad. Isn't life grand?
Author backatone Posted January 6, 2005 Author Posted January 6, 2005 Well, I have been reading lots of post on many different sites. At first I was having problems figuring out if I was being let down easy...........or if she really hated her life and needed me to step out of it, for her to figure it out. After reading these sites.....it is almost unanamous that when a girl says,' I need a break" she either 1. has another guy lined up, or 2. just does not want to be with you and is letting you down easy. I would like to think that my girl is depressed and trying to find herself right now.........but she has only contacted me once in the past week.....saying she is getting her life together and looking into Master programs for her degree. Then she ended the email with, I love you and Miss you. Ok, thats nice. But dont you think that if she loved me, 1. she probably would not have let me go, and 2. if she missed me she probably would contact me more then once a week. Im not wanting to give up on her, but I don't know for sure that she is depressed. She could be seeing some guy and stringing me along for all I know. HELP, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
iceisles Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 Originally posted by backatone After reading these sites.....it is almost unanimous that when a girl says,' I need a break" she either 1. has another guy lined up, or 2. just does not want to be with you and is letting you down easy. "I need a break" or "I need space" nearly always means without you in it. It's not used as an easy letdown 100% of the time, but the percentage has to be way up there. If only more people could just be honest with how they feel.
iceisles Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 Originally posted by YX32Nemesis I have a chronic history of depression and let me tell you, sometimes we need breaks from the social scene but I ALWAYS wanted my boyfriend to be there for me during my especially rough periods of it. No one else would do. My ex also had depression except that she always shut me out of her life when she became down. I wanted to be there for her, but she always gave some variant of "there's nothing you can do" and wasn't too friendly with me. She just kind of blocked out the world when we were dating, which is what she has apparently done since our breakup. I feel bad that I wasn't able to help her through her depression more, but I certainly tried.
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