Nothisgirl Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 MM I mean...tonight was my date to start NC.. I've been telling him all week I need to talk to him, that I'm having a hard time Nd that I'm feeling a lot of guilt, anyways, we are meeting for dinner etc. usually we meet at a central spot and drive together from there however he just called and asked if he could pick me up instead... Do you think he knows something is up and he's trying to show me that we can act like a "normal" couple? I may be way off base but just feels like that Does your MM up the ante when he thinks your pulling away?
lilmisscantbewrong Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Mine always did - each time I made a decision to end it or pull back - he came on very strong - pleading, cajoling, even crying - until the second dday hit and my husband found out - then he went running with his tail between his legs. Coward.
Author Nothisgirl Posted December 13, 2013 Author Posted December 13, 2013 Mine always did - each time I made a decision to end it or pull back - he came on very strong - pleading, cajoling, even crying - until the second dday hit and my husband found out - then he went running with his tail between his legs. Coward. We haven't had a dday yet (I don't think what exactly IS a dday?) and he's never pulled back, he's actually the most consistent man I've ever been with however he is coming on stronger. He just said "are we going to be ok? I need us to be ok, I don't want to be without you" Ummm then leave your miserable marriage? FFS, it's not rocket science :/ Pray for me, send good vibes..whatever you do, I need the strength 1
Cinnimon Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Notthisgirl, mine did the same as lilmis, cried, begged and pleaded for me not to end our A and he also said ""are we going to be ok? I need us to be ok, I don't want to be without you" every time he felt I was tiring of the roller coaster ride and wanted off. I stayed on for 3 1/2 years until one day he said oops, changed my mind.......... Protect yourself please...........Good luck. 4
Author Nothisgirl Posted December 13, 2013 Author Posted December 13, 2013 Notthisgirl, mine did the same as lilmis, cried, begged and pleaded for me not to end our A and he also said ""are we going to be ok? I need us to be ok, I don't want to be without you" every time he felt I was tiring of the roller coaster ride and wanted off. I stayed on for 3 1/2 years until one day he said oops, changed my mind.......... Protect yourself please...........Good luck. 3.5 years? So sorry Thank you I needed to hear this 2
Snipercatt Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 Well, under the circumstances, it is ALWAYS a possibility that an OW is going to say enough. We know it, certainly they know it, so any sense that you are pulling back, or distancing, sure MM will pour it on in order to change the direction of distancing, etc. But once the crisis seems over then it's back to SNAFU
Rollercoaster Rider Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 Notthisgirl, mine did the same as lilmis, cried, begged and pleaded for me not to end our A and he also said ""are we going to be ok? I need us to be ok, I don't want to be without you" every time he felt I was tiring of the roller coaster ride and wanted off. I stayed on for 3 1/2 years until one day he said oops, changed my mind.......... Protect yourself please...........Good luck. Wow... this same thing just happened to me today! We were together for 3 1/2 years. Silly me stayed with him after his d-day. He loved me, couldn't be without me, needed me in his life. Everytime I tried to end it...he would beg and plead for me to stay. The past 6 weeks...he has been acting different, less phone calls..shorter conversations and not seeing each other. Some things happened in the past week and I was tired of the BS... so I called him last Thursday and treated him crappy..he didn't like that. We didn't talk for a week. I caved and texted him yesterday, he asked me to call him today, which I did. Today he told me..it's time to end things. He can't handle carrying two phones and trying to please two people. He said the last time we went to lunch.. he almost had an anxiety attack..he is nervous about getting caught again.. really?? His d-day was 16 months ago... Anyways... i am left heartbroken. I didn't think it would end this way. Note to anyone reading and still involved... run as fast as you can. The little bit of happiness you get now, is not worth the pain you will feel later... 2
Cinnimon Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 Wow... this same thing just happened to me today! We were together for 3 1/2 years. Silly me stayed with him after his d-day. He loved me, couldn't be without me, needed me in his life. Everytime I tried to end it...he would beg and plead for me to stay. The past 6 weeks...he has been acting different, less phone calls..shorter conversations and not seeing each other. Some things happened in the past week and I was tired of the BS... so I called him last Thursday and treated him crappy..he didn't like that. We didn't talk for a week. I caved and texted him yesterday, he asked me to call him today, which I did. Today he told me..it's time to end things. He can't handle carrying two phones and trying to please two people. He said the last time we went to lunch.. he almost had an anxiety attack..he is nervous about getting caught again.. really?? His d-day was 16 months ago... Anyways... i am left heartbroken. I didn't think it would end this way. Note to anyone reading and still involved... run as fast as you can. The little bit of happiness you get now, is not worth the pain you will feel later... Sorry this happened RR, it is definitely hard to swallow. 1
Author Nothisgirl Posted December 14, 2013 Author Posted December 14, 2013 Wow... this same thing just happened to me today! We were together for 3 1/2 years. Silly me stayed with him after his d-day. He loved me, couldn't be without me, needed me in his life. Everytime I tried to end it...he would beg and plead for me to stay. The past 6 weeks...he has been acting different, less phone calls..shorter conversations and not seeing each other. Some things happened in the past week and I was tired of the BS... so I called him last Thursday and treated him crappy..he didn't like that. We didn't talk for a week. I caved and texted him yesterday, he asked me to call him today, which I did. Today he told me..it's time to end things. He can't handle carrying two phones and trying to please two people. He said the last time we went to lunch.. he almost had an anxiety attack..he is nervous about getting caught again.. really?? His d-day was 16 months ago... Anyways... i am left heartbroken. I didn't think it would end this way. Note to anyone reading and still involved... run as fast as you can. The little bit of happiness you get now, is not worth the pain you will feel later... I am so sorry you are hurting... ty both for sharing..you two help me keep myself in check about why I need to end this... 1
Cinnimon Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 Nothisgirl. I thought about you last night. Wondering how it went and how your feeling......Hope your okay.
Popsicle Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 Does your MM up the ante when he thinks your pulling away? Mine did, which just confuses you more.
MissBee Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 Yes. MM know the A is limiting and that most women won't be satisfied with it all the time. They aren't stupid. They know what they can give and can't but also want what they want (as many of us do). Even if he can't give more, he doesn't want the A to end, and when he feels you distancing he will come on hard and strong BUT 9/10 times this will be temporary. Why? He is still married and usually why you're dissatisfied with him hasn't actually changed. The fundamental reason for discontent doesn't change because he took you on a trip or picked you up in his car or did some other "extra" thing. I's buying time... coming on hard will often work to make the OW, esp one who wants more and wants to believe more is possible, stay a bit longer and quiet her doubts and distance for a bit. Rinse and repeat. 2
Author Nothisgirl Posted December 14, 2013 Author Posted December 14, 2013 Nothisgirl. I thought about you last night. Wondering how it went and how your feeling......Hope your okay. It was terrible... We ate, drank wine and argued. In that order. He is begging me to hold on. That we will be together. That he needs me. That this will be ok, that he's so worried about me being in pain.. And I gave in. We fall asleep holding each other but then, do you know what happened? He had rented this posh hotel room however he couldn't stay all night so as we are getting up in the middle of the ****ing night to drive home I was actually thinking "I can't ****ing believe this". He dropped me off. We talked a bit today and then he stopped by. I told him flat out that this isn't the life I want. I deserve more, his wife deserves more. That I can't and won't do it. More begging from him and I asked him to leave. To give me space. And that's where we are. He's still texting etc It's really ****inv hard to give up a relationship that feels so right in so many ways. But I know there's enough wrong to rule out the right. Just need my heart to follow my head
happy stillmore Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 Nothisgirl, I know the feeling all too well. You know in your gut what the end result is likely going to be and it isn't in your favor. That was where my sadness came in. I so wanted it to be different but his actions were telling me otherwise. It is hard to have your heart listen to your head. How about starting to look at things from another angle? Why does he get to have the best of both worlds when you and his W get only a piece? What makes him more valuable than you? You deserve the whole enchilada. The whole person. Change your name from Not His Girl to No This Girl (won't settle for half a man). 3
Cinnimon Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 It was terrible... We ate, drank wine and argued. In that order. He is begging me to hold on. That we will be together. That he needs me. That this will be ok, that he's so worried about me being in pain.. And I gave in. We fall asleep holding each other but then, do you know what happened? He had rented this posh hotel room however he couldn't stay all night so as we are getting up in the middle of the ****ing night to drive home I was actually thinking "I can't ****ing believe this". He dropped me off. We talked a bit today and then he stopped by. I told him flat out that this isn't the life I want. I deserve more, his wife deserves more. That I can't and won't do it. More begging from him and I asked him to leave. To give me space. And that's where we are. He's still texting etc It's really ****inv hard to give up a relationship that feels so right in so many ways. But I know there's enough wrong to rule out the right. Just need my heart to follow my head I'm sorry this is so hard. I completely understand. So if he wants to be with you so bad, what is stopping him? I mean I understand he is married and it's just not that simple to end it over night BUT how long have you waited up until this point? I also heard "I'm worried about the pain your in" but he wasn't worried enough about it 3 1/2 years later when he told me he was staying after all BUT also that he wanted me to stay with him anyway!!!!! I know this sooooo hard, but try as hard as you can to listen to those gut feelings. If he doesn't want to lose you HE WONT.........Please guard yourself. My heart breaks for you. My heart is STILL in pieces from my xmm 1
Author Nothisgirl Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 I'm sorry this is so hard. I completely understand. So if he wants to be with you so bad, what is stopping him? I mean I understand he is married and it's just not that simple to end it over night BUT how long have you waited up until this point? I also heard "I'm worried about the pain your in" but he wasn't worried enough about it 3 1/2 years later when he told me he was staying after all BUT also that he wanted me to stay with him anyway!!!!! I know this sooooo hard, but try as hard as you can to listen to those gut feelings. If he doesn't want to lose you HE WONT.........Please guard yourself. My heart breaks for you. My heart is STILL in pieces from my xmm What's stopping him? The same bull**** I've read all over this forum: -timing is bad -need to get finances in order And the biggest reason: - needs to make sure his kids are ok..even though he claims I know that they aren't doing their kids any favors by modelling a marriage that solely exists on a "roommate" basis. So I guess really, there is nothing "stopping " him..he's making a choice and I can't live with that choice for any longer. Thank you so much for listening, and understanding 1
Author Nothisgirl Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 Nothisgirl, I know the feeling all too well. You know in your gut what the end result is likely going to be and it isn't in your favor. That was where my sadness came in. I so wanted it to be different but his actions were telling me otherwise. It is hard to have your heart listen to your head. How about starting to look at things from another angle? Why does he get to have the best of both worlds when you and his W get only a piece? What makes him more valuable than you? You deserve the whole enchilada. The whole person. Change your name from Not His Girl to No This Girl (won't settle for half a man). You are 1000% right. He's says he's not cake eating..that it would be if he didn't love me but this, our R, it's not cake eating...it's actually torture because he loves me so much @@ Thank you for sharing that you know how this feels...it helps to know I am not alone
Cinnimon Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 You are 1000% right. He's says he's not cake eating..that it would be if he didn't love me but this, our R, it's not cake eating...it's actually torture because he loves me so much @@ Thank you for sharing that you know how this feels...it helps to know I am not alone OMG, I think we were with the same guy!!! At least the same words anyway:sick: 1
AlwaysGrowing Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 What's stopping him? The same bull**** I've read all over this forum: -timing is bad -need to get finances in order And the biggest reason: - needs to make sure his kids are ok..even though he claims I know that they aren't doing their kids any favors by modelling a marriage that solely exists on a "roommate" basis. So I guess really, there is nothing "stopping " him..he's making a choice and I can't live with that choice for any longer. Thank you so much for listening, and understanding Usually, the whole "roommate" scenario is grossly exaggerated. It's what the WS tells themselves and the AP to alleviate guilt. Because the truth, is so very ugly. The WS is cheating....because they can. They found a willing AP to soothe their egos. They are using other people to make themselves feel good, with no regard to anyone else's feelings or emotional well being. Make no mistake, WS BS,WS children, WS finances, WS AP....are of no consequence. The most important reason is simply: because it makes them feel good to have another person fill any missing parts in their life..because its easier than doing the work necessary to improve yourself. What you described happened last night...is in opposition to what you had just told him you needed, so he....spent a few dollars...lured you in (you need to ask yourself why it worked)...got what he wanted....and put you back on a shelf. Then merrily went about his life as usual. He is begging again..because it works. It worked in the past...and that is the only tool he has. I understand that he might sound sincere, however...his actions show otherwise. Personally, I would be offended if a man treated me like a ...... We would all be wise to listen to our logic. Our hearts dismiss too much information, just to hold onto "love" whether or not it is healthy. Our logic....is the defender of our self respect, integrity and self worth. Listen to it.
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