Kwilliams14 Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Hey Loveshack readers, Your columns have helped me see the other side of possible arguments and for that I thank you! But I feel I have a unique situation I need some help with... My girlfriend of 2.5 years and I have been invited to my friend's wedding in California (We are in Maryland for school). We will be going there for the weekend. This group of friends is one that I rarely see, and I am excited for my girlfriend to get to know these people better, as they are very important to me. The problem is this - My girlfriend's best friend is in California, and as soon as I told her about the wedding, she immediately said "Oh sweet I get to visit so n so!"... Well I feel there wont be enough time. I am a person that believes a wedding, especially with friends I see once every year if I'm lucky, is a week long celebration. And she has her heart set on visiting her friend that she rarely gets to see. I voiced my importance on the whole weekend, and she is very set on seeing her friend. She finds only the wedding/reception to be the only important activities. So when situations like this come up, I feel less compromising and more "caving", and I tell her to go hang out with her friend, which I am not 100% happy with.. but what am I to do! She isnt making me ditch out on my friend's activities, and I wouldnt want her to resent me. But what do I tell my friends, with fear that they think their wedding events are not as important to her? (Let me clarify that wedding events are things like... going out on the town and drinking, or breakfast the day after the wedding with everyone). I also do not want to invite a stranger to my friend's wedding activities (Aka trying the whole combine both friends to stay together). Is my lack of seeing her ability to compromise clouded by my selfishness? Thanks in advance! - Realistic (or not) Expectations 1
Grumpybutfun Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 kwilliams: If you voiced your importance on the weekend and she still didn't seem to care about how you felt, that shows a blatant disregard for your feelings. It is okay for her to want to see her friend, but since the entire reason you are going to CA is for the wedding, she should want to share something with you that you invited her to enjoy, and make time for her friend when you haven't obligated the both of you for wedding festivities. Personally this situation reeks to me of selfishness and self-absorption on her part. As someone who has been married for years, a good partner will usually take into consideration the importance of an event to their partner and plan accordingly. You need to have another discussion with her that lets her know that you feel disregarded. Then you need to figure out if you want to be with someone who doesn't care about what you think is important. Seeing her friend is important to her so that is where her interests are, and I get that, but if you feel you cannot compromise without caving because she obviously has no interest in compromise at all, this relationship is going to be drama filled whenever she doesn't want to do what you ask of her. Compromise is a very important part of a healthy relationship unless you decide that you want to do things separately and have no expectations on each other at all. That is called being friends. Good luck, and no, you aren't being selfish, Grumps 1
pteromom Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 But what do I tell my friends, with fear that they think their wedding events are not as important to her? You tell your friends "My gf has a nearby friend that she's excited to see this afternoon, so she won't be coming today." The end. It sounds to me like you are the one not compromising here. She is coming to some of the wedding activities, right? 6
Keenly Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Your going to take her all the way there and then tell her she has to celebrate your friends wedding the way you do? Come on man, take her to the wedding, set her free, hang out with your friends. They are YOIR friends, not hers. Its actually a little selfish to try and say " were going across the country to see my friends, but you don't get to see yours because this is important to me " 6
Author Kwilliams14 Posted December 13, 2013 Author Posted December 13, 2013 It seems there is a tear between grumpy's posts and your guy's post, but I do agree with both. At times I do feel like my needs are not as respected, but at times I feel that my needs are asking of too much. I guess my main fear is my friends thinking their wedding is not as important, and them not liking her because of it. I guess sticking up for her and being blunt about it as petromom says is my best option. Thank you for the replies Any other insight on the situation?
d0nnivain Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 I think you will enjoy spending time with your friends alone while she's not there. You two don't have to be glued together the whole time. Let her go see her friend. Enjoy your time with your buddies. There will be so many people at the wedding that the B&G will not notice or care that your GF, somebody they don't know, isn't at every event. Is it possible to add a day or two to the trip so you can do everything? 2
Author Kwilliams14 Posted December 13, 2013 Author Posted December 13, 2013 Is it possible to add a day or two to the trip so you can do everything? Ideally that would be great, but for work purposes we cant. Its true though, we dont have to be glued together. 1
OpheliaSong Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 If this trip is only for a weekend and you invited her for a wedding, I think she is being selfish by making it all about her. You asked her to go to this wedding over a weekend- not a whole week- and she wants to just show up to the wedding and reception. Why even invite her at all since she isn't interested in being with you? I hope you aren't paying for this trip.
TheGuard13 Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 I think it's quite reasonable for her to say "Sure, I'll go if I can see my best friend". Especially depending on how far away this friend lives. Especially if it's a "I only see this person once a year or less" situation. If the wedding party actually cares about something this trivial, you've got bigger issues than your girlfriend wanting to see her friend. 1
SJC2008 Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 At times I do feel like my needs are not as respected, but at times I feel that my needs are asking of too much. I guess my main fear is my friends thinking their wedding is not as important, and them not liking her because of it. I guess sticking up for her and being blunt about it as petromom says is my best option. Thank you for the replies Any other insight on the situation? My first thought was that if yall are going to be there a week you shouldn't have a problem letting her slip away for a day to see her friend and if you did you'd look like a posessive jerk. However, After reading the bold it seems like there is some resentment building up and that it could be clouding your judgement in this particular situation.
crederer Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 You tell your friends "My gf has a nearby friend that she's excited to see this afternoon, so she won't be coming today." The end. It sounds to me like you are the one not compromising here. She is coming to some of the wedding activities, right? I have to agree with this. There is plenty of time during reception and whatnot to spend with your friends. Any wedding I've been to has been like a 12 hour affair from start to finish. I think that's plenty of time for her to spend with people she's never met for one weekend. 4
salparadise Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 Well I feel there wont be enough time. I am a person that believes a wedding, especially with friends I see once every year if I'm lucky, is a week long celebration. Is this trip for a week or a weekend? If you're out there for a week, no problem. Reserve some time for her. But if this is a whirlwind weekend wedding trip then it's altogether different. In that case, if her friend is nearby or can travel to wherever you will be staying then a few hours out of the weekend should be fine. But if the friend lives farther away and going to see the friend would take up a disproportionate amount of the overall time, then no, it's too disruptive. If you're paying her way, and if it's a weekend wedding filled with scheduled activities, then she should understand that it's not about her visiting her friend––it's about the wedding.
soccerrprp Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 I agree with many here. My first thought was why would you take your gf clear across country to a wedding, find out that she also has a friend she rarely sees and tell her that she can't see her? I think it would be okay to let her go on her own to see her friend or take a day trip with her. One day in a week is not unreasonable.
Author Kwilliams14 Posted December 14, 2013 Author Posted December 14, 2013 Thank you all for your replies. I think Im being a little selfish/possessive if I said to her that she cant see her friend and must do everything with me. We will figure out a way to see her friend, even if that means her breaking off from the wedding party for half of a day or so! Its great being able to talk it out and see other people's angles on the situation. And for that I thank you all!!
marvola Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 I think that you must be careful especially if that inevitably beautiful to look away now depends on her, no matter how long you are with it
Brunettie Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 She's going there for the week with you, and going to the wedding and reception and everything... yes she should be able to see her friend. At least for 1 day. You get to see your friends everyday that week that you rarely get to see, but she can't see her friend for a day that she rarely gets to see? Your friends won't think anything of it. She's going to their wedding and reception and any other wedding related activities, it's ok if she misses going out drinking or breakfast the next day. They'll understand.
InnocentMan Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 Don't sweat the small stuff, and this is about as small as it gets. Unless there are underlying issues about this, let her see her friend.
OpheliaSong Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 Are you paying for the trip? You never answered that, and that would be a huge deal in this case on what she does.
crederer Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 Are you paying for the trip? You never answered that, and that would be a huge deal in this case on what she does. What? It's his girl, if he pays it doesn't mean she has to do exactly as he says. He's not "buying" her for the weekend. 3
OpheliaSong Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 What? It's his girl, if he pays it doesn't mean she has to do exactly as he says. He's not "buying" her for the weekend. If someone is nice enough to pay your way, you respect them enough to do what was originally intended which is wedding stuff with his friends. If not, you are rude in my opinion. I wasn't suggesting she was a prostitute. Wow, if this was about a man wanting to do things with his friends while his girlfriend was inviting him and paying his way to a wedding, people would be going crazy right now. I think she is acting like he doesn't matter. I think she is a user and doesn't care about him.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 If someone is nice enough to pay your way, you respect them enough to do what was originally intended which is wedding stuff with his friends. If not, you are rude in my opinion. I wasn't suggesting she was a prostitute. Wow, if this was about a man wanting to do things with his friends while his girlfriend was inviting him and paying his way to a wedding, people would be going crazy right now. I think she is acting like he doesn't matter. I think she is a user and doesn't care about him. I'm guessing they are paying for themselves... At which point she feels the right to visit her friend. I don't see anything wrong with that. If he is paying for both... The GF is way out of line and it's just as you say.
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