HokeyReligions Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 I've had nothing to do with sister for over 30 years. Haven't missed her or cared. Today I got a christmas card. She was 'thinking' about me and then she writes how sad she is to have a sister she doesn't know. WTF! Let her be sad. I dont trust her. Never have, never will. Maybe she's dying or something. What really surprised me is that hubby said maybe I should write back! Seriously!! I'm not going to contact her. I do not need or want to build a relationship. Its too tiring and I've spent my entire adult life building a solitary hard shell and embracing the fact that after hubby I will be alone and not need anyone nor will I be a doormat for others. I was surprised at hubby. He finally shook his head and said "sorry. What was I thinking" and the matter is dropped. I have zero friends FOR A REASON. I CHOSE NOT TO. "Friendship" is was away overrated. Its far more trouble than its worth and relatives doubly-so. A card from my sister. She must be dying. I can't imagine any other reason she would send a card. 1
down hearted Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 i don't really know the history behind your relationship with your sister but seems like after 30 years she is trying to connect with you and 30 years is a really long time. The fact that you took the time to write this shows you do care at least a bit and your thinking about it, why don't you try contacting her, at least if it doesn't turn out well at least you know you tried and gave it a shot and not regret it later. Don't get me wrong i don't speak to my own sibling but if he were to reach out i would welcome it and just see what happens without expecting anything.
whichwayisup Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 I know you've been through so much pain and loss in your life, been dealt a really crappy hand in life - On some level it's made you wiser, so strong and so independent which all are great qualities, but the losses and pain have also hardened you, made you retreat from forming friendships, bonding and making friends, being close to people (excluding your husband)and Hoke, you're missing out by not allowing love and care by others into your life. People need people! You are choosing to shut everybody out. Sorry I'm with your H on this, reach out to your sister and see what happens. 30 years is a long time - And if she is dying, maybe she needs some closure or peace? Up to you, but please just give it some thought.
regine_phalange Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 Sorry that you feel that way. I hope I'm not being nosy, but why you do feel that way towards your sister (you dont have to answer if you dont want to)? Maybe your sister had a revelation or is really dying, what has she done that is so bad? I think I would reply, somehow formally. You don't have to be best friends after 30 years and sending a letter does not mean you will be a doormat! Just a "thank you for your card, merry xmas" for the karma.
down hearted Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 i agree with regine, sending a card doesn't automatically mean you two will be best of friends, but we always need people whether good, bad, ugly, at the end we need each other at one point or the other.
Lokie Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Oh jan and hokey, I too am struggling with my relationship with my sister. I keep wanting and waiting for her to change, but she continues to be critical and self-centered. I have begun to really distance myself, but I still struggle with thinking "this time it will be different." In some of my circles, we call this "going to the hardware store for milk." I'm probably never going to have the sister I want to have. How did you finally break ties? What caused the ending? (if you are willing to share) Thanks to both of you. L 1
Lokie Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 jan, sounds familiar. My sister has already announced that she will not care for my Mom if/when needed - and she lives 1.5 hours away and has extra bedrooms. I live 900 miles away and live in a one bedroom up 3 flights of stairs. I've come to the conclusion that she just doesn't have any love in her to give. She has a husband who caters to her every need, so unfortunately, I don't see this changing. God, it makes me so sad. 1
Lokie Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Also jan, I'm sorry you had to go through that. And bless you for taking care of your Mom. <3
Author HokeyReligions Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 My sister is a self-centered narcissistic botch. (Redundancy is deliberate) I flew from Texas to California many time to help and care for my mom. She and her sister shared a house. My sister conspired with our aunt to force our mother out of her house. Let me back up. Mom and aunt bought house together but aunt put it in her name even tho mom paid more than 50% of the cost. Mom trusted her sister. After moms bypass surgery and she couldn't work I helped make sure she had someone come in and clean house, do her laundry cooking and run errands. Aunt refused to help but she sure took advantage of the housekeeper. I didn't know this at the time. I didn't find out about how aunt stole moms social security money regularly by buying whatever she wanted and forcing mom to pay half. Using housekeeper to do for her first until there was no time to do for mom. Mom was a total victim and didn't want to tell me. Mom was recovering tho. Then I get a call. Mom was crying and in shock. Aunt was moving to a senior residence. She sold the house. My sister had been helping her! My sister called our mother and TOD her she better move in with me and my husband or live in the street. She had a week. She also told her that all the 'gifts' she bought her had better go with the aunt. I called my brother and we made arrangements and we moved my mom and her dog in with us. It was so difficult and fraught with heartbreak and bickering and just so difficult. Mom was with us for eight years. Not once did my sister offer to help. She threatened and wanted to 'shop' thru my house whenever mom passed because she felt entitled and well.... the things I found out about what mom went thru during those years I was so far away. I threw her card out. I think hubby is just worried about my being all alone after he is gone. The card from my sister offered him a glimmer of - something.... but I'm sure he'll forget about it. Honestly, just because we share genetic material is no foundation upon which to force an insincere relationship. Genetics is not a bonding substance. Really, I feel that what little I may be missing by not having friends or family and by not allowing bonding or relationships is so much outweighed by the benefits of not having to deal with the emotions and obligation, to be virtually invisible. 1
regine_phalange Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Oh Hokey, you have every right to be pissed off then! I can't believe what I just read and that this kind of things happen. Your poor mum... She was lucky at least to have you. My ex's mum had similar problems.... Plus she suffers from dementia in a very young age (64) and she cannot even take care of her self. In a nutshell, my ex's sister (who is a doctor!) practically kicked their mum out of the family house and if my ex wasnt around, this poor lady would be all alone. My ex's other 4 brothers didn't say anything about it. My ex is a lovely person and takes great care of her, but he feels so betrayed, he almost hates his family. I'm really sorry. It is true, that you can't choose your family... But you sure can choose your friends. A good friend is rare, but when is found is like a balsam to the soul.
Pastypop Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Wow, this thread has really hit home for me. Thought I was reading about my own mother. She is this way. Abused and bullied her sister for years and then I came along. She was and still is a horrible person. Doesn't care about anybody but herself. She steals from her boss, she lies, plays games and has abused me so many times. Not only that but she talks badly me about me which isolated me from my family, In laws and many others. Guess isolating someone is a way to hide the abuse. I felt helpless for years, still do sometimes. I thought I was the only one who knows what a monster she is but, my aunt always knew. My mother was always telling me I can't trust my aunt or any family member. I am a mess but, strong. I survived living with her and worked hard so I never have to ask her for anything. All ties have been cut now. When I got married, she turned my family against me. They weren't hardly speaking to me on my wedding day. She went out of her way to ruin that day, holidays, birthdays and any special day because I haven't been the daughter she wanted. I was not her puppet or her best friend. Over the years, whenever we show her kindness, she throws it in our faces. Since I have cut all contact with her, she only goes through my husband and he finally sees who she really is. Removing her from my life has allowed me to heal and some peace. Hopefully, I nor my children will never see or hear from her again. The best part of this is that she attends church every Sunday and volunteers most of the time. Guess she is more concerned with her appearances and comparing herself to the others there instead of listening to the sermon.
skydiveaddict Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 I've had nothing to do with sister for over 30 years. Haven't missed her or cared. Today I got a christmas card. Good. She's reaching out to you. Don't waste this. We only get one shot in this life. Make it count.
whichwayisup Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Okay, I completely understand why your toxic and sick/twisted sister is not in your life anymore..you're doing the right thing by not allowing her anywhere near you. She sounds like an awful person, just like the aunt! Sickening behaviour by both of them! Really, I feel that what little I may be missing by not having friends or family and by not allowing bonding or relationships is so much outweighed by the benefits of not having to deal with the emotions and obligation, to be virtually invisible. But wouldn't it just be nice to have one or two friends? You say emotions and obligations as a bad thing. Humans need one another, through good times and bad times.
Author HokeyReligions Posted December 21, 2013 Author Posted December 21, 2013 But wouldn't it just be nice to have one or two friends? You say emotions and obligations as a bad thing. Humans need one another, through good times and bad times. oh there have been times, in the misty shadows of deep night where I wish I had someone I could call on to come and just sit near me in my grief and fear. Someone who would feed the dogs and let them out. Maybe understand that the effort to breathe is sometimes all I can muster. But I fight those thoughts and eventually they go away. Its far far too late and I am just too tired to try to form even a shallow bond with anyone. Maybe humans as a whole need each other but need doesn't guarantee anything. Many of us are alone and will live out our lives alone. My brother called today. He told me his other sister and her husband were visiting him in January. He asked if I would be interested in him bringing them by my house. I said no. He was good with that. He lives 300ish miles away. I probably will never see him again either. He laughed when I told him I got a card from her and asked him if she was dying! Lol.
Author HokeyReligions Posted December 21, 2013 Author Posted December 21, 2013 Just to clarify. I'm on good terms with brother. But he's significantly older than me and we haven't much in common. When mom lived with me brother would come visit. We went thru some things as adults that bonded us but now we only talk a couple times a year. I've never been to his house. I reached out when hubby had his first stroke and brother came to help but it was actually more stressful because he was like a stranger in my home. We recognized this when he asked if he could get something out of the fridge. Close family and friends just go to the fridge. They don't need to ask. That's why I say its too late for me. I don't have the energy to build a relationship to that point. And building friendships is a lot more difficult than romantic relationships IMHO.
Trapito Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 I've had nothing to do with sister for over 30 years. Haven't missed her or cared. Today I got a christmas card. She was 'thinking' about me and then she writes how sad she is to have a sister she doesn't know. WTF! Let her be sad. I dont trust her. Never have, never will. Maybe she's dying or something. What really surprised me is that hubby said maybe I should write back! Seriously!! I'm not going to contact her. I do not need or want to build a relationship. Its too tiring and I've spent my entire adult life building a solitary hard shell and embracing the fact that after hubby I will be alone and not need anyone nor will I be a doormat for others. I was surprised at hubby. He finally shook his head and said "sorry. What was I thinking" and the matter is dropped. I have zero friends FOR A REASON. I CHOSE NOT TO. "Friendship" is was away overrated. Its far more trouble than its worth and relatives doubly-so. A card from my sister. She must be dying. I can't imagine any other reason she would send a card. I read the rest of your thread. Ugh! She tells you SHE is sad?! The nerve! After the way she has treated you and your mom, she doesn't have the right to guilt trip you. - Maybe she's sad - Maybe she's remorseful - Maybe she wants something - Maybe she wants to ease her guilt - Maybe she crapped her pants Just ignore if you don't want anything to do with her.
Author HokeyReligions Posted December 21, 2013 Author Posted December 21, 2013 - Maybe she crapped her pants. BUWHAHAHA! You made me laugh. Oh the visuals in my head. 1
Trapito Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 BUWHAHAHA! You made me laugh. Oh the visuals in my head. You are very welcome! Just visualize her crapping in her pants if that makes you help feel better, lol!
Recommended Posts