Weird Feelings...I thought I was out!?

[GGZ]

Hi everyone,

 

I came to LS three months ago as I was suffering from anxiety and depression because of an unrequited love story with an old friend of mine. I cannot say I have moved on 100%, but I feel much better than when my friend and I "broke up." Sorry for the long post, but there is really something I would like to ask and share here to listen to your advice.

 

Maybe it is because I (23 M) have had bitter experiences with women (for some reasons I relate better to older women), or because I have never been in any kind of relationships, I have really no interest whatsoever in relationships anymore. I have spent more time to think about myself, what kind of life I want to live as I pursue my studies in university. But the thing is last month I have met that girl in class, and since she missed some classes because she had a car accident and got sick many times, I proposed to help her out (who wouldn't!?). She has a boyfriend, and I told her that anything I have done for her I've done it because this is how any friend or anybody else would do to help someone out. Since she was injuried, I would offer to share any food I bring in class, so that she could recover.

I was perhaps a bit cold when I sent her that email to tell her that I did all these things because I wanted to be a good friend (I genuinely mean it). I wanted to tell her where I stand and that she has nothing to worry about from me. We have slowly become good friends, yet things then started to get a bit awkward (to me at least).

 

I invited a few friends in class for my birthday party, and I wanted to make sure she doesn't feel left out, so I asked her to come as well. She said she would make it for sure, but texted me at last minute change she could not make it. The next day, we met for a study session and I was pretty surprised that she had bought a bottle of red wine for me, and kissed me on my cheeks. Since then, I have felt a bit awkward whenever I see her. However today after class, as she left and we talked on how we answered on our final exam, I feel just how much I kinda of miss her out of sudden for no apparent reason...

 

I am sorry for the long post, but this feeling makes me really really incomfortable. To tell the truth, I don't want to become again emotionally dépendent on someone again. I feel I will be stuck in another loophole of depression and anxiety. What can I do now to get rid of this feeling?

 

I will keep myself busy with studying and training. In fact, I have signed up to join the Army Reserve, which is something I have always wanted to do, so that may keep my mind away from those feelings, but I feel this is only temporary...How can I resolve this anxiety issue I have not just with this friend, but in general? Any comments are appreciated!

Edited December 13, 2013 by GGZ

[valerasoy]

Hello GGZ!

 

I sympathize with you, and I hope my words bring you some comfort.

It's funny last week I was entertaining the idea of turning off my emotions like flick switch. If it only it were that easy, but we wouldn't be human if it were, huh?

 

Now, I think the issue starts with your "proclaimed" bitterness. I would like to know where you think this bitterness stems from. I know you mentioned your friend, not being in a real relationship and relating to older women. I found that tid bit very interesting. Relate how? In what do you get along with them?

 

From what I gather, you have a deep rooted issue that goes beyond dating and women. A bitterness you have harbored in your heart. And unfortunately, no matter how wise, or insightful my advice or anyone else's may be, the only factors that will heal you is your willingness and time. The good news is you have completed the first step! Yes, you have admitted and acknowledge your issue. Now you're ready to wrangle some bulls!

 

Now, it appears you have a lot going on here. One--you are still somewhat recovering from your past "friendship". And two, the root of your bitterness, I believe it is fear. Fear is holding you back. Whether it is fear of rejection, fear of being alone, fear of the unknown, or fear itself. Whatever it is it is holding you back, and hindering you from having a deep, emotional connection with people--regarding women.

 

Why am I saying all this? Because you need to get to the root of your issue. I am only going based off your paragraph. However, based off what I read, I think you're afraid to feel for someone. Probably because of your last friend. You probably cared a lot for this person, and went above and beyond. Yet, this person did not recuperate your feelings.

 

Now, you're contemplating turning off your emotions in order to not get hurt. You are feeling anxiety because you are aware of this. You are aware that you care about this friend. Whether it's romantic or not, the thought of history repeating itself is daunting, and haunts your conscious. The human brain has a tendency to remember when certain scenarios are likely to occur.

 

The truth is you're going to feel what you're going to feel. The more you try to fight it, the more challenging it will be. A more moderate approach might be to recognize that your feelings are all welcome and valid, but they don't define you. You miss your friend (a valid, expected, and *fleeting* emotion), but you've taken that feeling and turned it into a (negative) description of who you are forever -- you're dependent, you're needy. We pretty much all make those sorts of leaps, but see if you stop doing it for a while. Feel what you're feeling, even if that's loneliness or restlessness or anxiety, and just let yourself feel it. Know that it's not going to take you over; know that it doesn't define who you are as a person. You're a perfectly fine person who's temporarily having feelings of loneliness, NOT a lonely awful person forever and ever.

 

Remember, the only thing that will reduce your anxiety is by going through the emotions. You sound like an active individual, and I have a feeling you were probably more dependent before than you are now. I think once you understand yourself, and the more you come to accept where you are, the better you can cope with these feelings of anxiety.

 

But don't fight it by trying to deny what you feel; acting like it doesn't exist; blaming yourself, or anything that makes you feel bad about yourself.

 

Better yet accept, and be patient with yourself.

 

" This is how I feel, but I know it won't last forever. Let me focus on positive things that will benefit me and help me grow.

 

Like the army reserves, that's a good idea. And inviting all those people to your party was a great idea too. You're on the right track!

 

Sorry for the long reply, ha ha. ^_^

[GGZ]

Hi Valerasoy,

 

Thank you for your reply, I think some of what you said makes sense, but I think it will take quite some time before I can understand and someday fix this so-called fear. I would not necessarily call it fear, maybe it is, I don't know. But I like to think it is apprehension.

 

For your interest, I find myself more at ease talking and seeing female friends who are older than me (I sometimes meet with a friend of mine, I am 23, she is 30 and we would go for a morning jog together, sit down and chat and just hang out as friends; she says sometimes I am older than my age. Another friend is a woman whom I met while working at my summer job at Veteran Affairs, She is in her 50s and we get along well. Whenever I made a mistake, she would defend me and explain why I did so and so to our supervisor...These are just a few examples. For some reasons, I feel I have more things in common with older women than women around my age. Long story short!).

 

I guess I need to deal with that issue of my skepticism/bitterman in relationships, but I think I should first accept and get rid of my anxiety issues and trust issues...Here is the thing, I like to be close to people, but when they get too close (they get in my personal space or want to see me too often), I become somehow intimidated. I feel I must have my freedom and space; I want people to be in my life, but at the same time I cannot allow anyone to be too close to me with a few exceptions because I feel I will lose myself and fail to care for my loved ones. For me, life is just a long-term trip in wilderness and at sea; you gotta to watch and protect others in your line of duty. And nothing should distract you from doing so. It is not as if I am afraid of commitment, in fact I want to stay in touch with good friends and help them as much as I can in their needs in life, but I feel that if I let anyone slip into that more intimate sphere of my life, I would not be able to get out of it. In some ways, I enjoy being a lone wolf who does what it can to help those I care, but eclipses away without asking much in return. When someone shows some interest to me (romantic), I just don't know how I should handle this; I have thought I have done my part by helping her, and things should end here, but apparently not...I appreciate when it is on a friendly basis, but when it has a hidden agenda and it means more, I feel I am becoming dépendent and stuck in someone else's will. It is something very hard for me to explain, but it stresses me pretty much...Hopefully, I won't feel like this again or such situations won't reproduce themselves again.

 

This is the way I am happy to be for now. When I do let someone in that intimate part of myself, usually that same person is not interested...I hope I haven't lost you here, . Anyways, thanks for your post, sorry I am a bit tired, got out of another exam, and I feel I am not very productive in whatever I am writing or saying :S, but I just wanted to add to what you have written and explain why I have this thing which you refer to as fear in me.

Edited December 18, 2013 by GGZ