MelodyRye Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 (edited) freaked out over the thought of being for years with the same person, seeing him everyday and hearing him say ''I love you'' and vice versa?? This imaginary episode really freaks me out. I was recently gf with this guy for nearly 2 months and had to break it up because I got bored fast. We did almost everything but sex and anal (the only two things I've never done yet). Brief information about me: 20 year-old sophomore girl in college Don't even know who exactly I'm waiting for nor what Being with one person for years is freaking me out Marriage and kids freaks me out I like parties a lot Have my own fantasies but can't act out on them due to the social stigma that will always exist Edited December 13, 2013 by MelodyRye
stillafool Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Hi Melody, the good news is you DO NOT have to marry anyone. You can stay single for life if you choose. You don't have to have kids either. Since you love to party - do that. This is your life so lead it anyway you want to. 3
pteromom Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Sounds like you are 20. Seriously - there is nothing unusual about what you are feeling. There is no reason you need to think about being with one person for years, marriage, or children. There's no reason you need to know what you are looking for or what you want. Just enjoy life, move forward getting to know yourself and working on education and career. If you decide you want to have sex, go ahead. If not, that's ok too. 3
Grumpybutfun Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 meoldyRye: You are an adult and with that comes the responsibility of becoming more aware of what your beliefs are as opposed to the beliefs of your childhood. You get to figure out your values and how YOU feel about certain things. You form your own ideologies and you become a more well- rounded person by reading extensively and thinking about things outside of your parents, communities, religion's viewpoints. Social stigmas can be in place for everyone, but only those who live their lives seeking the approval and validation of others before concerning themselves with their own needs and desires conform their lives to these. Beliefs are something you have to figure out for yourself and then you have to let go of the ones that no longer work for you. It is just a part of growing up and is exactly what college is for. Question everything and know that it is okay not to act or react until you feel comfortable. Best, Grumps
Author MelodyRye Posted December 13, 2013 Author Posted December 13, 2013 Hi Melody, the good news is you DO NOT have to marry anyone. You can stay single for life if you choose. You don't have to have kids either. Since you love to party - do that. This is your life so lead it anyway you want to.You're right I don't have to live that conventional life many women are conditioned to: get into a long-term relationship, get married one day and have kids. It's just that on every family reunion or social gatherings, I've felt for a long time that I can't be myself. Everyone praising me on what a sweet girl with moral values and saying ''Oh you'll find that special guy, he'll be happy to marry you'' that it's really getting annoyed. Basically it's like I'm suppose to be already thinking about my dream guy, romance and marriage. They even think I don't drink too much and praised me on that (in reality I do drink a lot in parties, as much as a guy). Ahhhh I guess it's time I follow what I want even if that won't make them nor society happy. I'm a party girl by nature.
regine_phalange Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 It's just that on every family reunion or social gatherings, I've felt for a long time that I can't be myself. Everyone praising me on what a sweet girl with moral values and saying ''Oh you'll find that special guy, he'll be happy to marry you'' that it's really getting annoyed. Hey, I also listen to that all the time and I have had some boyfriends already. My granny is getting crazy that I am 26 and unmarried. 1
carhill Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 20 year-old sophomore girl in college Don't even know who exactly I'm waiting for nor what Being with one person for years is freaking me out Marriage and kids freaks me out I like parties a lot Have my own fantasies but can't act out on them due to the social stigma that will always exist Stay single! No rush. You're a young lady who's a virgin. Plenty of time for all that serious relationship stuff. Socialize with young men, date some, build lasting relationships with other women and complete your education. Your 'freaking out' is your psyche saying 'stay single!' Nothing wrong with that. Good luck. 2
polynomial Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Monogamy is not for everyone. Plus you're young and you have plenty of time to figure out what you want. You do not have to settle down right away or even never if you don't want to. Good luck!
d0nnivain Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 At 20 the idea of marriage & kids & settling down had me running for the hills too. Until I got to grad school, the longest relationship I had was 3 months. I hated be tied down & wanted to see what else & who else was out there. I got bored fast. The minute the guy started to fall for me, I was outta there. You're young. Enjoy yourself. Play the field. Explore. Figure out who you are. Maybe that path takes you around the world on a solo journey. Maybe it sends you home & into the arms of your HS BF. Who knows? You don't have to figure it out now. 1
emva07 Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Our parents and grandparents come from a time where the expectation was to be married and have kids by 25-27....that is not the case anymore! When our generation becomes parents and grandparents to 20-something year olds I don't think we will be putting the same pressure our parents and grandparents were putting on us at our family reunions. Times change.
carhill Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Our parents and grandparents come from a time where the expectation was to be married and have kids by 25-27....that is not the case anymore! Yup, and I guess I was blessed (or cursed, as it may be) to have outlier parents who essentially told me at that age the same advice I gave the OP and outlined by yourself. Never was pressured to 'get married' or 'give them a grandchild' and that was in the 1970's. Hence, I never felt 'freaked out', even though my peers were getting married and popping out babies right and left. Peers were strangers and parents were respected and admired role models. On that note, OP, what's your parent's position on all this?
Vogeltron Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Honestly, do what you think it right for yourself. Forget everyone else. Have know a few people who didn't have sex into the mid 20's for various reasons both men and women. Including myself I was late in the game. As a male I don't regret it at all. For a long time it wasn't the right situation when it happened it was the right one for me at the time. Don't listen to what all the other people who are hate on you or are jealous of your purity have to say. Figure out what you want and go that route. Absolutely do not feel pressured or any kinda stigma. Marriage and kids and all that will come. Once you figure out who you are and the type of person you want to be with. It is part of the growing up process.
gaius Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 What are the fantasies you can't act on? Some women are just naturally primal and not meant for long term relationships.
Author MelodyRye Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 What are the fantasies you can't act on? Meeting with guys on the beach and male celebrities. Only I wouldn't want a relationship with them. Just for the moment. For fun. Some women are just naturally primal and not meant for long term relationships.True. I'm not really thinking about my dream guy nor the day I settle down. I only want to have fun but then I'm going to get badly known as. This will just disappoint all my family members.
Author MelodyRye Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) On that note, OP, what's your parent's position on all this?Like always. Getting praised that I'm still a virgin because I'm waiting for the man who I'll settle down with or be engaged too. Not really. At first it was because I wasn't ready but now is really because I just don't want to be labelled. I guess I'm not going along with what everything thinks. The last thing I want is to feel forced to stay with a guy just because he takes my V-card and be attached to him. I already done the other things without any romantic feelings. Edited January 10, 2014 by MelodyRye
Mrlonelyone Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 You sound like every 20 year old. At your age you want to be free to experience a variety of things and live a little. Being with one guy who truly loves you yet never being with any other guy are scary. By the time you are 25 - 35 the scary thing won't be marriage, it will be divorce and the aftermath. No matter what age you get married at, 22 or 42 it is a scary prospect to promise someone love and company and support for life.
stillafool Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 The last thing I want is to feel forced to stay with a guy just because he takes my V-card and be attached to him. I already done the other things without any romantic feelings. You will not be forced to do anything. Very few women stay with or marry the guy who took their virginity.
stillafool Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Meeting with guys on the beach and male celebrities. Only I wouldn't want a relationship with them. Just for the moment. For fun. True. I'm not really thinking about my dream guy nor the day I settle down. I only want to have fun but then I'm going to get badly known as. This will just disappoint all my family members. You don't have to tell them. 1
pteromom Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 You don't have to tell them. Yes, this. You are 20 now, and are at the point where your family doesn't need to know every detail of your life. Your family will always have opinions about what they want for you, and that's ok. Be thankful you have people who care about you, then go out and be who you want to be. You can listen to them and acknowledge them without either agreeing or arguing with them. So if someone in your family says "I know you'll meet that special guy soon!", just smile and say "Maybe". Non-committal, appreciative of their caring, but without any indication that you even want to find someone special. Good responses to well-meaning advice and comments: "I hear you." "I've never thought of that before." "Mmm-hmm." "Interesting thought." It simply is not important that you argue your point of view or get them to accept/understand that you feel differently. It doesn't really matter if your mom believes you are waiting for a special guy. 1
HokeyReligions Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 Yup, and I guess I was blessed (or cursed, as it may be) to have outlier parents who essentially told me at that age the same advice I gave the OP and outlined by yourself. Never was pressured to 'get married' or 'give them a grandchild' and that was in the 1970's. Hence, I never felt 'freaked out', even though my peers were getting married and popping out babies right and left. Peers were strangers and parents were respected and admired role models. On that note, OP, what's your parent's position on all this? There are some of us around. My mom, born in 1926, was told to dropout of school and marry. She was 16. HER mother is who forced her to. Consequently, she advised me to find myself first. Stay single if I wanted. Don't rush into anything. She told my sister that too but I think grandma got to her because she got herself pregnant at 16 and married the guy. It was a horrible marriage for her but it didnt stop her from berating me and constantly asking why I didnt have a man yet seeing as i was an old maid of 24. I just said "I don't need one. Im not you" which made her and grandma cringe and mom and I smile. Just 'grin and bear it' as my mom told me. And remember that your family is trying to encourage and support you in th best way they know how and they do it because they love you.
Author MelodyRye Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 You sound like every 20 year old. At your age you want to be free to experience a variety of things and live a little. Being with one guy who truly loves you yet never being with any other guy are scary.That's exactly how I feel. What if the marriage turns out crappy (the divorce rates have been after increasing in these years) and I then realized how much time I've wasted by only being with 1 man in my life and those youthful years never coming back?? I'm definitely not going to be a virgin by the time I'm older and think about settling down. By the time you are 25 - 35 the scary thing won't be marriage, it will be divorce and the aftermath.I've seen that happened to one of my friend's cousin. They married so young after finishing HS and 5 years later, their marriage goes to hell, his wife cheated and they got divorced. No matter what age you get married at, 22 or 42 it is a scary prospect to promise someone love and company and support for life.The word life is sure already scaring me. In the meantime I just want to enjoy life and explore my options. I've done oral sex again last week with someone I found attractive but not interested in making a long-term commitment with.
kart180 Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 No matter what age you get married at, 22 or 42 it is a scary prospect to promise someone love and company and support for life. That does not scary. If I can offer my love and company and support to a women for my life. I know we will both be better and she will always have someone to help out and support with her problems and joys.
Kate9292 Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 I'm not a virgin since long and I agree 100%. I can't imagine my life going any different. If I was with one person for life, I would be curious what it's like with others.
Els Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 It's just that on every family reunion or social gatherings, I've felt for a long time that I can't be myself. Everyone praising me on what a sweet girl with moral values and saying ''Oh you'll find that special guy, he'll be happy to marry you'' that it's really getting annoyed. IME, this is likely to happen regardless of whether you are single or in a relationship. And once you are already married, you'll hear them pestering you about not having kids yet. And once you have kids, they'll pester you about how said kids are being brought up... Seriously, I've seen it all happen. Don't make your life decisions based on others' expectations. Do whatever feels right for YOU. 1
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