Sukotto Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Hey Merin, glad you seemed to have things resolved with your guy. Moving a house is very stressful, when a guy moves house he does plenty of stupid things to make the situtation worse like putting the coffee and sugar in the bottom of a big box, under a big stack of boxes in the corner and when that caeffine rush is needed the most little thing sets you off. Other stuff that you forget to keep handy when moving include towels, sheets and spoons. When you have a woman helping with the moving its so much easier. I think everytime you want to freak out and say something to him you should come run it past everyone here first or maybe just start letting your guard down a bit. He definately doesn't sound like your past ass-clowns that you've mentioned, the more you let him in the less worked up you'll get when something changes about his behaviour as you'll come to expect it. Now I don't suppose you guy has any younger sisters in the Glasgow area who have a similar personality?
gridiron Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Originally posted by Merin I had told him before that I'm not one who can let things go without knowing where I stand.. I can't sit and wait on it.. and he had told me that he is the type who needs time alone to think... so yeah. I think this is one of the biggest differences in how men and women deal with issues. Most men typically need some time to step back from it all so they can rationally think through a problem without anyone else's input, even from those they like or love, whereas women seem to want to just talk it out and misinterpret not talking about something right away as a sign that he does not want to deal with issues or does not want your opinion, which is really not the case. It's good both of you are aware of this difference. I would say you should respect his need for some alone time when he asks for it verbally or nonverbally. Just let him know how you feel and that you want to share his thoughts to help, as soon as he has had some time to think it over. If both of you are understanding of this, I think he will open up to you more. Anyway, just my two cents - good luck.
Author Merin Posted January 10, 2005 Author Posted January 10, 2005 Originally posted by Mary3 Its quite obvious this man cares about you and I am very happy for both of you ....It seems he is very aware of his feelings and wants to take it slowly,.....You are both blessed ! Good Luck Thank you Mary
Author Merin Posted January 10, 2005 Author Posted January 10, 2005 Originally posted by Sukotto Hey Merin, glad you seemed to have things resolved with your guy. Moving a house is very stressful, when a guy moves house he does plenty of stupid things to make the situtation worse like putting the coffee and sugar in the bottom of a big box, under a big stack of boxes in the corner and when that caeffine rush is needed the most little thing sets you off. Other stuff that you forget to keep handy when moving include towels, sheets and spoons. When you have a woman helping with the moving its so much easier. I think everytime you want to freak out and say something to him you should come run it past everyone here first or maybe just start letting your guard down a bit. He definately doesn't sound like your past ass-clowns that you've mentioned, the more you let him in the less worked up you'll get when something changes about his behaviour as you'll come to expect it. Now I don't suppose you guy has any younger sisters in the Glasgow area who have a similar personality? LOL thank you Sukotto! I am trying really hard to resolve my issues and not do things that aren't good for me, or for him... It is funny that you mention the coffee and sugar... LOL I was looking for cleaning supplies when I went over.. went to the kitchen sink.. grabbed some paper towel.. he asked me "where did you find those?" I was like "uh... under the sink where they should be" he had been using coffee filters to whipe things and giving his kids coffee filters for knapkins because he couldn't find the paper towel for a few days... I will run things past you guys the next time I'm feeling stressed about things... Thank you soooooooooooooooo much for your input and thoughts.. it helps a lot! BTW.. he does have a sister... LOL but she is an older sister and she is married... damn!
Author Merin Posted January 10, 2005 Author Posted January 10, 2005 Originally posted by gridiron I think this is one of the biggest differences in how men and women deal with issues. Most men typically need some time to step back from it all so they can rationally think through a problem without anyone else's input, even from those they like or love, whereas women seem to want to just talk it out and misinterpret not talking about something right away as a sign that he does not want to deal with issues or does not want your opinion, which is really not the case. It's good both of you are aware of this difference. I would say you should respect his need for some alone time when he asks for it verbally or nonverbally. Just let him know how you feel and that you want to share his thoughts to help, as soon as he has had some time to think it over. If both of you are understanding of this, I think he will open up to you more. Anyway, just my two cents - good luck. You're 110% right Gridiron... I am trying (again) really hard to see that we are different in a lot of ways.. and to keep it in mind, that it's okay. We both tend to over think things at times... LOL we just do it in different ways. I am taking your advice (and the advice of everyone else) and trying to relax... give him what he needs to be okay and doing what I need to be okay as well... being here with you guys (so to speak) helps me out a lot. More than you guys know... thank you
Barby Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 I'm so glad that it was a mis-understanding and basically nothing more! YEEEAH!
Author Merin Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by Barby I'm so glad that it was a mis-understanding and basically nothing more! YEEEAH! LOL me toooooooooo!!!!! Yeah.. I get freaked out.. I've got my own little issues going on I guess. So he came over tonite.. the radio in my Dad's car isn't working because of some anti theft (I can't help but laugh at that after all thats happend to me with my car) anyway.. some anti theft thing on his radio.. if the battery goes dead (which you may remember it did ugh!) then the radio has to be re-set with a code... Well I don't have the damn code so it's been for some quiet drives.. sucks! So J said he would come over and get the radio out of the car and take it to the dealership to get the code.. He came over tonite, pulled out the radio for me, brought me over a new brake lamp for the car and changed that too.. it's this kind of stuff that means everything to me. So he said when he came over tonite that he was going to pull the stereo out and fix the brake lamp but that he wasn't going to stay over tonite... he got a new playstation2 and he had some other things to do after... I was very good girl.. I didn't ask him what else he had to do, or where he was going after he left my house... I said Thank you soooo much for coming over tonite to help me out.. told him to drive careful and I would talk to him tomorrow.. I didn't ask any "prying" questions. So tell me you guys... Did I do good tonite? I'm trying not to let it get to me... wondering where else he had to go.. and wishing he had stayed over with me.. these are MY MY MY issues.. ugh! He is a good guy.. and he didn't have to do this for me.. the fact that he did says a lot.. uh.. Sukotto, I 'm running this past you guys LOL God I'm pathetic!
Barby Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 So tell me you guys... Did I do good tonite? Yeap and I think it's normal for every woman to want to know exactly what her partner is doing when he's not with her, but you showed strength and maturity not asking him and even though it was driving ya nuts....congrads on being strong!
Scott S Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by Merin So tell me you guys... Did I do good tonite? I'm trying not to let it get to me... wondering where else he had to go.. and wishing he had stayed over with me.. these are MY MY MY issues.. ugh! He is a good guy.. and he didn't have to do this for me.. the fact that he did says a lot.. uh.. Sukotto, I 'm running this past you guys LOL God I'm pathetic! I think you did just fine! You don't want to weary of him being in your face all the time, do you? He will stay over again, & as you grow closer, he'll stay more often & longer. And you aren't pathetic, just nervous & antsy. Just remember what we've said about overanalyzing!
savethedrama4allama Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Okay, but I don't ever want to hear that he swore at you again. Merin deserves much more respect!
Scott S Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama Okay, but I don't ever want to hear that he swore at you again. Merin deserves much more respect! I would agree wholeheartedly. If there is anyone whom a man should treat like a lady & be a gentleman with, it's his wife, ladyfriend, etc.
Scott S Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by Merin :Merin feels better: Thanks you guys for letting me "air" MY issues.. loves you guys! We love you too!
Author Merin Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama Okay, but I don't ever want to hear that he swore at you again. Merin deserves much more respect! Thank you girl! Today (or I should say tonite) I'm feeling... ugh blah about this again. I swear to you guys I don't look for the bad... but tonite... hmmm... I'm starting to wonder if it's all worth the effort I'm putting into this. He does these amazing things for me... like coming to get the radio out... that was so nice of him and I give him mad props for doing so... today he called me and said he got the radio fixed on his lunch break (again, what a sweet person right?) So I text him and told him I would cook dinner tonite and I would love for him to come over and eat.. (and bellliieevveee me, I'm an outstanding cook if I do say so myself!) This was at around 230 BEFORE I left work... well I didn't hear back from him, so I like a jackass ASSumed he was coming to eat with me... I went home after work cleaned up a little, took a shower.. picked up my kiddo from school.. took her to the store to get things for dinner then went to get my littlest person from my Dad's house.. where I grilled Greek Porkchops, wrapped them up and headed for home to finish cooking... Well.. he calls me at like 620 and says "Go ahead and eat... one of the higher ups is taking a bunch of us out to a new place to eat tonite and we're going to have some beers." Okay.. I know he never told me he was coming for dinner when I invited him at 230.. so I give him that... BUT I did wonder why he didn't tell me THEN that he wasn't planning on coming... I didn't say ANYTHING.. just said "Okay" then he said "Well I'll be over in a few hours if it doesn't get to late and put your radio back in the car" I said "No thats okay J.. don't worry about it... You have plans tonite, so have a good time and we'll talk tomorrow." I was "upbeat" about things... didn't make a deal out of it... so then he says "Stop, don't be like this" I said "No really it's not an issue.. I've been without a radio for a month now.. so another day isn't going to hurt anything." He INSISTED that he would be over tonite to put the radio back in... BUT honestly when I said no don't worry about coming tonite.. I meant it.. I don't want him to come over tonite... I'm sort of feeling like a "charity case" and I would rather just go to bed, be alone and not let my eyes show what I'm REALLY thinking.. thats a curse for me.. my eyes show EVERYTHING even when I think i'm doing good at hiding it. So of course I called my Dad... ugh my poor Dad! My Dad's take is DON'T invite him over for dinner again... that I'm making myself too available... I guess my take was that I was making him dinner because he helped me out.. so yeah it seemed like a nice thing to do... So here I am again... damn it! Right now I feel like I'm the only one "bending" trying to change my habits to make things okay for him... :Merin bangs head on desk: Crrrrraaaapppppppppp! I need some VEGAS BABY! Sh*t!
Author Merin Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by Barby Yeap and I think it's normal for every woman to want to know exactly what her partner is doing when he's not with her, but you showed strength and maturity not asking him and even though it was driving ya nuts....congrads on being strong! Thank you sweetie... man this is getting harder on me by the second... ugh!
Author Merin Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by Scott S I think you did just fine! You don't want to weary of him being in your face all the time, do you? He will stay over again, & as you grow closer, he'll stay more often & longer. And you aren't pathetic, just nervous & antsy. Just remember what we've said about overanalyzing! Thanks Scott.. :Merin is trying realllllyyy hard to put on a happy face: I feel pathetic...
soccorsilly Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Right now I feel like I'm the only one "bending" trying to change my habits to make things okay for him. Hey Merin- I am divorced with kids and the whole route as well. Not to say you are exactly like me, but this mentality has worked for me and a bunch of friends in real life that are in a similar place. Don't bend now. Merin, you know what you want out of life, a boyfriend, perhaps a future husband. Look for that. Do not try and make someone into that person, and for godsakes don't you go and try to become someone HE wants you to be. Draw yourself a figurative box and say that these are the criteria that need to be met to go forward--cute, employed, has kids, nice butt, handy with tools, dependable, wants to spend time with me, etc. These are the must haves. This is what it is gonna take to make you happy. Look for men in that box. If they don't fit here, you are asking for a letdown sometime in the future. Once you find that person, then you can delve outside the limits a little bit. OK, so he is a meat and potatoes man and you are a sushi girl. Maybe you can learn a new steak recipe. But on the other hand, he shuold be willing to try sushi (or at least go with you to the restaurant and eat rice). Cover the basics first girl and be sure you are both comfortable with them. If not, just think of yourself like the Deli Line at the supermarket..NEXT! BTW, sounds like your dad has some good advice to me!
CurlyIam Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Hi, Merin Well, don't worry, all new relationship (anyway mine) have stormy beginnings. I think that indeed you got a bit too emotional with him. You got attached and I think he's not there yet. Yes was a jerk. Sorry. He was. Because: first. he could have told you he may have plans; second:he could have said he already had plans if he indeed found dinner with you that scary; third: he could have cancelled it all for spending some time with you. He didn't have to to anything but announce you beforehand he won't come. I envy you for your relationship with your dad. He's also right. You're following your heart not the beat of the relationship. I know it sounds kindergarden like but: don't call unless he does, don't propose things unless he does, let him find the rythme he's comfortable with in this relationship. Make yourself a bit unavailable also and have fun with other people too. It seems to me you're a tinny winny too centered on him. What he does. When he does it. That's not a problem if you're not letting it slip. Take control of your part of the game. I even dare suggest meet other people. Not for him. For you. For your own piece of mind. Merin, maybe I'm wrong... he's not with all his heart in it. So why don't you prepare an elegant way out of this situation. MAybe there's a chance that when he realizes you're slipping through his fingers he'd reconsider his position. Curly P.S. I would have invited my dad over to eat the terrific dinner you had prepared. Why let it waiste ? Chill out, it's only a guy!
Author Merin Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 Thank you... ((Soccor)) Good to see you back around here as well Miss Curly:) Well, he came over... he didn't call first... So... it went from bad, to pretty good, to not so good, to bad, to let's talk, to good again... to worse... I don't know... I did tell him Soccor that I feel I am bending to make things okay for him and that I cannot be doing that... I also told him that I feel myself getting attached to him and that I need to take a step back from that because it feels to me he pushes me away... He asked me if I didn't want to see him anymore... I told him I do want to see him... but I don't understand him. He gives a lot of mixed messages... I told him when I feel he is in some ways trying to push me away... that I have no other choice but to go away. He said he doesn't want me to go away... that he is scared of relationships and scared of what he is feeling. He put it this way... he said that he loves spending time with me, that he feels badly if he can't... he worries that if he goes with his friends that I will be mad. When I asked him why he felt that way... he said "Because that's how it was with my ex wife" ugh! Said his "ideal situation" would be an amazing girlfriend... with the benefits of being single as well... When I asked him what that meant, he said that he wants his HIM time without a girl around all the time... but that he wants all the benefits of having a girlfriend.... uh... okay. We talked a lot.. we always seem to end up in these deep conversations... it was getting late... End results... he asked me if we were "good" about a million times.... he told me he was going to go home... asked me if I was mad that he wasn't going to stay over... I said no (and I meant it) then he was standing at my door just looking at me... he said he needs to find a balance.. where he does what he needs to do to make him okay.. and to not neglet me while he's at it... I don't know what he was waiting to hear from me... but it seemed something... Then he kind of (well actually he did) push me away (so to speak) put his hands around my waist and moved me back away from him.... he opened the door... asked again if we were good... said he would call me tomorrow if I didn't call him... said goodnight and left... I just stood in the same place he had "put me" Felt like sh*t... text him a few minutes after he left... told him sorry... thanked him for fixing my car and went to bed. He text me about 30 minutes later and said night... that was it, that was all......... In the end here.... I feel like this is all me having problems, and I don't know how to fix them. My Dad.... you're both right.. he is an amazing person.... he NEVER bull****s me, ALWAYS has my back and I trust him completely.... Love you Dad! Bah.. Wednsday.
crisp Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by CurlyIam Hi, Merin I know it sounds kindergarden like but: don't call unless he does, don't propose things unless he does, let him find the rythme he's comfortable with in this relationship. Make yourself a bit unavailable also and have fun with other people too. Take control of your part of the game. I even dare suggest meet other people. Not for him. For you. For your own piece of mind. and Merin, maybe I'm wrong... he's not with all his heart in it. So why don't you prepare an elegant way out of this situation. MAybe there's a chance that when he realizes you're slipping through his fingers he'd reconsider his position. and let's not forget Chill out, it's only a guy! I may add: There are so many other available great men out there!!!! Keep that in mind when he upsets you again!
Sukotto Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Hey Merin, sounds like you have a flip-flopper. His mind will just change randomly and there is very little you can do about that other than let him be. I certainly wouldn't like the idea of a partner who could be all for me one minute then want not to see me then back to seeing me, but some people might think thats ok. When you were saying he just wanted the benefits of a girlfriend while having his own time, the first thing that jumped into my mind was friends with benefits, and thats definately not ok unless you just want to hook up with him when you need to. I envy your relationship with your dad too, i barely talk to my parents about relationships as they just tell me what i want to hear rather than something constructive. Hence why I come her for advice.
soccorsilly Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 that he is scared of relationships and scared of what he is feeling Merin--you want a realtionship--he is scared of it. Back off. Don't text him, meet others (you don't havce to date them), and don't call him. It was rude to come over unannounced at this point in your "relationship" especially since he already had plans. Are you second choice? I think not. Right now, he is at a phase where he is looking to sow his wild oats. He had a bitch of an ex wife (I assume) and is not eager to repeat any mistakes (not that he knows if you are or are not a mistake) so he is looking for a woman who will sleep with him and give him sexual gratification on his terms when he wants it and back off when he wants to go out with the boys or do anything on his own time. I also believe that his boys nights out will eventually evolve into a "well I don't really have a girlfriend, so sure Bambi, why don't we go dancing and "whatever" tonight" You don't want to go there. Bail before you invest any more. It may hurt for a bit, but YO Uare worth it and you should not sell yourself short to make some flip flopping commitaphobe happy when he has no intention of returning the favor. Relationships are a two way street and he needs to know that. I went through (that sounds worse than it is) four or five women right after my divorce and when the traits that did not fit in my box were displayed, I cut it short. I know that I lost probably the best sex I EVER had, but hey--I have my priorities. DAMMIT!
Mary3 Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Maybe you need to honestly take a step back and do the following : Don't text this guy everytime he steps out the door after 30 minutes. Its a habit but it can be broken Don't invite this guy over to dinner anymore. Let him reciprocate by asking you out more often . Don't dissect and overanalyze his every word, movement , remark, phone call, and don't wonder what he is doing every moment. Don't be so preoccupied with this man who obviously has other things on his mind, other interests, other goals, other friends. You need to do the same. Don't make him the center of your universe because he does not seem to be traveling in the same Galaxy.... I say this because you want to have your own life as well. What if he were gone tomorrow out of your life ? Listen to him when he says he needs time with the Men/Boys/Guys He DOES have this need and he will get that need met with or without you. Tough Love time here to protect you from getting hurt . Protect your own heart please
Author Merin Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 Mary... Yes, yes, and YES.. LOL you're right.. thank you sista. Soccor... I ALWAYS appreciate your thought's.. they make sense and make me feel better... Sukotto... yes, he does seem to flip flop a lot.. I mean he never really treats me "bad" and I know I have issues and tend to think things to freakin death... regarding the friends with benefits deal.. told him last night straight up, that I'm not down for that and IF that is what he was/is thinking then it's time for us both to move on... he told me that wasn't his intention... and for some reason, I do believe him. He called me this morning.. asked me if "we were okay... " he asked me if I was angry with him... if I was okay... I told him I wasn't mad.. then he said are you confused... I said yes. He told me that no matter what he wants to work on this.. that he believes we will be okay, he isn't going anywhere and we have a lot of time to work on things... he added that he thinks i'm "worth the risk" of potentially getting hurt... I talked to my Dad this morning LOL he listened... looked at me... said seriously "Tell him to go sleep with his buddies if that's what does it for him!" Go dad go dad! LOL Told me I needed to CHILL THE HELL OUT... step back... and breathe... Sooooooo *deep breath in... exhale* I'm always working on things you guys... I have problems and issues... but essentially I think i'm a pretty cool person and I'm a very strong girl... regardless of what happens. AGAIN.... MY deepest gratitude to you guys for being "here" for me... means a lot.
Mary3 Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 I see some good signs here that he does care about you. He is genuinely concerned that you still care about him and your relationship. He seems worth the effort but confused as to release his heart to your protective care. Just back off and watch with amazing results how he will start persuing you the way you want.... Practice Practice Girl ! I think he needs some patience in this ....give him time Good thing he does not want FWB...that only works if the couple just want sex....
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