What did he say?

[Merin]

So the new guy I've been dating is amazing.. all seems well..

 

However.. let me ask you guys a few things.

 

Okay.. he has spent a lot of time with me, has had my back and helped me out sooooooo much with all I've had going on, has met my family, my little people.. he introduced me to his friends over this last weekend..

 

Heres my "issue" he gives me some mixed messages..

 

He tells me he doesn't and would never cheat on me.. (yay for that!) He will speak in the future.. about places and/or things he wants to do with me (good to go right?!) he seems to want to spend his time with me..

 

BUT then he will get sketchy.. example.. he will say things like this "On new years day, I'm going riding with my buddy all day" (we went out for NYE together and he was staying over with me) so I said "Thats fine" as soon as this is out of my mouth he will say "Oh I know it's fine!" uhhhhh.. okay? I wasn't saying thats fine, like he has my permission.. just saying thats fine like "okay"

 

This isn't really a problem.. and I know he has some "committment issues" because of his divorce blah blah.. BUT I guess I wonder if he is just letting me "know" or if he is trying to tell me something else?

 

Again.. he told me yesterday he had never expected or planned on meeting anyone by the likes of me and how happy he is that he did.. so LOL yay for me! BUT.. OH CRAP! I'm over-analyzing?

[Barby]

Maybe he was trying to let you know so you wouldn't be annoyed if you couldn't get ahold of him...then maybe you saying "That's fine" maybe HE took it wrong like you were trying to give him your permission, got offended and was trying to let you know that he "ain't having it" hahaha! I dunno! You could be over thinking everything trying to look for assclown vibes!

[Merin]

Originally posted by Barby

Maybe he was trying to let you know so you wouldn't be annoyed if you couldn't get ahold of him...then maybe you saying "That's fine" maybe HE took it wrong like you were trying to give him your permission, got offended and was trying to let you know that he "ain't having it" hahaha! I dunno! You could be over thinking everything trying to look for assclown vibes!

 

I'm ALWAYS looking for those assclown vibes! DOH!

 

He is really great.. and treats me really well.. so yeah you're right I probably am just over thinking this..

 

I know he does have some "issues" with committment somewhat.. and sometimes I think he "tries" to talk himself out of things.. he has actually told me that he also is freaked about getting hurt.. and he thinks sometimes he looks for things, and jumps at shawdows that aren't there..

 

Slooowwww slowwwww sllloooowwwwww LOL I'm trying so hard here Barby

 

Crap!

[soccorsilly]

Notes from a fat middle aged divorced guy:

 

When I split, I was not looking for any relationships. NONE.

When I found them, being the selfish person that I am, I decided that any relationship going forward was to be on my terms. I would not tolerate jealousy, posessiveness, etc. I created my own little box of acceptability and sought out those who were mostly inside the box. If they were too far outside, I moved on.

 

I know it sounds selfish, but after a failed marraige, this made sense for me.

 

It sounds like your new man and I may be similar in that sense. He likes you and just wants to be sure you are cool with his life and independence outside of you.

 

You may be overanalyzing it a bit, but I would not worry. He is just making sure that your "fine" was really not a "fine" or god forbid even a "fine".

 

Happy New Year Merin!

[Barby]

Try not to over-try Sounds like you two are looking for the same problems from the other one...problems that aren't really there (most likely).

 

 

Taking things slow is a good thing but can be over-rated...I mean clearly you don't want to "rush" things but what are you to do when they kind of move forward quickly on their own?

 

 

I think you two will be okay....

[Merin]

Originally posted by soccorsilly

Notes from a fat middle aged divorced guy:

 

When I split, I was not looking for any relationships. NONE.

When I found them, being the selfish person that I am, I decided that any relationship going forward was to be on my terms. I would not tolerate jealousy, posessiveness, etc. I created my own little box of acceptability and sought out those who were mostly inside the box. If they were too far outside, I moved on.

 

I know it sounds selfish, but after a failed marraige, this made sense for me.

 

It sounds like your new man and I may be similar in that sense. He likes you and just wants to be sure you are cool with his life and independence outside of you.

 

You may be overanalyzing it a bit, but I would not worry. He is just making sure that your "fine" was really not a "fine" or god forbid even a "fine".

 

Happy New Year Merin!

 

Thanks Soccor;)

 

I like that.. not a "fine" or worse a "fine" LOL

 

I think you're right on the money.. he does like me, but yeah.. I do think he wants things on his terms of what he finds acceptable.. as do I..

 

I'll chill out and try not to over-think this..

 

Happy New Year back attcha

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Merin

He tells me he doesn't and would never cheat on me.. (yay for that!)

 

He will speak in the future.. about places and/or things he wants to do with me (good to go right?!) he seems to want to spend his time with me..

 

Again.. he told me yesterday he had never expected or planned on meeting anyone by the likes of me and how happy he is that he did.. so LOL yay for me! BUT.. OH CRAP! I'm over-analyzing?

 

 

yes you are overanalyzing but he is feeling you out here a bit.

 

much of the stuff he said above is pretty generic boiler-plate language that smart (and I stress the smart) men use to woo a particular female.

 

he sound like a good catch but only time will tell

[Merin]

Originally posted by Barby

Try not to over-try Sounds like you two are looking for the same problems from the other one...problems that aren't really there (most likely).

 

 

Taking things slow is a good thing but can be over-rated...I mean clearly you don't want to "rush" things but what are you to do when they kind of move forward quickly on their own?

 

 

I think you two will be okay....

 

LOL That is somewhat of the problem I think.. not that it's a "PROBLEM" God I'm speaking in doubles now!

 

Yeah slow is cool.. but yeah.. We've gotten really close in a short amount of time you know? Not because either is pushing for it, or was looking for it.. just natural progression and because we've both gone through some not so great past experiences.. we are both fearful to care "to much"

 

I think we'll be okay too.. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and trying to not make past mistakes again..

 

Thank you sweetie!

[Merin]

Originally posted by alphamale

yes you are overanalyzing but he is feeling you out here a bit.

 

much of the stuff he said above is pretty generic boiler-plate language that smart (and I stress the smart) men use to woo a particular female.

 

he sound like a good catch but only time will tell

 

Thanks Alpha

 

I think he is a good catch too.. and I know you're right, I'm over-thinking this here..

 

He hasn't done ANYTHING to indicate to me he is going to be an assclown.. LOL so yay for that!

It's good to get some Male perspectives here too.. so, thanks!

[Naive]

Maybe he says it unconsciously because of his past partner. Maybe he had a bad experience, she was too possessive and he has that in his head. Talk to him and let him know that you are not like that. After some time he'll see how you are and that you are not like other women that may have acted like that with him.

[Scott S]

I think you're overanalyzing a bit. I wonder if he is even aware of exactly how his reply was worded.

 

You both need to allow the time for the relationship to develop. You've both been through some bad experiences, & there are things that each of you are somewhat hyper-senstive about.

 

I would wager that he has similar feelings about this as you do (that is, the "ass-clown radar" is set on long range), he may wonder if he's only dreaming all this, & he wants the opportunity to sort his feelings out. This is something that you simply must allow to happen, & the best thing for you to do right now is simply to be a lovable person (And I KNOW you can do that! ).

 

Right now, you both are discovering each other. That will take some time. Gina & I continue to explore each other even now, & we've been together almost 10 years!

 

So be amazed, & enjoy this new relationship as it flowers.

 

Happy New Year, Merin!

[Merin]

Originally posted by Scott S

I think you're overanalyzing a bit. I wonder if he is even aware of exactly how his reply was worded.

 

You both need to allow the time for the relationship to develop. You've both been through some bad experiences, & there are things that each of you are somewhat hyper-senstive about.

 

I would wager that he has similar feelings about this as you do (that is, the "ass-clown radar" is set on long range), he may wonder if he's only dreaming all this, & he wants the opportunity to sort his feelings out. This is something that you simply must allow to happen, & the best thing for you to do right now is simply to be a lovable person (And I KNOW you can do that! ).

 

Right now, you both are discovering each other. That will take some time. Gina & I continue to explore each other even now, & we've been together almost 10 years!

 

So be amazed, & enjoy this new relationship as it flowers.

 

Happy New Year, Merin!

 

Thank you sweetie

 

Happy New Year back attcha!

 

I think you're right as well Scott.. we both have simular "fears" even if they are unreasonable.. LOL I cannot for the life of me understand why he would feel insecure about me or feel that I would sh*t on him.. because I think he is soooo amazing.. BUT I suppose he looks at me in the same perspective..

 

I don't want to repeat past mistakes in letting someone take advantage of me blah blah.. but I guess it's good that I've recognized things that went wrong in previous relationships and more than that I'm seeing that he ISN'T those other people that things went wrong with..

 

[Scott S]

Originally posted by Merin

Thank you sweetie

 

Happy New Year back attcha!

 

I think you're right as well Scott.. we both have simular "fears" even if they are unreasonable.. LOL I cannot for the life of me understand why he would feel insecure about me or feel that I would sh*t on him.. because I think he is soooo amazing.. BUT I suppose he looks at me in the same perspective..

 

I don't want to repeat past mistakes in letting someone take advantage of me blah blah.. but I guess it's good that I've recognized things that went wrong in previous relationships and more than that I'm seeing that he ISN'T those other people that things went wrong with..

 

 

So at least you recognize what you need to do & to not do. Good.

 

The “fears” are not necessarily unreasonable. It takes time to learn to trust again. Getting close to someone means making yourself vulnerable, something that may not be very appealing after having been hurt. I know that’s how I felt once.

 

I still need to remind myself that Gina is not my ex, she’s not the same type of person (aside from other things, she’s about 180 lbs lighter! ), & that ours is a different relationship with an entirely different basis. And there are issues she still struggles with, & she needs to remind herself that I’m not the same man as was in her previous relationships.

 

I believe that the reason we are so concerned about these issues is because we love each other, & with every fiber of our beings wish to avoid things that would hurt the other.

 

As you get to know each other more, the dialogue will come easier. As this happens, don’t miss an opportunity to discuss your feelings with each other. Good communication & respect for each other’s feelings will prevent 99.9999% of the problems that occur in a relationship.

 

Remember, sweet lady, that we're all behind you & cheering for you!!

___________________________________________

If you place a mime under arrest, do you still have to inform him of his right to remain silent?

[Merin]

Aagghhhh!!!!

 

So.. yeah my new guy.. wtf is up with this!

 

:Merin is now talking to herself:

 

Hmm.. is it just me? Do I have issues (okay YES I know I have issues!)

 

So he is moving all this week.. he sold his house and bought a new one.. yay for him!

 

BUT.. He closed on both houses on Tuesday.. all okay right? well uh... so he tells me that his ex wife (been seperated for 2 years divorced for 1) got "emotional" at the closing.. RED FLAG.. WHAT!? So we have this "discussion" I asked him if he was over her.. he says "Yes, BUT he has resentment.." um... crap!

 

So he came over Tuesday night.. he was sooooo sick! He got up at like 2 am throwing up until 4 or so... I was trying to "help" like the usual stuff right? Asking him if he wanted some water.. could I get him a blanket.. anything I can do? He was like NO there isn't... um.. okay.

 

So I have to work on Wed morning.. I get up take a shower the usual crap.. he wakes up mumbles that he is embarrased about being so sick.. I'm like damn it happens not an issue.. he has the flu so no big deal... I set the alarm for him for a couple hours later and go to work..

 

On the way to work I stopped and got him some med's and called him to meet me at my office so I could give them to him.. which he did.

 

Text him that day to see how the move was going.... no response... called him a few hours later.. he is kind of short.. so I tell him call me later.. he says okay then adds thanks for getting me meds today.. I said it wasn't a big deal hope he feels better.. he say okay later and hangs up! SOOOOO I hold myself from calling him back and telling him what a rude ass I thought he was for not waiting to hear me say bye....

 

He calls me last night at about 830 pm.. says he got a lot done and he is eating. asks if he can call me after he is done.. I said okay... so another hour passes.. I text him and say nite.. get one back saying his water heater wasn't lit or something.. says sleep well, good night and he will talk to me tomorrow (which would be today) I go to bed.

 

I text him this morning.. say hi.. hope he is feeling better blah blah.. he text me back later saying he is almost done and to call him later... so I call him a few hours later.. he says he is (again) almost done one of his boys is there to help him and he will call me later... that was at 1 pm today.. now it's after 7 pm and I haven't heard from him. I had told him I would come over and help him unpack.. he has never taken me up on that...

 

So I think tonite he has his kiddo's... BUT I STILL haven't met them...

 

I'm frustrated! I had told him straight up that I don't want to HAVE to commiserate IF he is into me or not.. and now.. here I am commiserating!!!!

 

This sucks!

 

Insight?

 

WTF is wrong with me!

[soccorsilly]

Nuttins wrong with you Merin! He is emotional over the sale of the house and toss in an illness and the emotions allcome over you. This is another final nail that whatever he had with his ex is over and cannot be again. It does sound like he may be carrying a torch for her to a degree as well. One year sounds like a lot but it is really not a long time. Hell, I have been divorced for 4 years and there is still resentment, so to expect it to be all better in this short of time is not too realistic.

 

I might suggest that you just say to him.."hey you either have a lot on your mind, or you are just not that into me, but I really do not want to live like this. So, why don't I just step back for a while, let you figgure out what you want, and then maybe we can talk about us a little more down the road."

 

It gives you the control and still lets him think he is in charge.

[Merin]

Originally posted by soccorsilly

Nuttins wrong with you Merin! He is emotional over the sale of the house and toss in an illness and the emotions allcome over you. This is another final nail that whatever he had with his ex is over and cannot be again. It does sound like he may be carrying a torch for her to a degree as well. One year sounds like a lot but it is really not a long time. Hell, I have been divorced for 4 years and there is still resentment, so to expect it to be all better in this short of time is not too realistic.

 

I might suggest that you just say to him.."hey you either have a lot on your mind, or you are just not that into me, but I really do not want to live like this. So, why don't I just step back for a while, let you figgure out what you want, and then maybe we can talk about us a little more down the road."

 

It gives you the control and still lets him think he is in charge.

 

Thanks Soccor...

 

You are probably right about everything... I just wonder how I manage to ALWAYS find myself in these situations..

I have told him IF he want's/needs time to figure out what he's doing then he should do so... because I'm not down for being second choice or carrying around baggage on a constant basis.

 

He said.. no that wasn't it.. blah blah.. but it seems what he has told me isn't matching what he is showing me..

 

I've tried to be as upfront with him as I can without being a jackass you know? AND I've for real held back when I felt like asking him straight up WTF is wrong with him seriously!

 

Now I feel.. insecure, stupid.. and like giving up here..

 

Made me feel better though that you think I'm okay Soccor.. thanks

 

BTW Soccor, I may tell him exactly what you said.. either he has a lot on his mind (that he's not sharing the ****er!) OR he isn't into me.. so time for Merin to step back.. put on the game face and move on

[Merin]

This day sucks!

 

So last night at 10 p.m I still hadn't heard from him... I text him said sorry if I had wasted his time...

 

So he text me back at 11 p.m said he had just found his phone... I text him back and asked if I had done or said something wrong.. he called me.

 

Asked me if I was mad... I said I just hadn't understood why he hadn't returned my call since 1 p.m.. 10 hours later right? Told him I understood he was busy.. but yeah I had expected a courtesy call back...

 

So he said "I lost my phone, If you don't buy that or want to believe that I don't f**king care!" um... what!

So I said "Wow.. okay.. you know what, I'll let you go, have a good night" he follows up with "Yeah, wow.. see ya!"

 

That was it.. no sleep for me!

 

So I text him about 45 minutes ago now and said I'm sorry if you're still mad, hope things are better for you today... only to get the big fat nada! yay for me! crap!

 

So now I'm thinking.... the chances of us talking again are slim to none........ I won't attempt to contact him again. I feel like I'm saying sorry when I haven't done nothing wrong

 

 

Bah!

[Barby]

So he said "I lost my phone, If you don't buy that or want to believe that I don't f**king care!" um... what!

 

Merin I'm sooooooooooooooo sorry! What an ass! And here everyone thought he had so much hope! WTF is wrong with these guys, you seem like such a nice girl, you're "together" pretty, stable, and seem to be loving/giving and not a user! WHAT ELSE could he want??!!!

 

 

I don't want to say this but I couldn't "NOT' say it either...have you entertained the possibility that he's rekindling with the ex and maybe actually buying a house with her? I doubt it since you said you spent time at his house but maybe she was out of town on business? (Just a thought, even though it's probably not true, just something to question...?)

 

 

Girl I wouldn't contact him either, just let things cool down and see if he contacts you...what a freaking a$s! I hope things get better, always gotta take the sweet with the bitter.

[Naive]

Oh Merin, he seemed like a nice guy from what you told us and he cannot blame it on PMS like us!!!! No really though, at least it's good that you are finding out now what his attitude is all about rather than 1 year from now when you are deeply in love.

 

Chin up baby-girl. I am sure that things will get better.

[Mary3]

I think he is not 100% emotionally stable for a new relationship ....

 

I think he still is trying to heal from his marraige..

 

He needs time for sure....to figure out where he is going in life.

 

You have been the giver here....giving ...giving...being good....now may I suggest taking a step back and breathing.....if this guy is truly an A**horse ( I cant remember the word you guys used lol ) if he is...then let him be....

 

If he is just adjusting and is not quite ready to dig deep into your relationship then maybe a breather for both of you is in order.

 

I think his disrepecting comment to you ( the $%## ing ** ) calls for a temporary NC

[Merin]

Thanks you guys...

 

I'm disappointed too... he hasn't contacted me... so yeah I deleted his number outta my phone and what else can I do...

 

Regarding his ex wife.. they have been seperated for 2 years and divorced for 1... I'm not the first person he's been in a "relationship" with since his break up... so I can't say it's rebound on his part.. more like assclown and he has A LOT of issues.

 

His wife is the one who wanted the divorce... so yeah.. whatever...

 

Anyway... my Dad's advice to me... IGNORE him LOL good ol dad! There is nothing else to be done you know? I tried... it didn't work... so I give up.

 

At least I walk away knowing I didn't do anything wrong here.... My Dad (of course lol) thinks he will call me eventually... but honestly if this is who he is and how he wants to be.. he may as well not.

[Mary3]

A Man with Issues is to be AVOIDED whether it be trust issues...ex wife issues.....avoid him like the plague !

 

Because you can't fix his screwed up head

[Barby]

At least I walk away knowing I didn't do anything wrong here.... My Dad (of course lol) thinks he will call me eventually... but honestly if this is who he is and how he wants to be.. he may as well not.

 

 

Good way of thinking, I'm so sorry Merin, maybe there will be an explanation (hey we can hope right) Hahaha! Girl I'm here for ya and you know you and your little peeps deserve better!

[Merin]

Originally posted by Barby

Good way of thinking, I'm so sorry Merin, maybe there will be an explanation (hey we can hope right) Hahaha! Girl I'm here for ya and you know you and your little peeps deserve better!

 

Thanks girly!

 

So I talked to my guy yesterday... I went to his new house and we had a good talk.

 

It seems from what he said and what I've been feeling that we had a miscommunication.. we were both unhappy and stressed so I guess that played into things.

 

He told me that he never wanted me to feel the way I did.. that no matter what we would work things out.. but it's funny because I had told him before that I'm not one who can let things go without knowing where I stand.. I can't sit and wait on it.. and he had told me that he is the type who needs time alone to think... so yeah.

 

Anyway.. he told me that it had scared him at the emotion (for lack of a better word) that I could inspire in him.. especially since we've only been together for a month.. he said he is scared of what he is feeling.. that he hasn't felt this way in a long time... I told him that to me it seemed sometimes that he's already made up his mind (not unlike myself) that something bad is going to happen between us.. and if this doesn't stop (on both our parts) that we are going to fulfill our own phrophcy... he agreed.

 

I asked him what I could do to make this better for him.. he said spending time with me makes him better... so that was nice to hear.

 

We hung out and I helped him get his house in some order... LOL girl stuff I guess... he told me that he is going to go shopping soon for house stuff he called it... I said like what? He said "You know girl sh*t.. some stuff like you have at your house.. and I could use some new towels.." then he said "and when I go shopping, your coming with me" so again.. LOL I take that as a good thing.

 

Stayed over with him last night.. and although we were just putting things away at his house... It was good just spending time with him. We got up today.. chilled for awhile.. then he went riding his motorcycle with one of his buddies...

 

He just called me about 20 minutes or so ago.. he was upbeat.. happy.. said how much he had appreciated me helping him yesterday.. that he was going to cook for his wee peeps then call me after they had gone to bed...

 

Soooooo what do you guys think?

 

I'm trying so hard here to change my habits.. resolve MY own issues...

 

It's also funny and noteworthy that he asked me yesterday if he had been "crowned assclown for the day" LOL I said.. well yeah in a way you did for that moment... but I still like you sooo much

 

:Merin feels better:

 

Thanks you guys for letting me "air" MY issues.. loves you guys!

[Mary3]

Its quite obvious this man cares about you and I am very happy for both of you ....It seems he is very aware of his feelings and wants to take it slowly,.....You are both blessed !

 

Good Luck