Weightlesswings Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Me and my boyfriend of ten months just broke up because he basically told me I don't like him smoking and he doesn't want to marry me, get a house or have children with me because he'd rather be a stoner. I dated him knowing he smoked and I didn't care as long as he didn't put it before me or smoke in front of me, but then it progressively got worse and caused so many problems (lost his job, kicked out of home and his family wanted nothing to do with him). He always tells me he is going to quit and I've never told him to stop myself but when he says he wants to quit I support him. Recently after saying he quit he started again because he had a bad day so I told him I do not want to see you if you're stoned to give him the incentive to actually want to quit. Because of this he broke up with me because he doesn't need another mother. But it affects me too he could lose his job again (fail a drug test or rock up stoned) and he could lose his licence. He doesn't understand why I care so much!!! I told him if we break up I can't be friends because I need to get over him and being friends with an ex you still love just doesn't work and he got so angry at me because of this and said "you can't just delete me out of your life". I know when everything goes wrong for him he will come crawling back to me but I'm never strong enough to tell him no. I don't know what to do
LadyM Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 So he doesn't need another mother. He lost his job. His family will have nothing to do with him. Won't stop getting high. And you're not strong enough to tell him "no?" Really???? Is this the man of your dreams, that you want to have children with, plan a future with? You really think you can't do better than him? Really??? You are WAY strong enough to tell him "NO!!" 2
headinthecloud Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 You have some real self esteem issues. They say we settle for the love we think we deserve. While you do have self respect, why would you risk your happiness for someone who clearly doesnt value people or social structure? His behaviour is immature and careless and only once he's lost it will he start to regret his actions. You deserve someone who shares your values and respects himself just as you respect yourself. Please go NC and leave him. You deserve so much more. You will miss him but you're incompatible so it's best to move on. Any man who says "I don't need another mother" does not respect you. Without trust and respect there is nothing. 1
Haydn Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 This guy is poison to you. Get rid of him! Ignore him and delete him from your life. He is taking advantage of your nice nature and there is nothing wrong with having a nice nature, have one myself and got stamped on! So read more posts here and i think you will do the right thing. Take care. 2
Author Weightlesswings Posted December 14, 2013 Author Posted December 14, 2013 It's just so hard to let go of someone you love so much just because drugs got the best of them.
Qactus Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 you have to be strong! just trust yourself. You have a reason to live this life. He is truely making you suffer by his own useless ****. Please try to be strong. You have soo many friends. We are here for you. You can share with us. You really need to come out of this. REMEMBER: this time wont come back. THis age of yours.. this time, this place. It wont come back. Make best use of this and try to move forward and be strong. If he really needs you, I promise he would come back but thats his problem! You need to move forward.
Author Weightlesswings Posted December 14, 2013 Author Posted December 14, 2013 you have to be strong! just trust yourself. You have a reason to live this life. He is truely making you suffer by his own useless ****. Please try to be strong. You have soo many friends. We are here for you. You can share with us. You really need to come out of this. REMEMBER: this time wont come back. THis age of yours.. this time, this place. It wont come back. Make best use of this and try to move forward and be strong. If he really needs you, I promise he would come back but thats his problem! You need to move forward. But the thing is I honestly don't have any friends left. I have one best friend who I hang out with but she's always with her boyfriend. I gave up everything for this guy and I'm so stupid for doing so. That's why I'm so attached. I even had a miscarriage with him. I don't know what to do. I just went out and had to go home because I couldn't help but cry. I don't know where to even meet new guys.
Going4it Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 You are never going to be able to have a healthy relationship with him while he is on drugs. And you know that if he does come back, things will only get worse, not better. What do you love so much about him? Not the way he was before, but the way he is now? You certainly can't love the way he treats you or the way he treats himself. Sometimes you reach a point where you just have to force yourself to be strong whether you are a "strong person" or not. Cutting ties with him is hard but it is best for you. It won't be easy because he, like a lot of addicts, will most likely try to manipulate your feelings of guilt. You can never change someone else, and he is nowhere near ready to change himself. If you try to hang on to a past that isn't there anymore, you are only going to end up hurt worse than you are now.
Author Weightlesswings Posted December 14, 2013 Author Posted December 14, 2013 You are never going to be able to have a healthy relationship with him while he is on drugs. And you know that if he does come back, things will only get worse, not better. What do you love so much about him? Not the way he was before, but the way he is now? You certainly can't love the way he treats you or the way he treats himself. Sometimes you reach a point where you just have to force yourself to be strong whether you are a "strong person" or not. Cutting ties with him is hard but it is best for you. It won't be easy because he, like a lot of addicts, will most likely try to manipulate your feelings of guilt. You can never change someone else, and he is nowhere near ready to change himself. If you try to hang on to a past that isn't there anymore, you are only going to end up hurt worse than you are now. I know I couldn't change him and I never told him to change it just hurts more that he would give up a good girl for a stupid lifestyle. He basically broke up with me because I tried my best to support him whenever he tried to quit weed.
Author Weightlesswings Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 He's already talking to girls and going out and hooking up and moving on. I can't handle to think that I put so much effort and love into the relationship on my behalf and he took it all for granted and I obviously didn't mean **** to him if he's already moving on the day after we broke up. That's disgusting to me and I feel so upset and sick to my stomach. What does he want out of a relationship? A girl who smokes pot 24/7? I hope to god they wouldn't have children.
Mariposa10 Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 He's already talking to girls and going out and hooking up and moving on. I can't handle to think that I put so much effort and love into the relationship on my behalf and he took it all for granted and I obviously didn't mean **** to him if he's already moving on the day after we broke up. That's disgusting to me and I feel so upset and sick to my stomach. What does he want out of a relationship? A girl who smokes pot 24/7? I hope to god they wouldn't have children. I don't know if he wants a girl like that, but that would probably be a better match. I dated someone who was a functional pot smoker for a long time. He never treated me badly, but was never to give me the relationship I wanted. It was soooo sad, people like this usually have problems that they are not dealing with. I don't smoke at all, so it was really hard for me. I always wondered why he wanted me to be his gf if we were so different. Why not just look for someone who smokes 24/7? Do you smoke? anyway, it doesn't really matter. He's been really nasty and mean to you, so use this to your advantage. Use this to be stronger, you deserve something better than this and you'll get it.
Author Weightlesswings Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 I don't know if he wants a girl like that, but that would probably be a better match. I dated someone who was a functional pot smoker for a long time. He never treated me badly, but was never to give me the relationship I wanted. It was soooo sad, people like this usually have problems that they are not dealing with. I don't smoke at all, so it was really hard for me. I always wondered why he wanted me to be his gf if we were so different. Why not just look for someone who smokes 24/7? Do you smoke? anyway, it doesn't really matter. He's been really nasty and mean to you, so use this to your advantage. Use this to be stronger, you deserve something better than this and you'll get it. No I don't smoke and I'm actually studying to be a substance abuse counsellor ahaha. I hate all drugs. But when I met him I knew he smoked but I didn't know how bad it could get. He smokes 530 in the morning before work... That's disgusting and he works with machinery. He smokes whenever he can. But I always believed him when he said he wanted to stop. I just know it's over for good this time but in the back of my mind I'm so scared he will come crawling back when everything goes wrong for him.
JDPT Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Right, people usually numb their issues and find refuge in addiction essentially running away from the truth. This simply prolongs the inevitable hinder the chances of growh and overcoming traumatic issues. I'm learning to deal and come to terms with my issues through professional assistance, it works out much better to face your face as they say rather than run away from them.
Author Weightlesswings Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 how old are yall? I'm 22 and he's 21. I also lived with him and his mum.
serenity_plus Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 i know alot of people who smoke weed. its pretty common nowadays. but if hes losing his job and what not its def a problem. you need to be tough with him and play hard to get. hell get the message if he wants to grow up. if not your SOL
Author Weightlesswings Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 i know alot of people who smoke weed. its pretty common nowadays. but if hes losing his job and what not its def a problem. you need to be tough with him and play hard to get. hell get the message if he wants to grow up. if not your SOL But the thing is he said he wokld rather be a stoner for the rest of his life. He doesn't see how it's ruining everything and it breaks my heart. 1
Mariposa10 Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 But the thing is he said he wokld rather be a stoner for the rest of his life. He doesn't see how it's ruining everything and it breaks my heart. I know it hurts, but we have to let thrm suffer the consequences of their actions.
Author Weightlesswings Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 I know it hurts, but we have to let thrm suffer the consequences of their actions. But I moved states for this guy. I have to move back home now. I planned my whole life with this guy and until I can get back home I'm completely alone. I lost a lot of friends because of him too.
serenity_plus Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 your still very young. you should go back home and go back to school.
Author Weightlesswings Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 your still very young. you should go back home and go back to school. I transferred school to here. And got a job here.
Author Weightlesswings Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 I also really regret telling him I didn't want to be friends with him.
Author Weightlesswings Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 OP, you can't be friends with this guy. He's toxic. You can make new friends. Check out your new city, i'm sure there's plenty of opportunities. But you need to ditch this bloke. He can't look after himself, let alone contribute to a relationship. Whatever his demons, he has to deal with them on his own. You can't fix what is broken, only he can. But he doesn't want to fix anything and that's why I'm 100% done this time but I just can't sit back and watch someone ruin their life.
derfsangel Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 WW... I have been in your shoes when I was younger! It sounds to me as though you're a classic co-dependent. You long to wait, to fix him... you wait for him to fix himself, for him to wake up one day and just realize that drugs are ruining his life. His addiction is the drug... yours is HIM and his well-being. Do yourself a favor. Promise yourself that each day, you'll take baby steps to recover from this loss. Not everyone can just get up and go to the gym or go shopping. I know, I've been in the house for 3.5 months taking baby steps myself. I read... read more... read until my head felt too full. A milestone for me, at first, was being able to go do the groceries without crying, or going to the movies with a friend. I'm still recovering from a major heart break but I'm determined to not give up, to not respond to his toxic bread crumbs. It takes so much strength and every once of courage to do this. Come to the boards, read threads, work on your own recovery and celebrate each little baby step you successfully pass. One thing I've learned is that healing takes time for some of us while others just seem to breeze through hardships and heart breaks. Take the time you need but put the focus on yourself instead of on him. Yes, you love him... but don't let him bring you down with his sinking ship!
Author Weightlesswings Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 I'm starting to accept that he's bad for me but I'm just so attached and I hate myself because of it. I'm honestly just waiting for the day he comes crawling back to me because everyone thinks it will happen because this is not the first time and it's just making me angry.
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