Ap22 Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 I have been obsessed with reading others stories about infidelity ever since I found myself in the position of being a BS. I've read all the horror stories, the failures, the successes, everything. I came across an interesting story about a BS and it really struck me. They had been married for a number of years and the wife ended up having an affair. When her husband found out, he simply forgave her and said never to speak of it again. Whats done was done and no amount of grieving will change that. Of course he told her if she didnt correct her issues, he would be gone, but other than that, he simply took it and moved on. It struck a chord with me because I feel I have been taking the news of my wifes affair extremely well. Its only been a little under a month since I found out and its taking everything I have to control my emotions, but I do control them. I am angry or sad when I want to be angry or sad because sometimes I feel I should be that way. Now I have decided to stay and try to save this marriage. My wife has been extremely remorseful and shes done everything you would want a WS to do. This morning, I woke up and looked in the mirror and saw how horrible I looked. The stress has taken a toll on my body already. Bags under the eyes and even a wrinkle I'd never seen before. Unexplained pains on my body and lots of fatigue. I've had it with this. I made a thread on here about the feeling of letting my wife get off to easy which contradicts what I'm saying here....but, I made up my mind to reconcile with her so I'm getting over this. I'm not going to live my life in anger or sadness over something I cant change. This guy kind of inspired me. Its done, cant change the past, move on and let it go. That being said, this has changed me to my core, hopefully for the better. I'm giving her a second chance. There will not be a third. If she does not become the wife I want, I will divorce her without hesitation. I will not tolerate any of her past behaviors and I can leave her knowing I did all I could. What good is it doing being pissed off at the world, pissed off at her, pissed off at God, whatever? What good is keeping all this stress inside me doing? All its doing is damaging my health and my body....and for what? Now, I dont know what the future holds, and I may just be blowing smoke out of my butt.....who knows. Everyone is different and we all have to do what we think is the best course of action for ourselves. I'm sure many people will have different views on the man in that story. Some will see weakness, some will see stupidity, etc. I saw something different that inspired me. I saw a man take one of the hardest punches life could ever hit you with and he took it in the chin without faltering. Reading that story and then seeing the toll that the 3.5 weeks of stress has already done to me, something just snapped. Just to be clear. This isnt forgiveness, it isnt sweeping it under the rug, and I'm not forgetting. I'm just not going to literally damage myself just because of what happened. Its done. All the pain and stress I cause myself will not change that fact. One thing about me is that I've always dealt with hardships with defiance. "F- you life, I'm still standing....king kong aint got sh-t on me!" ---thats been my attitude throughout my crappy life. I mean I've been through so much emotional trauma in my life, and I've gone through it pretty much alone, that a lesser person would have put a bullet through their brain years ago. Defiance. Thats what its always been for me. There were times in my past where I was knocked down by life and had absolutely no reason to get back up. This defiance in me wouldnt allow me to stay down. Thats the feeling I have now dealing with this. I dont know why I keep getting back up, but I do. Something inside me will not allow me to quit. I'm not doing this to myself anymore. Its done. This marriage will either work or it wont. I'm just not going to sit here and let stress, pain, and anger run my life and eat me up inside. My wife knows she doesnt deserve me. A man like me doesnt come around every day. She knows she will never do any where close to better than me (and judging by the spineless coward she had an affair with, she is playing way out of her league with me...i dont give a damn how pretty she is). She should thank her lucky stars she still has me and she better spend the rest of her life showing me how much she says she loves me. Nobody will bring me down, not even my wife. Sorry for the rant. For some reason, the guy in the story just inspired me to write.
confusedandhurt2002 Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Curious....will you be reminding her everyday that you are better than her, could never make a mistake like her and dammit she'd better appreciate how awesome you are? If that is the case, I feel like she might should cut out now and work on moving past her mistakes in life because otherwise she's doomed to a life of being reminded she's **** on your shoe. My wife knows she doesnt deserve me. A man like me doesnt come around every day. She knows she will never do any where close to better than me (and judging by the spineless coward she had an affair with, she is playing way out of her league with me...i dont give a damn how pretty she is). She should thank her lucky stars she still has me and she better spend the rest of her life showing me how much she says she loves me. Nobody will bring me down, not even my wife. Sorry for the rant. For some reason, the guy in the story just inspired me to write. 3
confusedandhurt2002 Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Otherwise I agree about not letting it make you pissed off at life. I just don't plan to tell my husband what a piece of **** he is for cheating on me for the rest of our life together. Pride goes before a fall. 1
Author Ap22 Posted December 13, 2013 Author Posted December 13, 2013 (edited) Curious....will you be reminding her everyday that you are better than her, could never make a mistake like her and dammit she'd better appreciate how awesome you are? If that is the case, I feel like she might should cut out now and work on moving past her mistakes in life because otherwise she's doomed to a life of being reminded she's **** on your shoe. You know. When a spouse cheats on a person who has been a great husband/wife for no other reason other than pure selfishness, then hell yeah I'm going to say that person doesnt deserve the faithful spouse. You're going to sit here and try to tell me otherwise? Also, you're right, I would never make a mistake like her. No way in hell would I ever cheat on my wife and you're damn right, she better appreciate what she has. We're in this position because she didnt appreciate what she had and she had to go to the brink of losing everything before realizing what she had. Now, all this "not deserving" talk is talking about the person she was, not the person she says she wants to be. No, I'm not going to throw it in her face that I think I'm better than her. I want her to be a better person and this reconciliation is about building both of us back up to where we do deserve each other. Its not about keeping her down for her mistakes. Edited December 13, 2013 by Ap22 4
Betrayed&Stayed Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Best of luck. Just keep in mind that those emotions need to be dealt with. Either you express them outwardly or you internalize them. When such strong emotions are internalized, they will manifest in other ways. 5
jm2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 I give you respect for sticking it out. My wife cheated on me and I was a basket case of emotions at first. It's been a couple months but my situation may be a little different. I have been playing PI a lot and unravel lies at least once every couple of weeks. Just be careful. Once a spouse cheats it seems like most will keep many things hidden. For me, I can't do it. At first I thought I could then got betrayed a couple more times knowing she had contact with the OM. So for me, I think I'm pretty much done in my marriage. And I went from sadness to anger to disgust. I'm just disgusted. I still love my wife though. It's like it is morphing into a different kind of love. I still want to make sure my wife is taken care of but have no desire to stay in my marriage. I personally can't live a life of stress always wondering if she'll betray me again or is still randomly talking to and banging this other guy. Good luck man stay strong. 1
BetrayedH Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 My first instinct is to say that you cannot go around, under, or over an affair; you must go through it. Men are (generally) fixers and so it's common to defer anger and focus on the task of fixing this problem. We think that defiance (E.g. Choking down our emotions) is a way to fix this problem. I believe that on a subconscious level, we're also very afraid in the first weeks and months after Dday (of losing our spouse, our family, everything we've prioritized and built in life) and with your wife obviously having at least one foot out the door, we're afraid to show anger lest she take the other foot out the door as well. This reinforces the desire to "get over it." It's normal for it to take 6+ months for anger to really surface, after we start to feel safe. Many reconciled couples say the second year was harder than the first. Is that intimidating or what? But here's the problem...this is not really your problem to fix. It's hers. As you read in another thread, her decision to cheat wasn't logical, healthy, or ethical; it was unfair, destructive, and solved nothing. So why the hell did she make that choice? In my view, something was broken within her. Typically it relates to an excessive need for external validation, severe conflict-avoidance, and/or an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. Many of these things stem from childhood or our family of origin. Something steered her in that direction. She has to own it but if she understands why she chose such a poor coping mechanism then she might be better apt to avoid using it again in the future and THAT is key to you feeling that you won't suffer a repeat performance. THAT will reduce your anxiety and stress. Individual counseling, talking to you about it, and backing it up with actions will help you immensely. The guy that says to "never discuss it again" has no such benefit. If anything, I suspect that he will suffer unresolved resentment for a much longer period, despite his best efforts to choke it down. But I do think it's good to think heavily on forgiveness. If your wife does the introspection, learns from her mistakes, and makes great changes, then perhaps she's not unforgiveable for having been a broken person. Hell, she clearly wasn't even in a good state of mind to choose a great affair-partner. I have long felt that it takes two things to reconcile: (1) A truly remorseful wayward spouse and (2) A truly forgiving betrayed spouse. Unfortunately, #2 cannot come before #1. You have to wait; you have to trust but verify. But, you do have to check within yourself to see if that forgiveness is possible. For what it's worth, I think your chosen path is ok. She appears truly remorseful and you are trying to see if you can forgive. The problem is that you're 3 1/2 weeks into a multi-year effort. Pace yourself. It's a marathon. Process your emotions. Talk things out. Keep rage to a minimum and let your wife do the work. In the meantime, do your part in rebuilding the marriage as well. Give her hope that if she does her part, she has a good future ahead of her with you and that she won't be in permanent jail. Truly remorseful waywards can take a lot but the one thing they need is a light at the end of the tunnel that isn't a train. 6
Author Ap22 Posted December 13, 2013 Author Posted December 13, 2013 Best of luck. Just keep in mind that those emotions need to be dealt with. Either you express them outwardly or you internalize them. When such strong emotions are internalized, they will manifest in other ways. I'm wired differently than most people. I've been through hell and back so many times in my life, it really is a miracle I've never had a gun in my mouth. I've always internalized negative emotions. At this point, they fuel me. They keep me going. Seriously, the numbness and shock I felt the day I found out....i thought that was it. I thought I had finally made it to a place of happiness but life decided to kick my ass again and rip everything away from me. There is just that defiance in me that doesnt let me stay down at all. All the negative emotions just fuel that defiance. I cant explain it. I'm just wired differently than anyone I know. I give you respect for sticking it out. My wife cheated on me and I was a basket case of emotions at first. It's been a couple months but my situation may be a little different. I have been playing PI a lot and unravel lies at least once every couple of weeks. Just be careful. Once a spouse cheats it seems like most will keep many things hidden. For me, I can't do it. At first I thought I could then got betrayed a couple more times knowing she had contact with the OM. So for me, I think I'm pretty much done in my marriage. And I went from sadness to anger to disgust. I'm just disgusted. I still love my wife though. It's like it is morphing into a different kind of love. I still want to make sure my wife is taken care of but have no desire to stay in my marriage. I personally can't live a life of stress always wondering if she'll betray me again or is still randomly talking to and banging this other guy. Good luck man stay strong I cant live a life like that either. Thats why I'm having this epiphany. I'm pretty much like "F- it!" If shes going to screw this up again, no amount of stressing or anger is going to change that. Let her bang whoever she wants if she wants to. Point is, I've made my peace. I'll be fine no matter the outcome. Luckily for me, she has done everything right. She is an open book and the OM is not an issue at all. I'm working on a full R with her and I hope it goes well. If it doesnt, and she screws it up, well then she'll be kicked to the curb and I'll still be standing strong. 4
Author Ap22 Posted December 13, 2013 Author Posted December 13, 2013 But here's the problem...this is not really your problem to fix. It's hers. As you read in another thread, her decision to cheat wasn't logical, healthy, or ethical; it was unfair, destructive, and solved nothing. So why the hell did she make that choice? In my view, something was broken within her. Typically it relates to an excessive need for external validation, severe conflict-avoidance, and/or an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. Many of these things stem from childhood or our family of origin. I know its her issues and her problem to fix. She was broken and it probably did come from childhood. She absolutely had a need for external validation. I always hated that she felt that way. Her self worth was always dependent on what others thought of her. Also, she was very self entitled. Everything was about her. Hell, our trip to Disneyworld was about her, not our 4 year old who lives and breathes Disney princesses. Case in point, my daughter loved Its a Small World. My wife went on it once, never wanted to go on again. I took my daughter on that ride 7 times and loved every second. She didnt care that my daughter loved it...she didnt love it and thats all that mattered. I have long felt that it takes two things to reconcile: (1) A truly remorseful wayward spouse and (2) A truly forgiving betrayed spouse. Unfortunately, #2 cannot come before #1. You have to wait; you have to trust but verify. But, you do have to check within yourself to see if that forgiveness is possible. Everything she has shown me so far tells me she is extremely remorseful. Sometimes I feel she is taking it harder than I am. I can forgive, but I will never forget. Talk things out. Keep rage to a minimum and let your wife do the work. In the meantime, do your part in rebuilding the marriage as well. Give her hope that if she does her part, she has a good future ahead of her with you and that she won't be in permanent jail. Truly remorseful waywards can take a lot but the one thing they need is a light at the end of the tunnel that isn't a train. This is what I do. I've put aside negativity and focused on getting us back to good. I've told her that if she really is the woman she is being now, we will be good again. I told her the woman/wife she is being now is worth fighting for. The woman she was isnt. She tells me she is so scared one day I will come home and just leave her because I changed my mind. I tell her I am not leaving unless she gives me reason to leave. Whats done is done and I've accepted it. The light at the end of the tunnel is strictly in her hands. Its hers to lose. 6
confusedandhurt2002 Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 You have a couple good points, actually. I think it's good you have a healthy self esteem. Ijust don't want it too healthy. My husband's was both crap and healthy and that's what made him arrogant enough to think he coud do what he wanted and make a fool out of me. My concern for you is bitterness that could lead you to say: "She did this to me and I'm an awesome guy so screw her if I do the same. " Trust me...I would totally understand if you do feel that way because had that thought briefly when I was hit on by a married man right after I kicked my husband out. This is a great way to get these feelings out so I think it is good that you've shared here. Really? I can relate to it and thanks for clarifying You know. When a spouse cheats on a person who has been a great husband/wife for no other reason other than pure selfishness, then hell yeah I'm going to say that person doesnt deserve the faithful spouse. You're going to sit here and try to tell me otherwise? Also, you're right, I would never make a mistake like her. No way in hell would I ever cheat on my wife and you're damn right, she better appreciate what she has. We're in this position because she didnt appreciate what she had and she had to go to the brink of losing everything before realizing what she had. Now, all this "not deserving" talk is talking about the person she was, not the person she says she wants to be. No, I'm not going to throw it in her face that I think I'm better than her. I want her to be a better person and this reconciliation is about building both of us back up to where we do deserve each other. Its not about keeping her down for her mistakes.
jm2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 I gotta ask you guys. Do you all have triggers? I mean you forgave what happened so naturally you'd probably not want to bring it up again in your marriage unless it had to be brought up. But a couple weeks ago I was watching a movie at home and my wife comes to sit on the couch. Coincidentally the movie was crazy stupid love with Steve Carell. I've never seen it before but his wife has an affair on him he gangs about 10 women but ends up back with his wife. I don't even know why I continued to watch the movie but I noticed at times my wife peering over at me through certain points. It was awkward and definitely brought back lots of feelings I went through. I can only think moving forward this would happen often but have to be suppressed constantly.
Fluttershy Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 The problem with these forums is that their is an expectation that ALL people react the same way to infidelity. And if someone reqcts different to it they are offering cheap forgiveness or having an affair of their own or have low morals. Or are in denial. But the thing is while most people who end up here are destroyed there are people who are hurt but who aren't that shaken. They react like the story you told. And that is okay an acceptable because it is who they are. Usually they are quite confident people who don't care if others disagree with their descision so when people accuse them the denial or whatver they just smile and keep on because they know the truth of their situation. Cheap forgiveness isn't people who don't rant or rave or punish their wayward. Cheap forgiveness is those stories you say where the spouse is trying to desperately love their spouse back while their spouse is making no effort to reconcile. if the the wayward is doing everything they possibly can and te BS is like the man you described... Who are we to judge? About the forgetting. It is usually not meant as actual forgetting like you can't remember your spouse cheated on you... Obviously nobody can do that. It is usually to give the idea that "you cheated" one day won't be at the forefront of your mind. Some people feel they will never get to that place. But they are limiting themselves by having a defeatist attitude. If you stop picking a wound it will eventually heal. Yes their is a scar but the scar gets "forgotten" unless you keep dwelling on it. 1
Author Ap22 Posted December 13, 2013 Author Posted December 13, 2013 I gotta ask you guys. Do you all have triggers? I mean you forgave what happened so naturally you'd probably not want to bring it up again in your marriage unless it had to be brought up. But a couple weeks ago I was watching a movie at home and my wife comes to sit on the couch. Coincidentally the movie was crazy stupid love with Steve Carell. I've never seen it before but his wife has an affair on him he gangs about 10 women but ends up back with his wife. I don't even know why I continued to watch the movie but I noticed at times my wife peering over at me through certain points. It was awkward and definitely brought back lots of feelings I went through. I can only think moving forward this would happen often but have to be suppressed constantly. Of course we have triggers. Hell, I've had so many this morning already. If I see a picture, video, whatever a man and woman being intimate, i picture my wife and the OM. So many things trigger me..... Heres the thing. Its your choice how you deal with them. If I follow the white rabbit and dwell on those triggers, it kills me inside. If I dwell, the anger and hatred overtakes me and that does me no good. You have a choice to crush or follow the trigger. I crush them as soon as I get them. I'm not going down that path. Its hard as hell but its a conscious choice to dwell on them.
Author Ap22 Posted December 13, 2013 Author Posted December 13, 2013 (edited) You have a couple good points, actually. I think it's good you have a healthy self esteem. Ijust don't want it too healthy. My husband's was both crap and healthy and that's what made him arrogant enough to think he coud do what he wanted and make a fool out of me. My concern for you is bitterness that could lead you to say: "She did this to me and I'm an awesome guy so screw her if I do the same. " Trust me...I would totally understand if you do feel that way because had that thought briefly when I was hit on by a married man right after I kicked my husband out. This is a great way to get these feelings out so I think it is good that you've shared here. Really? I can relate to it and thanks for clarifying I'm not arrogant and I dont want to make a fool out of my wife. I want us to build each other back up and hopefully live my life with her to the end. I have no interest in getting revenge on her. Again, I would never cheat on her because thats not how I work. Plus, cheating on her would also be cheating on my children - that will never happen. Ever. I may have come off brash, but its the way I feel. She has to earn my trust again. She has to prove to me she loves me. I spent the past 8 years proving to her I loved her. Proving to her that I trusted her and she could trust me. I spent the past 8 years giving her the best I've ever given someone. Its time for her to do the same. If she doesnt, I'm fully prepared to divorce her. I hope she does come through for me. Its the reason I'm here. Edited December 13, 2013 by Ap22 3
Chi townD Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 This morning, I woke up and looked in the mirror and saw how horrible I looked. The stress has taken a toll on my body already. Bags under the eyes and even a wrinkle I'd never seen before. Unexplained pains on my body and lots of fatigue. I've had it with this. Just to be clear. This isnt forgiveness, it isnt sweeping it under the rug, and I'm not forgetting. I'm just not going to literally damage myself just because of what happened. Its done. All the pain and stress I cause myself will not change that fact. One thing about me is that I've always dealt with hardships with defiance. "F- you life, I'm still standing....king kong aint got sh-t on me!" ---thats been my attitude throughout my crappy life. I mean I've been through so much emotional trauma in my life, and I've gone through it pretty much alone, that a lesser person would have put a bullet through their brain years ago. But what you're suggesting is exactly that! Rug sweeping. You're adopting the attitude that what happened, happened and there's nothing you can do about it. And you're saying that you find your lack of anger and your acceptance of what happened disturbing. Yet, you looked in the mirror and you didn't recognize the person staring back at you. IT IS taking a toll on you. And, even if you don't see it, you're bottling up a lot of hurt under the guise of "nothing you can do about it!" Look, I'm pro-marriage and if I see a couple that the WS is TRUELY remorseful about everything, then I'm more inclined to help. If you want to savage your marriage, then fine! Let's do this! You cannot rug sweep this. It will kill you and your marriage in a minute. Your wife is going to have to see that there are consequences to her actions. Because if there aren't any, then she WILL do this to you again. Why would I say that? Because she'll know you're not going anywhere and you'll just keep on forgiving her. She's got nothing to lose because nothing will change. She did this to you, she slept with another man, she valued another man more than you that she gave herself to him. Something that was promised exclusively to you for the rest of your lives. She made you into the man you can't recognize in the mirror anymore. Therefore, SHE will have to do the heavy lifting to try and fix this. Not you, HER!!! You need to come up with rules and boundaries. You need to go to marriage counseling. Do your homework and find a marriage counselor that specializes in infidelity. DO NOT go to your run of the mill Dr. Phil and Oprah kind of marriage counselor. They will tell you that your wife cheated on you because YOU didn't do this and YOU didn't do that. Basically, tell you that it's YOUR fault that she cheated and that's TOTALLY wrong. This wasn't your fault. You didn't asked to be cheated on and a marriage counselor that specializes in infidelity will make her own up to her own sh*t. Then, I would recommend that you start the 180 on her. If you don't know what that is, then here's the list: Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. No frequent phone calls. Don't point out "good points" in marriage. Don't follow her/him around the house. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS. Don't ask for reassurances. Don't buy or give gifts. Don't schedule dates together. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to! If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them! Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF! Don't be overly enthusiastic. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care! Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." What this will do is show her that you ARE capable of moving on without her. And that might scare her enough to try harder not to lose you. 2
Author Ap22 Posted December 13, 2013 Author Posted December 13, 2013 I think you misunderstood what I'm trying to say. I'm not saying "Its okay honey, I understand and forgive you...everything is just fine". Hell no. I guess what I am doing is my version of the 180. I just refuse to sit here and let me be overcome by negative emotions. Its done. She F-d up. I dont want to sit here and cry about it. I dont want to be sad. Its not the first time life knocked me down and it wont be the last.....but I always get back up. Also, let me be clear. There are consequences for her. She ruined her family. I dont tell her I love her anymore. I told her that she filled my heart with so much anger and hate and if/when that goes away, then maybe I will tell her again. Her son, my stepson, is ashamed of both biological parents. For Thanksgiving, he chose to be with me at my familys house while she stayed home alone. He will do the same for Christmas. Thats a pretty damn big consequence. Shes not getting a get out of jail free card. I'm just going to show her that I will move past this with or without her. So, in a sense, I guess I am implementing the 180. She is so afraid I will change my mind at any minute and walk out the door. I have no intentions of doing that unless she starts to become what she was. I'm doing this for me. Just me. I dont want to hurt, I dont want to be mad. I know I will be fine regardless what happens next. So trust me, I'm not at home pampering her, loving on her, telling her how much she means to me. Shes doing that to me. No, she will have to earn my trust and my love again. All I'm doing is giving her the opportunity and making peace with either outcome. 1
Fluttershy Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Please tell me you are not excluding her from Christmas. If you were divorcing that is one thing but you are intent on reconciliation. Mainly though it is cruel for your son and on that day you should put your differences aside and focus on him. And if you can't do that I am really questioning your descision to reconcile. 1
confusedandhurt2002 Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Well said. Very. I'm not arrogant and I dont want to make a fool out of my wife. I want us to build each other back up and hopefully live my life with her to the end. I have no interest in getting revenge on her. Again, I would never cheat on her because thats not how I work. Plus, cheating on her would also be cheating on my children - that will never happen. Ever. I may have come off brash, but its the way I feel. She has to earn my trust again. She has to prove to me she loves me. I spent the past 8 years proving to her I loved her. Proving to her that I trusted her and she could trust me. I spent the past 8 years giving her the best I've ever given someone. Its time for her to do the same. If she doesnt, I'm fully prepared to divorce her. I hope she does come through for me. Its the reason I'm here.
atreides Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 But here's the problem...this is not really your problem to fix. It's hers. As you read in another thread, her decision to cheat wasn't logical, healthy, or ethical; it was unfair, destructive, and solved nothing. So why the hell did she make that choice? In my view, something was broken within her. I love your posts BetrayedH, The above bold is out the core of my philosophy on why in most cases I believe i could not R from an A unlike the OP. As you said before in another thread, no M is perfect, for we are not perfect but somehow believe our happiness should be. We set double standards in this fashion and forget what we already knew which leads me to the last bold quote. Indeed, something broke and not to say it could not be fixed as I don't believe the WS should pay with the scarlet A, but it reveals a part of the character that hopefully they can grow from but nonetheless is forever part of the identity whether it helps or hinders them. I am reminded of the threads where it is argued how BS's indirectly assist the WS to the A. This is a perfect example of the double standard and a complete blindness to what is already understood. One cannot project something upon themselves that was never there to begin with.
atreides Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Please tell me you are not excluding her from Christmas. If you were divorcing that is one thing but you are intent on reconciliation. Mainly though it is cruel for your son and on that day you should put your differences aside and focus on him. And if you can't do that I am really questioning your descision to reconcile. I concur, R is R, I suppose to each their own. My perception of R is that while it is natural to feel pain, trigger and the like. I planned castigation seems out of place to me. By doing R at least to me, you have stepped up to the plate, accepted the transgression and want to work to fix it rather than punish it????
BetrayedH Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 I love your posts BetrayedH, The above bold is out the core of my philosophy on why in most cases I believe i could not R from an A unlike the OP. As you said before in another thread, no M is perfect, for we are not perfect but somehow believe our happiness should be. We set double standards in this fashion and forget what we already knew which leads me to the last bold quote. Indeed, something broke and not to say it could not be fixed as I don't believe the WS should pay with the scarlet A, but it reveals a part of the character that hopefully they can grow from but nonetheless is forever part of the identity whether it helps or hinders them. I am reminded of the threads where it is argued how BS's indirectly assist the WS to the A. This is a perfect example of the double standard and a complete blindness to what is already understood. One cannot project something upon themselves that was never there to begin with. Lots of stuff in this post. I think a lot of it has to do with whether or not you believe an affair is a reflection of someone's inalterable character. For some (serial cheaters and the like), I suppose it is. For others, I think an affair is an aberration from their character. I think the difficulty is in knowing which scenario is yours. In cases where it's a temporary aberration, you'd probably see true remorse and perhaps consider it a forgiveable offense (given the right amount of effort to ensure that such a "mistake" wouldn't happen again). But for those that the affair was a reflection of their true character, nobody wants to forgive them. It doesn't help when some people fake that it was an aberration. Some don't think an affair is an aberration at all and that you either have the character that would NEVER allow you to do such a thing or you don't. I can certainly understand those that don't have the stomach for trying to figure it out and decide to cut their losses. Personally, I love a reconciliation story that involves true remorse and true forgiveness (thus revealing that I believe that for some people, it's an aberration and change can happen). But I also hate when a BS accepts less than true remorse (usually staying out of fear). Similarly, I hate when a WS reconciles out of fear. It can take years to figure out what you're dealing with. What a mess. 2
Certhoc Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 You talking about how life has knocked you up, and punches, defiance. It sounds like a boxing match, a fight against life. For me it's a bit pessimistic, but to express my opinion I'll go along with it. You are in a boxing ring, your opponent is life. Your opponent is not your wife. She is the one that should theoretically be on the corner (your corner man or woman in this case) motivating, replenishing and taking care of you. Life hits you hard, round after round. In one of these rounds, your wife also decides to hit you hard. Life and wife, two different things and if you say your wife is your life then....a person shouldn't be your life. You decide to continue fighting against life while also turning around and defending yourself from the corner woman. You want to make yourself believe that fighting two opponents in a boxing ring is a smart and brave thing to do. Life always gets the last punch and it always knock you out six feet under. You are going to spend the rest of your life fighting the daily troubles of life plus the betrayal of your wife in the hopes of...getting a shiny medal? A pat on the back? A ticket to heaven? Point is: If you are going to stay with your wife, you are not a martyr, you are not a better person, so you shouldn't be yelling out how she should feel so lucky to have you. That creates a power imbalance. You stay because staying with her makes you happy, and if she makes you happy then YOU are lucky to have her (and she's lucky to have you, it's balanced) If you cannot get over the fact that she cheated, then get out this boxing ring. Life will without doubt put you in a new one, according to your life philosophy.
Author Ap22 Posted December 14, 2013 Author Posted December 14, 2013 Please tell me you are not excluding her from Christmas. If you were divorcing that is one thing but you are intent on reconciliation. Mainly though it is cruel for your son and on that day you should put your differences aside and focus on him. And if you can't do that I am really questioning your descision to reconcile. We'll just the part when I go to my parents for Xmas. Besides being a bit awkward, she is ashamed and not ready to face my family. My parents did invite her, even though they are very displeased with her, but she is not comfortable with that yet.
Fluttershy Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 We'll just the part when I go to my parents for Xmas. Besides being a bit awkward, she is ashamed and not ready to face my family. My parents did invite her, even though they are very displeased with her, but she is not comfortable with that yet. Personaly, i don't think she keep hiding. You guys are married, you are reconciling. She has got to get back on the horse. Her being at your side for a family event will do more to make that clear then her hiding at home ashamed. Yeah, it isn't goin to be comfortable for her. That is an onvious consequence. But her running from this an you enabling it isn't doin anyone any favours.
ClemsonTigers Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 Just got a moment here but in my opinion, the 180 plan suggested seems like a terrible idea as a recovery plan. I thought that was strictly a "I'm moving on" plan while the affair continues. BTW…you aren't unique. Some of the best recoveries I've seen have started just like yours. I handled things similarly. I've been very fortunate in life and if that was the worst thing that ever happens to me I'll die a lucky man. It sucked. I'm not some new age guy that will ever call it a "gift" or anything... but instead of wasting my/our lives in the negativity of it we turned it around into something positive. We also didn't bury ourselves in denial & despair. Instead we immersed ourselves in our marriage, our issues, marital recovery and helping other couples. 1
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