Lizrd3000 Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Alot of people on this forum told me that a month and a week isn't enough time for two people to change. Well they were wrong. Me and my girlfriend got back together a month and some days ago after a month and a week long break-up. We both changed in ways we knew needed change. We're both very young, but we love each other. This made me realize that no one really can give you a specific guideline, and you just have to choose for yourself. just like I did. I ''ignored'' (not really, because I kept them in the back of my mind) the advice given on this forum, but in the end, everyone had told me not to meet up with her, and not reconciling with her, because a month isn't long enough for people to change. I don't want to sound rude, but you guys were horribly mistaken. we're happy together, and working on our problems along the way, which is going great. What I want to give to you, is that you can listen to others, but in the end YOU have to make the decision, even if it's the wrong one in the end, atleast you knew YOU made the choice, and not someone else. 2
thora-tiki Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 I have seen people reconnect after months and years apart, but that is up to you. When do you want to give up? It all depends on how strong you are, or how strong you are willing to become. If you are weak, you give in too soon. If you are strong, you get your life back, and if you want the ex by then, the ex too. People change, yes. But we do not change after a month and a week (don't forget the fu*king week). Just look at all of us here trying to make it. We are taking it a day at a time and slowly making progress. Alright, I'll bite: yes, people can evolve past the break up and evolve etc. in just 5 weeks. But it is so rare. And it sounds fu*king exhausting. Like someone learning French in one month, and a week (don't forget the fu*king week), it is possible, but fu*king rare. I have been studying French since 2008, and I am still learning and struggling - but I am getting there. Oh, and before Lizrd3000 words creates panic on here, making all of you calling and texting the ex like crazy, thinking you are ready since it has been a month or two, and asking Lizrd3000 for support, know this: There isn't a secret window of opportunity that you have to worry about missing. You do this no contact for as long you need to. I mean, it takes time to get ready to reconnect. According to the books, we only have a month to do this. Some books even mention that after the 3 month mark your chances are greatly decreased. I believe the magic starts after a few months. I mean, who could possibly evolve and transform their life, get over a dead relationship, working out, meditating, laughing, crying, understanding what and why it happened, date and take up new hobbies, have fun, talking with family, friends, focusing on yourself, get ready for a reconnection with the ex, reconnect and start a fresh, new relationship with their ex in a month or two? Gaah! And if we have rushed no contact, we are back in the same old relationship = another go at a dying relationship involving the same two un-evolved people. So let's take our time and stop worrying about the ex moving on. If the ex moves on then it wasn't meant to be! Que sera, sera... So, congratulations, Lizrd3000, just take it slow, like dead s-l-o-w, and keep us posted. 11
BC1980 Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Lizard, I hope it works for you, but just be careful. This sounds more like your ex got lonely and panicked rather than actually changed. Im at 7 months post break up and still would not consider reconnecting with my ex. I would have jumped at the chance for the first 3 months, but that would have been foolish. 1
felicity1 Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 .......... take it slow, like dead s-l-o-w, ...and pay close attention to the dynamics 1
Trapp-er Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 "I believe the magic starts after a few months." Couldn't agree more. I'm just a little over 4 months post BU (intense 1-year relationship) and the pain only recently has become more bearable. I'm starting to see things a little more clearly and less bitterly, and recognizing my role in our problems. Personal change is hard and it takes time and real effort. Allowing yourself to heal, as many here suggest, is critical to having the relationship you really want--with your ex or with another. I'm absolutely not trying to rain your parade, OP. Good for you if it's working out the way you want. 2
Mariposa10 Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 "I believe the magic starts after a few months." Couldn't agree more. I'm just a little over 4 months post BU (intense 1-year relationship) and the pain only recently has become more bearable. I'm starting to see things a little more clearly and less bitterly, and recognizing my role in our problems. Personal change is hard and it takes time and real effort. Allowing yourself to heal, as many here suggest, is critical to having the relationship you really want--with your ex or with another. I'm absolutely not trying to rain your parade, OP. Good for you if it's working out the way you want. I guess it depends on what you want out of the relationship. For example, OP and his gf are super young, I don't think they're thinking about getting married and having children any time soon. Statistically speaking, the chance of them getting married and having kids and having a happy ending is very low. I'm not saying that the possibility doesn't exist. But if you're serious about getting together with your ex because you had talked about or want to get married that's another story. That kind of relationship takes time. It's not the kind of relationship you have in your teens.
Trapp-er Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 I guess it depends on what you want out of the relationship. For example, OP and his gf are super young, I don't think they're thinking about getting married and having children any time soon. Statistically speaking, the chance of them getting married and having kids and having a happy ending is very low. I'm not saying that the possibility doesn't exist. But if you're serious about getting together with your ex because you had talked about or want to get married that's another story. That kind of relationship takes time. It's not the kind of relationship you have in your teens. Agree. I should clarify that I'm not young anymore. I thought my last relationship really would be my last and thus my perspective/finding Thora-tiki's post insightful for me.
hermitinator Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 People are too focused on that a person can go back to their ex and the NC policy than the reasons of why they would go back to each other. An outside party doesn't really know how a relationship is like even if a person gives up information about the relationship as to give the outside party a better perspective or help them to decide to stay or leave. Same goes for when two people break up, the break up or reconciliation is between the two people. The most important question to ask is why you broke up and to understand that it isn't going to be simply an easy ride because both of you changed. Both parties need to look at the person as someone that they want in their life, not as an accessory, but as a human being who has their own experiences. The most important part of a relationship is to grow individually within it even if you are a "couple". Just because you changed outside the relationship, doesn't mean it is suddenly going to be a smooth course afterwards, you are still going to confront the problems that made you break up. You are going to have to talk about them and constantly make a deal of confronting / changing these problems in the relationship. Things should still be easy, in the sense that you two make each other laugh, still in love / love each other, the other person makes you feel good about yourself, but just because you figured yourselves out, doesn't mean you figured how yourselves work in the "us". 2
maturityassets Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Congratulations man! I hope you are happy. But do understand that people gave you advice not because they know your ex but they did merely to help you get over pain. Now I'm not saying that breaking up for 5 weeks was not an experience. You learn from all experiences. You may have had just a speed bump in your relationship and you guys may stay longer together this time around than you did initially. Though these people on this Forum did help and prevent you in that 5 weeks from doing anything rash in that time. I know if I had this website in the initial time of my break up nothing so rash would have happened and it would have been a healthier break up... and who knows be with her... But guess what I like it better like this in hindsight. I'll never forget my first love but do I want her back? Nah I could find someone a lot better and did. I wish her good luck and hope she doesn't get hurt out there. BTW just a reminder you did say during those 5 weeks that you believed your ex suffered from BPD and that you would never take her back... And yet you did. So as long as you can forgive yourself... I wouldn't worry too much about whether we were right or wrong. Best of luck again and Enjoy! Happy Holidays to you and your girlfriend =)
Recommended Posts