r321148 Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Hi all, Just wondering if anyone else has this.... So my ex and I broke up about 3 months ago. Since then I've been on dates with 8 different girls and each one just seems to make me feel worse. I have my 9th next week and I'm considering cancelling. I'm trying to move on with my life and part of that I guess is dating. The first 2 girls were obvious attempts at rebound on my part and were people I wouldn't usually consider dating so I kind of discount those 2 as it was never going to work even from the minute I asked them out. All of the girls have been really lovely. 2 I didn't click with at all...they were nice but we just didn't have much in common. The other 6 I've felt good with. All were really nice, chatting easily, comfortable with each other and everything but it's just like there's something missing. I find myself leaving feeling really empty. Each time after the dates I just go home and think she was lovely but just not right....and I can't even put my finger on what wasn't right. I end up laying awake at night trying to figure it out and getting nowhere. With 2 of the girls I decided to see them again despite my initial feelings. I thought maybe just giving them another go was the key....but it wasn't. The second dates were also fine but I just felt like I was going through the motions and it wasn't fair on them. I actually think dating is making me feel worse about the break up instead of helping me to move on. Does anyone else feel like this?
Phantomu Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Well, I've been talking to some girls lately and it's seemed to make me feel a lot better. Today was a day that I felt like I missed her a bit and thought about her a bit but I think it's because what I was doing reminded me of her. Could be that you might not be ready to date again yet. That's not a bad thing and if it's the case you shouldn't have to force yourself to do it. I am not you so I don't want to tell you NOT to go out with these girls because you really never know how you might feel about one of them if things become a little more serious. After all, they are just dates. It's all about getting to know them and if you feel like it's getting no where then you can make that choice.
Author r321148 Posted December 13, 2013 Author Posted December 13, 2013 Thanks for the reply. You are probably right and it is just too soon. Thing is my ex and I weren't together all that long (7 months) so it shouldn't be this hard to move on? I don't really feel like I'm forcing myself. It is something that I want to do... I have fun with these girls but it's just like when I get home it feels a bit like..."they were great but there wasn't the chemistry I had with x". I still remember starting dating my ex in the early phases and it was one of those where we just clicked straight away and I knew I wanted to be with her.
RDawg Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 I think you need to give yourself a bit more time. When you're really desperate in a year or so these girls will seem a lot more appealing. Also, chemistry isn't everything. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 You're just not ready. This time of year doesn't help. Cancel the date. Focus on yourself for a while. Don't force the issue. You will know when you are ready. 2
Author r321148 Posted December 13, 2013 Author Posted December 13, 2013 Thanks for the replies. I just kind of feel like I should be ready as we have now been apart almost half the time we were together. Doesn't make sense to me. I think I just got spoilt. I have dated quite a few women over the years and she was the first I really felt this massive spark with. My longest term relationships (6 years and 2 years) had both developed from friendships. I guess it's expectations and I shouldn't be expecting that much spark to happen again. I think I'm just setting the bar a bit high. I have been working on myself. Have a new job, new hobbies, new friends and have done loads these past 3 months. The dates were spread a little. The first 2 were attempts at rebound and were in the first 2 weeks after (bad idea!) Then the other 6 have been the past 3 weeks after I'd been working on myself. I do think I should cancel as it's not fair on her. I don't want to lead her on if she has no chance before she even turns up because of the way things are in my head.
Janni Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Thanks for the replies. I just kind of feel like I should be ready as we have now been apart almost half the time we were together. Doesn't make sense to me. I think I just got spoilt. I have dated quite a few women over the years and she was the first I really felt this massive spark with. My longest term relationships (6 years and 2 years) had both developed from friendships. I guess it's expectations and I shouldn't be expecting that much spark to happen again. I think I'm just setting the bar a bit high. I have been working on myself. Have a new job, new hobbies, new friends and have done loads these past 3 months. The dates were spread a little. The first 2 were attempts at rebound and were in the first 2 weeks after (bad idea!) Then the other 6 have been the past 3 weeks after I'd been working on myself. I do think I should cancel as it's not fair on her. I don't want to lead her on if she has no chance before she even turns up because of the way things are in my head. Reading your posts/thread it's obvious that you do not accept how much this is affecting you. Of course I dont know how the last months have been, but it seems like you haven't let yourself feel sad or mourn your loss. You've constantly looked for happiness and in your mind been thinking "I have to be happy. If I am happy I have moved on. I will move on if I date. I have to be happy." Happiness being the ultimate goal. My thoughts are, that this approach is what is keeping you from actually moving on. If you accept your feelings, accept that you haven't yet moved on and you're not yet ready to date, you'll heel better. The goal is not to be happy. You don't need to be happy right now. Right now you have to and need to mourn. Take it day by day and just let it be. Try thinking positive, but don't strive to be happy. Just accept things as they are. You'll feel better faster and easier this way. Don't push yourself to feel better and forget the hurt. You have to go through it.
Mariposa10 Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Where do you guys find all these dates?! I agree with the rest, you're probably not ready to start dating. Why not try to re-discover yourself, re-connect with old friends and family? Good luck! 1
Midwest Wtiter Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 My experience: I'm about 5 weeks post BU, although my ex and I went on a date after and it was awesome. Why stop dating then? He wants to be "crazy and single" for awhile. I've been on about 6 dates, all were "no sparks." I'm now "kind of seeing" someone... 4 dates but it's not physical yet. Here's part of my problem: A few times a week I lose it, miss the ex (14 month relationship but we are in our 20s), cry my eyes out and want him back. This has been affecting my relationship with this recent guy. He is "ok" looking, but I'm the type to fall in love with brains and humor. He is incredibly smart, extremely funny and a blast to be with. I'm hoping to get some sort of spark but I'm worried this incessant pining over my recent ex is hurting. I don't know why I'm even obsessing over the ex. Was never madly in love with him but always loved our time together. So, yeah, I wish I waited another month but I find the holidays incredibly frightening alone.
maturityassets Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 It really doesn't matter about the length of time you were together. 7 months is plenty of time to feel attactched to someone... That is about the time were you start feeling comfortable with someone and you start committing to stuff like plans over the holidays or hanging out more as a couple among other people and not just yourselves. And then all of the sudden it ends and just when you were feeling comfortable in love someone ends it. It's maybe just as worse as being in a long 2 year relationship because the fear of falling is even more prevalent. Just accept your grieving. Take 4-5 weeks off from dating. Write in a journal about your feelings... Talk about what your ex meant to you. Why you feel the need to move on at a pace you are not ready for... What type of anxiety do you feel if you don't move on and where does that stem from? Takes a bit of acceptance of your feelings and yourself to move on. Best of luck 1
ponchsox Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 I went on a date about 3 weeks after my breakup. I felt horrible and it made me feel worse. Should have cancelled. I have since been on 4 more dates and I felt better each time, but nothing I wanted to pursue. I'm finally at a point now 2.5 months since my breakup where I can date, have fun, and meet someone.
mendsley Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 My experience with dating after my break up has been negative. I've only been single for about two months now, but I'm still a freaking mess. I"m not myself, if things aren't going my way with dating then I get really sad and think about the ex and there is something inside of me that is saying stop. trying for now. For me, I figure 4 - 6 months and I will start trying, but that's me. No rush, if you go too quick I guarantee it's you trying to replace the ex.
Author r321148 Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 Thanks for all the replies. Some good advice. The first 2 dates were definitely me trying to replace the ex. The first week or so was really tough and dating during that time was a really bad idea which is why I left it a while before the next one. I didn't really mourn the relationship I guess (as someone suggested above). I got a new job about a week after. Then got a promotion. Then I'd just been so busy with things that I never really stopped to think. New hobbies, new friends and reconnecting with some old friends just took over my life. About 4 weeks back I got chatting to girl and then we went out soon after. Was good and I thought "well she wasn't right but maybe I'm ok to try again". I then went on another date with someone else and soon after that is when my ex popped back into my head. We'd been no contact for ages so there didn't seem to be any reason for her to come back in. I think maybe just the act of dating was a reminder. My ex and I had some fantastic dates and I just ended up comparing to her again. Since then she's been in my dreams and in my head.
Recommended Posts