dp Posted January 3, 2005 Posted January 3, 2005 I was packing my live in boyfriend of almost 4 years lunch yesterday and while cleaning out his containers from the day before I found 2 pictures. One picture was of a girl lifting her shirt to reveal her bra and the other was of her lifting up her skirt to reveal her underware. It came as quite a shock to find these and I was upset. I took the pictures into ask him why they were in his lunch bag and he seemed surprised too. Apparently they were his friends pictures and somebody put them in his bag as a joke. Instead of him telling me this he got storming mad and asked if I really thought that he would bring these pictures home with him and do I really think that he is that unhappy with me that he would do that? It wasn't so much that they were in there, it's that he didn't come to me and explain why they were in there and he feels that I have no right to be mad and he can't understand my side of it. He even called his friend, who the pictures belonged to, and asked him about it and he thinks that I should have heard him on the phone with his friend and that that should have been enough, that he shouldn't have to come and explain it to me. His friend called me and tried to explain to me which just upset me more because my own boyfriend didn't even try to explain it to me. Is it understandable that I would be upset and shocked to find these pictures or should I have just said Oh well, I won't ask him about it and forget it?
Pocky Posted January 3, 2005 Posted January 3, 2005 Well - it all depends in how you approached him regarding the pictures. If immediately you assumed the worse and approached him aggressively he may have felt insulted that you would assume something that like without even giving him a chance to explain. At that point he may have decided he didn't want to explain - you had already made your mind up. You had a right to question it, I'm not disputing that. However, how you questioned him may have incited his anger and reluctance to give you further explanation.
Lonestar Posted January 3, 2005 Posted January 3, 2005 In my experience, when someone explodes like that upon being confronted, and then puts you down for even thinking they would do such a thing, they are guilty as hell. An innocent person will explain calmly what happened and do whatever they can to ease your fears. The guilty create a smokescreen, and that's what happened to you.
Author dp Posted January 3, 2005 Author Posted January 3, 2005 Yes, it is in the way that I approached him. He said that I came to him as if I was going to scratch his eyes out. I didn't think that I did. Yes, I was upset, yes I asked him "what are these pictures doing in your lunchbag?" He seemed surprised and I left the pictures on the bed and walked out to the kitchen and finished making his lunch, which he refused to take, and that upset me even more. He is exhibiting all of the same signs that my ex-husband did right before he walked out. I don't know how to say that to my boyfriend without making it like I am compairing him to my ex so I just keep quiet. I've never questioned my boyfriend before about anything. I let him go with his friends at all hours of the night, he has friends that are girls and I've never questioned any of that. I just feel that it was unfair of him to get mad at me for something that I feel is a normal reaction that any girl would have. He doesn't think that any girl would react badly and that it's just me. I think that if I had a history of being jealous then that would be different. But since this is something that he has never done before and we have been going through a little rocky period the past couple of months I feel that I reacted the way any woman would, he feels that I am being way to insecure.
tiki Posted January 3, 2005 Posted January 3, 2005 Originally posted by Lonestar In my experience, when someone explodes like that upon being confronted, and then puts you down for even thinking they would do such a thing, they are guilty as hell. An innocent person will explain calmly what happened and do whatever they can to ease your fears. The guilty create a smokescreen, and that's what happened to you. Ditto. When my husband asks me about something that looks a little funny (anything from a phone number to a receipt), I calmly reply. Why get all worked up if you're innocent? I would've been just as pissed when I confronted him...don't feel bad about that. Just get to the bottom of it.
Bubbles Posted January 3, 2005 Posted January 3, 2005 I have a question.......... I do not understand WHY he would put those pictures in his lunchbox when he knows that you WILL find them. That would be pretty stupid of him wouldn't it? That would be like ASKING to get caught. I think he has a pretty stupid friend! That's what I think! I doubt very seriously that he is having ANY kind of fling at all. Some people just think that this kind of stuff is funny and it's not. You should arrange a time for this "friend' to come to your house and the three of you need to sit down and discuss this. This "friend" needs to apologize to YOU and to your B/Friend. You stated that your b/friend called his friend who apparantly did this so that shows that he knew EXACTLY who would do something like this and I don't blame him for being upset. His friend has put him in a very bad situation that he did'nt deserve to be in. Different strokes for different folks right? Give him a chance, bubbles
Author dp Posted January 3, 2005 Author Posted January 3, 2005 Originally posted by Bubbles I have a question.......... I do not understand WHY he would put those pictures in his lunchbox when he knows that you WILL find them. That would be pretty stupid of him wouldn't it? That would be like ASKING to get caught. I think he has a pretty stupid friend! That's what I think! I doubt very seriously that he is having ANY kind of fling at all. Some people just think that this kind of stuff is funny and it's not. You should arrange a time for this "friend' to come to your house and the three of you need to sit down and discuss this. This "friend" needs to apologize to YOU and to your B/Friend. You stated that your b/friend called his friend who apparantly did this so that shows that he knew EXACTLY who would do something like this and I don't blame him for being upset. His friend has put him in a very bad situation that he did'nt deserve to be in. Different strokes for different folks right? Give him a chance, bubbles I told my boyfriend that I didn't think that he would intentionally bring them home so that I would find them but, that he possibly knew that they were in there and forgot to throw them out before I saw them. He took offense to this also because he said that I should know better than that. I guess he had words with the guy who did it at work but, I'm still in the doghouse because I questioned him on this instead of trusting that he wouldn't do such a thing. I tried to give him a chance, and I still am but, if he refuses to talk to me about it then what am I supposed to think? I think that it is very simple and that there needs to not be a fight but, he turned it into one by getting so defensive. I don't blame him for being upset either but, am I not allowed to have feelings about this too and also be upset? I'm upset that somebody else would be that disrespectful of our relationship and I'm also upset that my boyfriend thinks that my feelings are out of line.
debs Posted January 3, 2005 Posted January 3, 2005 Sorry but I saw when a guy is approached on a subject then blows his stack they are guilty as sin! I would be very wary of the so called pictures planted by so called friends. Take off your blinders here! Open your eyes! LMAOOOOO that is one of the oldest excuses it's like I am holding the ciggies for a friend...remember that one???? ROFL!
Bubbles Posted January 3, 2005 Posted January 3, 2005 There now.......you just said it! "I don't blame him for being upset either but, am I not allowed to have feelings about this too and also be upset? I'm upset that somebody else would be that disrespectful of our relationship and I'm also upset that my boyfriend thinks that my feelings are out of line." YES, you are allowed to have feelings! BUT........your b/friend also has feelings and you have told him quite clearly that you do NOT trust him and that in itself is an insult. Take my advice and call this so-called friend of his to come to the house and face up to the mess he has created!!! Then you should proceed to give this friend hell! Right in front of your b/friend! You make sure to tell this friend.....quote - You have hurt BOTH of us! I am mad at him and he is seriously mad at me because of YOUR actions! You apologize to the both of us right now or we do not need your friendship! It has taken us 4 years to put in place the relationship that we have with each-other and you have almost completely DESTROYED that! Do you think it is funny now? We don't! - unquote. I am sure that your b/friend will enjoy seeing his friend catch hell! and not him. Stand up and defend YOUR relationship girl! bubbles
Author dp Posted January 3, 2005 Author Posted January 3, 2005 Thank you bubbles for your sound advice. Unfortunately I don't think that my boyfriend would ever invite this person over for a meeting. I think that he would rather deal with him on his own and then deal with me on his own. It's sad but, I think that's how he feels. I will stand up for myself but, I think that I am on shakey ground right now with everything else that's been going on with us. I don't want to push the issue, it seems like he is overly sensitive to anything that I say because he feels like I am insecure about our relationship right now and it's driving him nuts. He says that he loves me and that he wants to work through our problems and that if he didn't then he wouldn't still be with me. I just feel like we are stuck in this dip in the road and that we can't work on our problems because we can't ever get out of the dip. He's so closed and he only likes to talk when he is ready and when I do manage to pry something out of him it's not very much and it leaves me with more questions. He deals with everything this way. He stays quiet and distant about it until he's ready to talk about it so, I don't know how to get him to open up and deal with this without getting him even more upset with me.
Bubbles Posted January 3, 2005 Posted January 3, 2005 Well, I can say this much. At least you know how to treat him when he is upset. What I mean by that is: at least you know you are going to have to wait it out until HE is ready to talk. It seems that women are ready to talk (about their emotions at any time) but with men? it is totally different. Give him a few days. Treat him with respect. But you should be sure to let him know that you are ready to talk any-time he is. Tell him that you are anxious for him to tell you exactly how he feels and will not interrupt him while he is doing so. It's a respect thing. A lot of people are telling you that because he had a bad reaction to this? he's guilty. Not always the case. My Uncle is a very sincere man that would never, ever cheat on his wife and one of his friends one time thought he would test My Aunt and My Uncle's relationship by having a woman call at their house to speak to my Uncle. My Aunt answered the phone and was quite surprised to find a woman on the other end of the phone sweetly asking to speak to my Uncle which (of course) led my aunt to beleive that my Uncle might be having an affair. Well, my Uncle FREAKED! He is NOT that kind of man and never would be that kind of man. So you see? All reactions are different as people themselves are different. Who's to say that you keep your cool when you are guiltless? I know for a fact that my Uncle was furious with his so called friend and my Aunt thought he was mad at her he wqas angry at the whole SENCELESS situation. He was'nt! He told his friend that he never wanted to speak to him again if that was the sence of humour that HE had to offer the friendship You said in an earlier post that you have not had ANY reason to doubt your b/friend to this point so........ Give him his space, let him know that you will give him his time to sort this out but that you are willing to "listen" when he is ready to talk. Don't be fooled. Your heart will tell YOU the truth. bubbles
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2005 Posted January 3, 2005 he feels that I am being way to insecure. Then he NEEDS to make YOU feel more secure. Obviously him being friends with other women, you allowing him to do what he wants when he wants has taken a toll on you. Deep down inside you may be questioning what he really is doing. Start going out with him when he goes out, be PART of this, don't just sit back and let him go out and have fun without you! He has too much room for play and in the process has left you behind abit. I hope you both can work through this. Good luck.
Author dp Posted January 3, 2005 Author Posted January 3, 2005 Thank you again, bubbles. Yes, I do feel it is a waiting game and that isn't exactly my strong point but, sometimes you have to tough things out. I do feel that the ice is beginning to thaw already since he just came down to the gameroom where I am sitting at the computer and without saying anything let me know that things are better today than they were yesterday. He put his hands on my shoulders, rubbed them a little and then gave me a kiss on top of my head. It's a start and if that's all that he can muster right now then that is enough for me. I'll take that over screaming or not talking at all. At least I feel like he may be thinking things through a little more clearly now and he may be able to see the err of his ways and mine. Hopefully he will be more open to talking in a couple of days and he won't feel like I am attacking him like I think that he felt when all of this crap happened in the first place. I don't think that he is cheating I just think that he is a very sensitive guy that doesn't know how to deal with communicating very well. He also has less experience in relationships than I do (I am his 1st serious girlfriend) and I have been married before. This is probably new territory for him and he handled it wrong and so did I. I just needed to hear from someone else outside of my relationship that my feelings were valid. Thank you so much for the advice and input.
Bubbles Posted January 3, 2005 Posted January 3, 2005 No need for thank you's..........that's why we're here at Loveshack. To help each-other! You'll see.........we're like an annoymous family here! To help and to share life experiences with each-other. bubbles
Author dp Posted January 3, 2005 Author Posted January 3, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup Then he NEEDS to make YOU feel more secure. Obviously him being friends with other women, you allowing him to do what he wants when he wants has taken a toll on you. Deep down inside you may be questioning what he really is doing. Start going out with him when he goes out, be PART of this, don't just sit back and let him go out and have fun without you! He has too much room for play and in the process has left you behind abit. I hope you both can work through this. Good luck. Yes, sometimes it is hard to know that while I'm at work (I work 3rd shift) he is hanging with his friends. Often times his friends are at the house though so that doesn't bother me. He is a volunteer fireman and so a lot of his friends are also firemen/women. He does a lot of his hanging at the firehall. He works 2nd shift so when he comes home he's just not that tired and that's why he is up and about all night. I do call him and he is always where he is supposed to be. I did join the fire dept. though just so that I could be a part of something that he has such a great passion for. I'm not really that interested in going on calls but, I can atleast be a part of something that means a lot to him and I get to know his friends in the process. They are a pretty good group of people, it's just the friends that I don't know that well from his work that are the problem. He isn't close with any of them like he is with his buddies from the firehall but, he does interact with them everyday at work. As you can see, it sometimes becomes a problem because those friends don't know me and don't care about my relationship with my boyfriend as much as the fire dept. guys do. I may have started rambling, I tend to do that. I'll quit now. Thanks for your input.
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