FortunateSon Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 I got out of a 6 year relationship about 6 months ago, we were engaged for the last 6 months of it. It was a messy break up and about a month after I joined an online dating site to take my mind off things and companionship. In the 6 months since my break up, I have dated a lot of women since in a fairly casual manor. I started dating one girl in particular about 2 months ago, although not "exclusively", she is the only girl I have been dating since. She is fantastic: smart, attractive, good career...all the things I would look for in a long term/marriage partner. The problem is I am not that excited about her? Despite being a good match on paper and enjoying her company, I don't feel a connection to her. It doesn't help that my ex recently contacted me out of the blue and mentioned that she is already dating someone. Am I not ready for a new relationship? Should I give this new woman more of a chance or cut her loose now? I am confused and not sure what I should do?
mammasita Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 You're not ready. First of all, why did you speak with your ex? Hearing about her isn't helping you any..... There's nothing wrong with you not feeling anything for this girl. I met a few guys who were great on paper after my break up but I felt absolutely nothing for them. No big deal. Take time to heal and be ok being with just yourself. Cut her loose so she doesn't end up hurt. 1
ShyGuy5 Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Unfortunately you can't put Love on paper 2
Author FortunateSon Posted December 13, 2013 Author Posted December 13, 2013 You're not ready. First of all, why did you speak with your ex? Hearing about her isn't helping you any..... There's nothing wrong with you not feeling anything for this girl. I met a few guys who were great on paper after my break up but I felt absolutely nothing for them. No big deal. Take time to heal and be ok being with just yourself. Cut her loose so she doesn't end up hurt. Unfortunately, my ex unexpectedly texted me out of the blue after a period of NC. It turned into a brief exchange of texts/emails that did NOTHING to help the situation. I am open to dating other people but there is no other suitable options at the moment. My big concern is that I am not giving this current woman enough of a chance? At the same time I don't feel really into it and thought if I give it more time it may evolve into more? I am definitely confused and don't want to hurt anyone...
Versacehottie Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 I don't have the right advice about the new girl situation. She sounds great so I hope that you don't mess it up, whatever that consists of. The advice I do have is: don't talk to the ex. It prolongs the actual break-up&recovery. Life is too short. 1
Author FortunateSon Posted December 13, 2013 Author Posted December 13, 2013 It doesn't sound like you are ready for a relationship but maybe a friendship. This is kinda how I feel? I told her I am not ready to jump into a relationship and she "says" she's okay with that, but I do feel like there is pressure there. I enjoy her companionship, but at this point struggle with being romantic and intimate with her, even though she is very into it. Is this something that can develop in time? I am struggling with the idea that I am not giving it enough of a chance? I also found that my ex contacting me did not help the situation
emva07 Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 I don't think you are ready....and I don't think it's fair for a great girl to get her hopes up with a guy who feels so-so about her. 1
Versacehottie Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Hmmm, well I certainly wouldn't like the idea of someone feeling that lukewarm about me. As far as giving her a "chance", that sounds like you think she is "good on paper" but for whatever reason not into moving things forward or much further than they are now. I would let her know again that you are just not ready for anything with anyone at this point and pull WAY back based on that explanation and letting her know that explanation. That will give you the chance to see if you are really into her & there is something there. Practically no contact. Because if you are spending time with her and reaching out to her at this point it's for companionship and to feed your ego and sorry, kind of selfish. Don't tell her but date other girls so you can get a read on what your readiness is and how she fits into the mix. I think a lot of the time, especially guys, don't know until they have time away from the girl. Otherwise they feel "pressure" and like she is pulling them along through the relationship. And that's not good. If you let that happen, it leads to lukewarm feeling about her and not really appreciating her worth at all. Good luck! 1
Author FortunateSon Posted December 13, 2013 Author Posted December 13, 2013 That makes a lot of sense. I have casually dated around 10 girls since July, I typically have let them know after 2-3 dates that I am not interested in going further. This current girl brings a bit more to the table than the other ones and things started out really exciting. We had sex on the fourth or fifth date, and while the sex was actually really good and has been since, I have started to find myself gradually losing interest. I feel as though unresolved issues from my past relationship have affected the progression of this and my ex contacting me made it even worse. We are planning to attend some parties together the next couple weekends so I thought I could at least see that through and talk to her after the holidays if things haven't progressed? Does this seem like an honorable course of action?
Versacehottie Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 I have started to find myself gradually losing interest. I feel as though unresolved issues from my past relationship have affected the progression of this and my ex contacting me made it even worse. We are planning to attend some parties together the next couple weekends so I thought I could at least see that through and talk to her after the holidays if things haven't progressed? Does this seem like an honorable course of action? Well, in a word, while I think you mean it to be honorable, no it isn't. Others may disagree with me and I'm not sure myself that it is completely a black and white issue. To me, knowing that you feel this lukewarm (which if she is sleeping with you, I'm going to guess she doesn't feel lukewarm about you), it's like you are still having her on a tryout. I think that's going to make you feel pressure & she's going to feel like she is trying to please you because she will catch the vibe that you are not 100% in. Selfish to put her through this while you are still deciding if she is worthwhile. I think this dynamic will reinforce that you will continue to be losing interest--it's a vicious circle. Harder to do the right thing, be honest & walk away (even if it's temporary). To me, it sounds classic, let's make it through the holidays & break up in january. If you continue to see her through the holidays, go to parties, her attachment to you is going to grow and then it will just hurt more if you break it off. If you really want to give her the chance she deserves, like the kind of girl for a long term relationship, do things that make sense for long term. Be honest, not selfish & considerate of her as person. Missing two weeks of parties with this girl is no big deal if you can step back and get clarity on yourself & how you feel about her. Give yourself a chance to miss her. I hate that my advice torpedoes some fun holiday parties & what she probably is looking forward to. But don't think either of you will get what you want LONGER TERM by going through with those. Good luck
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