How is everybody doing today :] This is me last night/ now and this Sunday

[Lennon]

Hey guys,

Just gonna vent abit, it helps.

 

Was back in Dublin yesterday for my going away night. I'm moving to France on Sunday. It was a bit rough cos being in back in the city brings the past back for me. I see the cafes, restaurants, cinemas, places we would go for walks. Its like being haunted by her. The memories are a killer.

Got a new dapper hairstyle getting rid of my moptop. It was funny people I knew had to look twice or three times to recognise me.

Got ready for the night out,suited up for the occasion. Met my friends the ones who could make it. Alot of my friends work in the service industry like myself and not many of them could get time off but the couple of friends who did come were the ones I wanted to be there the most.

 

I was really enjoying the night, However I did have a little episode. I got blind stinking drunk and started crying over my ex. Got myself back together. Man I was drunk, one of my friends had just arrived and I gave her a hug lost my balance and smacked my head pretty bad and dragged her down too, (gave her a black eye). What a disaster I am. My head was bleeding pretty bad but It didn't stop me. I was too drunk to care. Suprised I was let in the club to be honest.

 

I don't remember much but I know I was an emotional rollercoaster the entire night. I ended up sleeping with my friend, which was a stupid move because I know she always had a thing for me but I just didn't feel the same way. ( she even tried to kiss me when I was with my ex, I stopped her of course) My other mate seen us kissing. He has a thing for her. He went home looking quite hurt. I don't remember **** all but I remember the look on his face. I am an *******. This isn't me, I don't hurt the people I care about. I have been such a mess lately, I mean I stopped drinking completely for a month and a half because I didn't trust myself to drink going through this grieve process. She didn't seem to care about him and was actually cool with me just using her for sex. She knows I'm not over my ex and just kinda feel dead inside.

 

The next day he messaged and seemed cool with what went down. I apologised nonetheless.

I woke up to a splitting headache. My head is still killing me and the wound is still feels pretty fresh. I am covered in bruises. My ass, leg, head and arm are bloody sore as hell.

 

I don't know why but right now I feel quite at peace. Its strange. Maybe its just my body being so f**ked it can't process grieving at the minute. I hope It stays like this. I should feel guilty and depressed, especially after drinking so much. Laying off the sauce btw. Its obvious I'm not ready to get pissed with out turning into a trainwreck.

 

I'm moving to France on Sunday. I can't wait. I'll be bartending in an Irish pub over there I have the job already. An apartment organised too. Pretty cheap too delighted cos Dublin is an expensive ****hole to live in. A beautiful but dirty city full of too many junkies and scumbags. I'm going to fill my days with art, literature, writing, studying the language, working on my stubborn skinny frame which never wants to gain weight no matter how much I eat :] Its a popular

student pub too with 4000 university students in the city. Plenty of options. Being an Irish guy In France will be great. I lived in a hostel for a couple of months before and girls love the accent

On my days off I'll visit vineyards and see the beautiful country of France.

 

I feel like Sunday is going to be a difficult day though. I'll be leaving my family and doing something by myself, alone.

 

I know she is no longer in Ireland. She moved back home to Australia. I think I'm going to feel like I'm finally leaving her behind. Its scary. I haven't been to the airport since we parted. Kissing each other goodbye and with tears in our eyes. I didn't know it would be the last time I would get to kiss her and hold her.

 

My first love. I still miss you and love you but I'm not contacting you again and if you contact me, I'll treat you like an old acquaintance. I won't get my hopes up. Leave me bread crumbs, I won't follow them. The only reason I'm not cutting ties completely is I couldn't that to you. Not after your father left you the way he did and I don't want to hurt you like you hurt me.

You say i am important to you and don't you want to lose me completely, you sleep with the plush toys i got you as gifts, you wear my pendant necklace every day. I don't understand you, I wonder if I knew you at all. I dread the day you contact me again because I know you will. I don't know if I'll have the strength to reply. I'll be patient and show maturity because that is my true love. We will become estranged to each other, the friendship that you want won't mean anything to you anymore and I'll move on and I'll find somebody else to love and her to love me in kind

 

Sorry that was so long. It was therapeutic. Hope every body is doing okay today. Just needed to vent