Commitment Phobic

[belinda22]

Hey everyone! I am new and just wanted to see if anyone had a similar experience as me or any insight. I was dating my bf for 4 years (we are both 30). His only other girlfriend was 10 years ago. He has serious issues with commitment, and has "run away" every time things were about to go to the next stage. The first time was at about year 1.5. We just got back from Paris 2 days before and he was preparing to move in with me (even though he really already did, this was going to make it official). We got back together after 6 weeks, when he saw me spending time with another man. We had two other "breaks" lasting two weeks and 6 days. In August he was preparing to propose and we just looked at investment houses (he didnt want me to work when we had kids). The night we looked at the investment houses he decided he wasnt ready for marriage yet, and needed space. He moved into a month to month rental. We didnt see ach other for a few weeks, then we begane seeing each other once a week, and eventually got up to spending a weekedn together. We went from hugging and escalted to him spending the night again. He would always say he loved me and be strong for us. Well after the weeked we spent together at the end of October, he bailed again. After helping clean the gutters at the house, raking leaves, and talking about the improvments that need to be done to the house. He said he did not want to be half in or half out anymore and realized that if he came back because he missed me and loved me the cycle would continue forever, so he cant come back until he can be all in. A vast change from the selfish guy who came back three tiems before, becasue he missed me. He cried, and said if we relaize we want to be together we can always try again later. Since this time, we have talked on several occassions, but he wants to be left alone to figure out what he wants for his life. Last Sunday he came over and we talked. He looked through every room of the house and even in the refridgerator. To me it seemed to be checking to see what I was doing. I talked to him about how I was feeling, and he cried, said he loved me, and he'd think about what I said. We talked again and he told me he felt bad about everything he loves me very much, misses me very much, misses OUR house, and everything we had together. But he still needs to be alone and can't come back until he can commit to forever, so he doesn't cycle in and out. Has anyone ever experienced dating and the break ups with a commitment phobe? I know it doesnt seem it, but when he wasnt having one of his commitment episodes we were so close. Is this how the cycle works with a commitment phobe? I am still at the point where I want him to come back, so I can encourage him to go to counseling. Anyone have any expereince with this?!

[Just smile]

I've been involved with a commitment phobe man for over five years. I met him during my divorce. He had been married twice prior to me. And involved in two serious relationships after his divorce. All ended with him running away.

 

When he fell in love with me he couldn't and wouldn't say it for over a year. When he finally said it, he would start the cycle of breaking up with me, over and over again. Lost count. Each time. Came crying back ,,begging ,pleading , saying he tried to stay away and can't.

 

I'm going through it again,although I've initated the breakup I still want him in a sick twisted way. These types of man in my opinion do not change they get worse with age. Mine is 54, I'm 45... He always used to say to me I wanna do what I want , ( emphasizing. That didn't mean screwing other women)

 

They are scared of being tied down. Something happend with my ex first wife,,she cheated on him and he went nuts prior to their divorce. I believe he is scarred .

 

I can't fix him anymore , I need and want more and I can't seem to get it, emotionally he is checked out half the time. When he wants me , he wants me, and when he doesn't , he doesn't, and either I understood it or I knew where the door was. He also said he loves me but doesn't need me

Totally commitment phobia. With narcissim to boot.

 

Good luck I would consider getting out while you can and not invest as much time as I have, it has hurt my self esteem and I have a lot of work to do on myself right now.

[Never Again]

You can "try again later"? What, so he gets to have his freak out and you just have to wait?

 

Nope, nope, nope. In or out. Dont take him back again. Hurt you once, shame on him. Hurt you twice, thrice etc, shame on you.

 

Wholeheartedly agree.

 

OP, look. Despite my signature, I DO believe in second chances. But them come after a lot of NC, healing, self-improvement and moving on from both parties...and at that point, it's more like a new relationship with an old partner than a "second chance".

 

However, this guy has been playing the hokey-pokey with you for a long time now. He's had his chances to sort himself out, maybe go to counseling and get help, and he chose to dick around and continue to hurt you.

 

Do not wait for him. Don't communicate with him. Don't even consider letting him back into your life unless he comes crawling on his hands and knees with a "I'm cured of my psycho-bullsh*t" certification from a registered medical practitioner...and even then you probably shouldn't.

[belinda22]

Thanks everyone for your replies! It is a tough battling that I am going through. I actually started counseling, so hopefully that helps. Prior to this relatiosnhip, I had been married, but became a widow at age 26 due to my husband dying of cancer, so this feels like another "death" to me.

 

He has told me I can "move on" and not wait for him to figure his life out, but he has said this each time before. When I see him he inspects the house from top to bottom including the fridge. Asks things like where was I Saturday, and if there was a maintenance guy at the house, because he drove by and saw a truck. He even asked for a bandaid, and proceeded to take the whole box with him! Sometimes I feel like it's a sick game that he might not even know he's playing.

 

JustSMile- When Your commitment phobe runs away, how long has it been for? and does he become avoidant?

[Just smile]

Belinda,

 

He always becomes isolated from me. Distances himself as far as possible. He cuts off all contact , blocks deletes, even as much as. Changing phones numbers etc.

 

Longest we went doing this was a good solid month. Last year around the holidays.

 

This time it's like he died. Although I did receive an email from him two days ago.

 

Commitment phobe = heartache. Take it from me. He always comes back ..EVERY time. This time I'm trying my best to break this pattern.

[belinda22]

Just smile,

 

My Cp has come back the other three times before too. But this time it has been longer, and he has this new mission of I can't come back until I can be "all in". Like how all of a sudden is he so unselfish? Mine is cold and callous right now, but still says he loves me and misses me very much, and says I can move on, but checks out the hosue we lived together and asked my whereabouts. Sometimes it feels liek a game, that he does not even knwo he is playing. It's so hard that he was contemplating marriage (we went ring shopping, he had his mother give him a family ring, but did not like it, had a computer image of a ring designed), but just couldn't get to the finish line. He went from marriage to not wanting to talk to me at all. That's the hardest. I think he is trying to avoid, so he does not have to feel. I would love to hear more about your experience and the break ups and his cycle, if you were up to talking about it.

[belinda22]

Oh, in my response I forgot to ask, did you respond to the email? What in the world did he even want? Good for you trying to break the cycle. I am still stuck.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I was with a commitment phobe too, for 3 years. Took him a year to say he loved me. He was always indecisive. Never took vacations, never bought me flowers, no fancy dinners...it was just dull. He was always skeptical of the title, afraid of it. His moods were off and on. He was sweet, but it was about the things that he DIDN'T do that hurt me the most.

 

Finally I moved in with him after 3 years and then a week later he says, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" He said the reason he was sometimes cold was because he was trying to push me away. He told me he has commitment issues and will probably be like this forever. Then after he says all this he cuddles me and cries...

 

I still live with him at the moment and while living here he is still emotionally confused. It's a constant tug-a-war. Kisses me, holds me, says sweet things...everything. Then the next day he is "off" and distant. Just completely aloof.

 

This weekend I'm moving out without him knowing it. While he is at work I'm packing everything and moving. He won't know I'm gone till he comes home and see's my room empty. After I'm gone, it's over for me. Not because I want it, but because I need it.

 

It's a step I have to take for ME. It's not fair that I go through this anymore.

 

It's better to break your own heart by leaving, rather than having that person break your heart every day you're with them.

[Just smile]

Listen, he emailed me the other day that he isn't interested in another woman and hasn't been since we met, he says he loves me but he can't stand me.( very condescending and abusive)...

 

This man took me on beautiful vacations. Gave me beautiful gifts. Took me to great upscale restaurants. Fine wine etc. we were together for every event up until last Christmas when he took off for a month. When we got back together in January it was back to normal.he called me one day and told me to come over in mid January,and I arrived to a huge stocking filled with gifts,at the bottom was a beautiful diamond ring. Gorgeous , similar to an engagement with no proposal.

 

We had a mutual understand that living together and marriage was not happening. We were committed and monogamous. He has such sexual disruptions he had ED, low T, and very low desire to have sex. But yet. He loved women's attention and loved to buy women drinks and try and make me jealous. When I would react he would say your soooo jealous. I'm attractive and fit, he is not. No ONE could understand the attraction.

 

The night of this last breakup the bartender asked him why he never introduced him to his daughter! ( me) my ex was mortified!

 

We have been apart since a few days before thanksgiving with not speaking at all. All contact has been cut off. It's strange this time.

[Just smile]

No response, but he blocked me anyway. He throws breadcrumbs and then runs. Usual pattern.

[belinda22]

It is all so maddening. I am sorry other people have had to go through this too. Bless your socks- You are right I wish I would've left instead of him leaving me.

[Zahara]

Been with two "commitment phobes" and the cycle is repetitive and most likely won't change. When they get too close, they want to run. When they get too far, they want to get close. When they got too close or was getting comfortable with the relationship, they would sometimes get mean. And when I'd see that side of him, I knew he was on the verge of freaking out again. Supposedly, it's the pressure of commitment looming over them that sends them into panic and fear. A battle in the brain. I want, I don't want, I want, I don't want. At least that is how it was explained to me.

 

I would suggest you stay away and start detaching from him. You'll always be in this predicament. Best thing to do with these types is cut contact because all they will do is drive you crazy and drain the life out of you. If he wants to get help, let him do that on his own without your need to encourage, push or suggest. The thing with the guys that I was with, through the crying, wanting to change, wanting to be with me and talks of therapy, he couldn't even commit to that. And even if he did go to therapy, there is no guarantee he will change and be able to commit to you fully.

[Just smile]

True! After he dumped me last year prior to Christmas and then came back crying he begged for us to go to therapy and we went ONCE! Just once. I gained nothing from it. In fact, I was freaked out by it.

 

It did nothing he never changed he gradually got worse as time went on.

 

This is the longest we have went with silent no contact... I'm in deep deep pain. I have a lot more important issues to be focused on and somehow I'm focused on this crap. The above post if correct, it sucks the life out of you and digs at your self esteem. I don't even recognize the person I am anymore. I'm weak. Needy, and obviously do not respect myself to have endured thus much pain from a man. I mean really what am I teaching my kids?

 

I'm wearing that ring he bought me and pondering with selling. It.i need to rid myself of all memory of him.

[belinda22]

Thanks Zahara! Are you the one who finally had to break off the contact with them?

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

When they get too close, they want to run. When they get too far, they want to get close. When they got too close or was getting comfortable with the relationship, they would sometimes get mean. And when I'd see that side of him, I knew he was on the verge of freaking out again. Supposedly, it's the pressure of commitment looming over them that sends them into panic and fear. A battle in the brain. I want, I don't want, I want, I don't want. At least that is how it was explained to me.

 

OMG so true!! I hated the mean parts and when they're mean, they're really mean!! So heartless and careless. And when they are nice, they are really nice!! It's like they are bipolar!

 

I would suggest you stay away and start detaching from him. You'll always be in this predicament. Best thing to do with these types is cut contact because all they will do is drive you crazy and drain the life out of you. If he wants to get help, let him do that on his own without your need to encourage, push or suggest. The thing with the guys that I was with, through the crying, wanting to change, wanting to be with me and talks of therapy, he couldn't even commit to that. And even if he did go to therapy, there is no guarantee he will change and be able to commit to you fully.

 

Change is too difficult for them, they may talk about changing and wanting to change because they know they hurt people and I think deep down inside they want what we want, but they never really commit to it. They are more comfortable with what they are used to. Changing to them is losing their control.

 

Plus it would take years for them to really change even if they saw a therapist and did all the right things. Change is a commitment.

 

Sometimes, you are who you are and there is nothing you can do about it. There are people who will be single forever. There are people who will always be in a relationship. There are people who settle and there are people who keep looking for what they want. And then there are people who never find it.

 

Thing about CP's is that they always think there is something better out there. But they will never find it. Because that "thing" they are looking for is in themselves, but they don't see it that way.

[Zahara]

Thanks Zahara! Are you the one who finally had to break off the contact with them?

 

With the first one, he finally left. After many times of coming and going, we had a huge fight because he changed his mind about me moving in. That was the last straw. As I was leaving, I screamed at him, tears flowing, big huge vein popping on my forehead to never contact me again and that if he loved me and respected me, he would be kind and let me go. I believe he saw the consistent damage he was causing me. He sent me an email that he loved me and his heart was breaking but he would leave me alone as he didn't know if he could ever change and he couldn't take the risk of ever seeing me hurt like that again.

 

The second one, I got tired after a few times of that same behavior and blocked him from all means of communication. He tried to contact me by showing up at my home and sending me emails through new email accounts but I ignored. After that first one, I wasn't going to do it again.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

With the first one, he finally left. After many times of coming and going, we had a huge fight because he changed his mind about me moving in. That was the last straw. As I was leaving, I screamed at him, tears flowing, big huge vein popping on my forehead to never contact me again and that if he loved me and respected me, he would be kind and let me go. I believe he saw the consistent damage he was causing me. He sent me an email that he loved me and his heart was breaking but he would leave me alone as he didn't know if he could ever change and he couldn't take the risk of ever seeing me hurt like that again.

 

The second one, I got tired after a few times of that same behavior and blocked him from all means of communication. He tried to contact me by showing up at my home and sending me emails through new email accounts but I ignored. After that first one, I wasn't going to do it again.

 

That is so sad about the first one. I can relate because that is the position I am in right now. I cried in his arms the other night and I think that's when I thought he realized enough is enough, he has to stop the back and forth. But he didn't stop. And a couple days later was back at it again. I'm not sure if he is even done yet after our fight on Wednesday, but he will soon find out I'm done for good this weekend.

[Zahara]

That is so sad about the first one. I can relate because that is the position I am in right now. I cried in his arms the other night and I think that's when I thought he realized enough is enough, he has to stop the back and forth. But he didn't stop. And a couple days later was back at it again. I'm not sure if he is even done yet after our fight on Wednesday, but he will soon find out I'm done for good this weekend.

 

They come back because it's a pattern. It's ingrained for them to do that. Based on their own emotions or whatever mess is going on in their head, they fail to see how much damage it's causing to the other person. They're driven by what they want and expect you to do the same. It's selfish really. Nobody should put up with that crap. Plus, as I was told, they also come back because the thought of losing you and having to start all over again with someone else, knowing that the same cycle is going to repeat itself i.e. drama, crying, break-up, etc. is a pain in the a**.

Edited December 13, 2013 by Zahara

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

They come back because it's a pattern. It's ingrained for them to do that. Based on their own emotions or whatever mess is going on in their head, they fail to see how much damage it's causing to the other person. They're driven by what they want and expect you to do the same. It's selfish really. Nobody should put up with that crap. Plus, as I was told, they come back because the thought of losing you and having to start all over again with someone else, knowing that the same cycle is going to take place i.e. drama, crying, break-up, etc. is a pain in the a**.

 

Weird thing is, he had several short relationships before me, lasting no longer than 2 months. He would always break up with them. But he never took them back. He never tried. That's what he told me. And his last serious relationship before me was 8 years ago, lasting 2 years.

 

But with me, he kept taking me back because he knew he was scared and was afraid he would make a mistake by losing me. He knew I understood his fears and was willing to work with him. He would tell me all that and then the next day he would say "it's not you, but I just feel like there is something else out there" Which hurt me because I felt like I wasn't good enough. He said that wasn't the case, but that we are two different people. After he said that, he would come back and say he misses me and before you know it we were on again.

 

So for awhile I thought I was special because he took me back...and he didn't take any of those other girls back.

 

 

So where do you get all your knowledge Zahara, did you read books and stuff? What books did you read?

[belinda22]

It is beyond helpful to read everyone's posts about their experiences. I am very much in the deep pain stage of this all. I am still hoping for my commitment phobe to snap out of it like he has all the times before. This time he is saying he can't come back unless he can be all in no matter how much he misses me or loves me. I feel liek someone told him he needed to stop, becasue I don;t think he all of a sudeen became unselfish. The no contact just stinks, because I know the avoidance is what is easiest for him, but hardest for me. If he avoids he does not have to feel. I guess part of what makes this so hard is that I bought a house and he moved in. Now I am left alone in the house. It also stinks that I treid everything, and was an amazing girlfriend to him, and he is the one who left me. I know it is because of his issues, but that doesn;t help me. We have done this song and dance so many times, but when he originally left to take a "break" this time he said his end goal was marriage. Then after reconnecting, being intimate, holding hands, having nice dinners, he split again, when it looked like he might be moving back in. Terrible confusion, that leaves you with so many unaswered questions.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

It is beyond helpful to read everyone's posts about their experiences. I am very much in the deep pain stage of this all. I am still hoping for my commitment phobe to snap out of it like he has all the times before. This time he is saying he can't come back unless he can be all in no matter how much he misses me or loves me. I feel liek someone told him he needed to stop, becasue I don;t think he all of a sudeen became unselfish. The no contact just stinks, because I know the avoidance is what is easiest for him, but hardest for me. If he avoids he does not have to feel. I guess part of what makes this so hard is that I bought a house and he moved in. Now I am left alone in the house. It also stinks that I treid everything, and was an amazing girlfriend to him, and he is the one who left me. I know it is because of his issues, but that doesn;t help me. We have done this song and dance so many times, but when he originally left to take a "break" this time he said his end goal was marriage. Then after reconnecting, being intimate, holding hands, having nice dinners, he split again, when it looked like he might be moving back in. Terrible confusion, that leaves you with so many unaswered questions.

 

At least yours wanted marriage. Mine was deathly afraid of even talking about that kind of commitment!!

 

He is doing the best thing for you, you should feel grateful. He is giving you the opportunity to find someone who can give you what you want and what you are looking for.

[belinda22]

Well I am not sure he wanted marriage. There were times he openly talked about marriage, our kids (we even named them), and our retirement in 30 years. We talked about wedding plans, and on "good" days he would be excited about marriage and family. He would say things like he wants his crowning achievement in life to be the family he has with me. But every time push comes to shove and it's time to actually act on it, he couldn't. And he ran. Always at the peak of our relationship. I am not sure if this time will be the same as the previous three times, but I am hoping so. He has made some progress, albeit at a snail's pace, but if he did cycle back around, I would suggest we go to counseling. He's on the "dark side" now as I like to call it, so nothing I suggest will help. The first time we broke up, he came back after seeing me with another guy. I don't knwo if thats what "snaps" them out of it- thinking that you have moved on and they've lost their control over you. It's terrible going through...

[Zahara]

Weird thing is, he had several short relationships before me, lasting no longer than 2 months. He would always break up with them. But he never took them back. He never tried. That's what he told me. And his last serious relationship before me was 8 years ago, lasting 2 years.

 

But with me, he kept taking me back because he knew he was scared and was afraid he would make a mistake by losing me. He knew I understood his fears and was willing to work with him. He would tell me all that and then the next day he would say "it's not you, but I just feel like there is something else out there" Which hurt me because I felt like I wasn't good enough. He said that wasn't the case, but that we are two different people. After he said that, he would come back and say he misses me and before you know it we were on again.

 

So for awhile I thought I was special because he took me back...and he didn't take any of those other girls back.

 

 

So where do you get all your knowledge Zahara, did you read books and stuff? What books did you read?

 

Mine had the short relationships as well. I think the only reason he came back to me was because I was always accepting him back. I don't think I was special, just available and willing to put up with it.

 

I went to therapy for a couple of years. That relationship sucked the life out of me. I remember my first visit and the therapist mentioned that most of her patients are caught in these types of relationships. It never gets better for the CP. And it's hard to break the cycle. Plus, my ex after a couple of years contacted me and he explained the whys and hows that were going on in his head with me, as well as just being in a relationship in general.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Mine had the short relationships as well. I think the only reason he came back to me was because I was always accepting him back. I don't think I was special, just available and willing to put up with it.

 

I went to therapy for a couple of years. That relationship sucked the life out of me. I remember my first visit and the therapist mentioned that most of her patients are caught in these types of relationships. It never gets better for the CP. And it's hard to break the cycle. Plus, my ex after a couple of years contacted me and he explained the whys and hows that were going on in his head with me, as well as just being in a relationship in general.

 

Oh, I know one of his ex gfs wanted him back, but he didn't want her back. They stayed friends for awhile until she recently got engaged. Good for her.

 

I can't believe he contacted you to tell you all of that. But I guess it was nice to understand it better. Wasn't that an awkward conversation?!

 

 

Well I am not sure he wanted marriage. There were times he openly talked about marriage, our kids (we even named them), and our retirement in 30 years. We talked about wedding plans, and on "good" days he would be excited about marriage and family. He would say things like he wants his crowning achievement in life to be the family he has with me. But every time push comes to shove and it's time to actually act on it, he couldn't. And he ran. Always at the peak of our relationship. I am not sure if this time will be the same as the previous three times, but I am hoping so. He has made some progress, albeit at a snail's pace, but if he did cycle back around, I would suggest we go to counseling. He's on the "dark side" now as I like to call it, so nothing I suggest will help. The first time we broke up, he came back after seeing me with another guy. I don't knwo if thats what "snaps" them out of it- thinking that you have moved on and they've lost their control over you. It's terrible going through...

 

Belinda,

 

You know what's funny is my ex recently sent me this article: Marriage Isn't for You | Seth Adam Smith

 

And as I read it I had a huge smile on my face because I thought he was changing and accepting marriage. I still don't understand why he sent me that article...he never said why. Maybe he had a moment.

 

About seeing another guy, that's exactly why my ex came back the last time. He got so jealous. It's like a territorial thing. He told me himself he gets possessive of me and it hurts him to see me talking to another man, even if it's just a friend. He gets overly JEALOUS. I don't really think that's a good thing...

 

They break up with you, but they don't want anyone else to have you. That's a big problem.

[Zahara]

Oh, I know one of his ex gfs wanted him back, but he didn't want her back. They stayed friends for awhile until she recently got engaged. Good for her.

 

I can't believe he contacted you to tell you all of that. But I guess it was nice to understand it better. Wasn't that an awkward conversation?!

.

 

He didn't contact me for that sole purpose. We saw each other in passing. Had some contact after that and talked about it all. It wasn't awkward at all. I was indifferent at that point and it was more informative than emotional for me. We've since then remained friends, and it's been years since that happened.