Is it wrong to want him to contact me?

[Denton2406]

Apologies but this is quite long! I met a guy on a night out in June, we hit it off and had a great connection but he told me straight away that he was married and had a 1.5 year old son. I would never have thought that I would get involved in this type of situation but he told me he wasn’t happy with his wife, they’d been together for 10 years, since they were 19, he loved her but wasn’t in love with her, they didn’t socialise together, didn’t speak at lot when at home in the evenings, and only had their son in common. We exchanged numbers and he started ringing and texting me the minute we left the club. We started an intense contact, mainly with him chasing me at the start and this continued for 6 weeks with him ringing me 2 or 3 times per day and speaking for an hour a day, texting all the time in between, plus face timing a few times. We had a great connection, got on so well, banter was brilliant, in fact I hadn’t really got on with a guy as well as that for years. There is quite a big age gap between us though, I am 47, he is 30, but neither of us were bothered about that. We met up on two occasions, nothing sexual happened, it was more of an emotional affair, although I am single. He always told me that things were not great with his wife, was always criticising her and putting her down. I did question where our relationship was going and he said just go with the flow and see what happened.

 

After 6 weeks he had a family bereavement and he cooled things slightly, but after a couple of weeks we were back in full contact again, but mainly texting daily, not speaking on the phone as much. Over the next few months we were always in contact, but he blew hot and cold, sometimes coming on strong, sometimes backing off. As he worked such long hours, Mon-Fri in his normal job and evenings and weekends in his private job we didn’t get to meet up again, but had planned to meet up in September on a night out with friends (he lived 50 miles from me) but didn’t actually get round to meeting due to my friend being ill and I couldn’t go. In October he had his 30th birthday party with friends and family and sent me a drunk text from his party late at night. I then didn’t hear from him for a few days, so I messaged him on whatsapp and asked how the party went. I didn’t get a response and saw a few hours later on whatsapp that he had blocked me. I called him and left a voicemail to ask if things were OK, didn’t get a response, so texted a couple of days later and said if he didn’t want to continue our friendship it would be nice if he could have told me rather than blocking me. Still no response. I then found out a couple of weeks later by doing a bit of searching on Facebook that his wife is pregnant and is due in Feb 2014, which means that she was almost 2 months pregnant when he met me in June. He never mentioned this to me at all. I emailed him saying that I knew why he'd cut contact and about his little secret about the baby. He called me and said his wife had found the drunken whatsapp message that he’d sent me from his party so he'd had to block me and they weren’t talking and he had to concentrate on sorting things out at home. I asked why he didn’t take 2 seconds to text and tell me but he said he had so much at home to sort out that he didn’t bother to contact me. I asked about the baby and he said that when he met me she wasn’t pregnant, I said that I knew she was and he admitted he had lied, as he didn’t want me to think that she was pregnant then. I told him that he shouldn't have led me on when she was pregnant. When we spoke we kind of left it open ended, with him saying he needed to spend the next few weeks seeing what happened at home, plus the little boy was only 1.5 and as she was pregnant he couldn’t leave her (not that I asked him to as I didn’t know him enough to want him to). I light-heartedly said I wouldn’t wait around for him and he jokingly said “bet you will, you’re a woman!” but at the time we both laughed, it wasn’t an angry conversation.

 

So that was 6 weeks ago and we’ve had no contact since. I really miss him and keep wishing he would contact me, even though I know in my mind that it wouldn’t be for the best. I just miss our intense contact and the laughs that we had and I feel empty without it. Their baby is due in about 6 weeks which hurts so much. It seems that he is living a lie though as we exchanged over 4000 texts, not just a handful, and he’d be sitting there next to her all night texting me. I’m not proud of myself for this, but I am single and had such a good connection with him that I went along with it but ended up falling for him. What do I do? Do I try to forget it and put it behind me (difficult so far) or do I contact him? I really want to get in touch, but think I risk hurting myself more. Its nearly 6 months since we met, and we’ve been in contact almost all of that time, apart from the last 6 weeks. It really hurts and I'm finding it so hard to get him out of my head.

[whichwayisup]

Do nothing. Do not reach out to him, stay in NC mode and let go. Grieve this loss, rid of any hope. The guy LIED to you, omitted truths and I'm telling you, he exaggerated the state of his marriage and the problems with his wife. Yes, he lied. Believe that! His actions show you this and the fact his wife is pregnant, was pregnant when you two met just shows what a fake and a deceiver he is. Not worthy of your time or effort.

 

He is NOT who you think he is, so you need to cut off that fantasy of him being a great guy and how you built him up in your head.

 

He is not leaving his wife, divorcing her ever. He is very married with a child on the way (or maybe 2nd or 3rd child, depends on how many he has now) and he's a real sh.t for allowing an affair to happen.

[whichwayisup]

I just miss our intense contact and the laughs that we had and I feel empty without it.

 

Keep busy and plug that hole he left. You miss how he made you feel, that passion, so find a new passion that gets your heart rate going! Be around friends and family who love and care about you.

You got addicted to the affair dynamic, the intensity of it all. It's that you miss and how he made you feel, not particularly him... The man you fell for does not exist.

[starryeyedsurprise]

Yes, yes, yes....the man you fell for does not exist, and if he did, look how he is treating you now. Here is the breakdown:

 

1 - married

2 - has a child at home and another on the way

3 - He is a liar

4 - He is a cheater

 

Anything else needed to be added on the list? Please don't settle for less. You deserve more than what he could have ever offered you. Yes, lonliness is palpable, but occupy your time with things that you love doing. Eventually the need to contact him or be contacted will go away.

[Snipercatt]

?yes, it is wrong of you to want him to contact you. Why? Because he is immature, and arrogant!

 

You chasing after him for an answer, when no contact is the answer he was giving you, and that you actually wnt this slug to contact you, points to low self esteem. Figure that out for yourself, the payoff will be worth it.

[blue963]

Stay away from him. When he attempts to contact you block him. If you are single, why play these games and make yourself miserable. Find someone who is single and make your life wonderful! Avoid all of this pain.

[elbe]

yeah, unfortunately you should have never let this guy in straight off the bat. He's committed to someone else so you pretty much did this to yourself. There is no chance of him contacting you if he is anything short of a good guy. I get that you want him to but it's just not going to happen.

[Denton2406]

Yeah I know I only have myself to blame really, but even though he is committed to someone else he led me to believe he wasn't and unfortunately I believed him, i was prob a bit naive and didnt play hard to get at all .... I have never been in this kind of situation before. Up until 2 months ago he was sitting all night long what sapping me while she was next to him....pregnant (without me knowing) so I can't see he will change his ways just like that. If he really loved his wife he wouldn't have needed to be in such intense contact with me. It hurts loads but I will get there. Just keep seeing pregnant women everywhere I look!

[SunshineToday]

If he really loved his wife he wouldn't have needed to be in such intense contact with me. !

 

Hey from someone who had been there, please don't think this happened because he doesn't love his wife. He could love his wife very much, he just didn't think his wife would ever find out. So who is he hurting, right? Ugh

 

You know he has a kid and one on the way. He and his wife are obviously having sex. Why in the heck would you want a man with that going on in real time.

 

Love yourself more.

[Popsicle]

Yeah I know I only have myself to blame really, but even though he is committed to someone else he led me to believe he wasn't and unfortunately I believed him, i was prob a bit naive and didnt play hard to get at all .... I have never been in this kind of situation before. Up until 2 months ago he was sitting all night long what sapping me while she was next to him....pregnant (without me knowing) so I can't see he will change his ways just like that. If he really loved his wife he wouldn't have needed to be in such intense contact with me. It hurts loads but I will get there. Just keep seeing pregnant women everywhere I look!

 

You're right, he doesn't love his wife, but he doesn't love you either. He just loves himself.

[Used mistress]

I have a similar story to yours except my MM was 10 yrs older than me and he went so far as to give me an expensive engagement ring because he had the money to do that. I have been now 40 + days no contact and it helps when you realize that NC is the best thing he could do for you. I found out that I setting a date in your head as to when you will tell yourself IT IS OVER I WILL NOT WAIT ANY LONGER AND MOVE ON helps also. It has to be a reasonable time frame also say a month or two is what I decided. Use this time to do the things you always wanted to do. Perhaps join a adventure group, meditation group, swimming lessons, whatever interests you that you just never got around to do. I found this very helpful because now that I have a date set in my head of when to let go completely, instead of sitting waiting for my phone to ring or get a text from him I have now filled this time productively and I am also not thinking about him and I am focused on myself discovering what I like and will put up with and not put up with. Also you are out there meeting new people and hey you never know. A new girlfriend could introduce you to a single friend, or you could meet a guy that is single and has same interests as you.

 

It helps if you try to pull the positive out of that negative relationship. MM pretty much tell you what you want to hear just to keep you. My MM was jealous and controlling texting every hour and if I didn't text back he would pull a guilt routine on me. So I realize now that wasn't normal behaviour. I have met someone at work whom I am just talking to now and he has been divorced since 2007 and he does not behave at all like the MM did, his behaviour is opposite and it feels a bit weird right now but a good weird. No jealousy or crazy texting.

 

I hope things go well for you and you can keep yourself occupied with something good for yourself and keep busy with activities that involve others. It really does make a difference in distancing yourself from thoughts of MM.

[Quiet Storm]

Yeah I know I only have myself to blame really, but even though he is committed to someone else he led me to believe he wasn't and unfortunately I believed him, i was prob a bit naive and didnt play hard to get at all .... I have never been in this kind of situation before. Up until 2 months ago he was sitting all night long what sapping me while she was next to him....pregnant (without me knowing) so I can't see he will change his ways just like that. If he really loved his wife he wouldn't have needed to be in such intense contact with me. It hurts loads but I will get there. Just keep seeing pregnant women everywhere I look!

 

He did all that before he got caught, though. Now that he was caught, you are a threat to his real life.

 

You used to be a benefit in his life, but now you are a liability.

 

Don't contact him. His marriage got boring, but this could be the catalyst that gets it back on track. Leave him alone, and find something else to fill the void. He didn't even call you to let you know- just blocked you. For such an emotional connection- he was not concerned with your feelings at all. All the hours spent texting didn't mean what you thought. He treated you like entertainment, and simply pushed a button and turned you off. This guy doesn't deserve one more minute of your thoughts. You should be angry and done with him, but you still want more. If you contact him, he will know that he can treat you bad and you will still want him.

[inappfriendly]

He did all that before he got caught, though. Now that he was caught, you are a threat to his real life.

 

You used to be a benefit in his life, but now you are a liability.

 

Don't contact him. His marriage got boring, but this could be the catalyst that gets it back on track. Leave him alone, and find something else to fill the void. He didn't even call you to let you know- just blocked you. For such an emotional connection- he was not concerned with your feelings at all. All the hours spent texting didn't mean what you thought. He treated you like entertainment, and simply pushed a button and turned you off. This guy doesn't deserve one more minute of your thoughts. You should be angry and done with him, but you still want more. If you contact him, he will know that he can treat you bad and you will still want him.

 

Sorry to hijack the thread but this really hit home for me.

Like a swift kick right in my emotional a-double-s. To be reduced to "liability" status after sharing what I truly felt was something real (as most OW I am sure do) is the killer pits. My head knows that NC is the right thing for everyone involved but the total lack of concern is what keeps the pain in my heart so raw.