Sub Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 I feel like other then the reasoning of the kids, I couldn't divorce solely based on no romance... You're most likely going to end up divorcing anyway, once all of this is revealed. What you're doing is losing your leverage when the time comes. It may be true that he's the one mostly responsible for the failings of your relationship. But you've just flipped the script, so to speak.
tiredofitall2 Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 I have done everything that I know to do..I love him, make time for him,set up dates for just him and I, meet him for lunch if the opportunity arises, Im there..like I said before, its him pulling away not me..Its been 4 years of the same thing, arguing behind closed doors going in circles about it. To this day, I still make attempts on a daily basis but nothing is given back...He shuts down during convos about it..?.. You don't love him. One doesn't hurt someone you love. Tell him what you have done and see what his reaction is. He might D you or he will realize he has neglected the R and fix the issues. But please tell him. If' you have no intention of changing your behaviour, move this dicussion to the OM/OW forum where you can find support from other unrepentant cheaters.
Zenstudent Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 This is such a sad, sad thread to read.... 1
atreides Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 @Zen Indeed this is a travesty.... @OP, First, a D does not equal 2 distant parents. I know a number of D'd couples and the kids are their priority. Quite the opposite of distant. You have already ended your M. You state, romance is not enough for D.... you have gone way beyond romance. You are too scared to let go of the stability to do a D and cheat your H out it by not giving him a choice. You don't sound remorseful to me, but if you truly knew what love is, you would confess and take the consequences. Who knows, you may just end up being even more liberated than you feel now. Then i have the distinct feeling you are after entertaining the hunt to see if your H has cheated... after all that just makes the pot all that more sweeter.. meh... As one post stated, this forum is going to be more harsh vs the OM/OW forum. I cannot condone or give positive feedback no matter your circumstance on how you feel. It's a travesty, because you have not only exponentially compounded your M problems but quite possibly sealed its fate.
Zenstudent Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 OP, the thread topic states that you really like this feeling. This is why you are in this situation, combined with the fact that haven't got the guts to speak to your husband about your desires. If you love your husband, and if these feelings are so fantastic that you need three other men to supply them to you, why don't you tell your husband that he should do the same thing - he might just like it too?
miguelcervantes Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 You are kidding us aren't you ? This has got to be a joke! You come to a website of the betrayed with your half of the story that kind of goes something like: "I went after a really good looking attractive man, got married, had kids, worked and then the marriage ran into problems. So I went onto AM, screwed around and I liked it (who wouldn't) and am pretty sure I will not get caught. Cannot say why I want to stay with my husband but lets say its for the kids, and by the way I want to rub all of your noses in it too". Wow! You really cannot see that, if this is true, your marriage is over and you would have a better time on the singles circuit (granted taboo fruit is always sweeter at first but not longer term). Get divorced for Christ's sake and move on, set your husband free and maybe not risk losing the respect of your kids. 4
twosadthings Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 You like the feeling. After your life is in shambles and you can't look anyone you love in the eye come back and tell us if the feeling you like now is worth the feelings you will be having then. Everything we do and say has consequences, not only for us but for all that we are connected to. Twosadthings 2
jnel921 Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Do you want to vent or do want some sound advice from those of us who have suffered because of the decisions of our WS? You are in this situation because you didn't fight for your M hard enough. If you want change you should have given your H the choice to stay or leave. Right now you are putting him at risk of STDs and if when he finds out there is no guarantee he will want to stay with you. I get you married young and for the most part may have been your one and only. In a marriage it's important to keep that flame burning. If you both for whatever reasons were having issues you needed to work on it at the time. Complaining does not fix your M. Having As with random men won't either. I am sure your kids would be dissapointed in you as well. The energy you are giving these guys should go to your H. He sound like a good guy and a great dad. Your problem was you needed attention. That was something that you and your H should have discussed and noted how it was affecting your marriage. It's a shame. All of us BS here have heard this nonsense. I always communicated to my h during our M before his infidelity that we needed to fix and improve our M. Problem was my WH was too busy listening to someone else and where do you think that got him? He is very lucky I decided to stay and R. But in the back of my mind and the pit of my heart there is always that hole where he stabbed me. It leaves a scar on the M. It's hurtful. 2
firststeps Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 There is never going to be justification or excuse for an affair. If you were not happy and couldn't or not willing to fix it then you leave the relationship. Engaging in an affair puts it all back on you.
BetrayedH Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 You know, I've always known that having a new romantic interest or sexual partner felt good. That's not complicated. But then I made conscious choice to give that up when I got married. If you've changed your mind, why be so disrespectful as to sneak around, lie, hide, deceive, and betray the one person in life who you vowed to protect? And the guy is just left continuing to dedicate himself to the one person that is stabbing him in the back. I guess some in affairs just focus intensely on the feel-good chemical rush and compartmentalize away unpleasant thoughts like this. It would appear that the same can be done with random posters on the internet. It really is sad to see it unfold right here. Such a mess is coming. The OP doesn't think so because, of course, she'll never get caught. The story is particularly sad because it sounds like the OP has been a responsible person her entire life. But if she wants to not be caught, she's going to have to go "all-in" on throwing all of that away and becoming a really thorough liar. People won't recognize her when she's done, including the kids. 2
Confused48 Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Lots of really great comments here. I hope the OP reads them but something tells me the OP has left the building. Can't face the truth. 2
Steadfast Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 I guess some in affairs just focus intensely on the feel-good chemical rush and compartmentalize away unpleasant thoughts like this. It would appear that the same can be done with random posters on the internet. It really is sad to see it unfold right here. Such a mess is coming. The OP doesn't think so because, of course, she'll never get caught. The story is particularly sad because it sounds like the OP has been a responsible person her entire life. But if she wants to not be caught, she's going to have to go "all-in" on throwing all of that away and becoming a really thorough liar. People won't recognize her when she's done, including the kids. Very well said kidd. This is the process, isn't it? One cannot happen without the other. It's inevitable. The cheater thinks they're escaping, but rather, they are digging the grave deeper. These 'positives' are really negatives, but the judgement is blinded by want. It's a hard thing to get back once it's gone. 1
BetrayedH Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 Very well said kidd. This is the process, isn't it? One cannot happen without the other. It's inevitable. The cheater thinks they're escaping, but rather, they are digging the grave deeper. These 'positives' are really negatives, but the judgement is blinded by want. It's a hard thing to get back once it's gone. Sounds just like my wife. Well, exwife, that is. 1
bubbaganoosh Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 During all of this, I just cant help but think..how did I get here, why am I here, but I am having so much fun and feel like a person finally that I will not look back..I just hope that someone else is out there that might have been in this type of situation or can relate and let me know your thoughts...I have no one to talk to obviously so venting here on this site is kind of nice.. OK. How much fun will it be when your busted. It's not a matter of "if" but "when" and you will get caught. Then your going to have to face the music. Think it will be fun when you have to face the kids? Your family? Friends? Think any of these one night stands are going to lend support? Hell, they got what they wanted so it doesn't matter to them if you caught. Old saying. Play with fire you get burned. If your not happy, then leave. Lots of people get divorced when their not happy. All your doing is living your lust filled life on your family's dime. One gets what one deserves.
whiterabbit46 Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 I've said this before, but it bares repeating: You're going to be found out. Cheaters always are. They think they're soooo clever, but sooner or later you're going to start feeling invincible and you'll take foolish chances. You're going to make some silly, careless mistake, then, it's all going to come out.....the whole sordid mess. Those of us on here who are familiar with the outcome of an affair know what you'll be facing, and it's not pretty no matter how you look at it. Men aren't stupid, no matter what some women believe. He'll start wondering what you're doing all those times you're not at home, and he'll put it all together. If your husband is such an unfeeling clod, divorce him. Don't let him find out that the woman he's loved all these years has become a slut. No matter if he's been truly faithful to you throughout your marriage, the courts will take him to the cleaners. Financially, you'll be just fine. Then, you can have all the meaningless empty sex you can handle with men who don't give a rat's rear about you and are just USING you for a roll in the hay. You can then go back to your empty apartment and lonely life andtry and scrub the filthy feelings away. Good luck with your future. You're going to need it. 1
janedoe67 Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 OP. if you posses any kind of conscience, this IS going to hit you one day....this pattern of lies and deceit and risky behavior and how it WILL (and already is) affect your H and children. BTW, you have betrayed them too - because your H is their dad. And I guarantee you that when you "get it," no amount of fun you think you are having right now will balance out the amount of disgust, shame, and loathing you will feel for the immoral and selfish woman you have become. I know because I have lived it. Stop now, come clean, work on yourself. And stop making other people's behavior and excuse for your own. 1
Steadfast Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 I think we sometimes forget that many cheat to punish their spouse. Resentment and anger build, and cheating is a way of hurting the spouse without direct confrontation. This is why cheaters are cowards. I'm not sure if this was true for you Jane, but it certainly was for my ex. The line between love and hate is thin. Are we still surprised when pleas made to the cheater on behalf of the betrayed are ignored? Duh. Are we still wondering how the person we're the closest to could hurt us so badly? One of the few meaningful talks I had with my ex addressed this. Although she couldn't (or wouldn't) say why, she admitted that her built up resentment towards me was a factor in her actions...both before and after the divorce. What she didn't count on was the depth of the pain she caused. Like a murderer who is shocked by the reality of their actions, her only recourse was to shift the blame. This devastated our already shell-shocked children and pounded my resolve. It's the old double-whammy. This is an old, old game. You'd think people would learn, but they don't.
sidney2718 Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 I have done everything that I know to do..I love him, make time for him,set up dates for just him and I, meet him for lunch if the opportunity arises, Im there..like I said before, its him pulling away not me..Its been 4 years of the same thing, arguing behind closed doors going in circles about it. To this day, I still make attempts on a daily basis but nothing is given back...He shuts down during convos about it..?.. First, it seems clear that children suffer in broken families. It does not matter if their parents are divorced or if they "stay together for the children". Some thrive, most survive, and a few come apart. That seems to be the way it is. So my advice would be for you NOT to stay in this marriage. It has already exploded, and while I have no appetite to blame you for seeking outside comfort in a sexless marriage, I also can't say that you did the right thing. Find a good divorce lawyer and talk to her or him. Find out what happens in your state in a divorce. Then start thinking seriously about custody issues, supporting two dwellings, and so on. And yes, at some point you will probably have to come clean to your husband. But see a lawyer first. I say this because many men (I obviously don't know about your husband) take a proprietary view of their wives and having sex with another man is a direct challenge to his manhood, even if he's not been interested in sex with you. You are his, and nothing can change that. Of course I hope that your husband isn't that way, but you can't know until D-day.
curiousGeorge2 Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 op you are facing a tough crowd, which consists of mostly betrayed spouses, so their reaction are no surprising. I have not cheated but I believe a sex-less marriage is not monogamy, it is a nonogamy. A spouse who chooses to neglect the SO already voids the marriage contract in the 1st place. There is no excuse for withholding by one partner unless there is a medical reason. If there is a medical reason, then a solution acceptable to both parties should be found.
stillafool Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 TY...thought of that, but not sure..Do not know if he is faithful, at this point in our lives, I just do not know... Do you care if your husband has a secret affair on the side too? BTW you should be in the other woman section. They have more in common for your situaiton.
Realist3 Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 You are kidding us aren't you ? This has got to be a joke! You come to a website of the betrayed with your half of the story that kind of goes something like: "I went after a really good looking attractive man, got married, had kids, worked and then the marriage ran into problems. So I went onto AM, screwed around and I liked it (who wouldn't) and am pretty sure I will not get caught. Cannot say why I want to stay with my husband but lets say its for the kids, and by the way I want to rub all of your noses in it too". Wow! You really cannot see that, if this is true, your marriage is over and you would have a better time on the singles circuit (granted taboo fruit is always sweeter at first but not longer term). Get divorced for Christ's sake and move on, set your husband free and maybe not risk losing the respect of your kids. You have something very wrong here. This is not a board owned by the betrayed even though some of them think it is. She is free to post here just like everyone else. Some BS's may not like it, but that really doesn't matter. OP, You said something about finding the long term AP, and I think you will definitely have to pick one. My advice... pick one that is married. Pick the one that is the most emotionally stable. If you drag two of the three on too long your risk increases exponentially of revenge.
Steadfast Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 ...I believe a sex-less marriage is not monogamy, it is a nonogamy. A spouse who chooses to neglect the SO already voids the marriage contract in the 1st place. This is absolutely true. But no matter who the advice comes from, two wrongs never make a right. op you are facing a tough crowd, which consists of mostly betrayed spouses, so their reaction are no surprising That's your opinion. IMO, you're full of $hit. Stating someone is incapable of offering sound advice because of their past is a judgement impossible for you to make. You automatically assume those here are bitter or vengeful. That says more to your viewpoint.
Sunny_Girl Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 OP, have you ever thought, maybe your BS is also seeking comfort outside of the marriage?
whiterabbit46 Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 I'm sorry if my original post came off as totally unfeeling. I am seriously worried about what could conceivably happen to you, not only emotionally, but also physically. These other men you are considering meeting (or have already met) for sex. What do you really know about them? What kind of people are they? Married with children? Have you considered that some of them might prove to be violent and dangerous? You're playing a very dangerous game of your own, filled with uncertainties and perils. Not only is your marriage at stake, your own life and health may be as well. If the sex is unprotected, what then? STD's? Pregnancy?!!!! Please consider what you're doing! YOU know it's not right. Divorce if you must, then and only then dive back into the dating world. Do this the right way and you'll be able to respect the woman you know you are in your heart. The best of luck in your decision. WhiteRabbit
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