Do actions always speak louder than words?

[lamaga]

I've been on 6 wonderful dates with a guy who I am honestly developing feelings for. He slept over once at my house and I told him that "I like having him here". He didm' respond. He is always sweet, putting his arm around me in public, buying me drinks and inviting me for dates, surprising me by standing in front of my door and asking if I want to go for a walk, all these things. But he never "says" things like "I like you" or "i would like for this to be more" or stuff like that.

I've always been with guys who at some point voiced their feelings for me, but this guy just is super non-vocal about his feelings for me, and I am starting to wonder if he even has any? We are seriously acting as if we are in a relationship, the only thing that's missing is somebody saying something of the like.

 

Should I make a step and tell him I like him? Or should I just keep waiting?

 

I guess I don't want things to move too fast, but what's wrong with saying you like someone if you do so?

[Eternal Sunshine]

No. In my experience actions and words need to align.

 

I don't really see anything negative in your situation except that the guy seems like he is not emotionally expressive. Don't be afraid to have some sort of conversation about your "status". If he really likes you, it won't scare him off.

[Woop1337]

Yes, actions speak louder than words.

[fujidabruin]

I agree with Eternal Sunshine. Hopefully, you will have a focused discussion with this guy and not be concerned that you are scaring him off. If your feelings are not mutual, better to know sooner than later.

 

Sounds like he is into you by his actions but, I believe a great relationship equates with great communication. If he is the strong, quiet type..... you may need to initiate the conversation. Try to be open and positive and hopefully his door opens wide.

 

Good Luck to you Lamaga

[Softie]

Actions do speak louder in my experience.

 

Words come easily but actions will always tell you what you need to know.

[BikerAccnt]

Actions speak louder than words, but words matter too. He may not be expressive. It used to be very common for men to be non-expressive.

 

It used to be men showed their love, they didn't say it. I know that my Father never told my mother how much he loved her, until he was dying. Yet, it was clear how very much he did through all his life.

 

Have a conversation with him, tell him what you're feeling, and tell him you like to hear how he feels too. From the sounds of things, I don't think you'll scare him off.

[lamaga]

Thanks you guys. I believe so too, yet every time he starts to be word scarce in text messages I start to doubt, which i shouldn't cause the next moment he will stand in front of my door and smile and surprise me with something.

He seems very thankful for the nice things I do for him as well and I feel we have a great connection and that he likes my advances (cooking fancy dinner for him in a sexy dress, he was so amazed, couldn't believe what hit him). So, yeah, I definitely think if he wasn't into me, even these things would scare him off.

 

I have just no clue how to approach this situation. What do I say? I am so out of practice with these things... :/

[soccerrprp]

Generally speaking, actions are much more meaningful than words. BUT, I am also a believer that words should accompany the actions sooner or later.

 

I should also like to inject that people are quite capable of "showing" you that they're into you and guard against expressing it verbally. For some people, the verbal expression is like the signature on a contract or the wedding in a long relationship. The verbal expression, in a sense, seals the deal. It's the John Hancock of one's true and decided feelings for you.

 

He clearly likes you by his actions, no? But perhaps he's trying to figure out whether there's more.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Thanks you guys. I believe so too, yet every time he starts to be word scarce in text messages I start to doubt, which i shouldn't cause the next moment he will stand in front of my door and smile and surprise me with something.

He seems very thankful for the nice things I do for him as well and I feel we have a great connection and that he likes my advances (cooking fancy dinner for him in a sexy dress, he was so amazed, couldn't believe what hit him). So, yeah, I definitely think if he wasn't into me, even these things would scare him off.

 

I have just no clue how to approach this situation. What do I say? I am so out of practice with these things... :/

 

Just ask him an open ended question: "how do you feel about me?"

 

Leave it at that. I'm usually a bigger advocate for actions than words but at 6 dates in, you need to know where you stand. Have you had the talk about not dating others for the time being to explore the possibility of a potential relationship?

 

You definitely need to know where you stand though; some men are very good at romancing but that does not always equal full fledged commitment.

[lamaga]

Just ask him an open ended question: "how do you feel about me?"

 

Leave it at that. I'm usually a bigger advocate for actions than words but at 6 dates in, you need to know where you stand. Have you had the talk about not dating others for the time being to explore the possibility of a potential relationship?

 

You definitely need to know where you stand though; some men are very good at romancing but that does not always equal full fledged commitment.

 

We are intimate and he asked me two days ago if I am on the pill, because he'd like to not use protection. I didn't elaborate on it, because I am not on the pill (looking for alternatives), but i'd like that too, and, of course i'd ask him to get tested etc., next time we get intimate. Anyway, on top of all that, I wonder if any guy just goes about sleeping with no protection with girls, or if that means for him we are 'exclusive'?

[soccerrprp]

So, you've already had unprotected sex? His asking whether you were on the pill is a little odd considering you two had no previous conversation about it. Sex is not a true indication of exclusivity at all. I'm surprised you didn't talk about this before getting intimate. Ask, no, tell him to get tested now, again. Don't take his word that he is clean. Ask him to show you the last time he had a test. Should be easy to do.

[carhill]

It's six dates and you're wondering if there's 'more' to his feelings. IMO, he's square on target. The best and most experienced of male lovers and husbands will walk a fine line between giving a woman what she wants and holding back just a bit to keep her interested and wondering. This keeps him on her mind. I'd say, so far, this guy is doing well. Watch his actions and words if/when you discuss this with him. It's really good information.

 

If you're not sufficiently attracted, you'll lose interest and move on. That's OK. Right now, it appears you sufficiently attracted. Go with that and see what happens. To put it in perspective, I've had the same door for nearly 30 years and have never seen a woman standing in front of it unannounced, all through LTR's and being married. You're dating one guy for six dates. I'd say you're doing something pretty right. Good luck.

[Mrlonelyone]

If love is a battlefield the person to ask is a general-president.

 

Don't listen to what the Communists say, but look at what they do.

Nguyen Van Thieu- President, Republic of Vietnam (South Vietnam).

 

Go with the actions.

[WhiteButton]

Dont expect much from this guy that early in the game. We know from experience that opening up to girls early is a recepie for disester. Enjoy the moment - as far as i can see he is doing everything right and you seem to be falling for him.

 

Having said that if this is something that is bothering you then bring it up with him in a nice way dont be forecful etc. Also it could be that he has hard time expressing feelings but that doesnt mean that he doesnt have them for you. I am the same way, not sure why that is, its really difficult for me to express my feelings but i have them! Good luck!

[lamaga]

Dont expect much from this guy that early in the game. We know from experience that opening up to girls early is a recepie for disester. Enjoy the moment - as far as i can see he is doing everything right and you seem to be falling for him.

 

Having said that if this is something that is bothering you then bring it up with him in a nice way dont be forecful etc. Also it could be that he has hard time expressing feelings but that doesnt mean that he doesnt have them for you. I am the same way, not sure why that is, its really difficult for me to express my feelings but i have them! Good luck!

 

I see. It's just very difficult to figure out if he is serious about me or not. I am bad at being in the grey zone, and often either invest too much or too little when falling for someone, especially early on in the relationship.

I feel i've done enough and it is his turn to do something.

Do I just wait or should i be more 'assertive'?

And how do you bring such a thing up without sounding forceful?

[soccerrprp]

I have no doubt that guys like WhiteButton describes exist. As there are women like that as well, but I personally have no problem telling a woman if I "like" them early on. LIKE.

 

Don't be assertive. It's a little early yet. Again, he may be figuring things out before he's comfortable expressing himself verbally.

[truth_seeker]

Absolutely. Everybody talks... but how many can back it up?

[lamaga]

I have no doubt that guys like WhiteButton describes exist. As there are women like that as well, but I personally have no problem telling a woman if I "like" them early on. LIKE.

 

Don't be assertive. It's a little early yet. Again, he may be figuring things out before he's comfortable expressing himself verbally.

 

 

Alright, I will be accepting of staying in the dark for a bit while longer, just to not scare him away and see if he makes further advances - even vocal ones.

[nomadic_butterfly]

We are intimate and he asked me two days ago if I am on the pill, because he'd like to not use protection. I didn't elaborate on it, because I am not on the pill (looking for alternatives), but i'd like that too, and, of course i'd ask him to get tested etc., next time we get intimate. Anyway, on top of all that, I wonder if any guy just goes about sleeping with no protection with girls, or if that means for him we are 'exclusive'?

 

Wow..well unless you just wanted FWB the order is kinda skewed. Before engaging in sex (unprotected at that), didn't you want to know if he was boning other chicks? That would be one of my first questions; ESPECIALLY if it were unprotected. Personally, I think it is too soon to not be using protection. To me, that is reserved for people who know each other thoroughly and have been dating for a while. It is too risky! Have you ever seen "blue waffle" the STD? Google it? Herpes, HIV, I don't know physically and emotionally sounds like you are a risk taker.

 

But anyway that is neither here nor there; BEFORE you sleep with him again you need to know if he is bedding other women and you should see his test results. You cannot throw caution to the wind when it is your life you might be playing with. You sound like a nice girl so just be really smart about things. I'd personally be put off by a guy who barely knows me wanting to go bare with me. I'd wonder how many other women he does that with.

[verhrzn]

Oo him wanting to ditch protection before you guys are exclusive throws up a red flag for me. It's one thing if you have agreed to be sexually exclusive and then the protection conversation comes up. But having the two conversations too close together (like, you just started sleeping together) makes it seem rather suspect to me.

 

All right, I also have to admit, I've seen a couple of your threads, and I've got to wonder... it seems like there is a lot of security or communication lacking. Trust me, I know exactly how you feel. The beginnings of dating drives me crazy! But it kind of seems like things are progressing really fast without any kind of stability or discussion. It seems to me that you are trying to be the "cool girl" who doesn't make waves, and just hopes and prays things work out.

 

Take it from me, that is not worth it! There's nothing wrong with finding that place of security and confidence in yourself that says "Hey Jerk Brain, shut up about needing so much certainty!" but only if that's how you authentically feel. If you are just burying your needs because you're worried you'll scare him or chase him away, you're just kicking the can of Break-Up for further down the road.

 

To quote Elliot Reed, the crazy always comes out. The longer you try to hide it, the bigger the volcano it becomes.

 

Now if you are cool with the pace and the level of communication/security, awesome (or if you are cool with it and occasionally struggle with moments of uncertainty, congrats, you are human!) I guess I'm just getting the impression that isn't where you authentically, generally are, on the whole. Sorry if that's speaking out of turn.

[lamaga]

Oo him wanting to ditch protection before you guys are exclusive throws up a red flag for me. It's one thing if you have agreed to be sexually exclusive and then the protection conversation comes up. But having the two conversations too close together (like, you just started sleeping together) makes it seem rather suspect to me.

 

All right, I also have to admit, I've seen a couple of your threads, and I've got to wonder... it seems like there is a lot of security or communication lacking. Trust me, I know exactly how you feel. The beginnings of dating drives me crazy! But it kind of seems like things are progressing really fast without any kind of stability or discussion. It seems to me that you are trying to be the "cool girl" who doesn't make waves, and just hopes and prays things work out.

 

Take it from me, that is not worth it! There's nothing wrong with finding that place of security and confidence in yourself that says "Hey Jerk Brain, shut up about needing so much certainty!" but only if that's how you authentically feel. If you are just burying your needs because you're worried you'll scare him or chase him away, you're just kicking the can of Break-Up for further down the road.

 

To quote Elliot Reed, the crazy always comes out. The longer you try to hide it, the bigger the volcano it becomes.

 

Now if you are cool with the pace and the level of communication/security, awesome (or if you are cool with it and occasionally struggle with moments of uncertainty, congrats, you are human!) I guess I'm just getting the impression that isn't where you authentically, generally are, on the whole. Sorry if that's speaking out of turn.

 

 

No, you are partially right. I am generally a very confident person and I know what I want and who I am etc. But I have never dated like this before, because I've been in a few long term relationships which always resulted out of 'love of first sight' kind of situations or just progressed at a weird, different pace.

 

This is supposed to be a healthy way of doing things and I make it too complex by worrying too much about everything.

 

We haven't had unprotected sex but he told me that he'd like to.

In hindsight, I should have asked right away "Sorry, but are you screwing anybody else? because I am not, and if you are, then I won't want to do any of this any more" but I didn't, because I was HIGH ON THE EMOTIONS I had in that moment, which was feeling happy and connected to him.

So, I do these things wrong at times and then later could really hit my head against the wall (not literally), for the things I said, or in this case, have not said.

 

I guess at this point I will just do nothing and see what comes from his side, and the next time we get remotely close to taking each other's clothes off, I will just speak my truth.

[lamaga]

Wow..well unless you just wanted FWB the order is kinda skewed. Before engaging in sex (unprotected at that), didn't you want to know if he was boning other chicks? That would be one of my first questions; ESPECIALLY if it were unprotected. Personally, I think it is too soon to not be using protection. To me, that is reserved for people who know each other thoroughly and have been dating for a while. It is too risky! Have you ever seen "blue waffle" the STD? Google it? Herpes, HIV, I don't know physically and emotionally sounds like you are a risk taker.

 

But anyway that is neither here nor there; BEFORE you sleep with him again you need to know if he is bedding other women and you should see his test results. You cannot throw caution to the wind when it is your life you might be playing with. You sound like a nice girl so just be really smart about things. I'd personally be put off by a guy who barely knows me wanting to go bare with me. I'd wonder how many other women he does that with.

 

YES i want to know if he is boning other chicks.

i guess my intuition told me he isn't to be honest, we are both in finals stress, and he is always at the library and when not, he is with me, so i doubt he will be boning anyone else... i think i'd know, somehow. but yeah, if he, somehow, was boning other chicks, i'd be pissed. and i haven't thought about it, to be honest, but now it comes to mind that i should perhaps ask him this, especially before we even have the 'unprotected sex' talk, which will be painful, i guess (ask him to get tested and, of course, i need to start taking some contraception thingy)...

uhrg...

 

i doubt we are FWB, by the way, he seems way too attached for that.

[Under The Radar]

He's into you and I doubt he's seeing other women. Like you said, I'd have a conversation about it the next time you two are getting ready to be intimate.

 

And yes, generally speaking, actions do speak louder than words.

[verhrzn]

 

This is supposed to be a healthy way of doing things and I make it too complex by worrying too much about everything.

 

Healthy is relative. There is no one, "healthy" way to do things. The "healthiest" way to do things is in a way that's true and authentic to your best self. By best self, I mean that there's nothing wrong with the pace and actions you're doing, IF you feel comfortable with except for the occasional bout of insecurity. But constantly telling yourself "not to worry", "not to rush", "what about X, Y and Z" sounds kind of like an emotional roller coaster that doesn't strike me as what you actually want to be doing.

 

Okay, example. I and my ex are currently rebuilding a trust and a better foundation for the possibility of a relationship in the future. Essentially, we're "casually dating" each other. We've talked about sexual exclusivity, but he might be dating other girls. I do not know, and I have no desire to ask. But me not wanting to ask if not due to being afraid that I'll chase him away with my neediness.... It's that I genuinely feel we are not ready to be in a committed relationship yet. It's about how I feel, and how I want to play it.

 

Do I feel occasionally insecure about the fact that he might be dating around, especially since I am not? Yes. But on the whole, I really enjoy where we currently are, and I feel things are progressing in a way that works for me. Don't get me wrong, his feelings are important too.... But if I was just doing this to appease him, or to get that gold medal at the end of the finish line-in other words, if I wasn't acting from a place of what I need and what I am comfortable with-the relationship is really doomed.

 

Ask yourself why you are consistently saying you need to stop worrying. Ask yourself why you can't stop worrying. Is it because you aren't acting from a place of genuine care for yourself? Are you ignoring your own needs? Is the relationship, as it is, right now, what you want? If not, that's what you need to examine. Not trying to read his mind or guess his intentions from the tea leaves. You need to get inside your own mind first.

[lamaga]

Healthy is relative. There is no one, "healthy" way to do things. The "healthiest" way to do things is in a way that's true and authentic to your best self. By best self, I mean that there's nothing wrong with the pace and actions you're doing, IF you feel comfortable with except for the occasional bout of insecurity. But constantly telling yourself "not to worry", "not to rush", "what about X, Y and Z" sounds kind of like an emotional roller coaster that doesn't strike me as what you actually want to be doing.

 

Okay, example. I and my ex are currently rebuilding a trust and a better foundation for the possibility of a relationship in the future. Essentially, we're "casually dating" each other. We've talked about sexual exclusivity, but he might be dating other girls. I do not know, and I have no desire to ask. But me not wanting to ask if not due to being afraid that I'll chase him away with my neediness.... It's that I genuinely feel we are not ready to be in a committed relationship yet. It's about how I feel, and how I want to play it.

 

Do I feel occasionally insecure about the fact that he might be dating around, especially since I am not? Yes. But on the whole, I really enjoy where we currently are, and I feel things are progressing in a way that works for me. Don't get me wrong, his feelings are important too.... But if I was just doing this to appease him, or to get that gold medal at the end of the finish line-in other words, if I wasn't acting from a place of what I need and what I am comfortable with-the relationship is really doomed.

 

Ask yourself why you are consistently saying you need to stop worrying. Ask yourself why you can't stop worrying. Is it because you aren't acting from a place of genuine care for yourself? Are you ignoring your own needs? Is the relationship, as it is, right now, what you want? If not, that's what you need to examine. Not trying to read his mind or guess his intentions from the tea leaves. You need to get inside your own mind first.

 

 

 

I guess I need to start voicing what it is I really want.

I asked him today if I am the only one he is sleeping with, he said yes.

I feel like an idiot, because I asked it in a bad moment (shortly before he had to go to an exam). He also invited me to go with him to one of his friend's birthday parties tomorrow, and I would take that as him introducing me to his friend circle? I guess that's good?