Have you ever broken up with someone you're still in love with?

December 12, 2013

Things with my partner of two and a bit years have been pretty rough in the past few months and have taken an even bigger turn for the worse due to some poor decisions on my behalf...

... but in spite of everything, the thought of ending things with him just tears me up inside because I am still crazy about him. I cannot even begin to imagine what life would be like without him and not being involved in his life in some way.

So it's made me wonder if it is even possible to end things with someone you are still in love with? Have any of you had to make this decision in the past? How did you do it? How did you cope and did you end up going back?

I've been starting to wonder if it's really him I can't live without... or if it's some other reason that is stopping me. The fear of being alone perhaps? I don't know. But every time we have come close to breaking up (take this afternoon for example) I completely break down.

December 12, 2013

If you're really still in love with him, why walk away instead of trying to make it work?

December 12, 2013

^exactly.

OP what poor decisions?

December 12, 2013

I disagree with saying, "If you're still in love, why walk away?" I left my last girlfriend, even though I still was (and still am) deeply in love with her, because of the fact that she left me three times in a year and a half. With a behavior pattern like that, I'm sorry, but love isn't enough for me. At some point I needed to have a little self-respect, and stop letting her come and go while always expecting me to be there waiting with open arms. Her leaving, no matter her reasons, was a break in trust in the relationship, something I didn't feel I could overcome anymore. Maybe I'm nuts, but I do want a wife and family someday, and when I asked myself, "Can I see this girl by my side, through good times and bad, five, ten, or even twenty years from now?" the answer was no. Her previous relationship was the same way, on-and-off.

I eventually became embarrassed, becoming a joke to my friends and family, with the on-off pattern. I'd rather be with someone I can depend on, someone I can be proud of. It's sad, gets me down, thinking of the potential that was there. We could have had it all, so to speak, but it just wasn't meant to be, apparently. I miss her and think about her everyday, would love to contact her, but it'd be selfish and pointless, as I know ultimately I could never trust her completely again, and I'd only be looking for an ego stroke, which at this point, I probably wouldn't get. In her mind, I'm the bad guy, the one who gave up and walked away, even though my reason was because she did the exact same thing 3 times prior to my ever doing it once.

(Sorry, not sure if that helped. I guess it maybe turned into a rant...)

December 12, 2013

I was with a guy for 12 years & loved him dearly but every day that passed when we still weren't married it broke my heart just a little bit more each day. I finally realized he was never going to marry me & that's when I finally had the courage to walk away.

December 12, 2013

I was with a guy for 12 years & loved him dearly but every day that passed when we still weren't married it broke my heart just a little bit more each day. I finally realized he was never going to marry me & that's when I finally had the courage to walk away.

Wow, that would take a lot of courage.

Obviously, since you are married to the man with 5 tattoos, () it ultimately worked out.

I can certainly imagine how difficult it would be to become single again, after twelve years, without knowing if you'd ever meet the right person for you.

December 12, 2013

Is there really such a thing as a perfect relationship... or is it better to stick with the one u love but work on the parts that arent so good (obv not cheating, abuse etc)... ? x

December 12, 2013

Is there really such a thing as a perfect relationship... or is it better to stick with the one u love but work on the parts that arent so good (obv not cheating, abuse etc)... ? x

If you love the person & more things are good then bad & the bad things are not the serious ones you mentioned, yes, I think it's better to work on the relationship. There will be days when you are unhappy but that doesn't mean the whole relationship is over.

December 12, 2013

Without a doubt, these are the most brutal of break-ups, especially if both parties still love each other. I used to wonder how this was even possible, if love was still strong from both sides. Sometimes it just isn't enough.

Think very carefully before you finally give up on it. Talk, talk, and then talk some more. Walking away from a relationship, where your final conversation is how much you both love each other, is extremely difficult to recover from.

Bar infidelity, and physical violence, a solution can be found for most problems. If it's a marriage/wanting children issue, this can be very difficult, but not insurmountable.

December 12, 2013

Love isn't ever supposed to hurt. Love will be hard, but it will never hurt. If you are more hurt than you are happy, you are making the right decision to leave.

December 12, 2013

Without a doubt, these are the most brutal of break-ups, especially if both parties still love each other. I used to wonder how this was even possible, if love was still strong from both sides. Sometimes it just isn't enough.

Think very carefully before you finally give up on it. Talk, talk, and then talk some more. Walking away from a relationship, where your final conversation is how much you both love each other, is extremely difficult to recover from.

Bar infidelity, and physical violence, a solution can be found for most problems. If it's a marriage/wanting children issue, this can be very difficult, but not insurmountable.

No kidding.

Sometimes life gets in the way, things fall through the cracks, things change, circumstances intrude, attraction fades, or something else arises that causes the relationship to end even though there's still a hefty amount of attachment...and breaking up in these cases is absolutely brutal.

I think most people do the "thinking very carefully" part, but forget about the "talking" part...at least until it's too late. They'll continue to think, and over-think, wait until things are at critical mass, and then they'll walk away because they need to relieve the anxiety they feel from that that obsessive thinking.

Relationships shouldn't be constantly difficult, but they all hit bumps, rifts and lulls unless both parties are constantly on their A-game. I sort've get the feeling that no one knows how to TALK and TRY anymore.

But, the point remains - sometimes love just isn't enough.

December 12, 2013

Love isn't ever supposed to hurt. Love will be hard, but it will never hurt. If you are more hurt than you are happy, you are making the right decision to leave.

Eh. Yes and no.

Loving someone means that you're making yourself vulnerable enough to them to let them hurt you.

They never should intentionally, but mistakes happen and no one will ever meet ALL our expectations.

Love is giving someone the ability to hurt you, but trusting them not to. Doesn't mean it doesn't ever happen.

If it hurts more than you're happy, and you've tried to fix it with overt communication and it's just not changing, then leaving it the only choice.

December 13, 2013

If you're really still in love with him, why walk away instead of trying to make it work?

Because I've been trying to 'make it work' for a long time now and I'm still not happy.

He is jealous, possessive, belittling, unsupportive...

Our long-term goals are at complete odds and so are our current goals, beliefs, values...

But in spite of all that, I'm still madly in love with him. Think that says more about me than it does about him :/

December 13, 2013

^exactly.

OP what poor decisions?

See my post 'What have I done?' in the 'General Relationships' section...

December 13, 2013

Without a doubt, these are the most brutal of break-ups, especially if both parties still love each other. I used to wonder how this was even possible, if love was still strong from both sides. Sometimes it just isn't enough.

Think very carefully before you finally give up on it. Talk, talk, and then talk some more. Walking away from a relationship, where your final conversation is how much you both love each other, is extremely difficult to recover from.

Bar infidelity, and physical violence, a solution can be found for most problems. If it's a marriage/wanting children issue, this can be very difficult, but not insurmountable.

Your last sentence is one of the issues we are facing. I don't want kids or marriage. He does. Then again, I am 23 and I've been told my feelings on this matter will probably change in a few years, but right now I am adament I want none of that.

I grew up in a very domestically-violent household. It destroyed my trust or faith in relationships. So to be completely honest, I've never believed relationships could last where both parties are truly happy. But then looking at my SO, his parents have been married 30 years now and seem pretty content. And that's what he wants.

Communciation has always been a struggle point for us. He doesn't know how to. I've tried so many times to have proper talks with him, but he just completely shuts down, becomes defensive, etc. It never works.

It's just so hard. I drove home in tears yesterday because we were going to have a 'chat' and I was sure we were going to break up. I keep trying to remind myself of all the things that have made me miserable in the past few months and why breaking up was the right thing to do, but as soon as I got home and saw him, I just caved. I was so upset and everything I had been telling myself I just forgot. All I wanted was to be with him.

I just can't make a decision and stick to it it seems :/

December 13, 2013

Because I've been trying to 'make it work' for a long time now and I'm still not happy.

He is jealous, possessive, belittling, unsupportive...

Our long-term goals are at complete odds and so are our current goals, beliefs, values...

But in spite of all that, I'm still madly in love with him. Think that says more about me than it does about him :/

Sounds somewhat like what I went through. She wasn't jealous, possessive, belittling, etc, but she just did her own thing. Booked trips alone, never invited me to family functions...heck, I don't even know that she told people she was seeing anyone sometimes. Regardless, our long-term goals, views on money, family, and values/beliefs, all didn't match up. That's a recipe for disaster, and we butted heads all the time.

Did (or maybe do?) we love eachother? Yep, but people can only try to make things work for so long while not getting results they want before the towel is thrown in...sometimes despite love, two people can be too different to work, long term.

December 13, 2013

Sounds somewhat like what I went through. She wasn't jealous, possessive, belittling, etc, but she just did her own thing. Booked trips alone, never invited me to family functions...heck, I don't even know that she told people she was seeing anyone sometimes. Regardless, our long-term goals, views on money, family, and values/beliefs, all didn't match up. That's a recipe for disaster, and we butted heads all the time.

Did (or maybe do?) we love eachother? Yep, but people can only try to make things work for so long while not getting results they want before the towel is thrown in...sometimes despite love, two people can be too different to work, long term.

The thing is, he keeps wanting me to compromise. He says I don't do it enough and that I'm always thinking of myself. This has stemmed from the fact that I am desperate to get a new job and go traveling. I have never been someone who likes staying in the one spot for too long. I love to move around, challenge myself, meet new people, try new things, etc.

But my SO wants to stay put. At least for the time being. He wants to keep working where we are for the next 2-3 years, save money, then take a year off to travel, etc. But the thought of 'staying put' for a few more years just sounds bloody awful to me right now.

So I tell him this and he gets upset because I refuse to compromise... but it's tough because I keep thinking he wants me to put my life on hold for him... at 23??!

And it doesn't make it easy that all my friends and family think I should leave him. My brother described him the other day as my 'ball and chain' and that I can't do anything with him. It certainly feels like that sometimes. But if I do end things, I want to make that decision myself, but it's so hard when I have all these opinions being thrown at me...

Sorry. Another rant. I hate this so much.

December 13, 2013

The thing is, he keeps wanting me to compromise. He says I don't do it enough and that I'm always thinking of myself. This has stemmed from the fact that I am desperate to get a new job and go traveling. I have never been someone who likes staying in the one spot for too long. I love to move around, challenge myself, meet new people, try new things, etc.

But my SO wants to stay put. At least for the time being. He wants to keep working where we are for the next 2-3 years, save money, then take a year off to travel, etc. But the thought of 'staying put' for a few more years just sounds bloody awful to me right now.

So I tell him this and he gets upset because I refuse to compromise... but it's tough because I keep thinking he wants me to put my life on hold for him... at 23??!

And it doesn't make it easy that all my friends and family think I should leave him. My brother described him the other day as my 'ball and chain' and that I can't do anything with him. It certainly feels like that sometimes. But if I do end things, I want to make that decision myself, but it's so hard when I have all these opinions being thrown at me...

Sorry. Another rant. I hate this so much.

After reading this, I can relate...to him. I'm 27 in 3 weeks, my ex turned 24 in July. When we met over a year a half ago, she had the carefree attitude like you, while I'm ready to settle down. Obviously, we clashed. Alot.

I'm going to venture to guess that your family sees him as controlling, much like I was viewed. The reality is, you two probably love each other, but he's fighting for the life he wants with you, while you fight back for the opposite. It could just be that you two are at different points in life, and that's no one's fault. There's some truth to the line, "I wish we would have met later."

December 13, 2013

After reading this, I can relate...to him. I'm 27 in 3 weeks, my ex turned 24 in July. When we met over a year a half ago, she had the carefree attitude like you, while I'm ready to settle down. Obviously, we clashed. Alot.

I'm going to venture to guess that your family sees him as controlling, much like I was viewed. The reality is, you two probably love each other, but he's fighting for the life he wants with you, while you fight back for the opposite. It could just be that you two are at different points in life, and that's no one's fault. There's some truth to the line, "I wish we would have met later."

Yes, there's truth in that. I think if we wanted the same things in life, then we would probably suit each other a lot better. But there are still other issues there as well which makes me pause for thought.

December 13, 2013

Because I've been trying to 'make it work' for a long time now and I'm still not happy.

He is jealous, possessive, belittling, unsupportive...

Our long-term goals are at complete odds and so are our current goals, beliefs, values...

Despite being in love, at some point you have to think about whether the relationship is good & healthy for you. I don't see that here. He's not being a nice guy if he is "jealous, possessive, belittling, unsupportive".

If you want to travel & he wants to stay put, how will this work, long term? Will he be like home base for you while you are off having adventures? How is that fair to either of you? If you stay you will resent him. If he goes, he will resent you.

When ALL of your friends & family think you should end a relationship I think you ought to take a good, hard, painful look at why. When one of your inner circle doesn't like your SO, it's a personalit conflict. When they all have objections, there may be something to it.

Remember, you can't live on love alone. Good luck.

December 13, 2013

I was always dumped by the man I was with. Until this time,,I did it. He wasn't shocked either he had been waiting. I love him more than I ever loved anyone. Still do. But I'm suffering .

The relationship is toxic and I'm a yo yo, very unhealthy. I was very embarrassed to of the on and off again of the relationship. It's demeaning.lack of respect and never dependable to me.

So my answer is yes u can break it off with someone u greatly love but I was listening to my head not my heart. I do struggle with my decision but he isn't begging for me to come back..he told me he can't stand me.

Same **** different day.

December 13, 2013

No kidding.

Sometimes life gets in the way, things fall through the cracks, things change, circumstances intrude, attraction fades, or something else arises that causes the relationship to end even though there's still a hefty amount of attachment...and breaking up in these cases is absolutely brutal.

I think most people do the "thinking very carefully" part, but forget about the "talking" part...at least until it's too late. They'll continue to think, and over-think, wait until things are at critical mass, and then they'll walk away because they need to relieve the anxiety they feel from that that obsessive thinking.

Relationships shouldn't be constantly difficult, but they all hit bumps, rifts and lulls unless both parties are constantly on their A-game. I sort've get the feeling that no one knows how to TALK and TRY anymore.

But, the point remains - sometimes love just isn't enough.

My ex told me had been trying for awhile to come to terms with who I was and just couldn't accept me as a person. He said love wasn't enough. I had no clue these issues existed when he brought them up. It was nuts to me and still is, and it's so hurtful. He literally told me he didn't accept me for who I was. He had tried to but couldn't. It still blows my mind.

He said he thought I was too emotional at times, and I wasn't Type A enough for him. WTF? This was a 3 year relationship, and it still blows my mind. I just honestly don't know if those were reasons he made up or what. It just left me so utterly confused and with no self-esteem.

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Have you ever broken up with someone you're still in love with?

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