Another man dealing with gf's past relationships

[ltjg45]

You seem to have this bizarre ability to read minds and decide how this women feels about her own past.

 

As the saying goes, "Actions speak louder than words". If she has no regret for her past, she would have stated her past proudly (like Nyla did in another thread) and tell him to "take it or leave it".

 

And it is a safe bet the OP would have "left it" because that is a deal breaker to him. If it wasn't, he wouldn't feel that he is "lowering his standards" by being with her.

 

So, no, I'm not reading minds at all. I am merely going off the information being presented in this thread and the possible reasons why this and that has happened. Even if my reasons I presented is incorrect, there is definitely a lack of overall respect within this relationship and it should end based on that alone.

[Cinnimon]

That doesn't matter. He shouldn't have to ask to begin with if he was willing to reveal his sexual experience with no hangups.

 

She, however, does have an issue with her past though, hence why it was kept hidden. I don't blame the OP for being skeptical.

 

The only thing I have against the OP that he should have pushed harder to get the information he wanted to know rather than sweep it under the rug and then became shocked about his concerns 6 months later.

 

That isn't very bright on his part.

Wrong. She is in no way obligated to share her past with him just because he is willing to profess his. If this was an issue for him he should have asked her 6 months ago and if she felt inclined she should have told him the truth or that it was none of his business. Then he could have decided if he wants to continue or not. NOT after he has slept with her himself, kind of hypocritical imo. So he can sleep with her knowing her past, he just can't have a future with her because of it........PLEASE

[ltjg45]

Wrong. She is in no way obligated to share her past with him just because he is willing to profess his. If this was an issue for him he should have asked her 6 months ago and if she felt inclined she should have told him the truth or that it was none of his business. Then he could have decided if he wants to continue or not. NOT after he has slept with her himself, kind of hypocritical imo. So he can sleep with her knowing her past, he just can't have a future with her because of it........PLEASE

 

Well, if he's an hypocrite, which is highly possible, then obviously none of this ultimately matters and he merely made the bed that he has to sleep in.

 

But I completely disagree on that bolded part. If she expects the OP's commitment (and don't tell me she didn't want it otherwise this wouldn't have happened), then he has the right to know about the information that can easily be deal breakers on his part.

 

If she refused to give that information up, he should have came to the assumption that it isn't what he was hoping to hear and end it on that note alone.

 

He didn't.

 

That part, right there, is his fault. He should have ended it and move on, not stick around, if it was that important to him. Apparently it wasn't as big of a deal breaker as he made it out to be.

[gDizzie]

Do you make her take a written test or is the exam just oral. Who are you to judge her? Re-read this post and then tell me you are not being judgmental. So she "failed " the moral question but is passing the others? Sez you. Dude, you have a lot of growing to do.

I grew up perfectly fine without the need to feel I need to have casual sex with strangers.

 

You know BTW I've already done a test myself on how this would feel like by buying a porn magazine along with a short porn flick and masturbating (sex with others without feelings that is), then creating an imaginary settling. I did wanted to have some understanding on that type of lifestyle. What I realized is while it was refreshing and obviously came in the end, it took me slightly longer to enjoy it and it wasn't really the same as when I'm in a loving relationship. I got tired of that pretty fast though.

[gDizzie]

Update: I haven't really told her what I overheard yet. She still doesn't know I know.

[Cinnimon]

Update: I haven't really told her what I overheard yet. She still doesn't know I know.

 

Why not? Aren't you doing what your accusing her of doing, withholding information?

[gDizzie]

A low partner count does not necessarily equate to less experience so what you said is just a shaming attempt.

No, it doesn't. I don't get why some think that having lots of casual sex = being overly experienced. With all my 3 gfs (including this one), I had lots of sex with them so technically I can also be very experienced. I just would never do it with randoms, have no interests for that.

 

But ok for argument's sake let's say someone slept with 20+ different people vs someone that had 1-3 relationships in his/her but slept with them way 4-5 times a week then wouldn't the later be more experienced and even better since it's with someone you have feelings for?

It is not his fault that his gf has slept around, is so ashamed that she 'hopes he doesn't find out about it'.

I believe she does feels very ashamed of it and from what I heard that day, it didn't seem like she was happy during that wild period. I just haven't brought it up yet and with the this past Christmas and the upcoming New Year, I feel like I'm going to ruin the moment. I wish to one day bring it up if the topic came up again or she actually share it with me (I'm starting to get a better understand of it) but to infrom her about it straight out might hurt her feelings.

 

Lastly, I've been relately feeling strongly about her, more than before so it's kind of like I don't want to hurt her by being pushy about it. I do love her but yeah once in a while it does gets me kind of annoyed.

 

Joe and couple others who are confused about the ''lowering my standards'' part, yes I had certain requirements before and one of them was no wild past. What I meant with the ''she fits the other requirements'' is she would be almost perfect minus the casual sex past part. In my many way she is what I would considered in the woman I would want to form a family with: family oriented, smart, good listener, not after my money, kindness, humorous, pretty, etc.

[gDizzie]

Why not? Aren't you doing what your accusing her of doing, withholding information?

I don't know how to approach this without hurting her or sounding pushy but if I bring it up, it'll be after the 1st of Jan.

[gDizzie]

Well, if he's an hypocrite, which is highly possible, then obviously none of this ultimately matters and he merely made the bed that he has to sleep in.

I've never had casual sex so I don't see how that makes me a hypocrite.

 

But I completely disagree on that bolded part. If she expects the OP's commitment (and don't tell me she didn't want it otherwise this wouldn't have happened), then he has the right to know about the information that can easily be deal breakers on his part.

 

If she refused to give that information up, he should have came to the assumption that it isn't what he was hoping to hear and end it on that note alone.

 

He didn't.

 

That part, right there, is his fault. He should have ended it and move on, not stick around, if it was that important to him. Apparently it wasn't as big of a deal breaker as he made it out to be.

I know wouldn't that be easy? To simply ignore all your feelings for that person (even if you already love them) break up and move on, start all over again and maybe even have to deal with either the same thing or a very complicated relationship, then also break up again and again?

[Blade96]

I see. I don't mind the ''another dick'' part but there is a difference between having partners in a relationship and having partners as a result of ONS. I'm not focusing on the sex double standard but on the fact that I never believed in having random sex. I've also lost contact with 2 male friends because they couldn't talk about anything else other than to brag about the number of women they've banged. I was just equally disgusted because I don't do that.

 

I don't think he's immature, I find it disgusting too. I mean I believe in letting adults do whatever they want, with sex, if they want 1 or 600. But for myself, I'm a lady and i find it disgusting also. The reason I'm 35 and only had 2 guys IS because I find sleeping around disgusting. And really I didn't want a man with a LOT of sex partners either.

[AAlike]

I think some people on here are putting some words in the OP's mouth, probably because they are used to this recurring theme on here and the guys involved being a bit more harsh. From what I've read, the OP is only trying to do his best to process something outside of his comfort zone - he hasn't judged her or lashed out at her.

 

As others here have said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your disapproval of casual sex, and if you come to the conclusion that it is a dealbreaker, that is understandable. and trying to reciprocate it or whatever is fruitless, if it's not for you and you've always known it, even going out and having it yourself isn't going to "normalize" her actions to you (and using porn is certainly misleading!). I would only suggest that you rationalize with yourself if it is really worth it to abandon what seems to be in all other facets a good relationship for these standards.

 

If you decide that it is not - and this is what I think JustJoe was alluding to, you need to completely kill the notion that you have decided to "lower your standards" in order to be with her. your relationship will never work under that premise.

 

Also, i would suggest that you fully make your decision on this before you bring it up, if you even decide to bring it up at all. It may be a blessing in disguise that you found this out in a manner where you couldn't knee jerk react to it - had you done that you may have starting hitting her with a bunch of emotionally driven questions and found out details that would have been difficult to process and are essentially irrelevant. I would either bring it up and just say you are OK with it and no more need to discuss it, or just wait for her to bring it up and say that you are OK with it. If you have a conversation with her to try and get her to "explain" it, it won't be successful and it will be emotionally taxing on both of you.

[RedRobin]

By continue being in this relationship, I've already lowered my standards, which I've held myself for so long. I know there is nothing I can do to undo this discrepancy but try to understand this modern lifestyle more people are lately into.

 

 

Good luck trying to understand this modern lifestyle. As you can see on this board, just about everyone insists that you accept people who have ONS, FWB and everything else under the sun.

 

 

I too don't see you as being concerned that she has slept with more people... You are concerned as to WHY... This is the exact same concern I have as well.

 

 

I ended a budding relationship with a man who had a recent and long standing FWB arrangement prior to meeting me. I just couldn't wrap my brain around the concept of keeping someone around just for sex. Still don't.

 

 

Even though it is common, I decided for myself that I would not knowingly be with someone who had a habit of ONS or FWB... and if I found out, I would end it... Just like I wouldn't date someone who had a criminal record. Same thing. Different values.

[RedRobin]

I know wouldn't that be easy? To simply ignore all your feelings for that person (even if you already love them) break up and move on, start all over again and maybe even have to deal with either the same thing or a very complicated relationship, then also break up again and again?

 

 

This is exactly the dilemma I'm in. Just about every man I meet has not only had plenty of casual sex or FWB... but many of them are proud of it.

 

 

It's why I've learned to be very precise and a bit cagey in sifting out their history. Dating over the past 5 years or so has been very disappointing as I keep coming across people with this hookup mentality.

 

 

My only advice is to stick to people you know or you meet through trusted friends. Try to learn about their history a bit before getting so emotionally invested.

[ThatMan]

Oh man...

These turn of events have transformed into a new monster entirely. It's so disrespectful to consider yourself to be lowering your standard for the sake of a relationship. Genuine relationships that are loving involve two people who are with each other -because- they simply appreciate each other and want to be together.

 

I've seen my fair share of friends and colleagues with their relationships. I've seen a woman who preferred monogamy be bullied into accepting open relationships. I've seen people who are into one night stands be with those who aren't. Nobody needs to feel desperate and obligated to remain with what's uncomfortable. You need to be comfortable with yourself at the end of the day. Are you comfortable in this relationship? If not, then you don't need to force yourself to accept and change personal values. There's always going to be somebody else who is on the same page as you, today.

[freetolove]

Ultimately what matters is what it means to YOU. If her sleeping around before you is bothering you then there's a problem. If it doen'st then it' fine.

[MrNate 2.0]

Since no one else asked the obvious question that should have been asked on the first page...

 

 

Why was your SO talking about all the guys she banged at a family reunion??

[OnlyHonesty]

Good luck trying to understand this modern lifestyle. As you can see on this board, just about everyone insists that you accept people who have ONS, FWB and everything else under the sun.

 

 

I too don't see you as being concerned that she has slept with more people... You are concerned as to WHY... This is the exact same concern I have as well.

 

 

I ended a budding relationship with a man who had a recent and long standing FWB arrangement prior to meeting me. I just couldn't wrap my brain around the concept of keeping someone around just for sex. Still don't.

 

 

Even though it is common, I decided for myself that I would not knowingly be with someone who had a habit of ONS or FWB... and if I found out, I would end it... Just like I wouldn't date someone who had a criminal record. Same thing. Different values.

 

I have noticed this too. The vast majority of those who defend the concept of ONS or the 'the past is the past' I suspect are those who have similar pasts and it hits a nerve. I have similar views to you and I would never remain with someone if I found out something like that.

 

Every single person I know who has had a past like that try to hide it from partners, are ashamed of it, try to convince themselves that they are ok about it when it's clear they aren't, some of them feel dirty and in short, I have never met anyone who has slept around in the past who is proud of it.

 

The only ones I have talked to who have said stuff along the lines of 'the past is the past' are the ones who have something they feel they need to hide. The ones I have met who had no ONS and no casual sex in the past, I never once heard them say 'the past is the past' or try to hide anything.

 

I think women instinctively know that a man will be turned off by a high number of partners. Either way, regardless of gender, there is no difference to me.

[samsungxoxo]

I have noticed this too. The vast majority of those who defend the concept of ONS or the 'the past is the past' I suspect are those who have similar pasts and it hits a nerve. I have similar views to you and I would never remain with someone if I found out something like that.

 

Every single person I know who has had a past like that try to hide it from partners, are ashamed of it, try to convince themselves that they are ok about it when it's clear they aren't, some of them feel dirty and in short, I have never met anyone who has slept around in the past who is proud of it.

 

The only ones I have talked to who have said stuff along the lines of 'the past is the past' are the ones who have something they feel they need to hide. The ones I have met who had no ONS and no casual sex in the past, I never once heard them say 'the past is the past' or try to hide anything.

 

I think women instinctively know that a man will be turned off by a high number of partners. Either way, regardless of gender, there is no difference to me.

This is exactly what I've been thinking. Those who frequently feel the need to say ''The past is the past'' and get all defensive are those with that type of history. I would be the OP's female counterpart as I've only been with 1 man (my then bf), I'm nearly 27 and is definitely nothing to be ashamed of.

 

I think the OP seems more fair than the rest of the hypocritical high count men and he doesn't have to stay nor try to work things out if he can't overlook at it in the end; I know I wouldn't and it would be over fast. While the high count man's reason is ''Well I can sleep around when I want to and use them as booty calls but she's very tainted'' and he frequently uses the word ''sloot and whore'' or phrase ''You can't turn a sloot into a housewife'', a conservative low count man has a more general and mature POV towards sex and how relationships work out and might even be more empathic as he would find nothing funny about bragging about using a woman for sex to others and insulting her.

[Eggplant]

What is really threatening this relationship is the lack of trust and willingness to break the silence. The girlfriend knows it's an issue that needs addressing, but she hasn't brought it up with him, while whispering about it to other people. I don't think the OP has brought it up with her either.

[AAlike]

There's always going to be somebody else who is on the same page as you, today.

 

Is there? I could see if this was after one or two dates, but this is a six-month long relationship that we have no reason to believe isn't otherwise going well. I don't know that he can just plug in another girl that he is just as compatible with that has a sexual history that he likes better.

 

Look, if this was an absolute "check the box" dealbreaker like it is for some of the people that have posted in this thread then yes, there'd be no debate, you'd have to cut bait. but the fact that you are asking the questions that you are shows me that it's not. and given that fact, my only comment is whatever you decide, just consider that finding someone that makes you happy is a thing that some people never experience.