Another man dealing with gf's past relationships

[JustJoe]

Is the proliferation of single motherhood, divorce, the increase in sexually transmitted diseases, and the break up of the family unit considered valid to you?

 

Is stooping down to the level of animal and not being able to consider the consequences of having sex valid to you? Do whatever feels good, that's the motto of the times, isn't it? Who cares if it brings into the world a child born from lust? It's all about the buzz, isn't it?

 

Go ahead and give into your lusts. That is the greatest ignorance of all; to not even be aware of the temptations calling a man to his demise.

Preach much? This level of pomposity is rare on LS, but fun to listen to. . I'm betting you are not very successful with interpersonal communication, are you? OOOOH, lust of the flesh........yucky. LOL

[JustJoe]

This really has me thinking. I would be teaching my kids about the importance of respecting themselves and only being with someone who loves and cares about them. I'm having a hard time imagining what she her response would be like. It really hasn't been easy since I overheard all that but part of me wants to work it out.

Do any of you actually have kids, or know about them? The possibility of a kid saying anything like this to his/her parents is slim to none.

[JustJoe]

What I meant by lowering my standards is that I'm willing to work it out and have shorten my list of qualities I've always look for a gf/future wife. One of them was regarding the woman sharing my same values I strongly place on sex and intimacy. Since her history is different than mine (I'm not saying it's bad or right but different), she doesn't have that one quality but does fit the others. Don't see what's wrong about naming her once on this site. That is a common name too.

Do you make her take a written test or is the exam just oral. Who are you to judge her? Re-read this post and then tell me you are not being judgmental. So she "failed " the moral question but is passing the others? Sez you. Dude, you have a lot of growing to do.

[c57dood]

Preach much? This level of pomposity is rare on LS, but fun to listen to. . I'm betting you are not very successful with interpersonal communication, are you? OOOOH, lust of the flesh........yucky. LOL

 

I suppose rotten food is better than no food, isn't it?

[OnlyHonesty]

So the number of your GF's past partners means exactly what to you? Do you think less of her as a person? How has she treated You? Like any other guy, or as somebody special? You don't sound "old fashioned", you sound immature. If your GF is a good person, is loyal and makes you happy, what is your problem? It isn't her fault that you haven't had much experience, is it?

BTW, if you think less of her because of her past, you need to move on, she deserves somebody who loves her just the way she is.

 

A low partner count does not necessarily equate to less experience so what you said is just a shaming attempt.

 

It is not his fault that his gf has slept around, is so ashamed that she 'hopes he doesn't find out about it'.

 

It is clear there is something about having a high number of partners, that does not sit right with those who feel the need to hide it, and it certainly does not sit right with her.

 

I agree, she should find some one who loves her just the way she is, she should find a guy who has the same sexual values and who has slept around just as much as she has, if not more.

[Shepp]

Great to hear it all worked out for you and you're happy in your relationship. I guess if it's meant to be then it is. Do you think I should mention about knowing her past? Or say nothing to her about it and continue as if I've haven't heard anything?

 

Thank you!

 

I've never really had that kind of conversation cause id be friendsmwith my gf since we were 15, i saw first hand her...go through guys.

But bearing in mind that for me it isn't a big issue I would tell her, like "so you know I heard what you were saying to xyz, you don't have to hide stuff like that from me, I love you...for you'

But if you do find it real difficult then I guess you could argue its best to leave it alone, try and forget about it....it's not easy to do that thou, I find stuff festers of you do that!

If is tarring your opinion of her then she should have the right to a fair trial at least, she should have the oppertunity to defend herself.

[JustJoe]

I suppose rotten food is better than no food, isn't it?

When you are older, you will realize that rotten, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. And Dogma is no substitute for a personality. Good luck to you.

[JustJoe]

A low partner count does not necessarily equate to less experience so what you said is just a shaming attempt.

 

It is not his fault that his gf has slept around, is so ashamed that she 'hopes he doesn't find out about it'.

 

It is clear there is something about having a high number of partners, that does not sit right with those who feel the need to hide it, and it certainly does not sit right with her.

 

I agree, she should find some one who loves her just the way she is, she should find a guy who has the same sexual values and who has slept around just as much as she has, if not more.

No shaming attempt. If he treats his GF like a moral inferior, then he SHOULD be ashamed. The idea that the number of sex partners equates to moral inferiority is ludicrous.

[JustJoe]

Thank you!

 

I've never really had that kind of conversation cause id be friendsmwith my gf since we were 15, i saw first hand her...go through guys.

But bearing in mind that for me it isn't a big issue I would tell her, like "so you know I heard what you were saying to xyz, you don't have to hide stuff like that from me, I love you...for you'

But if you do find it real difficult then I guess you could argue its best to leave it alone, try and forget about it....it's not easy to do that thou, I find stuff festers of you do that!

If is tarring your opinion of her then she should have the right to a fair trial at least, she should have the oppertunity to defend herself.

I agree but the problem is that the OP has set himself up as the judge.

[JustJoe]

Nothing more to say except it would be wiser to show respect than to be judgmental. Bye bye.

[c57dood]

When you are older, you will realize that rotten, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. And Dogma is no substitute for a personality. Good luck to you.

 

Because we don't agree it's dogma? Right. You need the luck more than I do.

[Iguanna]

JustJoe you are aware that the OP is not talking about YOU right? He is talking about the woman he has chosen to get married to. It's ironic to call him judgemental cause he believes his gf does not agree with one of his moral standards and he has to lower his standards if he want to be with her while there is another thread in here where women claim the reason why they would leave a man. You may say not that these reasons seem more important and maybe you are right, but we can't blame a person for considering something important while we don't. For him this is a deal breaker and we have to respect his opinion. I understand that you get frustrated with people judging women according to how many men they have slept with but he has the right to do it as we all have the right to judge people according to our values.

[Shepp]

I'm giving you a scenario here, lets say you have kids with her one day and the kid asks "mom - dad, how am I supposed to behave sexually? what have you done and what do you advise me to do?", can you imagine her answer? Do you like this answer for your kid? Sometimes there are some ethical and moral values in life that if a couple has totally opposite ideas about them, it can be a deal breaker

 

does any kid want to know about the parents sexual past?

 

Anyways, this is totally your call OP but I have 1.5month old twin boys and if they ever were to pose this question to me then personally, in ,y situation, I know know one could anwser that question for them better than my girlfriend - I certainly couldn't. She's been there, she's done it, she can talk from experience.

 

OP if your girlfriends ashamed of what she's done she's not going to advocate it to your kids right? She's going to tell them that she regrets what she's done and she wishes she'd waited or something a long those lines. I'm 20, if I think back a few years that

kind of opinion would carry much more weight for teenage Shepp than a "I never ever did it and neither should you" type opinion. That could be taken as 'how does he know if he hasn't done it'.

Not saying it will or would but - just a thought, no?

 

I know my girlfriend could tell our boys the difference between sex because your hurting, because it takes your mind off your problems, because your acting out, becasue you don't care. And sex with someone you love because your in love.

[Iguanna]

does any kid want to know about the parents sexual past?

 

Can you risk that they won't ask you?

 

In my opinion, I can't live with someone I don't share similar ethical and moral views. And yes, sex is one subject that creates ethical views. As we don't judge someone for their political or religious views, we shouldn't judge them for their beliefs that have to do with sex. I don't understand how this is any different to be honest and how we have the right to judge this guy who doesn't like his future to be wife someone who he doesn't agree with her beliefs.

[Shepp]

Can you risk that they won't ask you?

No, I didn't say you should...did you read the rest of my post after that one line?

 

I don't understand how this is any different to be honest and how we have the right to judge this guy who doesn't like his future to be wife someone who he doesn't agree with her beliefs.

 

How am I judging him?

I didn't judge him, I said that he should consider looking at it from a different point of view that she could better educate his kids on the subject due to her experience.

 

I don't initially disagree with what you say, although in my personal life its no biggie to some people it is, whatever.

BUT you miss one gaping whole....how do you know her values and beliefs are different from his?

Peoples values can change over time and equally people can act outside their values for reasons.

Im not judging him, but your judging this girls values without even giving her the change to defend herself?

 

People go through rough times in life, some people get depressed or turn to drink or whatever. It doesn't mean that they instantly aren't people who would really want a steady partner, a little family. But sometimes life throws you curveballs.

 

 

 

My girlfriend used to be very promiscuous but she had it really really hard at the time...not an excuse for making bad decisions, but a reason.

 

Im not saying that OP's girlfriend was in a dark place or whatever but just people aren't always what you see on the surface. And you haven't ever heard her out.

 

The only thing you can judge imo on the number of people they've slept with, is the number of people they've slept with, nothing more, nothing less. I don't believe its an insight into the soul.

[FrankieFrank]

Look, I'll be honest with you here:

Chances are that most adults have sexual partners in their past. That's perfectly acceptable and isn't an issue. You two seem to have very different beliefs on sex. I would go so far as to suggest that you two have very different values. Please do not ever force yourself to be around somebody is does things that disgust you. There are plenty of women out there who love sex and only have sex in committed relationships. Not everybody is into casual sex and you do not have to feel like there's nobody else out there.

 

Great post, here is a person with common sense who didn't jump down OP's throat to call them judgemental and immature for wanting a partner who is not into casual sex. Sweet irony is those people who called OP judgemental for it just proved they are rather judgemental themselves

 

Anyway, back on track. Seems like most people value "accept you for who you are, including your past", which I do not contest. Though I find it rather clashing with consensus of "don't talk about your past, nothing good can come out of it", but I digress, besides, since you already heard gory details, it's impossible to take that route anymore. So we have to go with "accept you for who you are, including your past". Some people can do it, some don't. If you don't, doesn't mean you are a horrible person, like some here would certainly would love to imply. It's just your personality. But it certainly means you two can't be together.

 

But back to the "game plan". Her game plan was to basically hide her experience so it seemed like you are match. That's rather flawed plan and if I were you, I'd blow the cover. Tell her what you have heard, steer her onto "accept you for who you are" route to tell and if you can't accept her past, tell that that you two aren't compatible and best of luck finding someone else, like you will be doing.

[StanMusial]

I agree but the problem is that the OP has set himself up as the judge.

 

He's the one dating her.

[AAlike]

Great post, here is a person with common sense who didn't jump down OP's throat to call them judgemental and immature for wanting a partner who is not into casual sex

 

Wrong, people are calling him judgemental for being judgemental.

 

If he simply decided it wasn't going to work because of their different views on sex, I wouldn't fault him at all, nor would any of those people that you accuse of calling him judgemental.

 

It's the comment that he feels that he is "lowering himself" that is pretty much the very definition of judgemental.

 

To put it another way "I am a christian and therefore would prefer to date another christian" is a 100% acceptable statement and practice. Saying "I am a christian and wouldn't lower myself to date an atheist or jewish person"...do you see the difference there?

[Cinnimon]

I think she made a huge mistake by not telling you in the first place that her past is none of your business.

[AAlike]

I think she made a huge mistake by not telling you in the first place that her past is none of your business.

 

Ideally, yes, but if it really is a fundamental aspect of what renders a woman datable to him then I think that it has to be addressed. Plus had she declined the information like this he most likely would have made his own assupmtions, or sought out the info from other sources.

[ltjg45]

I think she made a huge mistake by not telling you in the first place that her past is none of your business.

 

Wrong. In this case, it is his business if he is willing to consider investing his commitment to her for the long term.

 

The simple fact that he has no issues revealing his sexual past and yet she decided to keep hers hidden shows that her past is a huge red flag against her......and she knows it.

 

Also, to add to it, despite their values concerning sex doesn't match whatsoever, she didn't want to lose the OP and his interest to her. As a result, she kept it hidden to protect her and to sell an different image of her to him, the kind of image of a woman that he was looking for.

 

What this boils down to is one thing: she realizes that her past is a big issue when it comes to finding males that she wants at her stage in life because they are generally against woman that has no problems sleeping with males that they aren't serious with.

 

It also shows that she may even regret what she did in her past and tries to cover it up, hoping he doesn't find out about it, rather than admitting it and accepting any penalties for the result of her actions.

[Cinnimon]

Funny he didn't question it BEFORE he had sex with her though right?

[ThatMan]

Funny he didn't question it BEFORE he had sex with her though right?

Whatever happened to him, I hope he thought long and hard about this very question.

[ltjg45]

Funny he didn't question it BEFORE he had sex with her though right?

 

That doesn't matter. He shouldn't have to ask to begin with if he was willing to reveal his sexual experience with no hangups.

 

She, however, does have an issue with her past though, hence why it was kept hidden. I don't blame the OP for being skeptical.

 

The only thing I have against the OP that he should have pushed harder to get the information he wanted to know rather than sweep it under the rug and then became shocked about his concerns 6 months later.

 

That isn't very bright on his part.

[ThatMan]

That doesn't matter. He shouldn't have to ask to begin with if he was willing to reveal his sexual experience with no hangups.

 

She, however, does have an issue with her past though, hence why it was kept hidden. I don't blame the OP for being skeptical.

 

The only thing I have against the OP that he should have pushed harder to get the information he wanted to know rather than sweep it under the rug and then became shocked about his concerns 6 months later.

 

That isn't very bright on his part.

Open communication entails having the strength to pursue conversations. That's just something you need in a relationship.

 

You seem to have this bizarre ability to read minds and decide how this women feels about her own past. Making demands or being pushy is also the wrong direction to go. You can seek to better understand another person who you've shared your heart with in a way that's healthy, while being strong in your own convictions. But you cannot get far in life if you make leaps, assume or invent ideas, or remain pushy. The OP has to understand how to better determine the values of whoever he's interested in.