Another man dealing with gf's past relationships

[Madman81]

Or, you could look at it this way. Clearly she enjoys sex. Sex isn't the only thing in a relationship, but it's pretty bloody important, and incompatibility in that department can be a relationship killer. She's had a number of partners before you -- and, of those, you're the one she wants to be with. Ever heard of GIGS (Grass Is Greener Syndrome)? Probably, that's not going to be a problem in your relationship, at least for her, because she knows the grass ISN'T greener elsewhere.

 

For whatever reason, I've never been bothered by a girlfriend's sexual past, as long as she's faithful and STD-free. So she had other partners before me? Big deal. She's with me now. If she wanted to be with one of them, she'd be with one of them.

 

It's been said many times before that, when discussing sexual pasts and numbers, men always lie upwards and women lie downwards. Sure, she wasn't honest with you, but I suspect most people wouldn't be either. Frankly it's a really dumb conversation to have with one's partner, and nothing good ever comes from it.

 

Plus you overheard a conversation you weren't meant to hear in which she said how much she loves you and thus how much she wants you to think well of her. I'd say the initial indications are that you've got a potential keeper. If she's a great girl in all the other respects that are important to you, my advice would be "don't screw this up by getting hung up on a number".

[Iguanna]

The real questions are the ones you have to ask yourself: Can you forgive that she lied about this matter? Can you compromise with the fact that the values you both have are so diametrically different? You said you have settled down now and you feel good about it. I'm giving you a scenario here, lets say you have kids with her one day and the kid asks "mom - dad, how am I supposed to behave sexually? what have you done and what do you advise me to do?", can you imagine her answer? Do you like this answer for your kid? Sometimes there are some ethical and moral values in life that if a couple has totally opposite ideas about them, it can be a deal breaker. I understand that you put so much weight in finding a woman to love and you have found this woman now and you feel it's hard to start over. But do you really believe you can forget about this matter? For me the most important part is that she lied about it and she is trying to build a relationship based on lies which is not a good start. Think about it. There ARE women who share your values out there, you just have to be way more selective and not compromise with less. Before I had found my bf, I knew exactly what I wanted and I would not stop till I get it (nothing much, I just wanted to have kids and raise them with a good partner). This is the first thing I said to my bf when I met him and figured he seemed like a good guy. I told him I'm looking first of all for a good father of my future to be kids. He knows it and respects me for this. I'm sure hundreds of guys would have freaked out if they heard this line from me on the first date. But I would have insisted on searching someone who would accept it, even if I had to stay alone forever. Do not compromise cause you are scared of the unknown. YOU CAN DO BETTER if that's what you want. I'm here if you need me

[WrinkledForehead]

You want to know the why and hows? Very simple breakdown:

 

Why: sex feels good. People feel different feelings from sex such as relief from tensions and frustrations, pleasure, releases of endorphins which create feelings of peace and happiness and relaxation. Sexual healing IS a legitimate thing and some people are quite capable of feeling arousal without intimacy. Case in point: anyone who has ever orgasmed from watching porn.

 

How: the above should explain it all. Its a mindset focused on the pleasure of a moment. Many people can (if only temporarily for some) experience physical pleasure without needing emotional intimacy.

 

I hardly see how hiding this from her is beneficial. I do think you need to pay attention to the fact that you eavesdropped on a private conversation and that in the middle of it she said she loved you. Perhaps a beneficial exercise would be to masturbate to some porn. I'm serious. If you orgasm, then you have even a basic understanding of NSA sex. Then I suggest having a serious conversation about your retroactive jealousy, and where you both stand as people TODAY without judging each other for your pasts.

 

Fwiw, you have a woman who hasn't judged you as harshly as you have judged her. Consider yourself fortunate.

[JustJoe]

I would agree that this is a matter of "different strokes for different folks" except for your "lowering your standards" comment. You clearly feel that you are, at least, morally superior to your GF and that by being with her, you are slumming. Plus, you seem to have no moral problem about naming her on a website and eavesdropping on a private conversation, do you? Before you condemn, you should probably examine your own behavior and make sure that you are as perfect and spotless as you seem to think you are. Remembering always, " judge not lest ye be judged".

[goodluckacademy]

I totally understand your position.

 

I'm similar to you. I've had a couple gf's in the past and only had sex with them, but my current gf was a former "party girl" who has had a wild past.

 

It's sometimes hard because you probably can't believe the person you love and know now was the type of person you'd never see yourself dating. But the thing is she's probably a different person now.

 

I love my gf and wouldn't change her for anything. If she didn't have her past, she probably wouldn't be the woman she is today who knows exactly what she wants. She said she used to treat men like crap, but learned from her mistakes and with me she treats me better than anyone has ever treated me. She's amazing.

 

Believe me, I've struggled with my gf's past as well, sometimes I still do but I'm getting better at putting the green eyed monster in check. You just have to remember the girl you fell for isn't the same girl she was 10 years ago. She grew up and knows what she wants. Maybe have discussions with your gf about the past, of course it's painful because no one wants to think about their partner having sex with someone else, but it also helps a lot to understand her position. Everyone has different opinions about sex, yours and your gf's might be different but that doesn't mean you can't have a successful relationship.

 

It may seem hard to get over her past, but remember you're not alone. People don't know what they want in life, they have to find out. Heck, I used to think I'd be playing with my transformer toys forever...

 

 

That was a week ago, I'm a changed man.

[JustJoe]

I totally understand your position.

 

I'm similar to you. I've had a couple gf's in the past and only had sex with them, but my current gf was a former "party girl" who has had a wild past.

 

It's sometimes hard because you probably can't believe the person you love and know now was the type of person you'd never see yourself dating. But the thing is she's probably a different person now.

 

I love my gf and wouldn't change her for anything. If she didn't have her past, she probably wouldn't be the woman she is today who knows exactly what she wants. She said she used to treat men like crap, but learned from her mistakes and with me she treats me better than anyone has ever treated me. She's amazing.

 

Believe me, I've struggled with my gf's past as well, sometimes I still do but I'm getting better at putting the green eyed monster in check. You just have to remember the girl you fell for isn't the same girl she was 10 years ago. She grew up and knows what she wants. Maybe have discussions with your gf about the past, of course it's painful because no one wants to think about their partner having sex with someone else, but it also helps a lot to understand her position. Everyone has different opinions about sex, yours and your gf's might be different but that doesn't mean you can't have a successful relationship.

 

It may seem hard to get over her past, but remember you're not alone. People don't know what they want in life, they have to find out. Heck, I used to think I'd be playing with my transformer toys forever...

 

 

That was a week ago, I'm a changed man.

This is precisely what I mean. Just because your GF has had more sex partners than you , in what way is she at fault? Like the OP, you are being judgmental. Let me say again. These women have done nothing nothing wrong. They have made different choices than you have, but they are NOT inferior, in any way. Morally or otherwise. If the OP is expecting his GF to conform to his beliefs, I predict that this relationship is doomed from the start. It is immature to even ask it of her.

[JustJoe]

OP, if you have the courage, why don't you tell your GF that you are "lowering your standards" by dating her. Please come back and tell us how it goes.

[c57dood]

I see. I don't mind the ''another dick'' part but there is a difference between having partners in a relationship and having partners as a result of ONS. I'm not focusing on the sex double standard but on the fact that I never believed in having random sex. I've also lost contact with 2 male friends because they couldn't talk about anything else other than to brag about the number of women they've banged. I was just equally disgusted because I don't do that.

 

You have to be strong in this throw away shallow society to stand up to the garbage. People who just go along with whatever everyone else is doing are weak. They believe because everyone else does it, it must be good. Think about how your individual identity is lost in a crowd, and you are totally influenced by the crowd, many times unknowingly.

 

Every man who has stood for something the world doesn't go along with encounters endless enemies from all sides. Kind of like being the only human left in a zombie apocalypse; they are slaves to their base and carnal desires. Listless, bending with the winds of popular trends is the sign of a weak man. The strong man is a pillar which does not bend and still stands after a storm.

[gabgab]

It doesn't sound like you two are compatible. If I learn that a girl I'm into has been with a lot of partners who weren't their boyfriend/husband, it kind of ruins it because now I feel like guy #50-60? "Wow, I'm honored to be guy #61 it doesn't seem like you're too picky!"

 

I couldn't shake the feeling that I'm just another "dick" to her.

 

It's just the sign of the times. Sex is a big business and people are always buying.

 

 

I feel the same way about men who have casual sex. Huge turn off. I reserve sex for emotional commitments and rather date someone with the same attitude. I find men who do casual sex tend to be impulsive and make bad boyfriends. The best boyfriends Ive had were men who needed to be emotionally into someone to bone them.

 

However, it sucks for me because it is okay for a guy to do what your gf did but its not okay for a girl. So its a double standard I fight alot in dating. Ive gone on dates with guys who had manwhore pasts that wanted a "pure" girl like me to be in a relationship with, and they didnt like that I wasnt willing to sell myself short that way.

 

I dont see anything wrong with wanting someone who views sex the same as you esp if you arent being a hypocrite...its incompatibility. I have a few guy friends into casual sex and I dont really judge them, but I wouldnt want to date them because we arent compatible that way.

 

Its up to you. I dont think you are judgmental. I view it the same as a nonsmoker wanting to date another nonsmoker.

Edited December 12, 2013 by gabgab

[JustJoe]

You have to be strong in this throw away shallow society to stand up to the garbage. People who just go along with whatever everyone else is doing are weak. They believe because everyone else does it, it must be good. Think about how your individual identity is lost in a crowd, and you are totally influenced by the crowd, many times unknowingly.

 

Every man who has stood for something the world doesn't go along with encounters endless enemies from all sides. Kind of like being the only human left in a zombie apocalypse; they are slaves to their base and carnal desires. Listless, bending with the winds of popular trends is the sign of a weak man. The strong man is a pillar which does not bend and still stands after a storm.

I love it how some people use morality to justify ignorance.

[JustJoe]

I feel the same way about men who have casual sex. Huge turn off. I reserve sex for emotional commitments and rather date someone with the same attitude. I find men who do casual sex tend to be impulsive and make bad boyfriends. The best boyfriends Ive had were men who needed to be emotionally into someone to bone them.

 

However, it sucks for me because it is okay for a guy to do what your gf did but its not okay for a girl. So its a double standard I fight alot in dating. Ive gone on dates with guys who had manwhore pasts that wanted a "pure" girl like me to be in a relationship with, and they didnt like that I wasnt willing to sell myself short that way.

 

I dont see anything wrong with wanting someone who views sex the same as you esp if you arent being a hypocrite...its incompatibility. I have a few guy friends into casual sex and I dont really judge them, but I wouldnt want to date them because we arent compatible that way.

 

Its up to you. I dont think you are judgmental. I view it the same as a nonsmoker wanting to date another nonsmoker.

I agree with you, gabgab, if that was what the OP was saying, but he specifically stated that

he was "lowering his standards" by being with his GF. That isn't just a difference of opinion, that is arrogant and borderline insulting.

[c57dood]

I love it how some people use morality to justify ignorance.

 

Ignorance of what?

[JustJoe]

The validity of other people's lifestyles.

[georgecostanza]

Excuse me but what part of never being interested in casual sex don't you understand? The reason I've always been selective and sought for a woman like that isn't because of having double standards about it but because I hold that standard (only sex in a relationship) to myself too. There is big difference between a man that can have casual sex and sex in relationship but expects the woman to only had sex in a relationship vs a man that believes in sex in a relationship, never had casual sex and looks for the same thing in a woman.

 

I don't want more experience. I don't want meaningful sex. I'm happy with my number and the fact that it was with 2 women I was loved deeply long ago.

 

For your information, I haven't told her. I will deal with it on my own. I'm not breaking up over this but it has gotten me curious about how some people of both genders can have casual sex but later on only want to be intimate in a relationship. As I have said, this is all too new for me and I've been raised in a household that values relationships and commitment.

 

Sex is fun. If I'm attracted to someone and they're attracted to me, it's a fun thing for us both to do.

 

Sex when you're in a relationship and in love has a different quality - more meaningful I guess, deeper connection etc, still fun.

 

I wouldn't judge her too harshly on it.

[c57dood]

The validity of other people's lifestyles.

 

Is the proliferation of single motherhood, divorce, the increase in sexually transmitted diseases, and the break up of the family unit considered valid to you?

 

Is stooping down to the level of animal and not being able to consider the consequences of having sex valid to you? Do whatever feels good, that's the motto of the times, isn't it? Who cares if it brings into the world a child born from lust? It's all about the buzz, isn't it?

 

Go ahead and give into your lusts. That is the greatest ignorance of all; to not even be aware of the temptations calling a man to his demise.

[Shepp]

So the number of your GF's past partners means exactly what to you? Do you think less of her as a person? How has she treated You? Like any other guy, or as somebody special? You don't sound "old fashioned", you sound immature. If your GF is a good person, is loyal and makes you happy, what is your problem? It isn't her fault that you haven't had much experience, is it?

BTW, if you think less of her because of her past, you need to move on, she deserves somebody who loves her just the way she is.

 

I agree!!

 

 

 

I don't really get the issue. My gf's been with a lot of guys - did she ever see them again, no. Me she's settled down with. All them guys let herslip straight throught there fingers, not me. That's makes me feel more special that just happening to be some girls 2nd!

[Under The Radar]

I agree!!

 

 

 

I don't really get the issue. My gf's been with a lot of guys - did she ever see them again, no. Me she's settled down with. All them guys let herslip straight throught there fingers, not me. That's makes me feel more special that just happening to be some girls 2nd!

 

 

This is quite a mature and non-judgmental perspective (not being sarcastic); good for you!

[Woggle]

I feel the same way about men who have casual sex. Huge turn off. I reserve sex for emotional commitments and rather date someone with the same attitude. I find men who do casual sex tend to be impulsive and make bad boyfriends. The best boyfriends Ive had were men who needed to be emotionally into someone to bone them.

 

However, it sucks for me because it is okay for a guy to do what your gf did but its not okay for a girl. So its a double standard I fight alot in dating. Ive gone on dates with guys who had manwhore pasts that wanted a "pure" girl like me to be in a relationship with, and they didnt like that I wasnt willing to sell myself short that way.

 

I dont see anything wrong with wanting someone who views sex the same as you esp if you arent being a hypocrite...its incompatibility. I have a few guy friends into casual sex and I dont really judge them, but I wouldnt want to date them because we arent compatible that way.

 

Its up to you. I dont think you are judgmental. I view it the same as a nonsmoker wanting to date another nonsmoker.

 

I agree with you and if more women were turned off players it would save them a world of heartbreak but being a player is actually a plus when it comes to attracting women. Most men realize female players don't make good spouses and women would serve themselves well by not throwing themselves at male players. This double standard could end in a week if women stopped rewarding the behavior they claim to hate about men.

 

People no matter what gender or background tend to do what produces the most rewards.

[Phantom888]

I was having issues with retro-active jealousy not too long ago. I dated a woman who had sex with so many people she lost count! She was in her 40s and much of the drugs/sex happened 5 years earlier. I had the mindset that if I'm gonna look past her past, she better be a good match for me because it would be difficult for me to get past it. It turns out she and I were really not compatible, so I left, and not because of her past.

 

My current GF is 39 and she was with the same man for 18 years. After her divorce, she went on dating and obviously had sex. The number was in the mid-single-digits, and even then I was not completely comfortable because of the circumstances. She told me there was one guy she was seeing, but didn't really like, but slept with him because she was drunk. It was hard for me to hear, but I got passed it. The guy was so drunk he couldn't get a hard on, so it lasted 3 minutes before they gave up. I figured it was not meant to be that's why.

 

At this point I have looked past everything except our bed. As I posted last month, I requested that we get a new bed when we get married so we can have a fresh new start. She understood and completely agreed. It's symbolic and she is totally on board. I suggest OP and his GF do something to kinda have a new start, so that the past no longer matters.

[gDizzie]

Plus you overheard a conversation you weren't meant to hear in which she said how much she loves you and thus how much she wants you to think well of her. I'd say the initial indications are that you've got a potential keeper. If she's a great girl in all the other respects that are important to you, my advice would be "don't screw this up by getting hung up on a number".

I'm going to work on it but will probably take some time for me to process her past. I guess if in the end, it's not meant to be then it isn't.

 

Not sure if I should mention this to her. I would then have to explain her what I've overheard. I'm trying to think of a way to bring this up at some point without sounding like a jerk.

[gDizzie]

The real questions are the ones you have to ask yourself: Can you forgive that she lied about this matter? Can you compromise with the fact that the values you both have are so diametrically different? You said you have settled down now and you feel good about it. I'm giving you a scenario here, lets say you have kids with her one day and the kid asks "mom - dad, how am I supposed to behave sexually? what have you done and what do you advise me to do?", can you imagine her answer? Do you like this answer for your kid? Sometimes there are some ethical and moral values in life that if a couple has totally opposite ideas about them, it can be a deal breaker. I understand that you put so much weight in finding a woman to love and you have found this woman now and you feel it's hard to start over. But do you really believe you can forget about this matter?

This really has me thinking. I would be teaching my kids about the importance of respecting themselves and only being with someone who loves and cares about them. I'm having a hard time imagining what she her response would be like. It really hasn't been easy since I overheard all that but part of me wants to work it out.

[gDizzie]

I would agree that this is a matter of "different strokes for different folks" except for your "lowering your standards" comment. You clearly feel that you are, at least, morally superior to your GF and that by being with her, you are slumming. Plus, you seem to have no moral problem about naming her on a website and eavesdropping on a private conversation, do you? Before you condemn, you should probably examine your own behavior and make sure that you are as perfect and spotless as you seem to think you are. Remembering always, " judge not lest ye be judged".

What I meant by lowering my standards is that I'm willing to work it out and have shorten my list of qualities I've always look for a gf/future wife. One of them was regarding the woman sharing my same values I strongly place on sex and intimacy. Since her history is different than mine (I'm not saying it's bad or right but different), she doesn't have that one quality but does fit the others. Don't see what's wrong about naming her once on this site. That is a common name too.

[gDizzie]

You have to be strong in this throw away shallow society to stand up to the garbage. People who just go along with whatever everyone else is doing are weak. They believe because everyone else does it, it must be good. Think about how your individual identity is lost in a crowd, and you are totally influenced by the crowd, many times unknowingly.

 

Every man who has stood for something the world doesn't go along with encounters endless enemies from all sides. Kind of like being the only human left in a zombie apocalypse; they are slaves to their base and carnal desires. Listless, bending with the winds of popular trends is the sign of a weak man. The strong man is a pillar which does not bend and still stands after a storm.

That's true. It takes a very weak minded person to follow the herd because that's what everyone else is doing. If you had a strong upbringing and are your own self no matter what, no one can persuade you into doing something you don't want to.

Those 2 once called me the strange breed and would ask me ''If you're not into that, what do you replace it with''. Simple answer none knew: books

[gDizzie]

I feel the same way about men who have casual sex. Huge turn off. I reserve sex for emotional commitments and rather date someone with the same attitude. I find men who do casual sex tend to be impulsive and make bad boyfriends. The best boyfriends Ive had were men who needed to be emotionally into someone to bone them.

 

However, it sucks for me because it is okay for a guy to do what your gf did but its not okay for a girl. So its a double standard I fight alot in dating. Ive gone on dates with guys who had manwhore pasts that wanted a "pure" girl like me to be in a relationship with, and they didnt like that I wasnt willing to sell myself short that way.

For some reason it seems like those manwhores are the most judgmental ones. It's great you're weeding out the users. If they are obsessed with wanting a pure girl when they're far from pure, they're the real insecure, trashy ones. Keep looking for your counterpart. There are many of us here.

I dont see anything wrong with wanting someone who views sex the same as you esp if you arent being a hypocrite...its incompatibility. I have a few guy friends into casual sex and I dont really judge them, but I wouldnt want to date them because we arent compatible that way.

 

Its up to you. I dont think you are judgmental. I view it the same as a nonsmoker wanting to date another nonsmoker.

Thank you and yes I'm not. If I were overly judgmental then I would have broke it off without thinking about working it out first and see how it goes from there.

[gDizzie]

I agree!!

 

 

 

I don't really get the issue. My gf's been with a lot of guys - did she ever see them again, no. Me she's settled down with. All them guys let herslip straight throught there fingers, not me. That's makes me feel more special that just happening to be some girls 2nd!

Great to hear it all worked out for you and you're happy in your relationship. I guess if it's meant to be then it is. Do you think I should mention about knowing her past? Or say nothing to her about it and continue as if I've haven't heard anything?