gDizzie Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 (edited) I was wondering if anyone has any insights on this current issue I'm having. For a man, I've only been in 2 long-term relationships (one lasted 3 years and the other 2 years; lost my virginity at the age of 22) and never had any interest in having sex with strangers. I wouldn't do it not even if offered money for that. To me, being deeply intimate is something I place value in a relationship. I'm looking to settle down in the near future and form a family as I'm now 28. Anyway I've been dating my girlfriend Deanna for nearly 6 months now and from the beginning I like being honest about my goals, my sexual past, my hobbies, etc. I have nothing to be ashamed of being a low numbered man and told her. However, as soon as I told her, the only replied was an ''Oh ok that's great' and ''yeah same here'' but she didn't want to share too much. But I didn't insist either but I had a feeling she didn't share my same values. Now a couple days ago, as we were at a family reunion, I accidentally briefly overheard a conversation she had with her closest female cousin regarding her past relationships. From the information I gathered, she went on explaining how she's actually in the 20-30's count and hasn't been feeling good ever since she knew that I've never had casual sex, how she hopes I never find out and how she really loves me but that I'll see her different if I knew this. I didn't stay longer to hear more and left the reunion quickly. But I haven't told her what I overheard. I don't want to say anything. I'm actually curious how does all this ONS, FWB and casual sex works out with many people? How is it possible to be intimate with someone that's not your bf/gf, someone you're not even dating? This is very new to me or maybe I must be too old-fashioned for this generation. Edited December 12, 2013 by gDizzie 3
Author gDizzie Posted December 12, 2013 Author Posted December 12, 2013 Any input would be helpful. I'm new to all that.
c57dood Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 It doesn't sound like you two are compatible. If I learn that a girl I'm into has been with a lot of partners who weren't their boyfriend/husband, it kind of ruins it because now I feel like guy #50-60? "Wow, I'm honored to be guy #61 it doesn't seem like you're too picky!" I couldn't shake the feeling that I'm just another "dick" to her. It's just the sign of the times. Sex is a big business and people are always buying. 1
JustJoe Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 So the number of your GF's past partners means exactly what to you? Do you think less of her as a person? How has she treated You? Like any other guy, or as somebody special? You don't sound "old fashioned", you sound immature. If your GF is a good person, is loyal and makes you happy, what is your problem? It isn't her fault that you haven't had much experience, is it? BTW, if you think less of her because of her past, you need to move on, she deserves somebody who loves her just the way she is. 9
Author gDizzie Posted December 12, 2013 Author Posted December 12, 2013 It doesn't sound like you two are compatible. If I learn that a girl I'm into has been with a lot of partners who weren't their boyfriend/husband, it kind of ruins it because now I feel like guy #50-60? "Wow, I'm honored to be guy #61 it doesn't seem like you're too picky!" I couldn't shake the feeling that I'm just another "dick" to her. It's just the sign of the times. Sex is a big business and people are always buying.I see. I don't mind the ''another dick'' part but there is a difference between having partners in a relationship and having partners as a result of ONS. I'm not focusing on the sex double standard but on the fact that I never believed in having random sex. I've also lost contact with 2 male friends because they couldn't talk about anything else other than to brag about the number of women they've banged. I was just equally disgusted because I don't do that. 1
OpheliaSong Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 This is easy. You don't want someone who has had more sex partners than you. She probably had sexual partners because she was trying to find hrself and figure out who she is. I don't think you are old-fashioned so much as you sound judgmental. I waited until I was an adult to have sex (in college,) and I know that I do not look down on guys if they didn't d that because we all have different life experiences. To view your gf as cheap because she has done things differently in her life may be more about your expectations because of the way to have done things. let her go be with someone who is appreciative of who she is as a person and doesn't look down on her. 3
Author gDizzie Posted December 12, 2013 Author Posted December 12, 2013 So the number of your GF's past partners means exactly what to you? Do you think less of her as a person? How has she treated You? Like any other guy, or as somebody special? You don't sound "old fashioned", you sound immature. If your GF is a good person, is loyal and makes you happy, what is your problem? It isn't her fault that you haven't had much experience, is it? BTW, if you think less of her because of her past, you need to move on, she deserves somebody who loves her just the way she is.Excuse me but what part of never being interested in casual sex don't you understand? The reason I've always been selective and sought for a woman like that isn't because of having double standards about it but because I hold that standard (only sex in a relationship) to myself too. There is big difference between a man that can have casual sex and sex in relationship but expects the woman to only had sex in a relationship vs a man that believes in sex in a relationship, never had casual sex and looks for the same thing in a woman. I don't want more experience. I don't want meaningful sex. I'm happy with my number and the fact that it was with 2 women I was loved deeply long ago. For your information, I haven't told her. I will deal with it on my own. I'm not breaking up over this but it has gotten me curious about how some people of both genders can have casual sex but later on only want to be intimate in a relationship. As I have said, this is all too new for me and I've been raised in a household that values relationships and commitment. 2
ThatMan Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 I see. I don't mind the ''another dick'' part but there is a difference between having partners in a relationship and having partners as a result of ONS. I'm not focusing on the sex double standard but on the fact that I never believed in having random sex. I've also lost contact with 2 male friends because they couldn't talk about anything else other than to brag about the number of women they've banged. I was just equally disgusted because I don't do that. Look, I'll be honest with you here: Chances are that most adults have sexual partners in their past. That's perfectly acceptable and isn't an issue. You two seem to have very different beliefs on sex. I would go so far as to suggest that you two have very different values. Please do not ever force yourself to be around somebody is does things that disgust you. There are plenty of women out there who love sex and only have sex in committed relationships. Not everybody is into casual sex and you do not have to feel like there's nobody else out there. 3
ThatMan Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 For your information, I haven't told her. I will deal with it on my own. I'm not breaking up over this but it has gotten me curious about how some people of both genders can have casual sex but later on only want to be intimate in a relationship. As I have said, this is all too new for me and I've been raised in a household that values relationships and commitment. Nevermind that. I have something else to think about. If given the choice, wouldn't you prefer to be with somebody who cherishes the fact that you've chosen them, of all people, to share this level on intimacy with? The 'meh, whatever' attitude isn't very attractive quite honestly.
Author gDizzie Posted December 12, 2013 Author Posted December 12, 2013 This is easy. You don't want someone who has had more sex partners than you. She probably had sexual partners because she was trying to find hrself and figure out who she is. I don't think you are old-fashioned so much as you sound judgmental. I waited until I was an adult to have sex (in college,) and I know that I do not look down on guys if they didn't d that because we all have different life experiences. To view your gf as cheap because she has done things differently in her life may be more about your expectations because of the way to have done things. let her go be with someone who is appreciative of who she is as a person and doesn't look down on her.I don't mind a woman that has more sexual partners but the how is what I'm focusing this on. If it's during relationships that didn't work out, it's normal but she had it during ONS and BWF, mainly random sex than relationships. This is what I'm talking about. I was raised differently and my parents would have been disgusted with that behavior from a man too. When did I said she's cheap? I'm just saying I've never dated someone that had a different sex lifestyle than me or my closed members in my family. They all believe in deep commitment too. For people (man or woman) that didn't live our traditional lifestyle, I'm trying to understand the why and how they do it.
Author gDizzie Posted December 12, 2013 Author Posted December 12, 2013 Nevermind that. I have something else to think about. If given the choice, wouldn't you prefer to be with somebody who cherishes the fact that you've chosen them, of all people, to share this level on intimacy with? The 'meh, whatever' attitude isn't very attractive quite honestly.I have actually developed deep feelings for her, which is why I'm not breaking up over it. She just doesn't know that I know.
JustJoe Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 (edited) Excuse me but what part of never being interested in casual sex don't you understand? The reason I've always been selective and sought for a woman like that isn't because of having double standards about it but because I hold that standard (only sex in a relationship) to myself too. There is big difference between a man that can have casual sex and sex in relationship but expects the woman to only had sex in a relationship vs a man that believes in sex in a relationship, never had casual sex and looks for the same thing in a woman. I don't want more experience. I don't want meaningful sex. I'm happy with my number and the fact that it was with 2 women I was loved deeply long ago. For your information, I haven't told her. I will deal with it on my own. I'm not breaking up over this but it has gotten me curious about how some people of both genders can have casual sex but later on only want to be intimate in a relationship. As I have said, this is all too new for me and I've been raised in a household that values relationships and commitment.I understand completely , but you don't seem to be dealing with the reality of the situation. You cannot undo what has been done. There is a discrepancy between your level of sexual experience and your GF's. So.....what are you going to do about it? My suggestion would be to drop your pious attitude and get over it or let your GF find somebody who isn't so judgmental and superior. What has already happened, has already happened. Ok , we get it, you are purer than she is.........So what? This thread is annoying so I'm going to leave. Edited December 12, 2013 by JustJoe
ThatMan Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 I have actually developed deep feelings for her, which is why I'm not breaking up over it. She just doesn't know that I know. I'm not going to sit here and try to persuade you to dump somebody. I cannot presume to know what's best for you. You need to be considerate of you own wants and needs because nobody can do that for you. It's difficult to walk away from any relationship and I understand that. But the thing is, relationships are all about discovering another person and sharing yourself with them. Sometimes we discover that our values are very different from somebody else and nothing can change that. In my experiences it is our values that set a basis for how we share ourselves with another person. Personal quirks, different opinions, they're all normal in any relationship. Different values slowly create a chasm in a relationship. For what it's worth I don't believe for a single moment that you've been looking down on anyone for their sexual preferences, contrary to what other's have said. I hope you stop to question what you want in life and go for it. 4
PegNosePete Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 So what is the problem here? Is it that she has had more partners than you, or is it that she lied about it? If the former then you simply need to get over it. Who cares? She is with you now and I suggest you concentrate on the rest of what you overheard: "she really loves me". If the issue is that she lied about it, I think you have to take it in context. She told you this at a very early stage of the relationship, a stage where it is unwise to discuss this kind of thing (unless you have an issue with it, in which case see above). She under-stated her number of partners because she liked you and didn't want to put you off. Can't you take that as a compliment? So now you know but she doesn't know that you know. What does it really matter?
Author gDizzie Posted December 12, 2013 Author Posted December 12, 2013 I understand completely , but you don't seem to be dealing with the reality of the situation. You cannot undo what has been done. There is a discrepancy between your level of sexual experience and your GF's. So.....what are you going to do about it? My suggestion would be to drop your pious attitude and get over it or let your GF find somebody who isn't so judgmental and superior. What has already happened, has already happened. How is whinning about it going to help? Ok , we get it, you are purer than she is.........So what?By continue being in this relationship, I've already lowered my standards, which I've held myself for so long. I know there is nothing I can do to undo this discrepancy but try to understand this modern lifestyle more people are lately into.
JustJoe Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 "Lower your Standards"? Are you serious? How sanctimonious can you get? I've got an idea, why don't you let her read this thread so she can see the kind of person she is getting involved with. 6
jimloveslips Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 By continue being in this relationship, I've already lowered my standards Leave the girl alone, she deserves someone who respects and loves her for who she is… 5
Author gDizzie Posted December 12, 2013 Author Posted December 12, 2013 (edited) I'm getting the feeling some of us don't understand at all. Ok let me put it this way; isn't this also what some women (those who also shared my lifestyle and are looking for a man that's selective) have been doing too when staying with high numbered men? There are some women who also have to deal with their bfs had many ONS and meaningless sex. I think they also would have like to find a man like me. I believe that to many people, their ideal gf/bf is for them to share similar values but what I'm noticing now is sometimes you have to compromise. Edited December 12, 2013 by gDizzie
Author gDizzie Posted December 12, 2013 Author Posted December 12, 2013 I'm not going to sit here and try to persuade you to dump somebody. I cannot presume to know what's best for you. You need to be considerate of you own wants and needs because nobody can do that for you. It's difficult to walk away from any relationship and I understand that. But the thing is, relationships are all about discovering another person and sharing yourself with them. Sometimes we discover that our values are very different from somebody else and nothing can change that. In my experiences it is our values that set a basis for how we share ourselves with another person. Personal quirks, different opinions, they're all normal in any relationship. Different values slowly create a chasm in a relationship. For what it's worth I don't believe for a single moment that you've been looking down on anyone for their sexual preferences, contrary to what other's have said. I hope you stop to question what you want in life and go for it. Thank you. The only single person who actually understood well. Yes, different values does create some challenge to the relationship.
Teraskas Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 I'm getting the feeling some of us don't understand at all. Ok let me put it this way; isn't this also what some women (those who also shared my lifestyle and are looking for a man that's selective) have been doing too when staying with high numbered men? There are some women who also have to deal with their bfs had many ONS and meaningless sex. I think they also would have like to find a man like me. I believe that to many people, their ideal gf/bf is for them to share similar values but what I'm noticing now is sometimes you have to compromise. If women really valued selective men who (contrary to today's society) are capable of commitment, honesty, and disinterest in ONS, FWB and casual sex, I would've found such a woman by now. Or at least have met a woman who showed the slightest form of interest. That said, I would also like to find someone who shares similar values. Unfortunately, the zero commitment, 'Only looking for fun' lines which I hear and see every day seem to have become a plague of this age which cannot be purged. But regardless, I agree that different values create a divide. Ultimately it's up to you how to deal with this situation. True, it's difficult to abandon a relationship in which you've spent time developing emotions and building a personal bond with the other person, but you have to determine if this different view of values will impair your personal happiness. Just know that it is up to you to either tell her where you stand on this, or move on and find someone who does click with your values. 1
anna121 Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 I'm not going to judge you nor do I feel judged BY you which I suspect is motivating some of the harsher comments here. I've had plenty of partners, including a couple ONS and one or two FWBs. I couldn't care less what people on here think of that. I think this is a sad situation because you've acknowledged deep feelings for her but ultimately I think the relationship is unsustainable. You've clearly got deep-seated beliefs about this, they have informed your life choices, and I am just skeptical that you will be able to really forget about hers. Your comment about "lowering your standards" is quite telling. It is a shame, but I am left to conclude that this is a deal-breaker. Much as you would like it not to be.
anna121 Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 I have one caveat. IF she had a "change of heart" where she claimed to have regretted her past actions, I could maybe see this working. In that, she would now be of the same mindset as you. But that is very unlikely.
Author gDizzie Posted December 12, 2013 Author Posted December 12, 2013 So what is the problem here? Is it that she has had more partners than you, or is it that she lied about it?Try imagine being with someone different from you. To me it feels like a whole new world.
Author gDizzie Posted December 12, 2013 Author Posted December 12, 2013 I have one caveat. IF she had a "change of heart" where she claimed to have regretted her past actions, I could maybe see this working. In that, she would now be of the same mindset as you. But that is very unlikely.Sure, I would try to work that out if in the end we end up connecting so well and I eventually settle down. For now I'm not ruling her out but just letting things proceed.
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