freetolove Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 I've been dating a few people (via online) and found one guy that I really like that I can see has potential. We both said we're going to take it slow but it seems like we really like each other. I'm not sure if I should just stop dating and focus on him or keep meeting different people. Our conversations are really intense and we talk a lot about the future (marriage, children, etc). But I've only known him for about a month. I'm getting older and want to find someone to settle down with so I don't want to just wait around but I also don't feel like the other guys have a fair chance since things are going pretty well with this one...
Mariposa10 Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 What do you mean, "dating online"? If you really like him, I would focus my attention on building some kind of relationship with this guy... When are you gonna meet him to see if you two feel some kind of chemistry?
ThatMan Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 I think it's a difficult question. What I can tell you is that there's no golden-standard out there to decide when to stop multi-dating. However, if you choose this man over everybody else, and focus on him, he might really appreciate that. So think about it and deciding whether or not you want a long term relationship with him. But at the end of the day, you are the only person who can decide what works best for you. Good luck. I hope that you never feel the need to 'settle' for anything less than what you want.
NoMoreJerks Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 (edited) I wouldn't multi-date at all, but that's just me. I mean, what's the point of doing that. It sorta reeks of desperation.Like you're in a rush to find someone and can't stand to be alone for a minute longer. You don't have to put your eggs in one basket even if you're not multidating, by being open to meeting someone new -- but not actively seeking them out. Anyway, this is the problem: it creates a dilemma , and it's not fair on the other people involved especially when they found out that they were treated as an option from the very start, like you were trying out different types of cars to see which one you'd like to buy. This was done to me recently, and it stings worse than any normal rejection. I think you should come clean with the other men RIGHT AWAY, and tell them outright that you were multi-dating and that you're not interested in them anymore (because if you don't, you will be subconsciously or deliberately sabotaging your dates with them in order to justify in your head why the OTHER guy that you're interested in is so much better -- I had this done to me, and it was the worst dating experience I've ever had; it's not fair on the men to go on horrible dates like that, and have their self-esteem eroded). And please please, don't tell them that if it doesn't work out with the guy you're interested in, you'd like to pick up with them from where you left off. Or that you want to be friends with them and maybe more in the future. Just don't. Tell them and then leave it at that, stop contacting them. If you were multi-dating you clearly don't think it's a bad thing to do, so you should own up to it with the other men you're not interested in. Edited December 12, 2013 by NoMoreJerks 3
nomadic_butterfly Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 I've been dating a few people (via online) and found one guy that I really like that I can see has potential. We both said we're going to take it slow but it seems like we really like each other. I'm not sure if I should just stop dating and focus on him or keep meeting different people. Our conversations are really intense and we talk a lot about the future (marriage, children, etc). But I've only known him for about a month. I'm getting older and want to find someone to settle down with so I don't want to just wait around but I also don't feel like the other guys have a fair chance since things are going pretty well with this one... I think decisive, self aware and those who know what they are looking for to the T have no need for multi-dating. I don't date guys that to my knowledge multi-date. It leads to all level of confusion and it's like someone who is always looking for a back-up plan. By date 3 or before I usually know if a situation is worth pursuing and I am marriage minded. I think you should just ask him how does he feel bout the two of you only getting to know each other to see if there is future potential. I don't agree with telling him about the multi-dating; he may have been doing the same anyway because that has become the dating norm in society; ESPECIALLY with OLD. 1
Leigh 87 Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 Me and my boyfriend knew after date one that we wanted to stop considering other options. If you're crazy about each other you know after date one that you just don't have eyes for others. If you're multi dating after date one.. you're not 100% into them.. 2
soccerrprp Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 Stop once you two have had the exclusive talk.
NoMoreJerks Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 I think you should just ask him how does he feel bout the two of you only getting to know each other to see if there is future potential. I don't agree with telling him about the multi-dating; he may have been doing the same anyway because that has become the dating norm in society; ESPECIALLY with OLD. I meant, telling the other men that she's not interested in.. not the guy she's interested in.. though that would also be a good idea.
PinkInTheLimo Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 I don't really know what multi-dating is. Does it mean that you do the things you would do when dating someone with several persons? Like holding hands, kissing, maybe even going to bed? When you are online dating it can happen that you are in contact with several people at the same time. As far as I am concerned this is only possible for me as long as the contact remains on a platonic friendship level. And I would hope that a guys I am in contact with operate in the same way (pretty sure a lot of them are rather exploring the market). I would not want to perform any of the acts that I associate with a relationship if my partner is still seeing other women in a non-friendship way. My feelings simply don't work that way. If I feel like kissing a guy it means that I definitely don't want to kiss anyone but him. Multi-dating seems to me like an incredibly complicated and confusing thing. 1
NoMoreJerks Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 I don't really know what multi-dating is. Does it mean that you do the things you would do when dating someone with several persons? Like holding hands, kissing, maybe even going to bed? When you are online dating it can happen that you are in contact with several people at the same time. As far as I am concerned this is only possible for me as long as the contact remains on a platonic friendship level. And I would hope that a guys I am in contact with operate in the same way (pretty sure a lot of them are rather exploring the market). I would not want to perform any of the acts that I associate with a relationship if my partner is still seeing other women in a non-friendship way. My feelings simply don't work that way. If I feel like kissing a guy it means that I definitely don't want to kiss anyone but him. Multi-dating seems to me like an incredibly complicated and confusing thing. I think it means that they might go out with them (just like they go out with you to dinner, etc.), hold hands, kiss them goodnight, etc. It's gross, if you think about it. I know a few men who have done it, while at the same time asking me out/going out with me. The latest multi-dater I went out with was only a week ago. Basically,multiple parallel dates (I wouldn't call it a relationship since it might not have progressed to that stage). But I would assume that men who want to keep a woman's interest would kiss her goodnight, hold hands with her, etc., so if they're asking out multiple people , they're probably doing that with all of them... maybe even to the point of going to bed with all of them. :S 1
Leigh 87 Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 I think it means that they might go out with them (just like they go out with you to dinner, etc.), hold hands, kiss them goodnight, etc. It's gross, if you think about it. I know a few men who have done it, while at the same time asking me out/going out with me. The latest multi-dater I went out with was only a week ago. Basically,multiple parallel dates (I wouldn't call it a relationship since it might not have progressed to that stage). But I would assume that men who want to keep a woman's interest would kiss her goodnight, hold hands with her, etc., so if they're asking out multiple people , they're probably doing that with all of them... maybe even to the point of going to bed with all of them. :S Agreed. 1
nomadic_butterfly Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 I meant, telling the other men that she's not interested in.. not the guy she's interested in.. though that would also be a good idea. Yea, sounds good. I'd only tell the guy I am dating from the very beginning rather than suddenly. He might start to question things after that especially if he was only dating her all along. I try to ask men from the beginning (though diplomatically) if they multi-date. If the answer is yes I move on the someone who holds the same view as I do on it. 1
nomadic_butterfly Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 I don't really know what multi-dating is. Does it mean that you do the things you would do when dating someone with several persons? Like holding hands, kissing, maybe even going to bed? When you are online dating it can happen that you are in contact with several people at the same time. As far as I am concerned this is only possible for me as long as the contact remains on a platonic friendship level. And I would hope that a guys I am in contact with operate in the same way (pretty sure a lot of them are rather exploring the market). I would not want to perform any of the acts that I associate with a relationship if my partner is still seeing other women in a non-friendship way. My feelings simply don't work that way. If I feel like kissing a guy it means that I definitely don't want to kiss anyone but him. Multi-dating seems to me like an incredibly complicated and confusing thing. 9 out of 10 times confusion and complications is all it brings. I've found men who love multi-dating tend to be indecisive and commitment phobes. My second boyfriend like 3 months into dating told me he went out with two other women and kissed one during the beginning of our relationship. The irony of it all is that HE PUSHED for exclusivity after less than a month, NOT ME. How do you ask me to be your gf then still explore other options? BTW found out he was always exploring, always having the GIGs complex, always looking for a backup plan. My recent bout after a year plus hiatus was the same kind of deal in a lighter sense. We met, hung out for three days, two weekends in a row and then the first weekend he discussed us not dating others to see where we go, then the next he reneged this declaration AFTER we kissed and went to 3rd base. Then he suddenly told me, "oh we don't know each other that well, other women are after me, etc." I also found text messages (hey, he checked my phone 1st when I went to the bathroom) of his ex gf telling him how she wants him to beat up her va jay jay about 6 weeks prior. He just put LMAO and didn't say he wanted to sleep with her but still, inappropriate, especially considering he wanted me to feel comfortable with her sleeping over his house that week. He also walked out of the room to talk to her. This is the man who pleaded and screamed from the rooftops how relationship minded he was and how he wouldn't sleep with a woman outside of a relationship yet he kept trying to get in my pants and I said nope, this base is where the buck stops!! He then said it was too soon for him to make that choice which I don't full disagree with but how can you say you only have sex in relationships yet you tried BOTH WEEKENDS to sleep with me? How can you say we should get to know each other exclusively and then next weekend get cold feet? Complete and utter bs. I honestly didn't get any action for a while LOL which is why I fooled around with him and if I wanted just FWB he would be perf!! He knew what he was doing! But I want something of substance and other things about him told me we wouldn't be a couple anyway. 1
truth_seeker Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 Me and my boyfriend knew after date one that we wanted to stop considering other options. If you're crazy about each other you know after date one that you just don't have eyes for others. If you're multi dating after date one.. you're not 100% into them.. Yes and no. I agree to an extent... There's one girl I like but also another I am interested in, too. Sometimes one could be a spark and the other could turn into fireworks.
Author freetolove Posted December 12, 2013 Author Posted December 12, 2013 sorry for the confusion, what i mean by multi dating is just meeting different people. i feel like that's what you're suppose to do when you're dating online. the whole point is to meet different people. i just assume the first 2-3 dates are the get to know you phase, checking for chemistry, etc. i guess it makes more sense to chat with him but i don't want to be the one to push for exclusivity. I would rather have the guy do it so he feels like this is what he wants. I really like the guy and I don't want to seem confrontational if I ask him if he's still seeing other woman. A part of me just wants to focus on him but I'm not quite sure where he stands.
Author freetolove Posted December 12, 2013 Author Posted December 12, 2013 Agree with truth seeker. Grant it that not every guy is going to look like Brad Pitt or women like Angelina Jolie. Sometimes it takes another meeting to understand someone's personality. I have relationships where the sexual/initial chemistry is out of the park but the guy turned out to be a real jerk so it works both ways. Yes and no. I agree to an extent... There's one girl I like but also another I am interested in, too. Sometimes one could be a spark and the other could turn into fireworks.
carhill Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 I stopped when it was three in one day and I couldn't keep their names/stories straight. That was probably 20 years ago. 1
Recommended Posts