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Would you get back with wife if she separated from you twice

PainforGain

By PainforGain
in Separation and Divorce

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PainforGain Member

PainforGain

Posted
Posted

Hey

 

So here is my question. I proposed to my wife in 2009. We than buy home. Than she leaves me in 2010. I meet another women. She meets 4 guys in 8 months.

We get back together in 2011 may..... In 2012 she now proposes. Everything is amazing we get married and build a new home. We move into home 10 months later out of nowhere once again she says she is not happy and we are now separated for a month. I have been with her for 15 years.....

 

Do I simply move on? Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me?

 

Now I love her with all my heart....now here are my reasons for being patient

 

1 she is my wife

 

2 she has a record of not dealing with stress well and shutting out people close to her in life

 

3 every time we buy home and financial stress kicks in she cracks and leaves

 

4 her sisters have bi polar, she might but will not go to doctor to check

 

I love my wife and vowed to be with her through thick and thin

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

Posted
Posted

I wouldn't have come back after the first time.

  • Like 2
dumped2013 Established Member

dumped2013

Posted
Posted

Move on dude. Actually run

OptimistPrime Member

OptimistPrime

Posted
Posted

 

 

 

I love my wife and vowed to be with her through thick and thin

 

Well, there is your answer. It's a sacrifice but if you're willing . . .

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PainforGain Member

PainforGain

Posted
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Posted (edited)

I figured these would be the first responses. I ll give more details. The reason I believe she met 4 guys was because I was her first. She went and had a bit of fun than realized what real life was like. During that 8 month period I had a fling for 5 months, I needed something to get her off my mind.

 

 

What I am worried about is that she is not thinking clearly due to stress. We never argue. We have great sexy life. I am 31 she is 29. Everything was perfect. Both times she did this was oddly enough when we bought a home. I am going back to school to complete my heating

and cooling license, so money is tight and she. Has been worried about finances. But as soon as I am completed this final year, money will be great.

Edited by PainforGain
Typo
Woggle Established Member

Woggle

Posted
Posted
I figured these would be the first responses. I ll give more details. The reason I believe she met 4 guys was because I was her first. She went and had a bit of fun than realized what real life was like. During that 8 month period I had a fling for 5 months, I needed something to get her off my mind.

 

 

What I am worried about is that she is not thinking clearly due to stress. We never argue. We have great sexy life. I am 31 she is 29. Everything was perfect. Both times she did this was oddly enough when we bought a home. I am going back to school to complete my heating

and cooling license, so money is tight and she. Has been worried about finances. But as soon as I am completed this final year, money will be great.

 

She needs drama and seems incapable of enjoying contentment.

  • Like 3
alonefornow Member

alonefornow

Posted
Posted

1 she is my wife

 

2 she has a record of not dealing with stress well and shutting out people close to her in life

 

3 every time we buy home and financial stress kicks in she cracks and leaves

 

4 her sisters have bi polar, she might but will not go to doctor to check

 

I love my wife and vowed to be with her through thick and thin

 

If you were to ask her to write a list do you think it would look the same? Obviously marriage means something specific to you, but do you know what it means to her? You vowed to be with her through thick and thin, but she doesn't seem to have vowed the same to you. At least her actions aren't showing that. You vowed to each other I'm assuming. Have you talked honestly about what those vows meant?

TheBladeRunner Established Member

TheBladeRunner

Posted
Posted

Run Forrest........RUUUUUUUN!

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PainforGain Member

PainforGain

Posted
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If you were to ask her to write a list do you think it would look the same? Obviously marriage means something specific to you, but do you know what it means to her? You vowed to be with her through thick and thin, but she doesn't seem to have vowed the same to you. At least her actions aren't showing that. You vowed to each other I'm assuming. Have you talked honestly about what those vows meant?

 

 

 

Well yes I have tried. Now let me say that she obviously has some issues with my behaviour that led to the seperation.

 

I Will name what she listed:

 

1. She says I don't have a back bone.

 

2. That I need to stick up for her more

 

3. That certain sexual things I would say in bed she doesn't like.

 

So all of those issues I believe can be easily fixed, all she had to do was let me know , during a serious conversation and it would have been changed. But out of nowhere 1 day she just let me know that she did some thinking and she doesn't think we can work out. I offered marriage counselling. We did one session and she decided no longer. I was pissed off. Anyhow she made me go live at my brothers place.

 

Now I am simly trying no contact. Let her rethink a bit . Maybe she will come to her senses.

 

But who really knows why she is doing this. Time will tell.

 

Until than

 

Pain for Gain

Gonna use it

LapoElkann New Member

LapoElkann

Posted
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i see so much anger in the responses here. If you want it to work and if she is truly willing to make it work ( actions speak louder than words ) than go for it.

 

But this case sounds like mine minus the men she has been with. From my experience if she left once she will leave and leave and leave again. And you will hurt like nothing else mattered.

 

Be strong ( so cliched )

 

good luck

RightThere Established Member

RightThere

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I hate to say it, but the in then out and in then out of her relationship with you shows me she's not ready or mature enough to be in a relationship.

 

Sounds like she's got a lot of personal work to do before she can share her life with someone. Especially if she's more focused on what is wrong with you in the relationship as opposed to what is wrong with her in the relationship.

  • Like 1
Keenly Established Member

Keenly

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Posted

I would just say that I couldn't give her my heart because it means almost nothing to her.

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

Posted
Posted
i see so much anger in the responses here. If you want it to work and if she is truly willing to make it work ( actions speak louder than words ) than go for it.

 

But this case sounds like mine minus the men she has been with. From my experience if she left once she will leave and leave and leave again. And you will hurt like nothing else mattered.

 

Be strong ( so cliched )

 

good luck

 

It's honesty and an understanding of how the world works instead of anger. If he thinks he can build a happy marriage with somebody like this he is thinking wrong.

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PainforGain Member

PainforGain

Posted
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Posted (edited)

Ty all

 

Very good responses. It's very tough but your right I don't think she is ready for marriage. It requires much more than this. Your advice makes me feel much better. Tonight is a hard night for me. For a bit I was blaming myself. I was thinking about the things I could have done wrong. I am starting to think there could be someone else, but that could just be am insecure statement. The fact that she asked me to marry her and than all of a sudden she asks me to leave the home. I couldn't understand how someone could do this. In my experience the easy way to just dismiss someone like this is if there was someone out there clouding your thoughts.

 

No man is perfect or woman for that matter. When I got married I was so happy because I thought marriage was a very strong foundation. I feel like she is treating this relationship as if we were simply bf and gf.

The ****ty thing is I feel she took advantage of the fact that we got married in Mexico and have yet to obtain the legal documents in Canada.

 

I remember being in the car when she told me she was not in love with me. I remember saying...but sweetheart, we are married we will work on this

 

Her response: well we are not even technically married "

 

I almost floored the car into a tree.....

 

 

Would you not say we are married. We had the entire ceremony with family and said our vowes.....

 

 

I have to learn to give up on her, but I can't let go.

 

In the back of my mind I keep telling myself...she is stressed bud, she is not thinking right and she will come back....

 

But tonight I am giving up. My best friend lives near our home so I pass by it on the way back to my brothers, I noticed her car is gone so she is sleeping out somewhere....the weak side of me can't help but think that she is sleeping out somewhere....she only has 2 girl friends...... So

 

Gawd I can't wait until this passes over

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RightThere Established Member

RightThere

Posted
Posted
Ty all

I remember being in the car when she told me she was not in love with me. I remember saying...but sweetheart, we are married we will work on this

 

Her response: well we are not even technically married "

 

This shows that she is really not mature enough to be in a real relationship, or even married. She using a weak technicality to try and convince herself that the marriage isn't real, so it's OK for her to want out.

 

Ty all

In the back of my mind I keep telling myself...she is stressed bud, she is not thinking right and she will come back....

 

Totally normal feelings. You'll wrestle for a while with the person you thought that you knew, and the person who she really is.

Porridge Established Member

Porridge

Posted
Posted

OP, people are telling you to run because they have a outside perspective. You're in the game, emotions and all attached, and that makes your decision making confusing.

 

From what you've said, we can all see quite clearly that your wife is an unstable individual who has a clear pattern of abandoning the relationship. Guess what? Mine was the same - she'd spend months, possibly years doing a wonderful imitation of Mary Poppins, only to be suddenly overcome by doubt, impulsive decision-making and just reckless behaviour.

 

If you ever take her back, mark my words, she'll do it again. And again. And again. Then once day you'll look in the mirror and think to yourself, "why have I spent my life pandering to this person and not worked on myself?". And you'll end up resenting her.

 

You don't deserve to be treated like this. Your circumstances and personal well-being are at the mercy of an unstable character, and that's deeply unhealthy for you.

 

I've read and heard of many people who take the truth on board and then announce, "that's it, i'm done. I'm finished with her/him". Fine, nothing wrong in saying that but the very reason you're on this site is because you need to comprehend and process the events that have happened in your life. Be grateful for that, you think normally, but part of the deal is that it's a long process and not something you're going to be over in a few days.

 

Take it day by day and just work on yourself. Screw what she's doing, you can't control it and it doesn't matter. It's time to look after number 1.

 

Some people can disconnect from relationships in a flash. They have very black and white thinking and leave people bewildered by how they control their emotions like a switch. Be grateful that you're not one of those people as they never learn, they never grow wiser, and they end up just adding more and more weight to their shoulders. Eventually they become wrecked due to their refusal to confront their fears.

 

She's damaged and you can't fix it. You're damaged and you can fix it. No brainer really.

  • Like 2
Yasuandio Established Member

Yasuandio

Posted
Posted

I have a strangely similar background you might learn something from. We were married in 1985. I had to do my student teaching, an odd temporary job, then we moved for my permanent teaching position. After first year we bought our first home.

 

I stayed at that job for 3 years. During that time, for no reason that I could comprehend, I came home from work, to find he had taken a his stuff and the cars (classic Lancia Zagato he had to have first year of marriage), perfect VW bus, and his usual car. A week later, he'd want to come back home. Of course, I let him back. This kind of BS happened at least a half dozen times - until I was in a therapist's office. The therPist assured me his behavior would repeat itself, and he'd be back - this was true.

 

At my father's funeral in 86' - he and I went out of state to attend. He took my car and anaconda me there. That one really pissed me off - cause my family was totally dysfunctional - and I was trapped there - 200 miles away.

 

He moved to the next state - and I decided to apply for a doctoral program. My HS was generous with me - since I did great job on yearbook. Principal sent me to many educational conferences I was interested in. I was accepted at both Universites I applied at. By that time, I had made trade with husband to quit deed home in order for me to unlock steering and boots on vehicles, and he cooperated. I sold the home in less than 10 days and made 10g.

 

When I got home from Ohio State visit, about 4am, I noticed the entire window assembly was removed from the side of the house. There he is standing in his little Fruit of the Looms - begging to know what was happening.

 

Next mistake I made was to allow him to come with me. Although, the 4 years were good in Columbus (he had been warned - no more or out).

 

I settled on a second job at Univ. Of Ga., and we bought an expensive home by the skin of our teeth - due to my increased income. There were high expectations of me, and I was doing extremely well. Then, guess what happens, I came home one day with a colleague, and all his stuff was gone - 1993 (he couldn't even wait till Spring semester). The lDy called me from the bank in Ohio and said he was trying to get her to wire him our whole savings and profit from Columbus house, and leave me ffive dollars!

 

I was scheduled for my first international research conference that next week - and he wS going to leave me 5 bucks. We stopped thT alright. I filed for divorce, and gave him half the money. That was that. Then he wanted to come back. By that time, with the stress to publish and perform - I was at the end of my rope. I now wish I hAd gone through with that divorce. He taunted me, unexpectly dropped by, called - caused me confusion. Before long - I was on the new anti-depresant of the time.

 

Once these drugs got into my system - nothing was ever right in my mind

again. We just divorced last year. I've developed bi-polar 2 disease, my Dr. believes the symptoms were brought on by shock (Since there is family history and propensity was there). He abandoned me in a foreign country without my glasses or medicine. He turned so mean once he got his own restaurant - I think he really wanted me in a body bag.

 

 

Someone has mentioned the Dobson book. It is excellent. I let too many things just go by because I was emmersed in my career. Dobson says when a spouse does an unacceptable behavior - you must turn it into a "crisis.". That was the send time he left me in Greece - and I let it slide).

 

Dobson also speaks of the person who is committing the wrongs. And states that there is ALWAYS one partner that feels "trapped.". This, I found a stunning revelation. As one time I asked my husband directly why he left so many time early on - his answer was that he "felt trapped.". I have done a lot of reading, Sir, and this book taught me the most. I was no angel myself - and it was my conduct in the end that distroyed the marriage - after reDing Dobson, I feel I did the wrong thing. Not to excuse his conduct, even just prior to mine. Wrong is wrong.

 

I hope this helps you to understand patterned behavior. I believe I broke the pattern - time will tell. (Although I do see more drive bys than I would expect). Yas

  • Like 1
whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
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She's unbalanced, high maintenance, and certainly isn't acting like a woman in love at all.

 

I get you want to live up to your vows but until this woman works on herself, shows you in actions that she has changed, becomes more mature, kinder and respectful, ready to BE a wife and commit only to you - Don't let her back into your life. I'd file for divorce and go from there. Hey, if in a year or two, you guys hook back up and you're happy, you can marry her all over again. But until then, really focus on yourself and friends/family who care about you. She has too many issues to put you first and be a wife to you.

aliveagain Established Member

aliveagain

Posted
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If there is a history of bipolar in her family, she too may have it. Get her assessed, if she refuses you can't fix it by yourself. Talk to a lawyer.

Yasuandio Established Member

Yasuandio

Posted
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She's unbalanced, high maintenance, and certainly isn't acting like a woman in love at all.

 

I get you want to live up to your vows but until this woman works on herself, shows you in actions that she has changed, becomes more mature, kinder and respectful, ready to BE a wife and commit only to you - Don't let her back into your life. I'd file for divorce and go from there. Hey, if in a year or two, you guys hook back up and you're happy, you can marry her all over again. But until then, really focus on yourself and friends/family who care about you. She has too many issues to put you first and be a wife to you.

 

Yeah, man. I second that. Human behavior repeats itself. In a weird way, I think it still repeating itself even though I'm now divorced.

Yasuandio Established Member

Yasuandio

Posted
Posted (edited)
If there is a history of bipolar in her family, she too may have it. Get her assessed, if she refuses you can't fix it by yourself. Talk to a lawyer.

 

Dude -- this is absolutely true. Before I got dumped in Greece I had been on disability for severe anxiety, depression, and some physical things that are kind of embarrassing. Never in that 10 years - with all the IME's (private insurance requirement) I underwent, was I diagnosed with bi-polar. But, always, declared 100% disabled - with zero "malingering." And I went weekly to my doctors.

 

When I got back from Greece, some months later, I was on a big high. Finially, being away from that mean husband had brought me back. I went to my general doctor for BP refills - and she was the first to mention I needed to be checked for bi-polar. I was shocked. By this time my regulate psychiatrist was moving out of state - and I had to find new psychiTrist and theripist (cause original doc did both). Every doctor I saw instantly diagnosed me bi-polar, want to put me on Depacot. I almost wrecked my car on that stuff. Then Lithium - just experiments. I was allergenic to that, and broke out in lumps in my mouth and sweats.

 

I finially found a psychiatriast that at least took some weeks to observe me before stuffing me with drugs. He tried the drugs a little at a time and observed my reaction carefully. He answered all my questions. And gave me a plUsable explanation how this happened to me.

 

I accepted his treatment cause it made me feel better. But it took almost 2 years for me to embrace the FACT that I indeed had the disorder. Eventually - I could look back on my conduct, and continued poor judgment at times - and that is how I learned to believe.

 

You have to have a good doctor. There is a range of manic depression. And there are degrees and a HUGE difference between Bi-Polar 1 and Bi-Polar 2 (the one I have to a moderate/severe degree at this time). Symptoms are totally different. But a good doctor does not cram high doses of depacote or Lithium down your throat without some observation and cRefull assessment of blood levels on a first appointment.

 

Get you wife checked with a good doctor. Research the drugs and ASK questions. Yas

 

PS. I think the early doctors made a snap decision that I had Bi-Polar 1 because I stayed out of the country after I got dumped the second time. But I was in touch with my psychiatrist the whole time I was over there. And it is possible she never used the "bi-polar" term cause she knew I would flip out. Who knows. But for sure - I was a different person when I got back home.

Edited by Yasuandio
blombox Member

blombox

Posted
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The best way to predict future behaviour is to look at the past.

 

Really sounds like bi polar btw. Unpredictable extreme behaviour.

oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

Posted
Posted

 

 

 

 

....now here are my reasons for being patient

 

1 she is my wife

 

2 she has a record of not dealing with stress well and shutting out people close to her in life

 

3 every time we buy home and financial stress kicks in she cracks and leaves

 

4 her sisters have bi polar, she might but will not go to doctor to check

 

I love my wife and vowed to be with her through thick and thin

 

 

#1 - Not valid grounds for staying with someone who treats you bad and does bad things. Divorce was invented for a reason.

 

 

#2 - Life is stressful. there are going to be stressors until you die. saying she doesn't deal well with stress is saying she does not deal well with life. you saying she shuts out people in times of stress is saying she does not connect with people ergo she does not connect with you.

 

 

#3 - married couples buy/rent, share and maintain homes together. If she can't get a home with you without cracking and bolting, then what is the point of trying to be married.

 

 

#4 - she won't go to the Dr because she already knows she is and she doesn't want the Dr calling her out on it and she doesn't want you to know that she is actually crazy.

 

 

 

 

All of your reasons for staying with her are actually valid grounds to end this silliness.

K Os Established Member

K Os

Posted
Posted
I am going back to school to complete my heating

and cooling license

 

It sounds as if she needs one of these more than you do.

Yasuandio Established Member

Yasuandio

Posted
Posted
#1 - Not valid grounds for staying with someone who treats you bad and does bad things. Divorce was invented for a reason.

 

 

#2 - Life is stressful. there are going to be stressors until you die. saying she doesn't deal well with stress is saying she does not deal well with life. you saying she shuts out people in times of stress is saying she does not connect with people ergo she does not connect with you.

 

 

#3 - married couples buy/rent, share and maintain homes together. If she can't get a home with you without cracking and bolting, then what is the point of trying to be married.

 

 

#4 - she won't go to the Dr because she already knows she is and she doesn't want the Dr calling her out on it and she doesn't want you to know that she is actually crazy.

 

 

 

 

All of your reasons for staying with her are actually valid grounds to end this silliness.

 

Listen, Old Shirt...

 

Bi-Polar disease doesn't mean you're crazy. There are medications and treatment for this. Some of the most well-known talented people in the world had or have Bi-Polar or Manic Depression as it once was referred to. Look up famous people with bipolar and see what you find. I bet you will be shocked!

 

The hardest thing about this disease is to get the correct treatment, and for the pactient to understand and ACCEPT they indeed have the disease to whatever degree - and come to terms with it. Once finally realizes the path of destruction their poor judgment has led them (unmedicated), and hit rock bottom, that is wake up time.

 

For OP, she may have to lose him and do something really outrageous - get herself 1013ed, evaluated, and in the system. That is the hard road. To reject a loving husband willing to get her help is not good judgment. Talk ain't gonna get thru to this one, it seems. If u could get her in the ER for something like a panic attack, that would begin to move things in the right direction. That's the only covert idea I can come up with. Yas

 

PS. She can better. I bet she is a very smart woman.

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