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Be realistic

sportzhl24

By sportzhl24
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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sportzhl24 Established Member

sportzhl24

Posted
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I'm still new to this site but I've been doing some reading on here, and it seems like a lot of us aren't being realistic with ourselves and our ex's.

 

Was your ex really good to you? Good for you??? Think about that for a second.

 

I was dumped by my ex 4 months ago. Except for me breaking NC a week afterwards to try to get her back, we've been totally NC. And I don't see that changing anytime soon.

 

For the longest time, I considered myself worthless, helpless, because I felt that I had to be a total jerkoff to be dumped and abandoned like that. But then I began to be REALISTIC about the situation. I stopped blaming myself for everything that happened. I thought about what really happened between us. It takes TWO to make a relationship work. Placing all this blame on yourself is just going stall your recovery and drive you deeper into an emotional hole. GET OUT OF THERE. Just because somebody left you doesn't mean that you aren't an incredible human being. Not in the slightest.

 

You are incredible. You are awesome. And one day you are going to find a person who makes you feel like YOU, without any strings attached.

 

Don't blame yourself. Think realistically about the situation. I stopped telling myself that I lost the girl of my dreams, and realized that she was a cold hearted person who doesn't give a **** about me, or anybody for that matter. Don't be afraid to use your family and friends as crutches during this hard time.

 

Learn to love yourself again, because until you do that, you'll find it difficult for others to love you. And take care of yourself. NEVER BREAK NC. Be strong.

 

Con amor,

 

Harry

  • Like 10
letsplaygofish2 Established Member

letsplaygofish2

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Harry, thanks for writing this. I feel like crap today, being dumped is the worst thing that I've ever felt. My ex and I were good for each other, we loved one another, but he chose to leave me due to his own issues. I tried everything in my power to help him succeed, boost his self esteem and confidence.

 

Can I do better? You bet. But right now my heart is stuck on him. For whatever reason, I've established an emotional connection and can't let go. Perhaps this has to do with my abandonment issues and not having family around me.

 

Whatever the case, thank you for this.

  • Like 1
mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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Agreed OP. But I believe it is also time to get real with yourself and do some serious digging. Maybe not about the ex, RS and BU specifically, but about yourself. I can't speak for others beyond what I read here, but I know for myself, I had a lot of self-discovery which opened like a flood gate after my recent BU. It wasn't until I started therapy that I finally realized I have issues to work on. And I suspect, so do many people here on LS... So yes, learn to love yourself for the awesome person you are, but at the same time take a long hard look in the mirror and be real.

  • Like 2
mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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Perhaps this has to do with my abandonment issues and not having family around me.

 

Case in point. We all could stand to spend some time working through our own issues that hold us back.

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theonlyjuan Established Member

theonlyjuan

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Yeah, I had this in my head within a few days.

 

I tried my hardest with her and put it way more effort. When we first broke up I thought I was missing out on the greatest person ever, now I realise how wrong I was.

 

She was moody, critical, incapable of giving a nice comment etc. I defiantly don't need someone like that again.

 

I put up with too much and tried to hard to please her, all because I was afraid of being alone again. I just wasn't ready for a relationship, I am glad it ended when it did because I was not truly happy or being myself.

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sportzhl24 Established Member

sportzhl24

Posted
  • Author
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Harry, thanks for writing this. I feel like crap today, being dumped is the worst thing that I've ever felt. My ex and I were good for each other, we loved one another, but he chose to leave me due to his own issues. I tried everything in my power to help him succeed, boost his self esteem and confidence.

 

Can I do better? You bet. But right now my heart is stuck on him. For whatever reason, I've established an emotional connection and can't let go. Perhaps this has to do with my abandonment issues and not having family around me.

 

Whatever the case, thank you for this.

 

You are welcome. And you have done all you can for this guy. One day he is going to realize what you have done for him, and he's going to regret leaving you. But don't hold on to hate. If he left you because he had issues, he was probably trying to save you from more pain in the future. Idk. Situations like these are complicated. I know it is hard to sever an emotional connection. It is one of the hardest things to do as a human. But stay positive, and keep telling yourself that you did everything you could. Learn to let him go and work on his own issues. You sound like a really good person

  • Like 2
fixing Established Member

fixing

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A very well thought out and inspiring post Harry. And its a great message.

  • Like 1
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sportzhl24 Established Member

sportzhl24

Posted
  • Author
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Yeah, I had this in my head within a few days.

 

I tried my hardest with her and put it way more effort. When we first broke up I thought I was missing out on the greatest person ever, now I realise how wrong I was.

 

She was moody, critical, incapable of giving a nice comment etc. I defiantly don't need someone like that again.

 

I put up with too much and tried to hard to please her, all because I was afraid of being alone again. I just wasn't ready for a relationship, I am glad it ended when it did because I was not truly happy or being myself.

 

We all have to get back to what, and who we really are. Be strong brotha

ponchsox Established Member

ponchsox

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No, she was not good for me and I was unhappy with the relationship for a long time. I'm trying to figure out why I stayed and learn from it more than anything else.

mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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I'm trying to figure out why I stayed and learn from it more than anything else.

 

The real question at hand! Nice work!!!

ponchsox Established Member

ponchsox

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The real question at hand! Nice work!!!

 

I read the book "Boundaries" which has helped me identify where I need to draw the line to what is acceptable and not in a relationship. I learned that nothing is worth compromising your boundaries, not even amazing sex, the hard way.

  • Like 1
LimboDancer Member

LimboDancer

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OP, thanks for this great post. I think your advice is crucial for self-preservation especially during the weeks or months that you are trying to heal your broken heart. It's easy to get bogged down in pondering all the things that you did wrong and beating yourself up and that is not a path to healing.

 

That said, I appreciate the post by mtnbiker3000. A break-up is change albeit difficult change and change always presents opportunity. Many years ago I was left by my spouse for somebody else very suddenly and brutally. I was crushed and crippled but what ensued was incredible self-reflection and improvement aided by therapy.

 

Unfortunately, years later, I find myself in the hardest break up of my life. It has been over three months and the pain has yet to subside. And while I've had a good bit of self-reflection in working to understand this all, I gain the most strength from the mindset expressed in the OP. I'm angry that I am not over her, it needs to end.

  • Like 1
mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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I read the book "Boundaries" which has helped me identify where I need to draw the line to what is acceptable and not in a relationship. I learned that nothing is worth compromising your boundaries, not even amazing sex, the hard way.

 

Author?????

mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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I'm angry that I am not over her, it needs to end.

 

This can be damaging. It is over when it's over. Especially if you are proactive in your recovery. I'm at almost a year and I don't know what the term 'over her' even means. Am I healing and recovering? Yes. Am I moving on? Yes. Am I happy again? Yes. Am I over her? I don't know...

 

Do the right things for yourself and be kind to yourself. Beating yourself up only further damages self-esteem.

Qactus Member

Qactus

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your thread is a nice boost to everyone including me.

 

its really a hard time. EX leave for a reason and if they thought we were worth it then they would come back, no matter if they would have to run on fire for that, they will do it.

 

You are exactly right that we should stop blaming ourselves because we tried our best to save this relation. There's nothing more someone can do to save a relation.

KelC411 Established Member

KelC411

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Thanks, Harry! I appreciate this post! Of course we should all learn about ourselves, as mtnbiker says, but I think you are right in assuming that many of us try to take ALL of the blame and feel worthless, when the other person certainly made mistakes as well. It is hard to be both so emotional and to tap into the logic of "it takes two to make or break a relationship," but I think it is important.

  • Like 1
Softie Established Member

Softie

Posted
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Harry, thanks for writing this. I feel like crap today, being dumped is the worst thing that I've ever felt. My ex and I were good for each other, we loved one another, but he chose to leave me due to his own issues. I tried everything in my power to help him succeed, boost his self esteem and confidence.

 

Can I do better? You bet. But right now my heart is stuck on him. For whatever reason, I've established an emotional connection and can't let go. Perhaps this has to do with my abandonment issues and not having family around me.

 

Whatever the case, thank you for this.

 

same here, I can do better, he left due to his issues and I also tried everything to help him & make us work, while getting little in return.

 

We can do better, its just going to take time to heal our injuries the same as if you pull a muscle or break a bone, you have to let your heart heal and be gentle with it until it is.

Robbyrob Member

Robbyrob

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I think my ex was the right one for me but it wasnt our moment yet because of our career. It is very hard to realize it and the distance has create problems. But i know who she really is and she should know it too...time decides....i would make the effort for her in the future

Zoe Lilith Established Member

Zoe Lilith

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I had been on that emotional rollercoaster for waay too long. The hardest thing was for me to go back to sqare one, after I thought that I've moved on. I realized that my ex was not worth an effort or me spanding so much time thinking about him...There is nothing that he can do or say to make me even listen to him, especially to consider him as a partner. He seems to be lost and lonely, unfulfilled, everything this person does is an act. I wish him all the best and hope that he will find what he is looking for. As far as I am concerned - Lesson learned! Moving on for good!

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