Attracted to a very "bad boy"

[bubbaganoosh]

I can't and will never condone abuse especially hitting a woman, but with his temper problems and your inability to know right from wrong, this is like poking a sharp stick at a angry bear.

 

You are asking and I mean A-S-K-I-N-G for the mother of all confrontations. You cheated once and now again. AND your cheating on a man with a bad temper and your cheating with an ex con.

 

If you can't read the writing on the wall with this situation then your in serious trouble.

 

What do you think is going to happen if your husband finds out about this? Think he's going to blow it off?

 

My God woman, your asking for more trouble than you couldn't imagine in your wildest dreams

 

Your actions and irresponsible behavior are going to cause some serious, serious backlash. Please take care of yourself.

[whiterabbit46]

Absolutely NO excuse for physical violence. I hope he's beyond that now and you can work on your marriage problems together. They won't be fixed, though, if you maintain contact with your "bad boy."

[devilish innocent]

I think you already know this. The "bad boy" is a nice distraction from the problems with your marriage.

 

If you want to be able to figure out whether or not to save your marriage, cut this guy out of your life first.

[stillafool]

I am not trying to use the abuse as justification for anything. There was abuse very early on in our marriage, when I had NOT ever cheated or anything of the sort...he just had a bad temper and would verbally abuse me (a LOT of name-calling), and shoved/pushed me a few times. Then a few weeks after I confessed to the cheating last June, he shoved me face-down into the bed, grabbing me by the neck...he also grabbed my arm so hard that I had four bruises on it. He's a big and scary guy. I didn't see it coming, because all that had happened was I was in a severe depression (I mentioned I am bipolar), and he said I was making it up to get sympathy. I was very upset by that and told him to leave the apartment. Then he came out of nowhere and attacked me. Nothing has happened since then (July), but that is why we've been in counseling. I know he sounds like a bad person, but he is trying very hard to change and is being very supportive of me now. So I know that I am in the wrong...I am not denying that at all. I am also not trying to use the bipolar as an excuse, but it tends to make me get bored easily and seek a lot of excitement...I don't want to be this way, I am almost 35 years old! But as I said before, I expected harsh comments, I know my behavior has been terrible.

 

Why did you stay with him if he physically abused you instead of leaving and then having your affairs?

[stillafool]

Absolutely NO excuse for physical violence. I hope he's beyond that now and you can work on your marriage problems together. They won't be fixed, though, if you maintain contact with your "bad boy."

 

and, Absolutely NO excuse for cheating either!

[whiterabbit46]

Still, I couldn't agree more. I've NEVER understood how someone, particularly in what appears to be (and the WS agrees) is a good and satisfying marriage. I guess even spouses who are deeply in love with their SO's feel the need to "sample a little bit of the forbidden fruit."

[Maggs23]

I think I have struck a nerve with some people that have been cheated on...and for that, I am very sorry. I have been cheated on in the past as well...not by my husband (as far as I know), but in other serious relationships. I realize there is no excuse for it. The truth is that I have some serious unresolved issues, probably am not on the right medications, and get bored very easily. Just speaking the truth...the boredom is most likely part of my bipolar disorder, which has caused me to switch jobs and move around the country more times than I can count. I obviously have trouble committing to ANYTHING in life...so I am working on that. Some have advised a divorce...I am considering it...am not going to make any hasty decisions though. I am not going to tell my husband about the phone/computer contact I've had with the other man...I understand that it's the morally "right" thing to do, but I don't see what good will come of it, and I really don't feel like risking his wrath and potential major blow-up. I have blocked the other guy's phone numbers, and cut off contact with him. That is all I can do for now, aside from getting counseling. Thank you all for your advice.

[whichwayisup]

This guy even gave me an STD

 

You need to tell your husband the truth so he can go get tested.

 

That bad boy you've made him out to be something more than he is. Kill that fantasy! He doesn't exist! You are in lust, not in love... you love how he makes you feel. You're addicted to him like a moth to a flame! That ain't love at all, it's unhealthy addictive behaviour and he's a big cancer to your marriage.

[Maggs23]

The STD was a few years ago; my husband knows about it and he was tested. I agree that I am kind of "addicted" to this guy...that's why I have decided to cut him off completely...it's the only way I will get over him.

[harrybrown]

Are you no longer keeping secrets from your H?

 

You could get another std from the OM. And the new strain of HIV that was discovered recently goes to AIDS twice as fast as before.

 

Be honest with your H and do not keep secrets from him. Tell him of your feelings for the OM.

 

If he was in love with some rich sexy lady, wouldn't you want to know about that? or if he was in love with a gal that had been in the pen and gave him an std?

 

Are you always using protection with the bad boy?

 

If you can not cut the OM out of your life forever, tell your H, divorce him and set him free. Let him find happiness with someone who really loves him.

[Maggs23]

As I stated before, the STD was from 3 years ago, before the guy went to jail. My husband knows about it and has been tested. It was curable, and I am fine. Was it stupid to sleep with him again after he had previously given me an STD? Of course it was, and I know that! BUT you bet we were protected every single time, I had him tested for HIV, and I have not seen him since June. I have also been tested twice (for all STDs) since then, and am completely fine. I do not have a super strain of HIV or any other disease. And as I said, I am staying away from this guy, after much more rational thought...I said my goodbye to him, and have now blocked his numbers. He cannot contact me anymore. As for my marriage, I don't know what will happen with it, but I am not going to make any hasty decisions. I am not in a financial position to leave at the moment anyway, but am working on that just in case. Only time will tell.

[Clay]

If you are so attracted to the other man and you can't stay committed to one person anyhow why stay in this marriage? You also have the problem with your husband being physically abusive to you. Don't you think maybe you should just stay single and not put anyone through any of this.

 

I get your really unhappy with your husband but he committed to you. How does he really deserve for you to not give him the same respect. You say you don't think you will tell him. What good will come of it. I can tell you what good will come of it. He will know the truth. Like it or not you have to tell him in order for you to move on either way with him or without him. If he finds out later that you lied and he is physical it could go really bad for you and this other man even if the OM is not currently in the picture. The sooner you deal with these issues the less of a problem it will be. You keep this from him and he finds out later hes going to start wondering what else you are lieing about and doubt anything you have to say. This is going to be a nightmare you won't escape from easily.

 

 

If you refuse to tell him I would get out now. I would distance yourself from him as quick as you can and as far as you can.

 

I personally would leave and be alone if I was you. I would feel seriously guilty for destroying other peoples lives including my own.

 

Clay

[whiterabbit46]

So let me get this straight. Basically the only reason you're staying with your betrayed spouse is because you can't afford to leave him? Maybe I didn't ad closely enough, but what did this guy (your hubby) ever do that has turned you against him in this way? Husband didn't understand you? He physically harmed you? Communication skills lacking? That ol' "spark" just isn't there anymore? Middle age crisis? And for you to turn for solace to a man the like of which you described is puzzling to say the least. Why in h3ll if you were so dead set on having an affair didn't you pick someone with a little class, instead of this loser? Your set of values and morals (or LACK thereof) is classic.

[Avarage]

The STD was a few years ago; my husband knows about it and he was tested. I agree that I am kind of "addicted" to this guy...that's why I have decided to cut him off completely...it's the only way I will get over him.

Glad to hear that. I work in a prison so a bit of advice I can give is that almost all of them will always have more than one women and use these women to live off (One guy was a jerk and "accidently" had his letters to four different women switched in the envelopes before going out, made his next few visits interesting.) Great thing is that when they are in prison or comeback they ask the women to send in photo's and then will trade them to others. Definitely keep contact cut as the guy doesn't sound like he wants to make a change.

[Maggs23]

Avarage, thank you for sharing that story. I know I shouldn't need any more reminders that this OM is bad news, but stories like that do help! I can totally see him doing something like that in prison...and I have no doubt that he "talks" to multiple women at a time. The best way I can describe it is that he is very charming, knows exactly what to say, and kept reeling me back in...obviously I have issues of my own that made me susceptible to that. But I don't want to have a life where I'm supporting him financially, sharing him with other women, etc. Obviously that's not the ideal situation for any woman!!

 

Whiterabbit, I find it interesting that you grouped the "Did he physically harm you" question in with all the other questions...I think that's a bit different than bad communication skills! Yes, he was physically abusive, LONG before I met the OM. And we were separated for 2 years when I met the OM. I am not trying to make excuses for myself, just laying out the facts. Obviously my recent cheating was very bad...and I am surprised that my husband forgave it. But I have forgiven him for many things too. I am not proud of my morals, or "lack thereof," and I am trying hard to work on that by getting this guy out of my life for good. I am also in therapy to try and understand why I have acted this way.

[Maggs23]

So, I decided to tell my husband that I've been talking to the OM. He was, of course, very angry. However, we have discussed it at length, and he seems to be accepting it now...I don't know what will ultimately happen with my marriage, but it's all out in the open now...

[Clay]

Well I know its hard but it is better to be honest. Maybe you should be single for a while and give yourself time to decide what you really want to do with your life.

 

Clay

[Oberfeldwebel]

You stated that you have bipolar disorder. Has this been officially diagnosed or is this self diagnosed? I ask this since you express that you obviously made decisions that you are not proud of yet still attracted to this cheating drug dealer that is incarcerated. If someone had told you this story you would get the impression that the person has a problem distinguishing fantasy from reality, which is Schizophrenia. I am not qualified to say you have either, but merely suggest that you need to get officially diagnosed.

 

I have high blood pressure and have to take medication everyday or bad things will happen. My condition is such that it doesn't matter how much I exercise or diet, I would still need medication. I think the same thing is true in your case, that you have a condition that you need medical assistance to control.

 

Additionally, you and your husband need to seek professional counseling to address your marital issues. I have no idea if you two should stay together, but I do know the medical situation can affect your marriage. Having been around folks that have untreated bipolar disorder, it will drive you crazy. This does not excuse your husbands past abuse and you should never let someone lay hands on you again. He has to know this is non-negotiable. Stay - Go, that is for you to decide, but finish this relationship before moving on to another.

 

PS: You deserve better that a drug dealing cheater. There are many fish in the sea, don't settle for the bottom dwellers.

[Maggs23]

Oberfeldwebel, I am definitely not schizophrenic. I know the difference between fantasy and reality...sadly, there are just women who are attracted to these "bad" kinds of men. I just read a book called "Women Who Loved Psychopaths," and it described me perfectly. And yes, I have seen many psychiatrists, and am officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I know the symptoms of schizophrenia, and know people that have it, and that's definitely not my deal. The only role that bipolar may play in all this is that bipolar people are often drawn to exciting and dangerous situations.

 

He is not a drug dealer, but he does use drugs, which is obviously just as bad. What he went to prison for is fraud...some serious fraud that got him several years in the federal pen. To me, that may be even worse than drug dealing, because it shows what a con man he is. I know how manipulative and dishonest he can be, so that's why I am staying away.

[whichwayisup]

So, I decided to tell my husband that I've been talking to the OM. He was, of course, very angry. However, we have discussed it at length, and he seems to be accepting it now...I don't know what will ultimately happen with my marriage, but it's all out in the open now...

 

Did you tell your husband to go get tested because you said earlier that the OM gave you an STD.

 

I hope you do counseling and make sure it's CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) as that will help you and meds too.

 

You are blessed to have a great husband, whether or not your bp is the cause of you cheating, it has to stop. Get boundaries and learn to stay away from men, don't be friends with them unless your husband is friends with them as well. This way you don't cross lines and put yourself in situations that lead you to cheat.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Oberfeldwebel, I am definitely not schizophrenic. I know the difference between fantasy and reality...sadly, there are just women who are attracted to these "bad" kinds of men. I just read a book called "Women Who Loved Psychopaths," and it described me perfectly. And yes, I have seen many psychiatrists, and am officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I know the symptoms of schizophrenia, and know people that have it, and that's definitely not my deal. The only role that bipolar may play in all this is that bipolar people are often drawn to exciting and dangerous situations.

 

He is not a drug dealer, but he does use drugs, which is obviously just as bad. What he went to prison for is fraud...some serious fraud that got him several years in the federal pen. To me, that may be even worse than drug dealing, because it shows what a con man he is. I know how manipulative and dishonest he can be, so that's why I am staying away.

 

If the problem is not medical, than it obviously lies elsewhere. You state that you were attracted to this Bad Boy. What was it that excited you about this Bad Boy?

[Maggs23]

I think I have answered this question a few times, but yes, my husband knows about the STD, and that was over three years ago. I did sleep with the OM about 7 months ago (have not seen him since!), and have been tested 3 times since then. We also used protection. I am completely clean.

 

As for the bipolar, I should be clear, I do think it plays a role...but not trying to use it as an excuse. I have had an unstable year in general...trying to get my medications stabilized, and I know that bipolar people often are drawn to risky situations. When I first met this guy 4 years ago, I was in a "hypomanic" state...not medicated yet at all, hypersexual, etc. I think this guy is appealing to the unstable part of me...rationally, I know that he would NEVER be a good husband or father, but he appeals to the excitement-seeking part of me. The sex is unlike anything else I've ever experienced, so that makes it harder to get him out of my mind. He is also the quintessential "alpha male" - muscular, aggressive, intimidating, etc, and I guess that is a turn-on. My husband is a big guy physically, but personality-wise he is a "softie" and kind of boring. I know that contradicts the few times he was physically abusive, but seriously, 99% of the time, he is soft. We are in counseling now and he is trying really, really hard. I know he would make a good father, and he is a very devoted husband. So rationally, I know, he is a good guy overall, or at least much better than the OM!! I still am considering just being single though...

[Oberfeldwebel]

Maggs, your 2d paragraph is very telling. I think that the issues with the medication was definitely an issue here and while it does not excuse your behavior, it does let you know that when it is controlled that you can deal with this issue. There are many women that are attracted to the Bad Boy, he is exciting to be around, but unfortunately he makes a terrible partner after the party. He is very confident and seems in command of things around him, but in reality you find that he is actually self-centered. This is particularly true of your Good Time Charlie, who kicks it up a notched by defrauding people. Don't think that he won't do this to you as well. You need to take off the rose colored glasses and see him for who he really is in life.

 

As for your husband, do you reconcile or leave? This is a question only you can answer, but part of it is deciding what you really want in life. You state that your husband is boring. How is he boring and what do you want him to do?

Edited January 1, 2014 by Oberfeldwebel

[Buckeye2]

You said that you did well at school and work so you should be able to support yourself. You have an abusive husband that you cheat on. That’s like living with a tiger and poking it with a stick. Get a divorce and have all the exciting boyfriends you want.

[Discjockey80]

I think I have answered this question a few times, but yes, my husband knows about the STD, and that was over three years ago. I did sleep with the OM about 7 months ago (have not seen him since!), and have been tested 3 times since then. We also used protection. I am completely clean.

 

As for the bipolar, I should be clear, I do think it plays a role...but not trying to use it as an excuse. I have had an unstable year in general...trying to get my medications stabilized, and I know that bipolar people often are drawn to risky situations. When I first met this guy 4 years ago, I was in a "hypomanic" state...not medicated yet at all, hypersexual, etc. I think this guy is appealing to the unstable part of me...rationally, I know that he would NEVER be a good husband or father, but he appeals to the excitement-seeking part of me. The sex is unlike anything else I've ever experienced, so that makes it harder to get him out of my mind. He is also the quintessential "alpha male" - muscular, aggressive, intimidating, etc, and I guess that is a turn-on. My husband is a big guy physically, but personality-wise he is a "softie" and kind of boring. I know that contradicts the few times he was physically abusive, but seriously, 99% of the time, he is soft. We are in counseling now and he is trying really, really hard. I know he would make a good father, and he is a very devoted husband. So rationally, I know, he is a good guy overall, or at least much better than the OM!! I still am considering just being single though...

 

 

Maggs-

 

 

What I bolded is what to me is the deal breaker in all of this (the abuse notwithstanding obviously). To me, until your husband learns how to give you feelings and experiences similar in kind to what is indicated in the bolded part, the marriage is doomed.

 

 

And if it hasn't been communicated to him already, it needs to be somehow that if he can find it in himself to take on some of these qualities in his own way...he needs to do it.

 

 

That may be a wild and tall order that is hard to put into plan and action but those are core traits needing to be adopted to now compete as much as possible with those other experiences.