Attracted to a very "bad boy"

[Maggs23]

So here is my story: I have been married for over 8 years; my husband is financially responsible, reliable, and emotionally supportive 99% of the time. But we went through a rough patch a while back, and were separated for nearly 2 years. He has been verbally and physically abusive a few times, though not recently (and we are now in counseling). We do not have any children. ANYWAY, when we were separated, I met a guy that was very charming, but turned out to be a fugitive (he was wanted on federal fraud charges). I did not realize all of this until I had known him for a while, and by that point, I had fallen hard for him. We had a very fulfilling sex life, and he is very "exciting" to me. I thought I was in love. He ended up getting caught and going to federal prison, and was released last May. I had since gotten back with my husband, but when this guy contacted me, I couldn't resist seeing him. Yes, I cheated on my husband, and I feel terrible about it. At this point, I have not actually SEEN this other guy since June, but we have talked on the phone/computer. Many times I am tempted to leave my husband for him, but I know it's not rational. This guy even gave me an STD (luckily a curable one) a few years back, and he is on/off drugs and alcohol. I guess I just need someone to state the obvious...this guy is not likely to reform himself, right? He is 33 years old. He tried going back to school but has already quit that, and will probably end up in a minimum wage job now. I don't know what is wrong with me that I can't stop thinking about him?!

[pteromom]

I guess I just need someone to state the obvious...this guy is not likely to reform himself, right?

 

No, not likely.

 

If he went back to school to better his life, but already quit, that doesn't bode well for him.

 

And drugs/alcohol abuse? No!!!

 

You know you could run to him, so he is an easy mental escape for you when you argue or are disappointed with your husband. And what you think you create. So as you fantasize about him, you build him up bigger and bigger in your mind and heart.

 

You need to break contact with him completely, and re-train your thinking to go elsewhere.

[Fluttershy]

I think you need to stop thinking about these men and start thinking about why you are attracted to that type.

[Bryanp]

I think it is very cruel to what you are doing to your husband. How would you like it if your husband was doing to you behind your back what you are doing to him?

 

You need to be honest with your husband about what you have done. It is the very least you can do for your husband. This is not just about you.

You fall for a fugitive, school drop out and he gave you an STD. You then continue to cheat on your husband and now probably have put your husband at risk for STD's.

 

Inform your husband so he can move on and find someone else in his life who can truly love and respect him unlike you. You are a very foolish self-destructive woman who will end up with nothing but pain and heartache in the end. Tell you husband and do the right thing.

[whiterabbit46]

Good God, Maggs! If you have ANY feelings for your husband or your marriage you will IMMEDIATELY put this poisonous loser out of your life permanently. Spend any energy you can on your husband. Put this all in your head as a BAD relationship gone toxic......to you, your husband, and your marriage. Wake up before it's too late!! Good luck to you. Think of dumping this clown as an early Christmas present both to you and your hubby. Never contact him again in any way, shape, or form and he will recede like a bad dream.

[Maggs23]

Thanks everyone. I know I deserve to be lectured, as there is no excuse for my behavior. Bryanp, not that I am trying to justify what I've done, but the STD was years ago, when i was separated from my husband. I was VERY careful when I saw this guy last June, and had myself tested several times since. But you are totally right, my husband does not deserve any of this, and I would be furious if he were doing the same thing to me. And just the fact that I have to worry about STDs with this guy is obviously a big hint that he is bad news. I guess I already know all this stuff, but just needed to hear it from others...I am going to cut off contact with him completely, because he is like a drug to me. I have to go "cold turkey." And I know that if I ended up with him, he would just mooch off of me, cheat on me, and probably end up back in prison. I think I need to re-evaluate my marriage, because I am not as happy as I'd like to be, but I know this criminal is not the answer. Thanks again.

[JustJoe]

Your marriage is not the problem, YOU are the problem. Until you get counseling and deal with your personal issues, you will not be satisfied in ANY relationship, regardless of who with. You should tell your husband the truth, divorce and learn to live on your own, and deal with your personal problems , BEFORE you get into another relationship and damage somebody else.

[Clay]

Tell your husband right ?

 

Is it not his turn to decide how he wants his life to go too since you already cut him out of the other decisions?

 

That should be done first. Not last.

 

Clay

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I say go for it! What could possibly go wrong?

[Maggs23]

Yes, I am a big part of the problem, obviously...but I should say, before we ever separated years ago, my husband had been abusive. Our marriage needs help no matter what...that's why we are in counseling. He does know that I cheated on him in June; he does not, however, know that I have still been in contact with the other man (by phone and computer). I saw our marriage counselor on my own, and he advised me NOT to tell my husband about the contact, since it could trigger an abusive episode...he said that I should instead just stop all contact, as you all have advised here, and is obviously the right thing to do. As far as whether I would be happy in any other relationship, I do not know...I question that as well, and am admitting to having a lot of my own problems. I had a very traumatic past and also have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder (which I am in treatment for). I am "smart" in school and the work world, but struggle with relationships.

[Clay]

Here is the deal. You have to own up to the things you do wrong. Sure no one can force you but if you ever want to do anything right this is it. Own up to everything you did with this other man. Deal with this problem first. If your marriage survives then tell him he has to deal with this anger issue. If he does not then end the marriage.

 

What you did is far worse then what he did. You should have left him before ever going and doing anything with anyone else.

 

Clay

[experiencethedevine]

Yes, I am a big part of the problem, obviously...but I should say, before we ever separated years ago, my husband had been abusive. Our marriage needs help no matter what...that's why we are in counseling. He does know that I cheated on him in June; he does not, however, know that I have still been in contact with the other man (by phone and computer). I saw our marriage counselor on my own, and he advised me NOT to tell my husband about the contact, since it could trigger an abusive episode...he said that I should instead just stop all contact, as you all have advised here, and is obviously the right thing to do. As far as whether I would be happy in any other relationship, I do not know...I question that as well, and am admitting to having a lot of my own problems. I had a very traumatic past and also have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder (which I am in treatment for). I am "smart" in school and the work world, but struggle with relationships.

 

 

This situation is bordering on ludicrous.

 

 

Offer your husband the truth, and the opportunity to make choices of his own.

 

 

Whether or not he has been previously abusive remains an issue that if problematic then, you would have been prudent to deal with the situation in its entirety at the time rather than passive/aggressive payback through an affair.

 

 

The right treatment is essential for you, but not at the expense of your husband, regardless of his history. that is his own issue to seek guidance and help for.

 

 

It is also a concern that your counsellor would advise secrecy as a method of prevention regarding possible abusive repercussions.

[Spectre]

I'm sorry, but you have the absolute worst marriage counselor ever. You've already treated your husband like crap, cheated on him, you clearly don't love him...and this person tells you to lie to him even further? Crazy, drop this marriage counselor immediately. Hell I'd also warn the other people who go to this person.

 

Your husband also can't care that much about you either if he physically abused you, which is unfortunate(but no excuse for cheating). You shouldn't withhold any information, I'm surprised your husband stayed to be honest, does he suffer from low self esteem or anything of the sort?

 

Let me ask, when you told him you cheated in June..was he abusive? If not, why would he be if you told him about the contact? You need to tell him. I'm sorry, but I think you need to also get a divorce. I don't even see a point in salvaging it. He's beat you, you've cheated on him with a scumbag felon..this marriage clearly isn't meant to be. Drop the marriage and find out why you act this way, and stay away from both guys.

 

You can't possibly love this man, so why bother staying with him? Allow him to find someone else who won't betray him. Suggest to him that he too should seek counseling for his abusive tendencies, but absolutely under no circumstances ever even imply that it's his fault you cheated because of the abuse...since that will just make things worse.

Edited December 11, 2013 by Spectre

[compulsivedancer]

Get rid of both men and get a decent individual counselor. Be your own person for a while and learn to love yourself, while you figure out in counseling why you're attracted to these types of men. Don't date at all for a while, because when you do, it's likely that you'll end up back in the same place with a different man. You need to fix your "picker."

 

If it weren't for your interest in this other guy, I'd say that if your husband is mending his ways, it might be worth sticking around and trying to fix things with him, if you love him enough to work through it. But since you're fixated on another guy, it doesn't sound like the case.

 

Break free and figure out who you are. Then find a man who's worth your time.

[NYC-BigKat]

I think you need to stop thinking about these men and start thinking about why you are attracted to that type.

 

 

 

Yea just like the girls on my job. They all so interested in the jerk upstairs & he don't even care about them.

[Spectre]

Yea just like the girls on my job. They all so interested in the jerk upstairs & he don't even care about them.

 

I've been there too..the phrase "nice guys finish last" has come up way too many times in my life

[stillafool]

I'm not going to tell you to put this guy out of your mind and concentrate on your husband. I'm telling you to leave your husband because you do not value a good, decent man but would rather have this bad boy. Please divorce your husband and give him a chance to meet someone who will really love him (sex and all). Hey, at least you don't have any kids.

[Fluttershy]

Maggs,

Don't let anyone tell you your cheating was worse than his abuse... Or vice versa. Both are wrong and IMO should never be compared in a situation like this. It is a terrible thing to tell an abused person. You both clearly have issues but, if the abuse was in the past, clearly your husband is dealing with his. You are still cheating emotionally and have not dealt with yours.

If your husband was not physicaly violent when he discovered/ you told him about the affair then your IC is full of crap. I you really do feel unsafe take him to a public place and share that you have had trouble letting go off the other man. Give him access to all your means of communicaions as a sign you want to change. If he threatens you go to a safe house or someone you trust's place. But you need to be honest with those close to you as you work on bettering yourself.

I do not have a degree in this sort of thing but i find it interesting that you have been attracted to two jerks. And now that the one has cleaned up his act you are pining for the other. This is a problem with you.

[Spectre]

Maggs,

Don't let anyone tell you your cheating was worse than his abuse... Or vice versa. Both are wrong and IMO should never be compared in a situation like this. It is a terrible thing to tell an abused person.

 

I understand where you are coming from, I wasn't trying to minimize what he did to her. I guess I just didn't want her to try to use the abuse as any type of justification.

 

I'd also be curious about the specifics of the abuse, how many times it happened and what exactly happened? Also what triggered it?

[Fluttershy]

I understand where you are coming from, I wasn't trying to minimize what he did to her. I guess I just didn't want her to try to use the abuse as any type of justification.

 

I'd also be curious about the specifics of the abuse, how many times it happened and what exactly happened? Also what triggered it?

 

Oh, no, i 100% got what you meant. My post wa in reply to Clay. I should have quoted but got lazy.

[Maggs23]

I am not trying to use the abuse as justification for anything. There was abuse very early on in our marriage, when I had NOT ever cheated or anything of the sort...he just had a bad temper and would verbally abuse me (a LOT of name-calling), and shoved/pushed me a few times. Then a few weeks after I confessed to the cheating last June, he shoved me face-down into the bed, grabbing me by the neck...he also grabbed my arm so hard that I had four bruises on it. He's a big and scary guy. I didn't see it coming, because all that had happened was I was in a severe depression (I mentioned I am bipolar), and he said I was making it up to get sympathy. I was very upset by that and told him to leave the apartment. Then he came out of nowhere and attacked me. Nothing has happened since then (July), but that is why we've been in counseling. I know he sounds like a bad person, but he is trying very hard to change and is being very supportive of me now. So I know that I am in the wrong...I am not denying that at all. I am also not trying to use the bipolar as an excuse, but it tends to make me get bored easily and seek a lot of excitement...I don't want to be this way, I am almost 35 years old! But as I said before, I expected harsh comments, I know my behavior has been terrible.

[Clay]

Oh, no, i 100% got what you meant. My post wa in reply to Clay. I should have quoted but got lazy.

 

Physical abuse I do agree with you. Normal verbal abuse is not. Its not even close. If she is being physically abused she should have left him.

 

Clay

[Clay]

I am not trying to use the abuse as justification for anything. There was abuse very early on in our marriage, when I had NOT ever cheated or anything of the sort...he just had a bad temper and would verbally abuse me (a LOT of name-calling), and shoved/pushed me a few times. Then a few weeks after I confessed to the cheating last June, he shoved me face-down into the bed, grabbing me by the neck...he also grabbed my arm so hard that I had four bruises on it. He's a big and scary guy. I didn't see it coming, because all that had happened was I was in a severe depression (I mentioned I am bipolar), and he said I was making it up to get sympathy. I was very upset by that and told him to leave the apartment. Then he came out of nowhere and attacked me. Nothing has happened since then (July), but that is why we've been in counseling. I know he sounds like a bad person, but he is trying very hard to change and is being very supportive of me now. So I know that I am in the wrong...I am not denying that at all. I am also not trying to use the bipolar as an excuse, but it tends to make me get bored easily and seek a lot of excitement...I don't want to be this way, I am almost 35 years old! But as I said before, I expected harsh comments, I know my behavior has been terrible.

 

 

You need to leave him. Get out while you are still alive and can walk. Physical abuse should never be tolerated not even for a second.

 

Who cares about talking to him about anything at this point. He has no right to touch you like that at all.

 

Clay

[SincereOnlineGuy]

We all know he's still going to be the same person he always was.

 

 

But I'm thinking two things:

 

 

1) Like most, you are valuing the investment you previously had IN this criminal

 

and

 

2) When you were with him, sexually/emotionally, you were at a place in life where it was... just... rather... easy, and comfortable to be with him (and some/part of that is what you are yearning for now) {perhaps, for example, as if you'd not long before separated from hubby, due to stressful communication breakdown}

 

(*** that as if, say, you were somehow assigned through work to have to travel and stay/work in a far-away locale for 3 months... well if you began a relationship soon after that, and returned home to a hotel room (or the like) that was cleaned each day, and always in tip-top shape... the whole thing may seem more comfortable than are those relationships into which you must invest so much of all of your emotion/time/money/thought )

[Spectre]

I am not trying to use the abuse as justification for anything. There was abuse very early on in our marriage, when I had NOT ever cheated or anything of the sort...he just had a bad temper and would verbally abuse me (a LOT of name-calling), and shoved/pushed me a few times. Then a few weeks after I confessed to the cheating last June, he shoved me face-down into the bed, grabbing me by the neck...he also grabbed my arm so hard that I had four bruises on it. He's a big and scary guy. I didn't see it coming, because all that had happened was I was in a severe depression (I mentioned I am bipolar), and he said I was making it up to get sympathy. I was very upset by that and told him to leave the apartment. Then he came out of nowhere and attacked me. Nothing has happened since then (July), but that is why we've been in counseling. I know he sounds like a bad person, but he is trying very hard to change and is being very supportive of me now. So I know that I am in the wrong...I am not denying that at all. I am also not trying to use the bipolar as an excuse, but it tends to make me get bored easily and seek a lot of excitement...I don't want to be this way, I am almost 35 years old! But as I said before, I expected harsh comments, I know my behavior has been terrible.

 

Ok shoving is one thing(though I don't condone it) but his attacking you, etc. is really bad. So I would say you either need to tell him the truth in a public place..or maybe do it over email.or maybe just do it with your phone in the hand assuring him if he touches you again you will call the police.

 

I do think you should divorce, and I am sorry for harsh comments, I know a lot of people do have harsh comments for cheaters and I know they can really put them through the ringer..and I know to some people it seems like these people are just doing it because they get off on it because they were once betrayed. I get why people might think that and I'm sure for some people it is true, but for me personally that isn't the case..it's not fun.

 

Like I said I do feel you need to divorce and that you also both need to get into counseling. I also feel if you do decide to get divorced you should still be 100% honest with him, simply because him knowing the full truth might be helpful in terms of him moving on. I wish you good luck, but you definitely need to get away from him if you think there is even the smallest chance he might hit you again. I could never in a million years imagine hitting my girlfriend(plus if I did she'd kick my ass).