Ap22 Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 (edited) Hope this helps.... I found out about my affair 3 weeks ago. We are trying to work it out and she really wants to get me something for christmas. I'm a gamer so I told her I wanted the new xbox. Now keep in mind, I dont really want it now and I've had 3 opportunities to buy it and havent because I dont need it right now. I told her I wanted it because it would require work in order for her to find it. For someone like me, I have no problems finding one. For her, it will be very hard and if she manages to actually pull it off, I will be impressed. I dont even care about the xbox. I can buy it whenever I want if I really wanted one. To me, its about the work she will have to put in to finding one. Thats something she would have never done before. If she finds one, that means it was important for her to find one. Now I did find out she bought me something else too. While I like it, it doesnt mean much because it required no effort to get it. So in the end, to me, the biggest gift is the effort. Now, that all being said....part of me just wants to buy the damn thing just to show her that I do not have any faith in her at all. That would be very mean spirited though. The other part of me is wondering how I will feel on christmas morning when there is no xbox under the tree. Is it painfully obvious I have very little faith in my wife at this point? I can already hear myself telling myself "I knew it....I knew she would get one because it required to much effort"....Guess we'll find out in a couple weeks....Honestly, that other gift she bought me, while nice, holds no significant value to me for some reason. Can you also tell i'm still angry? Edited December 12, 2013 by Ap22 1
Author Sofie2013 Posted December 12, 2013 Author Posted December 12, 2013 Yes we divorced. Long marriage. He didn't know how to be faithful. I've learned the skill of balancing grace in social settings when we are at the same gathering. Like this past week when my son was in the hospital... All his family showed up - and so did mine. Odd because we don't all gather very often anymore... But everyone is gracious - as it should be in those circumstances like graduations and funerals - it helps. Did you guys try to reconcile or did you guys go straight to divorce. It does worry me how the family dynamic could change once the divorce is final. Right now everything seems to be the same nothing really changed between him and my family. I hope it doesn’t my brother is extremely close to my husband my BIL (hubby’s brother) they have been friends before I ever came into the picture so I don’t want to cause any damage to that relationship.
beach Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 Did you guys try to reconcile or did you guys go straight to divorce. It does worry me how the family dynamic could change once the divorce is final. Right now everything seems to be the same nothing really changed between him and my family. I hope it doesn’t my brother is extremely close to my husband my BIL (hubby’s brother) they have been friends before I ever came into the picture so I don’t want to cause any damage to that relationship. Do you really think you hold that much power - that you would affect other people's relationships that much? At the 10 year mark when he cheated - we R. When he cheated at the 20 year mark - I divorced him. I knew I deserved better than that.
Fluttershy Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 AP22, not the thread highjack but I think you are setting your wife up for failure. First, if she knows you are a connected man and you aren't desperate for one she might not think it is worth the extra cash. Second, she may put in a lot of effort and scour every store she can think of and still now find one. If she orders online it may not show up and be under that tree. Just because she doesn't succeed doesn't mean she won't have made a valiant effort. Third, you are testing her and she doesn't even know it on a totally unrelated area. I get you are angry and hate her. But, if you want her to fail sonbad that you are setting her up over an overpriced over rated toy? That speaks more of your maturity than anything. Do you want her to fail at reconciliation? Or do you want her to be a faithful and lovin wife for the rest of your lives together? 1
Fluttershy Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 Do you really think you hold that much power - that you would affect other people's relationships that much? At the 10 year mark when he cheated - we R. When he cheated at the 20 year mark - I divorced him. I knew I deserved better than that. I would say that that isn't what she meant. But it is HER brother. And very rarely in the real world do BIL stay close friends after a divorce. Time passes and this is very much a cause for people to drift apart.
Ap22 Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 AP22, not the thread highjack but I think you are setting your wife up for failure. First, if she knows you are a connected man and you aren't desperate for one she might not think it is worth the extra cash. Second, she may put in a lot of effort and scour every store she can think of and still now find one. If she orders online it may not show up and be under that tree. Just because she doesn't succeed doesn't mean she won't have made a valiant effort. Third, you are testing her and she doesn't even know it on a totally unrelated area. I get you are angry and hate her. But, if you want her to fail sonbad that you are setting her up over an overpriced over rated toy? That speaks more of your maturity than anything. Do you want her to fail at reconciliation? Or do you want her to be a faithful and lovin wife for the rest of your lives together? Yeah I know. Like I said, its not the actual item I care about. I just want the effort. You see, effort is something she rarely gave me prior to finding out about the affair. If it took any effort, she wouldnt do it. Like I said, the item is irrelevant. It may be immature of me, but if the roles were reversed, you best believe I would be doing anything and everything to find whatever item she wanted. now since i'm pretty much playing good cop/bad cop over every issue in my mind since finding out.....heres the bad guy.... She put a buttload of effort into meeting a loser and a hotel and screwing him. She put a buttload of effort into lying to her husband and children and she made me feel like **** for her shortcomings.....so damn it, she better go to the ends of the earth to find this stupid thing....
Fluttershy Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 AP22, but have you made it clear you really want it? I knew my husband wanted that gift that I worked my but off to get. He wanted it really bad. If it had been just a passing though like . "oh I kinda want x" i wouldn't have went to the trouble.
Ap22 Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 AP22, but have you made it clear you really want it? I knew my husband wanted that gift that I worked my but off to get. He wanted it really bad. If it had been just a passing though like . "oh I kinda want x" i wouldn't have went to the trouble. She knows. Believe me. I was going to buy it yesterday but she said "No, I want to get it for you". So I chuckled and said "You know what....go for it. If you manage to get me one, I will be impressed". Seriously, its not hard. 2 minutes for 2 phone calls netted me 2 stores within 5 miles of my house thats had them in stock for the past 2 days. Like I said, I dont give a damn about the actual item. The effort means more to me than anything. Show me you care woman!
Author Sofie2013 Posted December 12, 2013 Author Posted December 12, 2013 She knows. Believe me. I was going to buy it yesterday but she said "No, I want to get it for you". So I chuckled and said "You know what....go for it. If you manage to get me one, I will be impressed". Seriously, its not hard. 2 minutes for 2 phone calls netted me 2 stores within 5 miles of my house thats had them in stock for the past 2 days. Like I said, I dont give a damn about the actual item. The effort means more to me than anything. Show me you care woman! I kind have to agree with you find an Xbox is not that hard. You can get one almost anywhere. I don’t see how she wouldn’t be able get one. If it is question about the money then yeah I can understand since the new cost like 600. Yeah my sons wanted one
Author Sofie2013 Posted December 12, 2013 Author Posted December 12, 2013 I would say that that isn't what she meant. But it is HER brother. And very rarely in the real world do BIL stay close friends after a divorce. Time passes and this is very much a cause for people to drift apart. yeah now they seem cool but what about 5-10 years from now. You hear all those horrible divorce stories and how people end up hating each other. I could be over analyzing everything.
Fluttershy Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 I kind have to agree with you find an Xbox is not that hard. You can get one almost anywhere. I don’t see how she wouldn’t be able get one. If it is question about the money then yeah I can understand since the new cost like 600. Yeah my sons wanted one In my city and local cities they are all sold out. To get one you nee to have connections in a store or campout at a big box store and hope you luck out on getting one. People without a disposable income are better to wait until the price comes down.
Fluttershy Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 yeah now they seem cool but what about 5-10 years from now. You hear all those horrible divorce stories and how people end up hating each other. I could be over analyzing everything. There really is nothing you can do except never make your family feel they have to choose. That means even when exhubby brings some hot young thing around you don't let your brother feel he has to cut H off. Let theur relationship not be about you. The fallout may very well happen but you not being in a snit about q coninued friendship will help.
HokeyReligions Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Pardon if I repeat someone - I didn't read all the posts. I gave my hard to buy for hubby a day of childhood. I arranged it with a buddy of his. For both of them I bought tickets to a gun show and included gas and parking. I gave buddy money for both of them to eat lunch at a favorite restaurant. I gave them unlimited tickets to a game room. A trip to a couple of favorite stores with gift cards to use (hubby bought video games and another place he bought some goofy toy) They went to a movie and got popcorn and candy (double feature) then had dinner and finally came home. He loved it (so did his friend!) Maybe something along that line. It might alleviate some stress and help you both relax.
bentleychic Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 My exH was a big sports fanatic. A jersey from one of his favorite teams or players was always a hit. I think I bought him a different one every Christmas and/or anniversary. LOL
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