Sofie2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 My husband and are currently separated. The short story is he found out I had an affair and now moved and filed for divorce. Right now we are on friendly terms and talk to each other daily. As we know Xmas is right around the corner and I don’t have gift for him yet. My original plan was to buy him super bowl tickets since I will take place in NYC but I can’t afford them now and need new ideas. He's one of those impossible to shop for people, and pretty much every gift I give him is a shot in the dark. The typical things you'd give a man like wallets, watches, video games he just buys himself. He loves sports (soccer, basketball, football) but he already has a bunch of sports stuff and I don’t really want to add to that. Given everything that has happened I do want to get him something nice. What makes hard is I don’t know for sure if he’s coming for Christmas. He did come for thanksgiving so I hope he would to the same for Christmas. So any idea or suggestions would be really helpful. 1
tiredofitall2 Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Buy something that means a lot t him, but is not necessarily expensive. You don't want to come across as trying to buy him. He will not appreciate it.
RightThere Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Maybe tickets to a different (less expensive) sporting event? If he does them, maybe a paid man day at the spa? Or put together a picture collage from some good memories?
compulsivedancer Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Maybe tickets to a different (less expensive) sporting event? If he does them, maybe a paid man day at the spa? Or put together a picture collage from some good memories? Avoid the photo collage. Way too many potential triggers, maybe even ones you've never considered. 3
John-Dough Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 (edited) Maybe tickets to a different (less expensive) sporting event? There you go! But don't make it like he is supposed to go with you. Edited December 11, 2013 by John-Dough 2
Author Sofie2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Author Posted December 11, 2013 Maybe tickets to a different (less expensive) sporting event? If he does them, maybe a paid man day at the spa? Or put together a picture collage from some good memories? I thought of that but the teams he supports suck right now and he can mostly get them for free through different friends. Buying tickets see any NY team is costly and I don’t want to go over $150
Author Sofie2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Author Posted December 11, 2013 Avoid the photo collage. Way too many potential triggers, maybe even ones you've never considered. yeah that’s my main concern I don’t want to add any more triggers.
Fluttershy Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 One year I wanted to get my husband a Christmas gift that was well beyond our budget. (around the price of the cheap tickets for the super bowl). So, i went through my house and parted with a lot of stuff. In just over a week i had the money. I used local facebook buy and sells for my vicinity. But you can also use craigslist or kijiji. I sold furniture I didn't need, kitchen gadgets I never use, and the kids toys they had grown out of. Obviously you can't sell joint things but you may be surprised at how much stuff you can sell and not miss. It was a very satisfied feeling when I bought him his gift. Just another idea.
Snowflower Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 (edited) There are some good suggestions here. I have found that as a BS (like your H), that the smallest things meant the most. Is there a gift that you can come up with that would be something unique and special for just him? I know he is hard to shop for but maybe a gift that is very thoughtful and one that you can come up with and give because you know him so well. Keep the gift simple but heartfelt, that would be my advice. Other ideas would maybe be concert tickets for a performer he likes, or an adventure such as kayaking. I have seen offers where the outfitter provides the kayak, the lesson, a kayak tour, a meal, etc. and offered as a holiday package you can buy now. Might be something new and fun for him. Again, let him know that you don't expect to be invited to the sporting event, concert, adventure, etc. if you go that route. Good luck! Edited December 11, 2013 by Snowflower
Spectre Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 (edited) Hmm, it's hard to say what a good gift would be. Especially with situations like this. Though I will say the super bowl tickets being too expensive for you might be a good thing. Since for me if I got those I would definitely think "oh she is trying to compensate for something". As for a gift, think about what he needs right now. What is going on in his life? Has maybe anything recently broken, gotten lost, etc. he might need replaced? Also why not just ask him if there is anything he wants for X-Mas? Then you can decide which of the things you want to give him. I don't know, maybe that sounds a bit too mundane, but on the other hand it might show him how you are still paying attention to him. Also I would maybe hold back to see if he gives you a present first before you give him your gift for him. Have to eat your pride and get down on your knees and beg him for another chance! I find this to be some bad advice. Having read the OP's other threads she definitely needs to stop pursuing her husband in any type of romantic way and let him get on with that part of his life with someone else. At this point begging would just trigger anger and resentment. As hard as it might be she needs to settle for just being his friend. Also like someone else said..do NOT do a photo collage or anything like that, you do not want to be giving him any triggers. Speaking of triggers, photo's aren't the only thing that can be triggers, so definitely think about what you are getting him and if there is any chance it too might be a trigger. Even if one might not seem like a trigger to you try to think about it from his perspective. Edited December 12, 2013 by Spectre
Jonah Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 Make him something. Even if it turns out a mess he will cherish it more than anything you could buy. 1
Clay Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 Sofie, Are you good with crafts? Why not make him something? Maybe have sports and pictures of you all together. Its more personal that way. Clay
Spectre Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 (edited) Yeah! That's exactly what I did with my ex wife is that we settled on being friends. My point to Sofie is that gift giving isn't proven to work especially after all the gifts that I bought for my ex wife. The last being a 70k suv upon presenting it to her with the keys " okay now we we can drive to the mountains together" the only person who went to the mountains to go skiing with her was our daughter's ex 21 year old bf. Every weekend they were in Banff, Jasper, Fernie, whistler skiing while I was siting on the edge of couch waiting for the phone to ring, man that was a stupid thing to do was to buy all those gifts thinking that something positive might come out of it. Damn man..I feel for you. It just never ceases to amaze how horrible people can treat others they claim to be in love with. I know nobody is perfect, but holy cow there are just some lines you don't cross..some lines that should make you sick when you even think about crossing them. I'm in a relationship and yeah I've seen other girls and thought they were pretty, been sexually attracted to them, etc. but the idea of actually going through with it and doing anything with these girls just repulses me because the first thing that comes to mind is my girlfriends face..her face would be all I'd see and I could never in a million years do that. Edited December 12, 2013 by Spectre
whiterabbit46 Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 What a sweet lady. I don't think that WHAT you get him is as meaningful as the fact that you're thinking of him at Christmas. He'd have to be pretty dense not to appreciate the thought and effort you're putting out for him.
Author Sofie2013 Posted December 12, 2013 Author Posted December 12, 2013 One year I wanted to get my husband a Christmas gift that was well beyond our budget. (around the price of the cheap tickets for the super bowl). So, i went through my house and parted with a lot of stuff. In just over a week i had the money. I used local facebook buy and sells for my vicinity. But you can also use craigslist or kijiji. I sold furniture I didn't need, kitchen gadgets I never use, and the kids toys they had grown out of. Obviously you can't sell joint things but you may be surprised at how much stuff you can sell and not miss. It was a very satisfied feeling when I bought him his gift. Just another idea. Coming up with the money isn’t the problem. As of now I don’t have a job and I don’t know when I will be able to find one. For me to waste that kind of money now just isn’t the smartest thing to do. I would love to be able but I have to think about myself and the kids. My husband is already helping me out a lot and me going out and buying something so expensive doesn’t look good. Besides the teams the will probably play in the super bowl aren’t his favorites. Thanks anyway
Cinnimon Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 Sofie, I'm not sure if this would be considered a "trigger" gift or not but I am going to throw it out there. I did this for my parents one year when I was broke and wanted to make it more meaningful then about money. I took a little world globe that came apart (got it at World Market), I took a photo of my children, put it in a little frame and put it inside the globe. I put a little note inside that said "You've got the whole world in your hands".
beach Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 The Christmas we were separated and planning to divorce - I had my kids give him the gifts he would get. He came to the house to open gifts with them that morning - I fixed the usual big fancy breakfast. He opened gifts with us and ate that morning...and sobbed like a baby.
Author Sofie2013 Posted December 12, 2013 Author Posted December 12, 2013 Other ideas would maybe be concert tickets for a performer he likes, or an adventure such as kayaking. I have seen offers where the outfitter provides the kayak, the lesson, a kayak tour, a meal, etc. and offered as a holiday package you can buy now. Might be something new and fun for him. Again, let him know that you don't expect to be invited to the sporting event, concert, adventure, etc. if you go that route. Good luck! I like this idea. My husband always down to try something new. Kayaking could be something him and the kids can enjoy together. I have to look into. He probably would have to go somewhere upstate. Sending him on adventure to do something crazy does sounds like a good idea. One of the first dates he took me on was to go hand gliding. It was one of the scariest things I ever. done but it was a lot of fun. So he does like stuff like that 1
Journee Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 What about something like a project gift from/ with your children? Something that you would facilitate and see through with them. He may really cherish something this year from his constants on the world ( your children). There may not be anything you could do to prevent him from triggering. The first major holidays after discovery are one big trigger. I hope he does come and stay for Christmas. If anything it will be nice for your boys.
Author Sofie2013 Posted December 12, 2013 Author Posted December 12, 2013 Sofie, I'm not sure if this would be considered a "trigger" gift or not but I am going to throw it out there. I did this for my parents one year when I was broke and wanted to make it more meaningful then about money. I took a little world globe that came apart (got it at World Market), I took a photo of my children, put it in a little frame and put it inside the globe. I put a little note inside that said "You've got the whole world in your hands". OMG that sounds like the cutest thing ever. 1
Author Sofie2013 Posted December 12, 2013 Author Posted December 12, 2013 The Christmas we were separated and planning to divorce - I had my kids give him the gifts he would get. He came to the house to open gifts with them that morning - I fixed the usual big fancy breakfast. He opened gifts with us and ate that morning...and sobbed like a baby. Did you guys go through with the divorce. I hope my husband Stays. My family is coming and all of them would like it if he stayed. My husband and his brother really are the life of the party 1
Nessienu Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 (edited) I agree, the smallest things do mean the most. A co-worker of mine got a very unique and special gift from her hubby, small, but def heartfelt. google elite glass cards. I hope things work out for you and your hubby. Edited December 12, 2013 by Nessienu
beach Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 Did you guys go through with the divorce. I hope my husband Stays. My family is coming and all of them would like it if he stayed. My husband and his brother really are the life of the party Yes we divorced. Long marriage. He didn't know how to be faithful. I've learned the skill of balancing grace in social settings when we are at the same gathering. Like this past week when my son was in the hospital... All his family showed up - and so did mine. Odd because we don't all gather very often anymore... But everyone is gracious - as it should be in those circumstances like graduations and funerals - it helps. 1
A.Moscote Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 First of all congratulations Sophie on having a nice week with the family. Now about the present, does your husband likes listening to music? You can give him an album. Simple and not expensive. You just need a bit of time to find a suitable album, from artist and genre that he might like, not necessarily from his favorite, preferably not a love songs compilation, and certainly should avoid trigger song. Some OST from video games are really good. If you worry a music album might be too trivial, you can give it together with other present or give it at last before your husband go back to his place, you know as a kind of "TQ for being here today" gift. Or if You're willing to be a bit quirky, just leave it in his car compartment. Stick a note of course. Good luck.
aliveagain Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 How about a men's only cooking class. Gives him time with other men going through the same thing and teaches him cooking skills that will benifit the children and perhaps you in the near future. Most men want to learn the art of preparing a great and healthy meal for their children( I have to be honest, it's also a skill they will need when dating but I was trying to keep it about the kids, but I don't want to lie about that possible reality). I am thinking about putting some classes together for divorcing men in my area. Gives them a chance to get out without worring about interacting with women and allows them to discuss what they are going through with other men in the same situation. Just an idea.
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