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I think my husband is cheating on me

Menilou

By Menilou
in Infidelity

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Menilou New Member

Menilou

Posted
Posted

Hello everyone!

First of all excuse my English (i am from Europe). Well all started 2 months ago. Unfortunately I lost my job after 15years and I was playing a game in the internet. I accidentally saw my husband's page in Facebook but I had no password. So I made a new one and saw a message from a woman saying "hey, I just finished work, i will you text you at night, have a nice afternoon". Anyway I searched it a lot and he admitted that he flirted with her for a couple of months, that she is married, and that nothing sexual ever took place. Of course I don't believe him, but I don't have real proofs. We have a child together (5 years old) and I recently lost my job. I feel hopeless. I don't know what to do. I thought we were happy together. Now everything has fallen apart. How is it possible that he is cheating on me with no guilt? What kind of a person is that? I also believe that she is not the only one. I found 2 other strange messages form 2 other different women but not something conclusive. He is lying constantly. How can I find evidences? My main concern now is To find a job and then evidences. Any ideas? Please! Thank you all in advance

Ap22 Established Member

Ap22

Posted
Posted

Go buy a voice activated recorder and put it under the seat of his car. I wish I had done that a long time ago since it turns out my wife always had conversations with the OM on her way home from work.

 

As far as guilt, I dont know how they do it and not feel guilty. I could never cheat on my wife. If I did, the guilt would eat me up inside. People like this are just plain selfish. They are #1 and its all about them.

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Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

Posted
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hmmm.... hard to say. Nothing in that message screams affair; but, why would she text him at night?

 

I agree with AP22, get a VAR and plant it in his car, but secure it with Velcro so it doesn't slide around. Most cheaters do most of their communicating while driving. You may catch his side of conversations and see if he's saying anything inappropriate.

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Realist3 Established Member

Realist3

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Posted
hmmm.... hard to say. Nothing in that message screams affair; but, why would she text him at night?

 

I agree with AP22, get a VAR and plant it in his car, but secure it with Velcro so it doesn't slide around. Most cheaters do most of their communicating while driving. You may catch his side of conversations and see if he's saying anything inappropriate.

 

 

I'm really curious as to where this commonly stated idea came from.

 

Most people in affairs communicate with each other quite a bit during any given day. The time spent in the car is minimal for most folks.

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KathyM Established Member

KathyM

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Posted

You could get a keylogger, since his communications with these women are over the internet.

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Ap22 Established Member

Ap22

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I'm really curious as to where this commonly stated idea came from.

 

Most people in affairs communicate with each other quite a bit during any given day. The time spent in the car is minimal for most folks.

 

Well you have to figure this is free time when they are alone. Its sometimes hard to do it at work. Doing it at home is too risky. Its the perfect time to do it because no one can is around.

 

My wife had most of her convos with him on her way home from work. She would even hang up with me when he called.

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yellowmaverick Established Member

yellowmaverick

Posted
Posted
Well you have to figure this is free time when they are alone. Its sometimes hard to do it at work. Doing it at home is too risky. Its the perfect time to do it because no one can is around.

 

My wife had most of her convos with him on her way home from work. She would even hang up with me when he called.

 

Same here. About 2/3 of the phone calls were done in the car. The rest at work or late at night. Our phone records showed at least two instances where he was on the phone to the OW and did not take a call from a child to ask why he was late picking her up from practice.

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Realist3 Established Member

Realist3

Posted
Posted
Well you have to figure this is free time when they are alone. Its sometimes hard to do it at work. Doing it at home is too risky. Its the perfect time to do it because no one can is around.

 

My wife had most of her convos with him on her way home from work. She would even hang up with me when he called.

 

It may be the perfect time, but it also very brief. Affair partners talk way much more than that.

 

 

You may catch something there, but that is not the main place they are talking.

experiencethedevine Established Member

experiencethedevine

Posted
Posted (edited)
It may be the perfect time, but it also very brief. Affair partners talk way much more than that.

 

 

You may catch something there, but that is not the main place they are talking.

 

 

You cannot make such assumptions based on your own experiences. Each situation may have different criteria for contact. You do not.

 

 

To state that affair partners talk 'way much more than that' can only be correct if you know how every other affair is conducted.

Edited by experiencethedevine
addition
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ClemsonTigers Established Member

ClemsonTigers

Posted
Posted
It may be the perfect time, but it also very brief. Affair partners talk way much more than that.

 

 

You may catch something there, but that is not the main place they are talking.

 

So what…it's the easiest most accessible place to corner them and most likely record some suspected conversations. It's not like a BS needs to have ALL their conversations anyway as they mostly just sound like hormonal delusional teenagers. "you hang up, no YOU hang up, you're my soulmate, no, YOUR my soulmate" crap. Most BS just want evidence that they aren't going crazy and to gather some intelligence.

 

Besides unless you plant a bug (with bluetooth so you can retrieve the information) directly on your spouse how exactly do you spy on them while they are going about their day? You can't plant recorders everywhere (though an extra one in say the kitchen, basement and/or bathroom couldn't hurt - you can always return the extra devices with a receipt)

 

Sure a IPhone or Android snooping App would be nice to use and get both sides of the conversations but that's usually overkill and too advanced for most persons plus waywards guard their phone like Fort Knox which complicates getting timely retrieval of information.

 

The recorder in the car is simple, unexpected and it works great (except when fast forwarding through hours of music on the radio to the interesting points where they turn the music down to take a phone call).

 

Also…sometimes you don't catch the conversations with the affair partner but even better ones with their best friends. Waywards lie and speak in codes to their affair partners so you don't know what to believe…but they sometimes share all the stories and plans with their conspiring friends.

 

Agree also with others…waywards are paranoid and skittish. They often have their most intimate conversations in the car where they FEEL guaranteed to be safe.

  • Like 3
Journee Established Member

Journee

Posted
Posted
It may be the perfect time, but it also very brief. Affair partners talk way much more than that.

 

 

You may catch something there, but that is not the main place they are talking.

 

I thought every AP darn near stomps their feet that not all A's are the same?

 

Not everyone snap chats and e-mails. Not everyone has freedom to make personal calls at work or IM until their fingers fall off. Or play games on computers and phones. Not everyone can sit with a laptop computer for hours in the evening at home. So I guess each situation is different.

 

Some folks have long commutes to work or steal moments running errands. We hear about that all the time. If anything this could be an EA and even a few moments of conversation could confirm that. Even if there are no expressions of love and planning the demise of another's life as they know it, this sounds like something the OP is uncomfortable with. It doesn't feel appropriate to her and lots of married folks do not care for their spouse to chat and text with people of the opposite sex.

 

OP I am sorry you are feeling this way and it takes your breath away to find even small bits of evidence. The only tools I had access to during my suspicions were the phone bill. That sealed the deal for me. I saw that phone log and text log. So, I knew when conversations took place and that was not something that we had ordinarily taken part in. Having daily conversations for long periods of time before and after work with someone the other did not know of. I called the number and the rest is history. My H and I were not even living together. We were separated (for non A reasons) and in the middle of what I thought was a reconciliation. Intuition is an incredible gift. I felt it just weeks in. Smoke meet fire.

 

What kinds of things do you have access to OP? Phone bills and such?

  • Like 2
HopingAgain Established Member

HopingAgain

Posted
Posted
So what…it's the easiest most accessible place to corner them and most likely record some suspected conversations. It's not like a BS needs to have ALL their conversations anyway as they mostly just sound like hormonal delusional teenagers. "you hang up, no YOU hang up, you're my soulmate, no, YOUR my soulmate" crap. Most BS just want evidence that they aren't going crazy and to gather some intelligence.

 

Besides unless you plant a bug (with bluetooth so you can retrieve the information) directly on your spouse how exactly do you spy on them while they are going about their day? You can't plant recorders everywhere (though an extra one in say the kitchen, basement and/or bathroom couldn't hurt - you can always return the extra devices with a receipt)

 

Sure a IPhone or Android snooping App would be nice to use and get both sides of the conversations but that's usually overkill and too advanced for most persons plus waywards guard their phone like Fort Knox which complicates getting timely retrieval of information.

 

The recorder in the car is simple, unexpected and it works great (except when fast forwarding through hours of music on the radio to the interesting points where they turn the music down to take a phone call).

 

Also…sometimes you don't catch the conversations with the affair partner but even better ones with their best friends. Waywards lie and speak in codes to their affair partners so you don't know what to believe…but they sometimes share all the stories and plans with their conspiring friends.

 

Agree also with others…waywards are paranoid and skittish. They often have their most intimate conversations in the car where they FEEL guaranteed to be safe.

 

True on all points. VAR in the truck told me practically everything about the affair as WH shsred details with his friends.

  • Like 1
Fluttershy Established Member

Fluttershy

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Among my friends phone talking has been almost conpletely replaced with texting.

Spectre Established Member

Spectre

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I too would have trouble believing what this guy is saying. While I suppose some people out there are just flirts and sometimes don't know when they are taking it too far..I also think common sense has to apply. Why would a married men need to flirt with several women, for months? Sounds like a potential emotional affair at the very least.

 

Though yeah it sounds like he is cheating, you need to get rid of him. You having no job and a child does complicate things, so yeah first try to get some concrete evidence, then you certainly will get child support, etc. from him once you divorce him.

 

Also, I don't know why everyone is making that big of a deal over the voice recorder in the car. So what if it doesn't pick up much? It couldn't hurt having it.

 

As far as guilt, I dont know how they do it and not feel guilty. I could never cheat on my wife. If I did, the guilt would eat me up inside. People like this are just plain selfish. They are #1 and its all about them.

 

Well, it's easy not to feel guilty about something if you don't have any respect for the person.

  • Like 1
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Menilou New Member

Menilou

Posted
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Posted

Unfortunately I don't have access to his phone bill. And he is not driving a car but a motorcycle. The best evidence for me would be the phone bill but he is not that stupid to give it to me. I believe that whatever it was is now terminated, but i want to know the truth. I am thinking of putting something like a recorder or similar device in his office. He has his own office so I guess this would be a good start. I am so afraid to get caught by him but I don't think I have any other choice.

Artie Lang Established Member

Artie Lang

Posted
Posted (edited)

trust your gut..... ALWAYS trust your gut.

 

you can start by pulling phone records. go through your monthly bill statement and look for a spike in minutes or calls to numbers you don't recognize.

 

also, look for red flags, like him being overly cautious with his phone and/or computer. if this is the case, a VAR and keylogger is your next step.

Edited by Artie Lang
  • Like 3
Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

Posted
Posted

Bugging your own house and martial property is one thing, but placing recorders at his place of employment, now you are going to start messing with a lot of wire taping laws.

jimloveslips Established Member

jimloveslips

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Of course I don't believe him

 

Why?

Has he done this before?

Or are you just looking for an excuse?

Realist3 Established Member

Realist3

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Posted

I'm not saying don't use a VAR. What I was trying to say is do not limit yourself to just a VAR and assume everything is cool when you get nothing. Data or text has taken over call volume nation wide. So just going by averages and trends the chances of catching someone with a VAR is diminishing.

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Menilou New Member

Menilou

Posted
  • Author
Posted

We have talked about this again and again. At first he told me that she is a friend and she wants him to help her get a job. Then I found out that she has a job and a good one. Then he told me that she is flirting with him and that he doesn't like her. Then I found calls from him to her, so more lies! A few days after the discovery of this message she blocked him out of the Facebook, so that also proves that something was there between them. After many discussions he admitted that he liked her but nothing sexual happened. I don't believe him because he told me so many lies. I want to get my hands to his phone bill but he is not going to give me. Even now that I called and he dosent pick up my mind makes up scenarios. I can't live like this any more.

Clay Established Member

Clay

Posted
Posted

You don't deserve to live like that either. I would calm down and focus on gathering all the evidence. I would consider getting a var and possibly a gps tracker and put it on his car.

 

Give him enough rope to hang himself.

 

Once you have gathered it all then just lay it all out and tell him to leave.

 

Let him go think on that for a while and worry what you are going to do or what you are thinking.

 

Clay

  • Like 1
Fluttershy Established Member

Fluttershy

Posted
Posted

Here is the thing. If you are suspected of a crime you did not commit it hurts. It sucks. But, when you are innocent you do everything to prove your innocence. So in the case of infidelity you hand over your phone and bills. The ones who don't generally are engaging in an affair and want to mke you feel guilty. The ones who aren't have nothing to hide.

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