KelC411 Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Ok, so I think I already know what people are going to say, but, I have such a strong urge to break NC to defend myself. Especially if I just unblocked him on facebook, sent it, and reblocked him. I want to tell him that emotional cheating is still cheating ESPECIALLY since he was going out of his way to put on a show of loving me still. And I want to tell him that is was cruel to pin the end of the relationship all on me ESPECIALLY since he implied I had trust issues when I felt weird that he hung out with this girl alone and NOW HE IS WITH HER. AND that it is such bull since he spent the entire relationship telling me to trust him, take him at "face value," that he would always be open and honest and now is like "well you had to notice I was pulling away," when he was still talking to me about OUR FUTURE CHILDREN. He is a narcissist and I know he truly believes that this was all my fault. It just seems so unfair that he gets to walk away feeling like this white knight who did no wrong, when I know thats not the truth. And I cant imagine the crap he has told her about me and the relatiknship, for her to jump right into a relationship with him..... Have any of you broken NC to defend yourself? Did it make you feel better or worse?
RDawg Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Breaking no contact is a tool to get your ex back and should not be used for self defence. 1
polynomial Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 I've done it and it didn't bring me a peace of mind. Honestly, you have to make peace with yourself, telling him all of that isn't going to change anything plus I think he already knows this stuff himself as well. 2
BC1980 Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 You're assuming he's going to agree with what you say. He probably won't. Believe me, I'd love to give my ex an earful, but the problem is that he wouldn't understand. People easily justify what they do. 1
PegNosePete Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Do you know what will happen if you send a message like that? He will print it off, and show it to his new girlfriend and all his mates down the pub, and they will all have a big laugh about the crazy message he got from his psycho ex girlfriend. Is that what you want? 5
Author KelC411 Posted December 11, 2013 Author Posted December 11, 2013 Breaking no contact is a tool to get your ex back and should not be used for self defence. Truth. Even though I say I dont want him back, I obviously still feel the need to prove something to him, huh?
Author KelC411 Posted December 11, 2013 Author Posted December 11, 2013 I've done it and it didn't bring me a peace of mind. Honestly, you have to make peace with yourself, telling him all of that isn't going to change anything plus I think he already knows this stuff himself as well. Thanks, polynomial. You are right. I suspected it would probably not actually make me feel any better. I guess just want to do anything to not feel so helpless.
Author KelC411 Posted December 11, 2013 Author Posted December 11, 2013 You're assuming he's going to agree with what you say. He probably won't. Believe me, I'd love to give my ex an earful, but the problem is that he wouldn't understand. People easily justify what they do. Good point. If he truly thinks he is right, its not like I am going to cause him to have an epiphany.
Author KelC411 Posted December 11, 2013 Author Posted December 11, 2013 Do you know what will happen if you send a message like that? He will print it off, and show it to his new girlfriend and all his mates down the pub, and they will all have a big laugh about the crazy message he got from his psycho ex girlfriend. Is that what you want? Ouch. Thanks for your honesty. You are probably right. I guess its best to keep my pride (well what is left of it) and just close that chapter of my life with dignity.
BC1980 Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Thanks, polynomial. You are right. I suspected it would probably not actually make me feel any better. I guess just want to do anything to not feel so helpless. Trust me, I've definitely wanted to write my ex an email telling him how I think he was wrong for what he did, ect. I think we've all been there, but we have to look at why we want to send an email like that. I think that want mainly comes from loosing control after being dumped. You want to try to regain some control, so you think you will shame your ex into thinking he/she is a bad person. You feel terrible after being dumped, so you feel that it's only fair for your ex to feel like sh*t too. The problem is that your ex isn't going to read that email and think, "I totally agree. I'm such a bad person. I feel awful now." Your ex will think your are nuts or feel sorry for you. They will think how it's too bad that you are still hung up on the past relationship. Also, it's always better to take the high road. It might feel good for a few days, but, ultimately, telling someone off doesn't make you feel any better as a person. In fact, you will probably feel foolish down the line and somewhat embarrassed that you cared that much. I know it's very tempting, but I always say not to do something out of pure emotion. 1
BC1980 Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Do you know what will happen if you send a message like that? He will print it off, and show it to his new girlfriend and all his mates down the pub, and they will all have a big laugh about the crazy message he got from his psycho ex girlfriend. Is that what you want? This is likely to happen. We all know people who have a "crazy ex." Don't be that person. Even if you were treated terribly, you always come off looking crazy if you get emotional and tell someone off. It shows that you can't control your emotions, and you can't do that in front of your ex. Vent to anyone else, but you must always show indifference to your ex.
d0nnivain Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Reblock him on FB for your own sanity. There is no need to defend yourself. No matter what you do, the people who are on his side will stay on his side & paint you as the bad guy. The best way to defend yourself is to hold your head up because you know the truth. Other than the guy who lied to me about the status of his divorce, after I broke up with somebody when asked by anyone other than my very closest friends, my answer was always the same: "We ended the relationship because we had different views about where it was going & what it would look like when we got there." 1
crazybestie101 Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Ok, so I think I already know what people are going to say, but, I have such a strong urge to break NC to defend myself. Especially if I just unblocked him on facebook, sent it, and reblocked him. I want to tell him that emotional cheating is still cheating ESPECIALLY since he was going out of his way to put on a show of loving me still. And I want to tell him that is was cruel to pin the end of the relationship all on me ESPECIALLY since he implied I had trust issues when I felt weird that he hung out with this girl alone and NOW HE IS WITH HER. AND that it is such bull since he spent the entire relationship telling me to trust him, take him at "face value," that he would always be open and honest and now is like "well you had to notice I was pulling away," when he was still talking to me about OUR FUTURE CHILDREN. He is a narcissist and I know he truly believes that this was all my fault. It just seems so unfair that he gets to walk away feeling like this white knight who did no wrong, when I know thats not the truth. And I cant imagine the crap he has told her about me and the relatiknship, for her to jump right into a relationship with him..... Have any of you broken NC to defend yourself? Did it make you feel better or worse? Hello , I agree with all posters here specially BC1980 . But let me tell you i actually did opposite of what is being said here. Last week, i sent out "resentment letter" to my ex. I haven't got any response as expected. Yes , i felt little foolish after 2 days. But i really wanted to tell him off in order to get off chest and move on with my life. I was so hung up. So did he read my email ? May be , may be not. I don't know if he even put me on those filters where my email wont reach to him. I don't know. No reply truly hurted but expected. Did your ex laugh about it ? Most of them , Not all. I know my ex WOULDN'T. He probably sorry for that i am still hurting and stretching it as much as i can.Honestly , i really don't care how he thinks of me now. He is just stranger to me. I don't like him , i never want to see him and hope he disappears somewhere. In my case , i took it off my chest , i felt so relieved , somewhere down the road ,i know he is going to give thought to this email but it's going to be too late. I felt like i had to say this otherwise entire life my ex will be in disbelief that he was right and i was the wrong one. However , in NO mean i am telling you to follow my path because it's not RECCOMENDED. I did it for myself & was ready to face it's consequences.
crazybestie101 Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Ok, so I think I already know what people are going to say, but, I have such a strong urge to break NC to defend myself. Especially if I just unblocked him on facebook, sent it, and reblocked him. I want to tell him that emotional cheating is still cheating ESPECIALLY since he was going out of his way to put on a show of loving me still. And I want to tell him that is was cruel to pin the end of the relationship all on me ESPECIALLY since he implied I had trust issues when I felt weird that he hung out with this girl alone and NOW HE IS WITH HER. AND that it is such bull since he spent the entire relationship telling me to trust him, take him at "face value," that he would always be open and honest and now is like "well you had to notice I was pulling away," when he was still talking to me about OUR FUTURE CHILDREN. He is a narcissist and I know he truly believes that this was all my fault. It just seems so unfair that he gets to walk away feeling like this white knight who did no wrong, when I know thats not the truth. And I cant imagine the crap he has told her about me and the relatiknship, for her to jump right into a relationship with him..... Have any of you broken NC to defend yourself? Did it make you feel better or worse? PM me if you want to talk more about it 1
radiodarcy Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 The notion of breaking NC to defend oneself doesn't really make any sense to me. Maybe because when I think of self-defense, I think in terms of like, if your ex is coming at you, trying to physically harm you. Then ok - - that's defending yourself. But defending yourself in terms of the stories he's telling about you - - isn't really self-defense. They're just stories. You know the truth of how things were and that's all that really matters. Yes, I can understand it's iinfuriating that the people he's telling the stories to aren't hearing your side. But they're not likely to believe you at this point anyway. Besides, it sounds to me like your ex has bought into those stories himself. So trying to set the record straight isn't likely to change any minds - -least of all his. In short - - don't do it 2
reddragon588 Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Defend yourself from what? Why does it matter. The only person your actions need to be justified to is yourself. 3
Author KelC411 Posted December 11, 2013 Author Posted December 11, 2013 Trust me, I've definitely wanted to write my ex an email telling him how I think he was wrong for what he did, ect. I think we've all been there, but we have to look at why we want to send an email like that. I think that want mainly comes from loosing control after being dumped. You want to try to regain some control, so you think you will shame your ex into thinking he/she is a bad person. You feel terrible after being dumped, so you feel that it's only fair for your ex to feel like sh*t too. The problem is that your ex isn't going to read that email and think, "I totally agree. I'm such a bad person. I feel awful now." Your ex will think your are nuts or feel sorry for you. They will think how it's too bad that you are still hung up on the past relationship. Also, it's always better to take the high road. It might feel good for a few days, but, ultimately, telling someone off doesn't make you feel any better as a person. In fact, you will probably feel foolish down the line and somewhat embarrassed that you cared that much. I know it's very tempting, but I always say not to do something out of pure emotion. Good advice. You are right. He will probably just use it as proof that he was justified in dumping me.
Author KelC411 Posted December 11, 2013 Author Posted December 11, 2013 Reblock him on FB for your own sanity. There is no need to defend yourself. No matter what you do, the people who are on his side will stay on his side & paint you as the bad guy. The best way to defend yourself is to hold your head up because you know the truth. Other than the guy who lied to me about the status of his divorce, after I broke up with somebody when asked by anyone other than my very closest friends, my answer was always the same: "We ended the relationship because we had different views about where it was going & what it would look like when we got there." Good point. If I know the truth and know Im not crazy then that should be enough. Its just annoying for him to think he is right.
Author KelC411 Posted December 11, 2013 Author Posted December 11, 2013 Hello , I agree with all posters here specially BC1980 . But let me tell you i actually did opposite of what is being said here. Last week, i sent out "resentment letter" to my ex. I haven't got any response as expected. Yes , i felt little foolish after 2 days. But i really wanted to tell him off in order to get off chest and move on with my life. I was so hung up. So did he read my email ? May be , may be not. I don't know if he even put me on those filters where my email wont reach to him. I don't know. No reply truly hurted but expected. Did your ex laugh about it ? Most of them , Not all. I know my ex WOULDN'T. He probably sorry for that i am still hurting and stretching it as much as i can.Honestly , i really don't care how he thinks of me now. He is just stranger to me. I don't like him , i never want to see him and hope he disappears somewhere. In my case , i took it off my chest , i felt so relieved , somewhere down the road ,i know he is going to give thought to this email but it's going to be too late. I felt like i had to say this otherwise entire life my ex will be in disbelief that he was right and i was the wrong one. However , in NO mean i am telling you to follow my path because it's not RECCOMENDED. I did it for myself & was ready to face it's consequences. Thanks for sharing your experience. Sometimes I think it would help me get it off my chest, but it probably would just hurt when I didnt hear from him or heard something nasty (which is probably what would happen).
Author KelC411 Posted December 11, 2013 Author Posted December 11, 2013 PM me if you want to talk more about it And thanks for the PM offer! I dont think I have the status to be able to use that function yet, but I still really appreciate it.
Author KelC411 Posted December 11, 2013 Author Posted December 11, 2013 The notion of breaking NC to defend oneself doesn't really make any sense to me. Maybe because when I think of self-defense, I think in terms of like, if your ex is coming at you, trying to physically harm you. Then ok - - that's defending yourself. But defending yourself in terms of the stories he's telling about you - - isn't really self-defense. They're just stories. You know the truth of how things were and that's all that really matters. Yes, I can understand it's iinfuriating that the people he's telling the stories to aren't hearing your side. But they're not likely to believe you at this point anyway. Besides, it sounds to me like your ex has bought into those stories himself. So trying to set the record straight isn't likely to change any minds - -least of all his. In short - - don't do it Good point. But it IS infuriating! But my truth should be enough for me I suppose. Especially since he chose to leave my life and his thoughts and beliefs arent my concern anymore.
Author KelC411 Posted December 11, 2013 Author Posted December 11, 2013 Defend yourself from what? Why does it matter. The only person your actions need to be justified to is yourself. True. I guess I probably have some guilt too. Still sometimes caught in the blame game, wondering what I did wrong and why Im not as good as his new gf. So I feel the need to point out what he did wrong. But I just need to move past it, and continued contact with him is not the way.
fixing Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Hey. Dont message him anything. Like another poster said. He will print the email and show off to all his friends that his ex is still chasing him. Save your pride and dignity. 2
radiodarcy Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Good point. But it IS infuriating! But my truth should be enough for me I suppose. Especially since he chose to leave my life and his thoughts and beliefs arent my concern anymore. Look at it this way, people will believe what they choose to believe. Or they can seek out an alternative explanation if they choose to do so. If he is telling mutual friends about the relationship, they have the option to go to you to get your side of the story. If not, that's their preogative as well - - it doesn't necessarily mean they believe his side, it could just mean they don't want to be caught in the middle. But it's as you said, you are no longer together, so it's no longer your concern what kinds of stories he tells. And - - as others on this thread have said as well, he's pretty much poisoned the well so that you would look foolish trying to set the record straight.
reddragon588 Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 True. I guess I probably have some guilt too. Still sometimes caught in the blame game, wondering what I did wrong and why Im not as good as his new gf. So I feel the need to point out what he did wrong. But I just need to move past it, and continued contact with him is not the way. The blame falls on him for running instead of being open and honest and trying to work through the issues.
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