experiencethedevine Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Another post ignited this question: Have you experienced a connection in whatever way to infidelity and pornography? I deal with the effects of pornography addiction in my professional life, but am rather more curious about the connections you might have had in relation to your experience of infidelity. While my husband was in his affair, he bought a laptop, and became heavily invested in date sites, porn sites (some very extreme) sex chat and the like. Apparently his other woman (who was clandestinely infiltrating his email account) discovered this during the affair and demanded he stop. 2 years after dday, I packed my husbands belongings and had them delivered to his work (he was in Singapore at the time!) when I discovered his borderline addiction to porn. He committed himself to hypnotherapy to address his 'problem' with it, became the husband I recognised and has not had anything to do with porn since. I wondered if anyone else had experienced something akin.
threelaurels Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 In my experience, there was no connection--which is actually kind of surprising because my ex was a sex addict. It could be that I just didn't know about it, but he didn't seem to have porn habits that were atypical for a man in his early 20s. Personally, I don't have a problem with pornography. I use it, my boyfriend uses it, and I think it can benefit couples and help them explore sexually when they are open and honest about it. I am just a very sex-positive person in general though. With that said, porn can become a bona fide addiction for some people, especially those with addictive personalities. When porn use starts affecting your sex life or crossing the boundaries of your marriage (i.e. interactive porn, without permission), it's a problem that needs to be addressed. The difference between normal porn use and an addiction is the degree to which it affects your life. I don't think I've ever read any scholarly publications about infidelity and porn addiction, but I wouldn't be surprised if there were some. The #1 thing all cheaters have in common is low self-control, which is also very much a defining feature of those with addictions of any kind. 1
Raena Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 My ex was also addicted to porn. He watched it all the time. In fact, not long before I found out the truth about him and his OW I caught him in the act of taking care of business by himself on the couch while I lay in the bedroom waiting patiently for him to come to bed. I was actually offended that he chose to pleasure himself rather than come be with me. There I was, all hot-blooded, just laying in wait for him to get home from work, 20 minutes go by and he hasn't come to bed yet so I went to check on him. What a sight to see. Now, after the fact, I have to wonder why he was so disgusted by me he'd rather be with another woman or watch porn and take care of business alone. It stings a little, ok... a lot. Whether or not it is linked to his infidelities I'm not sure, but it does certainly point out his selfishness. 2
NitroJones Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 My husband is a sex addict and he also has a porn addiction. When I would come to our bedroom and turn on the TV he would have has porn in the DVD player. I initially didn't have a problem with it until his collection became ridiculously out of control. Sometimes I would wake up with him masturbating to his video right next to me with the TV volume down, but what I truly find funny is once I had everything about his infidelities and everything was out in the open . He was embarrassed that he found me watching one of his video's hell I wasn't having sex with him at the time and I figured hell I need a release so I pleasured myself. He was literally embarrassed he said I can't watch this with you. I was like seriously ?? He was dead serious he said your my wife.... I was so dumb founded.
Author experiencethedevine Posted December 11, 2013 Author Posted December 11, 2013 My husband is a sex addict and he also has a porn addiction. When I would come to our bedroom and turn on the TV he would have has porn in the DVD player. I initially didn't have a problem with it until his collection became ridiculously out of control. Sometimes I would wake up with him masturbating to his video right next to me with the TV volume down, but what I truly find funny is once I had everything about his infidelities and everything was out in the open . He was embarrassed that he found me watching one of his video's hell I wasn't having sex with him at the time and I figured hell I need a release so I pleasured myself. He was literally embarrassed he said I can't watch this with you. I was like seriously ?? He was dead serious he said your my wife.... I was so dumb founded.[/quote That's interesting. Does your husband present behaviours that indicate the Madonna/whore complex?
RightThere Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 I caught him in the act of taking care of business by himself on the couch while I lay in the bedroom waiting patiently for him to come to bed. I was actually offended that he chose to pleasure himself rather than come be with me. That is an interesting situation, in the fact that my STBXW also claimed she would be waiting up in bed for me. However her communication was terrible, so I never got any indications she was interested in sex with me. It could have been all a ruse, but I felt like I was getting the cold shoulder from my STBXW for so long (because she was the one in the affairs) and I was turning to porn. I can tell you I always wanted to have sex with my STBXW as opposed to porn. But I know for sure her infidelity started long before I started up with regular porn. 1
Raena Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Right there.. yours is the opposite of what I was dealing with. I too turned to porn when he was never available for me. And he wasn't available... he worked nights and when he was around, he chose not to sleep in the bed with me or make time to be with me. I assumed he was using porn during the day to satisfy his needs, but the reality was, it wasn't enough and he sought out another female. He chose to do those things and then blamed me for why we began to drift apart. I tried very hard to keep the interest going, even making a point of staying up late to be awake when he got home at 2:00 in the morning from work. That particular night... I told him I was awake... sent him a text telling him so. He chose to ignore me. He did that a lot. I got turned down often and it started to make me feel like there was something wrong with me. The reality is, there was nothing wrong with me... he was already getting his from a side piece and when she wasn't available, he turned to porn. I don't think I was even a thought in his mind during those times. 1
compulsivedancer Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 My OM would probably be considered a porn addict. He also claimed he wasn't getting enough sex from his long-term GF, but as far as I could tell they had sex 3 times a week, which is not bad when you realize that he only saw her on weekends and one weeknight a week.
RightThere Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 I tried very hard to keep the interest going, even making a point of staying up late to be awake when he got home at 2:00 in the morning from work. That particular night... I told him I was awake... sent him a text telling him so. He chose to ignore me. He did that a lot. I got turned down often and it started to make me feel like there was something wrong with me. The reality is, there was nothing wrong with me... he was already getting his from a side piece and when she wasn't available, he turned to porn. I don't think I was even a thought in his mind during those times. Yeah, I would agree that once they have their OM/OW on the side, we become third (or even fourth) rate. They'll blame us for not being attentive enough so that is why they went elsewhere. I can remember one thing that really bugged me about my STBXW. IN the evenings, she would always just disappear and go upstairs to bed. Never even say goodnight or that she was heading up to bed. I would notice after some time, but by then I assumed she didn't want to have anything to do with me. Of course later on that would get throw back in my face that "I was waiting upstairs for you but you never came." I definitely failed in the communication department in my relationship, but I can take responsibility for it and the breakdown it had on my marriage. My STBXW still expects everyone to mind read and when they don't, she'll get it elsewhere.
Raena Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 What's sad about all of this is I kept telling myself that sex isn't everything in a relationship. I kept telling myself that he has to work nights, I have to work days, we have to make this work because this is our lot in life right now. I told myself a LOT of things to justify why we never seemed to have time to spend together anymore. In the end... sex was more important to him than being a part of a family... than being a father, than being a good man to me. I was willing to do whatever it took to keep us together but it seems to me now that he was doing whatever he could to just slip away from the relationship and then blame me for it all. Yes, his porn addiction didn't help. He hid it well, or so he thought, but I was always aware of how much time he spent looking at it and when. In the end...all he wanted was to be free from us so he could shack up with his love partner. All it took was 2 weeks of that and he finally woke up and realized that he lost everything just for a piece of a$$. I think porn can be a healthy addition for a healthy relationship but when either partner takes it too far and uses it to avoid sexual relations then it becomes a problem. Personally, I'd rather not have the need to use porn at all, I'd rather my man and I be able to satisfy each others needs without it. 2
atreides Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 What's sad about all of this is I kept telling myself that sex isn't everything in a relationship. I kept telling myself that he has to work nights, I have to work days, we have to make this work because this is our lot in life right now. I told myself a LOT of things to justify why we never seemed to have time to spend together anymore. In the end... sex was more important to him than being a part of a family... than being a father, than being a good man to me. I was willing to do whatever it took to keep us together but it seems to me now that he was doing whatever he could to just slip away from the relationship and then blame me for it all. Yes, his porn addiction didn't help. He hid it well, or so he thought, but I was always aware of how much time he spent looking at it and when. In the end...all he wanted was to be free from us so he could shack up with his love partner. All it took was 2 weeks of that and he finally woke up and realized that he lost everything just for a piece of a$$. I think porn can be a healthy addition for a healthy relationship but when either partner takes it too far and uses it to avoid sexual relations then it becomes a problem. Personally, I'd rather not have the need to use porn at all, I'd rather my man and I be able to satisfy each others needs without it. Raena, if he never had an A and the M continued to be somewhat sexless, what would your next move had been. MC? Now i read where H's are in sex chats or dating sites. This is not porn, that is clear cut interaction and sex chat is cheating. Porn is more voyeuristic, not interactive where feed back to engage in anything beyond.. and forgive my use of terms "READ ONLY" forget it, you are not talking porn but something else. 1
Raena Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 I'm not really sure what my next move would have been to be honest. I know I was starting to feel the distance between us like a chasm but then we had more time together during the summer because I wasn't working and it seemed like things were falling into place again. I think it is extremely difficult to maintain a relationship with someone who is never around. For me, it didn't change how I felt about him. I was faithful, I waited, I wanted more, I tried to talk to him about it. I really hoped that he would be able to move to the day shift some time soon so that we could spend more time together. Either way, I was simply talking about watching porn, not being on websites and interacting with others in real time. However, I did catch him with posting an ad on craigslist right around the same time period too. In the ad he said he worked 80+ hours a week and was just looking for a hook up with no strings attached. He told me he posted the ad to prove a point to a coworker.. that real people do not respond to those ads. He insisted that he didn't post it for real for himself but only to prove a point to this coworker. That didn't make any sense to me and I still don't believe him about that either. I think that's what he was really thinking... that he just wanted sex on the side without strings attached because when he tried it with the girl he cheated on me with... even though they made a pact for it to only be sex, that there ended up being too much drama. Hmmm... the more I think about all of this I have to wonder how much his addiction to porn and his need for sex all the time drove him to cheat. If only he had shared this information with me, we could have solved that problem very easily between us. I get the feeling, though, that nothing I could have said or done would have solved this problem though.
atreides Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 Hmmm... the more I think about all of this I have to wonder how much his addiction to porn and his need for sex all the time drove him to cheat. If only he had shared this information with me, we could have solved that problem very easily between us. I get the feeling, though, that nothing I could have said or done would have solved this problem though. I know the feeling, human behavior that logically would say, "go to your spouse", "confide with them" to only do so with a complete stranger or 3rd party and at the same time feel good about it. meh. I don't believe his cragilist crap either. I was very upfront with my wife before working on programming porn websites, i let her know everything BEFORE it occurred and what she should expect.
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