My girlfriend is in love with another man

[BrianGates]

She met someone from Denmark that was here on business and she said that she felt madly attracted to him. So much that she couldn't even stand next to him. The hung out that night, and kissed in the club. She took him to his hotel and dropped him off. In her call, it got very steamy. Let's just say he touched every inch of her and inside of her with his hands and they kissed passionately. She didn't touch him and after about 15 minutes; she stopped him and had him get out of the car. She states that the physical aspect didn't sit very well with her, but she got what she wanted at that time.

 

They exchanged contact information and began a 3 month affair on email. (I saw some of them, which confirmed that they did not have intercourse). He stated he was falling in love with her and she stated she fell for him in the first 15 minutes.

 

He's married with three children and his current wife is pregnant with their fourth. He is also a successful entrepreneur in Denmark. The talked about meeting somewhere and having sex. She wanted to Skype him and was the aggressor.

 

She told him that she probably would not be able to have sex with him without confronting me first. He understood (he always seemed to have the perfect answer; easy in email right?). Two months into their affair, I started to be what she wanted. I became closer to her and didn’t work as much. Talked with her, laid in bed with her, etc.

 

This confused the hell out of her! At times, she was like what they heck happened to you? It even interfered with her affair as she didn’t have much time to email him, etc. cause I was always around (I work from home)

 

To sum it all up, she has chosen to be with me and feels that we have too much together and she doesn’t want to lose me or ruin our relationship and cause damage to our kids. That’s great; I was very happy to hear that even though I still feel inadequate, hurt, etc.

 

She has apologized profusely and I have forgiven her for the previous deception. After she told me, I had her cut it off immediately; made her write a “break-up” email and I wanted to know what was written. I later agreed to let her send it in private when I was not there. She said that she sent it along with another “I’m so sorry” email.

 

We began to work on our relationship over the next few weeks and became closer to each other than ever. I could still tell she was thinking of him. She admitted that she was thinking of him and was wondering “what if”. During the affair, she had even research Denmark a ton to see if she would like living there with him. That was a fantasy and she knew it.

 

He won’t move to our location; she asked. There’s no way in hell I would let her take my girls away from me and she wouldn’t leave her kids. She was in a no win situation, which I think is the main reason she came clean and didn’t leave me. She was still torn and had deep feelings for him and thought of him often with desire to be with him; to see him again. She tells me that he is very humble, simple, active, nice and a good father / man.

 

She states that I am more attractive, but it wasn’t a physical issue; it was emotional. She also states he is a great companion to her emotionally. She says he is a really nice man and respects what he has done with this business (she says it reminds her of me as we essentially are in the same position in the business world.)

 

She still felt attached to him, so I decided that since I abruptly ended things between them that it would be positive to let her contact him. I gave her two options. Option A: Have some form of relationship with him (friend, pen pal, emotions for him, or more) and tell me and be open about what she really wants and see if that would work for me, which I stated was unlikely but I would be open minded and compassionate.

 

Option B: Seize all communication once she had closure with him and never contact him again and let me know when her feelings have faded. I’ve provided a couple of weeks for her to make her final decision and I told her to think very hard as I would hold her to her decision.

She states that she is choosing Option B, but still goes back and forth and feels me out on whether Option A would be ok if they were just friends / facebook, email, etc. She states that it would take the secrecy away and dull the feelings if it were out in the open as friends.

 

She states that she cares a lot about him and doesn’t know if it is love, but cares for him a lot (sounds like love to me.) I probably wouldn’t leave her even if she stated that she still loves him, but it hurts me deeply inside to know that my wife loves another man.

 

How long should I wait for her feelings to go away before I just accept it is what it is? Should I leave her if she can’t get over him or still wants to be friends with him? I’m sure that I could give an ultimatum, but feel she would just relapse later on. I’m confused and need some guidance.

 

Thanks for reading

[man_in_the_box]

What the ****...? Your girlfriend cheated on you with this loser (married with a pregnant wife? Great guy!) and you contemplate on letting them continue an emotional affair? What the hell are you doing to yourself? Choose option A if you want to become the ultimate doormat IMO. Please, stand up for yourself!

[BrianGates]

But we love each other.

[crederer]

Wow, that's about as beta as it gets. Man....c'mon!

[man_in_the_box]

But we love each other.

 

- She has already cheated on you

- She actively pursued this guy through email/wanted to skype

- She's been playing with the idea of friggin' moving to Denmark for a married guy with children and a pregnant wife. I know it was supposed to be a fantasy but then why the active researching?

- SHE chooses to stay with you: seriously wtf? Aren't you supposed to make that choice? It's one thing to forgive a cheating spouse but it's a whole different ballgame if you are happy that they choose to remain with you instead of their AP. I can't believe how humiliating that sounds.

- She sends an "I'm sorry" letter to this guy...? Why?

- The primary reason she confessed is because she can't take the kids with her. Why isn't it that she cheated on you?

- Worst of all - you want to potentially keep contact between your wife and this clown going? Are you seriously considering that? You're basically asking for that affair to happen anyway and giving your consent.

 

It hurts to even read how you're basically planning how badly you can be cuckolded by your wife and OM. Love is great but I didn't read much 'love' from what you've posted. You're being walked all over to be honest.

Edited December 11, 2013 by man_in_the_box

[MrMeh]

I would honestly be thinking about the kids more than anything. She sure does have you on a leash. Good luck with everything.

[soccerrprp]

This post is not real (serious). Too incredibly asinine. This has nothing to do with being "beta", rather, just simply dumb (if real).

[verhrzn]

Sometimes people make mistakes. Sometimes people screw up, and hurt the people they love. And while not everyone agree, sometimes the relationship is still salvageable, and it's all right to keep fighting for it.

 

But both people need to be fighting for it. It sounds like your girlfriend/wife re-committed herself in words, but not in thoughts or deeds. She is still clinging to the fantasy of him... what a nice guy and what an emotional connection they had. Give me a break! She sounds like a middle schooler. They met in person for, what, maybe an evening? And then have only been corresponding for a few months? Email/skype do not a relationship make when there isn't any 'meat space' interaction. And I notice that no where does the guy talk about leaving his (pregnant, omg) wife. Your girlfriend/wife has not forced herself to come to grips with her immature actions and fantasy.

 

It's good that she wants to stay with you, but staying with you because of the kids is a horrible reason to salvage the relationship. Hell, her staying with you because she couldn't have him is also a horrible reason. You do not deserve to be runner-up. You deserve to have her actively choose you. So far, it seems she's just passively doing so.

 

If you guys aren't in counseling yet, you really should be. She needs to let go of her fantasy and really figure out if she wants to be with you, independent on some other fantasy-guy (and that is what he is, an absolute fantasy; I guarantee the image she's built up in her head has only a passing resemblance to the actual man.)

[WhiteButton]

OP - you really need to stand up for your self man! As a guy it was painfull reading your post and seeing how you are handling this whole situation. You should be furious about what your girl has done - she has cheated on you man!!! You should not be giving her options you should be looking at how to get rid of her. And the fact that she has enough nerve to even still contamplate about thinking about that dude while you are around after she cheated on you?

 

Dude i have all my answeres i need for what i would do. I understand that feelings are involved and sometimes you dont see 20/20 its different for you then from someone outside giving you advice...but that is the problem man you are caught up in the feelings about her and leting her get away with murder.

 

This girl should be fighting and doing everything in her power to save you but what i hear she just sounds like she doesnt give a F#$# about you...and i cant blame her because she has no RESPECT for you man. You let her off the hook easy and she knows she can do the f#$#$ she wants with you.

 

From all the guys out there give this girl boot man and show her cold shoulder for once. I hate reading this type of posts. Good luck and i hope you will do it and find your self a girl that actually wants to be with you.

[Woggle]

Then send her on her way to be free to have him. Honestly this is just sad to see a guy standing for this.

[Zahara]

Option A: Have some form of relationship with him (friend, pen pal, emotions for him, or more) and tell me and be open about what she really wants and see if that would work for me, which I stated was unlikely but I would be open minded and compassionate.

 

I had to read this twice. You would be open minded and compassionate?

 

I don't have much to say because I'm absolutely gobsmacked. "But we love each other." This isn't love. It's sick and twisted.

 

The most unattractive thing in a man is when he's a doormat.

[TheBigQuestion]

Just read the OP. I finally can admit this: not sure if OP is being serious or taking the piss on the entire board.

[Phantom888]

This is horrible. Did you mention you two have kids? The man she met is married and have kids. What is wrong with you people???! Are you all so selfish and horny that you can't see right from wrong?

 

I am just going to assume this is a joke post, as I can't imagine people being so ridiculous.

[mortensorchid]

But we love each other.

 

 

 

Do you really? I fail to see how based on that story. I have encountered a few who have pulled these fast ones on me as well as others. I do not pretend to know what was happening before this man came into the picture, but now that he has, there are a few things to be pointed out ...

 

 

1) "The Affair" - The man came into the picture. Well, what was going on before that your gf decided to do IT? Was she unhappy with you and trying to tell you that? Did you notice if she did?

 

 

2) The Aftermath - Once you have done the deed with someone outside of your relationship, you have a few choices to make. Either you say "that's that" and move on from the person you did it with and back to your regular schedule; or you continue with that other person behind the back of who you share your regular schedule with.

 

 

3) Telling - Should someone stray from their relationship, should you tell their partner? Certainly not, unless something horrible shows itself (STDs, phone calls, texts, etc.) then you have no choice but to do so.

 

 

ALL THINGS CONSIDERED ...

 

 

Now that she has done what she has done (with a married man whose 4th child is on the way who lives in another country, no less), we ask ourselves this question: What do you do now? This woman is mooning over an impossible situation over someone she can and will never have. This reminds me of a former friend of mine who flew out to California to spend a weekend with a man she met online, only to have him tell her at the end of the weekend that he wasn't sure how he felt about it and then to have him tell her that he was now in love with a woman he was sitting next to on an airplane for 20 minutes. This also reminds me of a former bf of mine who said that he was dedicated to another woman who came in to spend a weekend with him. Were either of those stories true? Not sure, but the person is saying they are looking for an excuse to get out of something with you.

 

 

I am more concerned about your emotional state, truly. I understand that you are hurt by this, but what would make you better? Are you living in a fantasy world like she is? I hope not.

[panoramicview]

I probably wouldn’t leave her even if she stated that she still loves him, but it hurts me deeply inside to know that my wife

 

I guess OP married his girlfriend before finishing this post....

[freetolove]

BOY, I'm so sorry to hear, I think you should just leave here. You seem like a really great guy. She's really immature (I've been there myself). If you're looking for a serious relationship you're better off with someone who has the right mindset.