I Want To Give Up!!!

[Saving Grace]

Please read my other posts. I really need advice and support to keep my head above water.

 

He filed for Divorce, Now what? But also below at

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=34;t=012342

 

I realize that what I am going through is my fault, but I have no one to talk to. Go 2 my second IT tomorrow.

 

This weekend went 1/2 and 1/2 ok, we actually went to my relatives in Illinois. He came with. He went home early with my brother/sis in law. I talked to him @ midnight wished him Happy New Year, we said I love yous...Talked to him Sat morning and he sounded like my old H, he was so loving. I said goodmorning and so did he, we had a great conversation. Said the weather was bad at home and not to drive home until Sunday, which I did. All phone conversations went well.

 

Got home on Sunday @ 4:00, his D was excited to see him as was I. I miss him terribly, but I try not to overdue it so I don't push him away. I just gave him a hug cuz I was home and wished him a HAppy New Year. I said you don't want to hug me back? He went ballistic....said what do you want from me? He says he wants to be my friend but he shows such hostility. I can't deal with it, I am so emotional I've become hopeless. Went to church this morning and my eyes automatically welled up. I just can't do anything right. I am lost.....I have no strentgh to keep going. If he doesn't want me, I ned to give up, this hurts to bad. I realize I put him and myself in this situation but if we are supposed to be moving forward with the DV civally and friends it will never happen. What can I do, I need your help.

 

 

I'm no longer hopeful...just patiently waiting for the hurt to subside!

SG

[Mr Spock]

Hon, the guy has stated he wants a divorce. Have you tried respecting that to him your marriage is over and not pushing him and letting him heal? Kind of hard to proceed with civil divorce proceedings if you keep hugging him and refuse to acknowledge that you are getting a divorce. I mean for REAL. No more him sleeping beside you, no more him taking care of you all the time.....no more hugging or kissing.

 

Are you seeing a therapist?

[Saving Grace]

Yep seeing a therapist....thanks Hon,

 

If you'd read my whole post you understand why I am the way that I am. I do not want to give up for the first time in my life! I followed through with all his requests and demands to have a civil divorce.

 

We no longer sleep in the same bed, kissy huggy stuff either.. But we have been togther for 10 years adn it isn't that easy. Even though I had an A. He is a forgiving man.

 

If you go to the Marriage Builders website you learn how to deal/cope and change what is going on. Even if you are the only one.

 

Even now he just came upstairs to the pc room and asked me if I was ok and apologized for his hosility. There is hope for reconciliation and our marriage will be living proof of that!

 

I'm just over emotional because I was away from home all weekend, had to tell the whole family the absolute truth and I am 7 months pregant!

 

I know it is my fault, but my husband is a different kind of man.....the ones were supposed to bring home to mom!

[Mr Spock]

I'm aware of your situation. You're certainly not respecting his wishes, and not giving him space.

 

 

Well I just signed my answer and counterclaim to the petition for divorce.

 

I admitted to all the paragraphs that were stated except for the paragraph that states "marriage is irretrievably broken" . I believe that not to be true. I also didn't state that I request DIVORCE but rather legal separation and stated why. I do not want the judge to think I agree with this divorce or ending our marriage. This is what I wrote. Legal Separation because...although we have alot of issues, we never tried to work them out together, when he tried I didn't and now I'm trying and he isn't. I am now in individual therapy as well. we never tried or had marriage counseling either. I would rather see it end with both of us trying then to not have tried at all, at least marriage counseling.

 

The self help center stated that because he requested it doesn't mean I have to and by writing the above statement does not necessarily mean that I would prolong the case. So we can have it both ways.

 

What is the really weird is there are little things that are happening that I see as some type of sign. When I went to the bookstore to buy the Divorcebusters book and some other things the check total I wrote was exactly the same as our address. The very next day I wrote another check and the amount was exactly the same as the last four digits of my cell number which in reverse is the last four digits of our home number. And now writing this to you I am looking down at the answer and response form and it's dated yesterday December 28th, the day we found out my H and I were pregnant with our first child, December 28th, 2000. I see these as important signs that I am in a direction I am supposed to be in I guess. Like how I said before when I still think my dad is up there looking out for me.

 

The more and more I think about the depression issue, I believe it's quite possible. And I'm sure will be more relevant after the baby is born. I din't really have any post par-tum issues with our first but with everything going on it's better to be prepared. Thanks for the advice.

 

 

You are drawing your own conclusions out of nothing....what if your husband doesn't want to try any more? It seems like he's made up his mind. You stating that you don't want a divorce doesn't make it so. It seems to me that you're used to getting what you want-somewhere along the line you've been spoiled. I just don't think it's fair to your husband that YOU are the one crying and dragging out his process of healing with your emotional outbursts-why not have the respect for him NOW that you didn't have before when you were humping someone else, and give him some breathing room?

 

 

 

I went to bed not talking to him, he decided to sleep downstairs, I called him on his cell from mine and told him I would feel better if he were upstairs. And that I was sorry, he came upstairs...i'm not ready to sleep seperate yet

 

Basing my reply on the last post of yours I read

 

 

 

 

Today was an okay day, I told him that I am alone and I just don't know what to do, that I am giving him my heart and soul and trusting him for once in my life that this is the right decision. I am however counting on the decision that it will bring us back together not seperate us for good

 

Manipulative and unfair. "Do what's right baby, but only if it's what I want"

 

There is no comparison between my H and the OM but I will never get the chance to show or tell him that. I could care less about the OM anymore and the more and more I think about it I get pissed off by it. The way he treated me as well. I am a just another piece to him, he does walk all over me. But whatever... He is of no concern to me anymore. My life has to come first now. It should have all along. I know therapy is the only thing that will help me now.

 

He has never been the lesser of the two, he has always been stronger even still now the one I can rely on. I never chose to be with the OM and not my H. If that were true and I was truly unhappy in my marriage I could have walked, and I would have walked with alot, but that doesn't matter to me. Still now all I want is his love.

 

You say that NOW, that you risk losing half of everything. Now that you've been busted. It's like listening to a 12 year old playing house. Your words at this point in the scheme of things are meaningless. As someone who's been on your side of things trying to desperately hold onto something they've irrevocably f*cked up, I say BS. Bullsh*t. What you want is security, and now that's been threatened you're backpedalling like hell to fix things.

 

 

You keep stating how much you've grown, how sorry you are, how you'll be a better person-until you stop this manipulative, immature crap with your husband that doesn't MEAN anything..........

[Saving Grace]

I don't want anything from him....

 

No money, no house, no cars, no furniture, NOTHING, he wants to take the kids....

 

I am not spoiled by any means!

 

I've worked hard all my life to have what I have!

 

It wasn't handed to me on a silver plater, I'd love to say I am spoiled.

 

This is no bs#it, I am not showing him I love him now because I am afraid of loosing everything. I've lost it and if I didn't care or didn't love him I'd walk out the door and go live w/my mom or something.

 

I am respecting his wishes. I responded to the papers, I signed them. I am not dragging out any process, everything has moved forward as he has planned.

 

I am not being manipulative~I have nothing to manipulate. He wants the divorce, he filed, he served I responded. This is not a normal divorce proceeding nor is our moving forward with it.

 

Unfair what, unfair to hope, unfair to believe, unfair to dream? Unfair not to give up? He was once doing exactly what I am, do you think the same of that.

 

Unlike some, I have grown, I have become a better person because of this and becasue if him, I am sorry and I made a BIG mistake and I am willing to accept the consequences.

 

And they aren't outbursts, I just cry a little, OMG.

 

Unlike some, I am not bitter, his love didn't leave a bad taste in my mouth.

 

I came here for support, yours is not support.

 

I do know exactly what I did. You do not need to remind me I look in the mirror everyday!

[Ladyjane14]

Grace, I clicked your link above, but it didn't work. Can you post it again?

[Saving Grace]

Sorry Ladyjane,

 

I must not be doing it right?

 

I have two under MB site.

 

1st/oldest is I Really need help! Where do I begin?

 

2nd/newest is Totally Empty...Please Help Me under Divorced/Divorcing but I put almost simliar ones under recovery and general question to help me talk to others more...

 

Let me know if this helps other wise I'll try again.

 

SG~Happy New Year LJ

[Ladyjane14]

I know you're really discouraged, and it's true that he might very well divorce you and move on with his life.

 

But you can't control that. You know that in your head I'm sure, but your heart is still holding on. I can't blame you for that. It's hard to let go. But the tighter you try to hold him right now, the further he will drift away.

 

If you've been reading at MarriageBuilders, then you already have a pretty good idea of what to do. Most importantly, not LoveBusting, and trying to make his interactions with you as positive as possible.

 

You can only do the best you can. No one can do more than their personal best, right?

 

I don't know if you're a religious person. But I thought maybe you'd find the Serenity Prayer to be useful right about now.

 

The Serenity Prayer

 

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

 

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

 

Hang in there, Sweetie

[moimeme]

Some marriages actually can survive affairs. However, it seems your husband is unwilling to give it a try. I don't think you're doing wrong here; you feel a huge amount of remorse and you're letting him know. Some people don't gain common sense until they do something completely stupid. I expect you'll never do something as horrid again. The penalty for having done it in the first place may, unfortunately, be that you don't get your wish in this.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Saving Grace

I have two under MB site.

 

I'll go take a look now.

[Saving Grace]

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=34;t=012342

 

above is oldest one

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=34;t=012371

 

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=035433

 

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=016585

[Saving Grace]

Ok they aren't working~I am obviously doing it wrong

[Ladyjane14]

Found 'em. Those guys are great over there, aren't they?

 

I'm beat, so I'll have to be brief tonight.

 

Three things:

 

1. You're still pushing too hard. You've got to stop trying to build Rome in a day. Like I said, before, it gets exhausting.... and that leads to discouragement, like in your first post on this thread.

 

You can't control this, but you can put a coin in his love bank every day.

Don't panic. And don't try to work him emotionally.

 

2. You've got to somehow find a way to break contact with the OM. I know you've got the business together, but this whole thing is going NOWHERE until he is completely out of your lives. Can you sell or buy out half of the business? Hire someone to work in your place?

 

3. Try posting again in the General Questions II section if you're not getting enough response. (Don't get offended by anything the BS's say.)

 

I'll try to check in on you tomorrow.

 

[Ladyjane14]

I found your other post on GQII. I think you'll see more activity on that board than on Divorce/Divorcing.

 

One more thing before I'm out for the night.........

 

Originally posted by Saving Grace

 

I came here for support, yours is not support.

 

Even tough love, is still love. There's some truths in that post if you'll take a closer look at it. Not wrapped up in pretty paper to be sure, but not less valid for all that.

 

Posting to someone takes up a certain amount of time, and I haven't often seen people take that time when they weren't ultimately interested in helping. Occasionally, yes.....but not often and not in the above post.

 

Don't be put off. It's alllll good!

[Mr Spock]

I am respecting his wishes. I responded to the papers, I signed them. I am not dragging out any process, everything has moved forward as he has planned

 

No, it's not...you said as much yourself when you stated you were contesting it.

 

 

 

 

I am not being manipulative~I have nothing to manipulate. He wants the divorce, he filed, he served I responded. This is not a normal divorce proceeding nor is our moving forward with it.

 

Unfair what, unfair to hope, unfair to believe, unfair to dream? Unfair not to give up? He was once doing exactly what I am, do you think the same of that

 

This reeks of bullsh*t to me. You are VERY manipulative-that's what I get from your posts. Hugging him, crying, throwing your daughter in his face-you've expressed regret, remorse, and sorrow for your actions now back the hell off and let the man THINK. If he REALLY doesn't want to get divorced from you he won't proceed with it. How is he supposed to sort out what HE wants to do (and yes, just because you don't want the marriage to end doesn't mean you are right) if you're constantly in his face about it? I mean he filed for a divorce, not having you at christmas dinner is not unreasonable and hugging the guy when he gets home and telling him you missed him is fine but his reaction shows you're putting waaay too much pressure on him right now.

 

 

 

Unlike some, I have grown, I have become a better person because of this and becasue if him, I am sorry and I made a BIG mistake and I am willing to accept the consequences.

 

Saying you're a grown up and acting like one are two different things. You want help? Give the poor guy a BREAK. He's supposed to just all of a sudden want to work things out because you do?

[Barby]

I don't know your whole story nor do I really care to...

 

but Spock seems to be giving you a hard time..why I dunno it seems okay to f*ck a MM and be an "OW" but when a woman f*cks someone else other than her husband why get all pissy about it??

 

Regardless that isn't the point.........I don't think that you two should continue to live together if he indeed wants a divorce. It sounds like he really must want it otherwise I HIGHLY doubt he'd have gone through the expense to file the paperwork and everything....

 

 

If you really want to work things out you need to try and move on, move out or allow him to do so, allow him the time to grieve and figure out if he's better off without you or with you...whichever he decides you honestly have no control either way. You kind of showed him how much he meant to you when you slept with someone else. I'm totally against affairs but regardless of my personal opinion on that matter I think you owe him the respect enough to not allow him to see you cry, not make him feel guilty or question the choices he's making, or try and convince him to work things out.

 

If indeed he's still in love with you, the mere thought of either one of you moving out will be something he will contest, he will let you know on his own that he wants it to work and I think he'd put a hault to the divorce proceedings....I'm sorry you're going through this but you had to have known it was bound to happen...we all reap what we sew you know?!

[Mr Spock]

I'm not giving her a "hard time"-I've just been THERE before too, and I think she needs to give the guy some time to figure out what he really wants. "I was wrong and now I've seen the light so let's just go forward" doesn't always cut it. There are MANY on here who would see this as a marriage ender.

 

Like the lady said. Coins in the love bank, not stuffing fistfuls of dollars into it.

[Barby]

I agree that this sounds like a "marriage ender" but honestly sometimes your advice comes across extremely bitter, rude, and cocky...so that's why it appears you're giving her a hard time....

 

 

She does need to let him decide I couldn't agree more especially since she is the one who cheated and now seems to be giving him the "guilt trip" BUT it doesn't seem that she's willing to do this....

 

Her unwillingness to do this will probably be more of the "ender" than the affair itself sadly enough!

[Mr Spock]

And sometimes your advice comes across as spiteful, uninformed and slightly ignorant (especially when you post without bothering to find out the particulars of a persons situation) but I do try to refrain from pointing that out to you.

 

That's part of my point. You cannot rebuild a damaged relationship by guilting someone back into a relationship, she needs to give him time and space to heal and if that means giving him his divorce and later reconciling so be it.

[Quilly]

As the one initiating a divorce and on the receiving end of the constant guilt trips and pleas to move back home... I have to agree with Spock and Barby. None of this is helping you to win him back; it will only drive him further away. Maybe I'm just a stubborn person, but having some constantly pressuring me to explain myself and wanting me to change my mind only adds to the resentment and realization that my feelings/wants/needs once again don't seem to matter.

 

I assume he's not stupid, so if you've told him how you feel, that you want to make it work then give him some space. In time maybe he'll start to remember the positive aspects of your relationship and choose to save it. While I understand your need to express what you are feeling, just don't do it with him. You have to stop forcing the issue.

[Saving Grace]

Originally posted by Barby

I agree that this sounds like a "marriage ender" but honestly sometimes your advice comes across extremely bitter, rude, and cocky...so that's why it appears you're giving her a hard time....

 

 

She does need to let him decide I couldn't agree more especially since she is the one who cheated and now seems to be giving him the "guilt trip" BUT it doesn't seem that she's willing to do this....

 

Her unwillingness to do this will probably be more of the "ender" than the affair itself sadly enough!

 

Thank You Barby for coming to my defense~ I understand it's tough love. But I have not given him a guilt trip at all. I don't mope around the house, I don't cry all the time, I don't sit and say can we talk about this please, I have given him the space he has requested, I don't grope him or want hugs and kisses, I keep busy cleaning and cooking and making sure he sees fully that I appreciate all that he is doing for me since filing papers...I am utterly grateful to him.

 

Mr Spock mentioned something about me throwing our daughter in his face. That would be the last thing I would do. Our ability to be parents (together) is much more important then the love we have for each other.

 

If I was manipulative I would have half of everything he owns and half of his fathers because my H's name is on everything he owns to. I could force him to leave and be set for the rest of my life. I have chosen to do the right thing unlike some people. I am repenting, I am going to church. I am making better decisions now because of it and that's all that matters. I would be like all the other soccer moms who drive around in the big SUV's, spend gobs of money on s#it they don't need, have little luncheons and tell all their girlfriends that they have such a wonderful marriage when if fact he is probably sleeping with one of them and she is sleeping with the gardener but they go on pretending like nothing is wrong.

 

My life wasn't roses it was always thorns since as far back as I can remember and that is quite a ways back. I have bad memories, terrible things and memories from when I was 4 and still going on (not including my marriage). You never forget. As I am sure neither will he.

 

But if he honestly didn't love me, and this isn't an assumption then he wouldn't be doing all the things he is still doing for me since filing the papers. If he didn't care he just plain wouldn't care. I made a mistake and gave up on something that was truly precious. But you also don't know much about what happened in the last 10 years of our lives. What caused me to have an A, what causes anyone to have a A for that matter. Yes, he never held a gun to my head but I am not all to blame for wandering, there had to be a reason. But I do take full responsibility for lying for deceiving, for manipulating (then), for the A. There is not a single marriage that is perfect and there never will be.

 

 

Thanks ladyjane for yoor serenity prayer. I like the extension to it. WHen I was in a peer program for children of alcoholics we recited the prayer quite often, as I will now.

[Mr Spock]

I keep busy cleaning and cooking and making sure he sees fully that I appreciate all that he is doing for me since filing papers...I am utterly grateful to him.

 

 

This strikes a chord in me as do some of your statements previous that prompts me to respond the way I do. You're just plain and simple not believeable. And I think your husband must see part of that too, or he wouldn't have filed for divorce while he still loves you.

 

Half of everything is still less than All of everything, which is what you stand to lose at the moment. You state you can't afford a laywer but yet you would be set for life if you DID divorce? I've read your posts from the beginning, and I don't doubt your remorse. I think you're doing the right thing by getting counselling. I do doubt your motivations. I don't think you're a bad person, I just think you're not being fair to your husband in this situation.

[Saving Grace]

My intentions on saving my marriage are true.

 

My intentions to be cooking and cleaning may be simple and plain but I am to afraid that if I do more which I have then they are seen to be unblivable. I am only trying to keep normal day to day chores upfont and in focus instead of trying to do so much that it becomes overwhelming for us both. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I do nothing for H and DD then I am scum, If I do the things I should have been doing all along for H and DD it makes for a peaceful home for the three of us. I do not beg him to come back to me, I do not beg him to stop the divorce etc.

 

I hope your posting comment was not directed at me mr spock? I do believe I am sometimes not as smart as some people and interpret things differently so sometimes I have a difficult time posting.

 

No one can force anyone to do anything.

 

The counseling is motivated by my need to rselove past issues that I never could before, that I brought into my marriage, trust issues, physical and mental abuse, alcoholic parent, rape, molestation, would you like me to go on? My motivation is that I will understand why I make bad decisions, and how to change that in myself before I can beging to help anyone else. I am a codependent, I am an enabler. I need to stop, I need to work on myself. If this is the only succesful thing that comes out of the divorce and the my H and I are able to be friends and better parents then what more motivation do I need. Yes I hope it saves my marriage. How can I not hope. I do not want to be a cold bitter.

 

Yes I would be set if we divorce and I got half of everything. But I won't take anything. That is not what this is about. I've struggled all my life and I can deal with it a little longer. And I am not acting like a martyr either. I can't afford a lawyer because I have no income, all that we have is my H's income and since filing everything is seperate. I will not go into debt to pay for an attorney if they are decisions that my H and I can make without one.

 

Being fair to him....what do you want me to do, I am doing all that I can. Tell me what you want me to do or what you think I should do that would make this fair? I am trying to be as aldult as I have the power to be. I work 12 hours everyday of the week without income so that the business can stay above water and that has been for over a year and half. I cannot afford to pay some one to sit here. I am working on getting rid of the piece of s#it partner and maybe closing the business but it isn't that simple. I am trying to work on one item on my plate at a time. The A is over, the OM is no longer MY OM. I do not have withdrawal or want nor desire to be with him.

 

Yes like Ladyjane says Rome wasn't buildt in one day and you to saying I can't put fistfulls of dollars in to the bank, but that is what he wanted when he tryed to reconcile with me. He wanted all of those things. I don't know what else to do. I cannot move out until this divorce is final.

[Mr Spock]

Did you even acknowledge Quilly's post? She's the other half of what you're going through...............

 

My comments were directed towards Barby, which is quite obvious if you read the thread.

 

I've been in your shoes. Almost exactly the same pair, in fact. So I recognize perhaps some things that you yourself may not at this time.

[Saving Grace]

Originally posted by Quilly

As the one initiating a divorce and on the receiving end of the constant guilt trips and pleas to move back home... I have to agree with Spock and Barby. None of this is helping you to win him back; it will only drive him further away. Maybe I'm just a stubborn person, but having some constantly pressuring me to explain myself and wanting me to change my mind only adds to the resentment and realization that my feelings/wants/needs once again don't seem to matter.

 

I assume he's not stupid, so if you've told him how you feel, that you want to make it work then give him some space. In time maybe he'll start to remember the positive aspects of your relationship and choose to save it. While I understand your need to express what you are feeling, just don't do it with him. You have to stop forcing the issue.

 

I'm sorry Quilly~ I do know it is psuhing him farther away and that is why I have been trying to recognize and change the things that I am doing. I joined to Marriage Builders website with has given me much insite and maybe that is why I am so hopeful. There are more people on loveshack that should go to marriage builders. I do not want to put any prssure on him at all.

 

He isn't stupid, he knows I truly love him. I hear it in his voice everyday. I know this has been difficult for him, I believe much more for him then me. This was all he could do to keep his sanity. I am doing one last thing, I am writing him a love letter but it is not a typical love letter. It will be an I'm sorry letter to try and get everything out and be done with it. I will continue counseling and let him see my improvements but I won't push him away anymore.