Anxiety and the Expiration Date of Relationships

[Under The Radar]

This is something I struggle with from time to time. I saw a poster comment, in another thread, that "most relationships have an expiration date, but many of us tend to stay past that".

 

I will often wonder, when I'm in a more cynical mood, why bother expending all of my resources for something that is likely to fail? Though I am not fond of wasting money and time, I'm much more afraid, and reticent, to place my emotions on something that isn't a guarantee. Of course, I pull myself out of that thought pattern quickly and realize most things in life are not a given and we cannot control the future.

 

Sometimes I'm so pumped to jump back into the dating world and meet new people, but then I have anxiety over the process. I wonder what is in store for me: Is it possibly long term pain and the loss of valuable time? Conversely, I think at other times, because life is so much better when you have a committed companion to share time, emotion, and activities with. That it is definitely better to have loved than to have never loved at all.

 

I'm curious if any of you, occasionally, feel conflicted like this. If so, how do you manage the thought process and eventually pull the trigger to give your all for a new relationship?

[MissBee]

Since I made the comment, I can tell you where I'm coming from:

 

Not to be morbid, but life will most surely end in death. At times I have pondered why be born, why experience life and love if one day we are bound to lose everything, those we love, things we've worked for etc. to death and there is nothing we can do to stop this? Sometimes death comes with a warning, sometimes not...it can be quite depressing! Yet, here we are alive, and we can't just sit around waiting to be put into the ground, so we enjoy the time we do have and make something meaningful and when our time comes so be it.

 

I think relationships can be thought of in the same way. All relationships teach you something and should be an enjoyable experience, even if there is no guarantee of "forever." I have had too many problems attempting to force something to be forever that simply wasn't. Do I want a longterm partnership? Yes. Therefore I don't really invest in situations with little potential for that; however, when I do see something worth it, I will. Even if it doesn't work out forever, is 5 years not worth it? 10? Even a year is worth it if it was adding positively to your life.

 

Attaching is easier than detaching. Detaching is painful and that's why we all want forever, because we think we won't have to face the pain of detaching, the anxiety and certainty of the search for a new love etc. But I realize, it doesn't kill you. I don't enjoy breaking up one bit neither do I enjoy the detaching process and withdrawal but I have done it enough to know life does go on and better does come and you do move on. That helps me with keeping things in perspective. If a relationship is no longer working it isn't a sentence I must endure, but I can choose to move on to new lessons and new love with someone else. I think when you have the mentality that love is abundant it helps as you're not applying this scarcity mentality where you have to cling to dear life to one person or think if it ends you will never love again.

[2fargone]

It's just something I do. I'm perfectly happy by myself, I don't go out 'seeking women'. If one crosses my path and I see a potential for the future, no matter how much I've been hurt in the past, I will always dive in 100%.

 

 

I must say though, that at 43 looking back, every relationship was more fullfilling than the previous one. Without me asking for anything. So I guess that helps.

[MissBee]

Meant to add: Don't invest in things you KNOW to be dead-ends and where your goals are incompatible as THAT is a waste of time indeed. Example: those who want family, open R, marriage and are banking on a married person to give that to them. However, other than that, if you've chosen to your best knowledge someone who is compatible with you and wants similar things and is on the same path, then if you're on the same path for 6 months or 6 years it's not "time wasted." You did things and accomplished stuff. Forever shouldn't be the marker for success IMO, as forever is simply not promised with ANYTHING! Life itself as I said doesn't last forever, but the dash you have should be worth your while.

[Under The Radar]

MissBee,

 

Your post will make excellent reading material over the next few months as I delve back into the dating world. I can just see it now: I excuse myself from my coffee date, go to the bathroom, take out my smartphone, and covertly log onto LoveShack for moral support ...... Then, my date asks me who the **** MissBee is :laugh:.

 

Anyway, I appreciate the insight. For the most part, my thoughts on this subject mirror your own. Nevertheless, it nice to hear someone else say it sometimes.

[Under The Radar]

It's just something I do. I'm perfectly happy by myself, I don't go out 'seeking women'. If one crosses my path and I see a potential for the future, no matter how much I've been hurt in the past, I will always dive in 100%.

 

 

I must say though, that at 43 looking back, every relationship was more fullfilling than the previous one. Without me asking for anything. So I guess that helps.

 

Yep, I'm 39 and I know I'd dive in 100% too, no matter how hurt I've been in the past. It doesn't make it any less scary though ...

 

Thanks for the support, 2fargone.

[Got it]

I can't put it as well as Miss Bee but, for me, it is about the journey so much more than the end result. Knowing that the relationship may end doesn't bother me if I know that today I am getting a good deal of satisfaction out of it. It's not being afraid of the lows to get to experience the highs. And life is too short not to experience everything that we can out of it.

[MissBee]

MissBee,

 

Your post will make excellent reading material over the next few months as I delve back into the dating world. I can just see it now: I excuse myself from my coffee date, go to the bathroom, take out my smartphone, and covertly log onto LoveShack for moral support ...... Then, my date asks me who the **** MissBee is :laugh:.

 

Anyway, I appreciate the insight. For the most part, my thoughts on this subject mirror your own. Nevertheless, it nice to hear someone else say it sometimes.

 

That imagery is HILARIOUS

[Divasu]

This is something I struggle with from time to time. I saw a poster comment, in another thread, that "most relationships have an expiration date, but many of us tend to stay past that".

 

I will often wonder, when I'm in a more cynical mood, why bother expending all of my resources for something that is likely to fail? Though I am not fond of wasting money and time, I'm much more afraid, and reticent, to place my emotions on something that isn't a guarantee. Of course, I pull myself out of that thought pattern quickly and realize most things in life are not a given and we cannot control the future.

 

Sometimes I'm so pumped to jump back into the dating world and meet new people, but then I have anxiety over the process. I wonder what is in store for me: Is it possibly long term pain and the loss of valuable time? Conversely, I think at other times, because life is so much better when you have a committed companion to share time, emotion, and activities with. That it is definitely better to have loved than to have never loved at all.

 

I'm curious if any of you, occasionally, feel conflicted like this. If so, how do you manage the thought process and eventually pull the trigger to give your all for a new relationship?

 

Well heck, we all have an expiration date (we all die eventually). However, I see the point you are trying to make. Nonetheless, life is much richer, I feel/believe, when shared with the one you love (or in this case, loved). To love and be loved, pretty powerful stuff.

[Under The Radar]

That imagery is HILARIOUS

 

I agree ...... I was laughing out loud as I typed it .

[Under The Radar]

I can't put it as well as Miss Bee but, for me, it is about the journey so much more than the end result. Knowing that the relationship may end doesn't bother me if I know that today I am getting a good deal of satisfaction out of it. It's not being afraid of the lows to get to experience the highs. And life is too short not to experience everything that we can out of it.

 

 

What you are saying, at least on paper, has always made sense to me. However, matters of the heart can certainly complicate things.

 

I sometimes go to the less happy sections of LoveShack, (infidelity, separation/divorce, coping, etc...) and I'm saddened by so many people's stories.

 

I have always been very empathic, and it's not hard for me to put myself in "another person's shoes", so to speak. Nevertheless, I don't envy many of their difficult situations. It does make me much more cautious as I get older ...... I don't want to experience that "gut wrenching pain" ever again.

 

I do understand, though, that most victories in life come with a risk. At some point, you either bite the bullet and give it a shot, or you capitulate.

 

Thanks for your post.

[Under The Radar]

Well heck, we all have an expiration date (we all die eventually). However, I see the point you are trying to make. Nonetheless, life is much richer, I feel/believe, when shared with the one you love (or in this case, loved). To love and be loved, pretty powerful stuff.

 

Hi Divasu!

 

It's been about a year since we got some predictable laughs on my "National Lampoons Christmas Vacation" Thread .

 

You are right: To love and be loved is pretty powerful stuff. It's both funny, and sad at times, how hard we all strive to find those amazing emotions.

 

I certainly hope you find that special guy who you can watch Chevy Chase with in the future .

[Divasu]

Hi Divasu!

 

It's been about a year since we got some predictable laughs on my "National Lampoons Christmas Vacation" Thread .

 

You are right: To love and be loved is pretty powerful stuff. It's both funny, and sad at times, how hard we all strive to find those amazing emotions.

 

I certainly hope you find that special guy who you can watch Chevy Chase with in the future .

 

Hi! Oh god yes, that thread was silly sil-sil .

No getting around it when it comes to Clark Griswold.

 

We become more sentimental and reflective around Christmas/New Years (there, there, ***pats OP gently on the head**) Hey, the good news is, maybe Santa will bring you a new VCR to go with the TV!

[Under The Radar]

Hi! Oh god yes, that thread was silly sil-sil .

No getting around it when it comes to Clark Griswold.

 

We become more sentimental and reflective around Christmas/New Years (there, there, ***pats OP gently on the head**) Hey, the good news is, maybe Santa will bring you a new VCR to go with the TV!

 

Yep, the TV and I are still in a long term relationship. I bought her a Blu-Ray Player for our anniversary this year instead of that engagement ring she'd been asking for .

 

I certainly hope our expiration date is not in the foreseeable future .

[Under The Radar]

me too, & it was quickly a 'hurry up & wait' situation. turns out there was no actual reason for me to be concerned at all, because i've yet to find anyone that's relationship material.

 

that's what anxiety does, it puts the cart before the horse.

 

truth is, relationships don't happen overnight.

 

there are opportunities all along the way to pull out, from the first chat, to the first date, to the bf/bf discussion.

 

 

j

 

 

You are correct ...... relationships do not happen overnight. I believe in some weird and abstract way, THAT VERY CONCEPT, can induce and magnify anxiety. What I mean is, because good relationships take meaningful levels of time, when they fail it is all the more crushing.

 

Time, to me, is one of our most priceless commodities. It's far more important than money or material goods. Once our time is gone, it is gone forever. Of course we have (hopefully) good memories of time together with loved ones, but it's hard for me (when I'm occasionally pessimistic) to reconcile the good times, with a "that was worth it attitude", despite the relationship ending.

 

Despite all of this I DO believe that working towards loving relationships is a worthy and beneficial endeavor ...... though it's a journey sometimes riddled in pain, too.

[Under The Radar]

i don't look at good relationships ending as failure.

and believe me, i am quite pessimistic by nature.

but i look at my past relationships as accomplishments.

i mean, i actually tolerated someone else for an extended period of time,

& they me.

i'm also very glad they ended, & am glad i'm no longer in them.

 

time is a constant: no matter whether in a relationship or not, it goes by.

 

j

 

 

I understand what you are saying, I really do. At the moment I am not even close to unhappy. I am, shall we say, very content with my life; I have an awful lot to be thankful for.

 

Nevertheless, good relationships, and love, always take me to that next level of happiness. It's the unhealthy ones that knock me off the contentment shelf and place me shockingly hard on the unhappy shelf.

 

I guess, for most of us, it's a quest out of contentment and into the realm of happiness we search for. Some people search for that level their entire life.

 

Thanks you for your insights .

[Eggplant]

The very term "expiration date" belies an unhappy, overly pessimistic view of people. People and relationships are not cartons of milk.

[Under The Radar]

The very term "expiration date" belies an unhappy, overly pessimistic view of people. People and relationships are not cartons of milk.

 

 

Yes, people and relationships ARE NOT cartons of milk.

 

However, with a divorce rate of 50% and a further percentage not divorcing, but choosing to unhappily cohabitate, it is only logical to expect the mortality of many relationships.

 

Nobody here is trivializing human beings, love, and companionship. What we are doing is being realistic ...... which is leaps and bounds different than continued pessimism.

 

We are looking for love and meaningful connections, but proceeding with caution .

[Eggplant]

Yes, people and relationships ARE NOT cartons of milk.

 

However, with a divorce rate of 50% and a further percentage not divorcing, but choosing to unhappily cohabitate, it is only logical to expect the mortality of many relationships.

 

Nobody here is trivializing human beings, love, and companionship. What we are doing is being realistic ...... which is leaps and bounds different than continued pessimism.

 

We are looking for love and meaningful connections, but proceeding with caution .

 

I understand. I simply wonder whether "expiration" is the best analogy. The implication seems to be that relationships all naturally and inevitably go sour.

 

I would like to believe the failure of good relationships is avoidable and that a strong bond might last a lifetime.

 

I may be living in lala land.

[Divasu]

Yep, the TV and I are still in a long term relationship. I bought her a Blu-Ray Player for our anniversary this year instead of that engagement ring she'd been asking for .

 

I certainly hope our expiration date is not in the foreseeable future .

 

Haha. Congratulations! Sounds pretty serious.

[MissBee]

The very term "expiration date" belies an unhappy, overly pessimistic view of people. People and relationships are not cartons of milk.

 

This is not a pessimistic view.

 

When you die you expire...so we all have expiration dates actually, except it's not stamped on us like a carton of milk.

 

Likewise most people have multiple relationships in their life and each one lasts for a time and then ends although some people find one that is "til death do them part", which is also my point here, that forever shouldn't be the measure as sometimes a relationship is good for a time but may not be meant to last for always and comes to a natural end and resisting that is what causes even more heartache and anxiety.

 

The point I was making with that metaphor was that relationships come to a natural end sometimes where it is no longer or beneficial to be together, yet people still stay around in denial that there is no growth anymore and it's time to move forward. How you read it, as every relationship naturally goes sour wasn't what I meant. I was specifically discussing in that particular thread someone who was clearly in a relationship where her partner no longer was invested and saying that at that point one has come to the expiration date of when the relationship is good and valid and it makes no sense staying if that is the case.

Edited December 11, 2013 by MissBee

[Elliotte]

I stayed single for a long time to avoid the pain that comes with relationships, being with someone will bring out the best and the worst in you. But, you grow and mature a lot faster by the challenges you face. Even if those challenges do lead you to a breakup, hopefully you should have grown as a person because of it.

 

Deciding to take the plunge really took me awhile, I used to dive head long into relationships, but by the time I met my wife, I was much more about getting to know her casually before making the plunge. The extra time and patience gained from experience really helped me know that I was making better choices than I would have five years prior.

 

There's no way around anxiety, but it's good to take some personal time occasionally and reflect upon your life overall. If you feel like you're a better person than you were last year, you're on the right track.

[regine_phalange]

I also feel it very often, and this is why I find it hard to imagine my self married. The fact that I feel it, is also the reason I often walk out of relationships. I'm a notorious dumper (no one has ever dumped me, I don't know how it feels like :|). At the same time, I feel there is someone for me out there... Until then, it is best to enjoy and experience, experiences is the only thing that will always be mine.

[gabgab]

I understand. I simply wonder whether "expiration" is the best analogy. The implication seems to be that relationships all naturally and inevitably go sour.

 

I would like to believe the failure of good relationships is avoidable and that a strong bond might last a lifetime.

 

I may be living in lala land.

 

It is avoidable, but people don't put effort in and have good values/commitment anymore

 

I understand you OP, I wonder sometimes when my current R will end and how crushed I will be