Did the right thing right?

[Claysmommy]

So to try to make it as short as possible. Starting "talking" to a co-worker back in the beginning of October. From the beginning he seemed a bit shy or nervous of even a bit inexperienced with women but despite his awkwardness I really liked him and tried to look past some of the weird interactions we had. We would talk all day everyday via instant messenger at work and we would have long convos and talk about ourselves. He would text and call as well. He invited me out all the time-granted a lot of the time I wasn't able or comfortable going because he would invite me to family events, etc and since I was shy and we barely knew each other I didnt feel comfortable.

 

In the mean time we went out to lunch all the time, still maintained convos, took breaks together etc. finally after a month of knowing each other I agreed to go on a date with him. I want to interject that at this point in time I felt secure with him and didnt doubt that he liked me. Long story short the date went terrible-if you want to know more details you can look in my history to see what went wrong. No we didnt have sex, hook up or anything. He was a gentleman.

 

But even after the bad date we still kept in contact. He still was messaging me a lot. Still was having lunch with me. Flirting with me. Coming over to my desk constantly and basically everything was still the same EXCEPT he didnt invite me back out after that first date. I mean I think he did a few other times, but two of the other times something would come up and we would have to cancel.

 

I started to get insecure because I know that when a guy likes you he will want to hang out with you. And he wasnt inviting me out. I did invite him out once but then I was sick for a week so we were never able to hang out. Since I felt so insecure I just wanted to know how he felt about me. I had told him on different occasions how I felt about him but he never would come out directly and say it. He would make hints(I.e. I pay attention to you closely) etc.

 

But he never could say it. Yesterday after bring sick of feeling insecure I texted him and asked him if he liked me or if he just wanted to be friends. I explained to him that I would be okay if he just wanted to be friends but that I did need to know because I don't want to get caught up for no reason. He avoided it. And was just telling me that I need to relax and go with the flow and let things happen naturally. That was it. I decided today that I needed to end things because its a problem to me when someone can't even tell u how they feel.

 

He knew I was mad today but he kept coming over up my desk, and creeping on me like he normally does. So I sent him a message telling him that for now I'm staying away from guys and that I hate liking people and I'm over it. He replied with "understood". Then he completely signed off chat messenger and has been ignoring me since.

 

I feel guilty but I just didnt feel like he was into me. Did I do the right thing?

[Woop1337]

How come every time you guys arrange a get together, something always comes up? (Being sick, etc.). From what I've read, he has shown you he likes you. Maybe you're the one sendin mixed signals.

[Claysmommy]

How come every time you guys arrange a get together, something always comes up? (Being sick, etc.). From what I've read, he has shown you he likes you. Maybe you're the one sendin mixed signals.

 

The two times he's arranged a get together since that first date--the first time the event we were going to go to was cancelled, the second time, the promo that we were going to go(that he invited me to) the girl who was in the promo quit so it was off, and he didn't invite me to do a backup event and said he wasn't feeling well. This last time, I was sick. But even so, there have been times where I feel like he could have asked me to hang out and he wouldn't, etc. So I just felt like if he really liked me then he would still be wanting to hang out more outside of work. When he stopped asking, I started to feel insecure.

 

And again the first date didn't go the best. We went out with a group of his friends--I'm already shy, it was all of his "guy" buddies from college-about 9 of them. And just me. I arrived very late, so he was upset about that. But then once that calmed down, things seemed to be going well, until everyone had too much drink and he wanted to dance--I didn't want to dance, and if anything just felt sleepy and not "wasted" enough to want to let loose and dance. I ended up calling it a night, a few hours into it, and he walked me to my car, and when I tried to ask him to kiss me, he rejected me and said that he didn't want to kiss me when I was drunk, etc.

 

I was pretty hurt and surprised by it. And confronted him about a week later, and he told me it wasn't rejection, it was just a "raincheck" that basically I was all sleepy and drunk and he didn't want to make out with me when I was in that position.

 

Needless to say between him not really asking me to hang out that much, him not wanting to kiss me when I tried to get him to, and between him not being able to tell me that either he just likes me as a friend or likes me and wants to see what happens, I just felt that it all meant he wasn't very attracted or just wasn't into me.

 

Like I said it felt like mixed signals. Because on one hand while he was constantly coming to my desk, eating lunch with me, taking breaks with me, trying to walk to my car, and flirting all the time. On the other hand the lack of asking me on the dates, him not being able to tell me how he feels, and the lack of physical advances(last week for the first time in almost 2.5 months of knowing each other he rubbed my thigh).

 

I really kept trying(or so I felt) to just go with the flow but in the end I have to protect my feelings. And if he can't even tell me how he feels or even wants to hang out or kiss or anything then I have to fall back because in the end I will be the one overly invested.

 

I did(and still do like him) I felt like I could tell him anything and he told me I could. But the fact that he couldnt' do the same, or didn't want to hang out with me that often just didn't feel right.

[Woop1337]

Very eloquently put. I get you now. You did the right thing. Now it's just horrible that you have to see this person at work. Best case scenario, he kinda likes you. Worst case scenario, he got nothing better to do.

 

His actions/inactions are not of a man who really likes you. Hopefully you move on from this hastily.

[Claysmommy]

Very eloquently put. I get you now. You did the right thing. Now it's just horrible that you have to see this person at work. Best case scenario, he kinda likes you. Worst case scenario, he got nothing better to do.

His actions/inactions are not of a man who really likes you. Hopefully you move on from this hastily.

 

Thanks that is what I thought to! In the beginning I do believe he really liked me--he constantly wanted to hang out, etc. But I think after that first date since it didn't go good, since then he might still like me but just not as much as before. He's sort of a weird guy. Again our first date was with a bunch of his guy friends, before that he had invited me to go out with him and his bro(as a date), and another time he wanted me to meet his family and go with him to take his little cousins trick or trick treating.

 

AFter the first date, he invited me to go out again to a promo whiskey event, featuring(later on I found out) half dressed girls giving out samples of whiskey. One of the girls that was in this promo was a model, and a friend of his.

 

Like I said, he just seemed weird and like he didn't understand how to date properly. The weird thing is that he was very intense early on. WAnting to chat all day everyday, coming to my desk constantly, etc. Even now he can be intense at times--he looked up my address, found out where I lived, got jealous when a number called me that he thought was a guy and he looked that number up. And he gets mad if I don't let him walk me to my car.

 

He'll pop up behind me(when I'm at desk) when I least expect. And there have been times where I've looked behind me and saw him walking by my desk(and his cubicle is on the other side of the office). He had me to take a personality aura test with him to see what our colors were and if he would make a good long term couple etc(a couple of weeks ago). SO I suppose I would have a felt a bit more secure about his feelings for me if he just would have asked me to hang out on more occasions and/or at least been able to tell me whether he wanted to be a friend to me or if he wanted more. Him avoiding the question was telling to me.

 

In the end I hope he understands why I had to cut him off-I did try to explain to him(which he ignored) in a message why... But it is definitely awkward to have to see him at work--thankfully he works on the other side of the building, so we don't run into each other that often.

 

I just wish he would have just been honest with me. it makes no sense why he couldn't just say that he wanted to be friends with me and didn't like me in that way. I even told him I would be okay with that(but that I would just adjust my feelings accordingly) and he still couldn't just own up to it and tell me. I had even asked him over the weekend if he thought I gave him mixed signals(just so that I could verify if maybe that was why he wouldn't ask me to kick it more) and he said no he didn't feel like I gave him mixed signals.

 

He's been in 3 other relationships--the first a girl he dated in Hs who cheated on him. The second a "crazy" girl cheerleader that he dated for a year(and he admitted he cheated on her). The last girl, was a girl that was his friend, and she gave him an ultimatium--either he never talk to her again or he becomes her boyfriend because she liked him too much. He agreed to be her boyfriend. But throughout their 4 year relationship, they broke up a few times and he admitted to having commitment issues to her. Upon reflection I don't think he was ever into her(though he claims they loved each other) but got roped in because of the ultimatium. I don't think he knows how to date right. And honestly maybe I saved myself from dating someone who just didn't have the assertiveness or "know-how" to date me.

 

Oh well.

Edited December 11, 2013 by Claysmommy