777doom Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 My ex-girlfriend broke things off with me 3 months ago because she couldn't stand the pressure of being in a long distance relationship at the same time as starting university in her own country. Of course I was heartbroken but I went NC for a while and then broke this and she told me some things about how much she had wanted to speak to me during this period etc and we have spoken about once a week since then. Over this period she has told me that she made a mistake and she still loves me and wants to be with me, and she said she knows she will have to prove it if she wants to get back with me. About 4 weeks ago she told me she had a uni ball and was taking someone but it was just a friend (I've seen this guy before so I know it's not someone she met at uni and they've been friends for many years before I was ever in the picture). I saw a couple of photos (on the legenday Facebook of course) of them together. There was one of them and he was standing behind her, with a single hand across her belly and her hands clasped over his. Despite myself knowing that they are only friends and she has told me that nothing has ever happened and nothing ever will happen... it still makes me feel quite hurt to see that. The fact is though that I had sex with another girl about 6 weeks after we had broken up (during NC), I thought that we were done for good and I was doing it really to make myself feel 'better'. I wasn't even properly attracted to the girl and it was just a one night stand. My question is, do I have the right to feel hurt by seeing these photos of her and her friend when I did something that I know would hurt her deeply if she ever found out, given the fact that we are both single and effectively free to do what we want? She is travelling to see me in the New Year with the aim of sorting things out and probably getting back together... I don't feel guilty about having sex with another girl, but I do feel a bit guilty about getting hurt by seeing her with this friend because I know I am very possessive... What do you girls/guys think?
jimloveslips Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 I don't feel guilty about having sex with another girl, but I do feel a bit guilty about getting hurt by seeing her with this friend Pot kettle black...
salparadise Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 My question is, do I have the right to feel hurt by seeing these photos of her and her friend when I did something that I know would hurt her deeply if she ever found out, given the fact that we are both single and effectively free to do what we want? Your feelings are your feelings. It's not a matter of having a right to your feelings, it's a matter of recognizing that you feel this way rather than trying to suppress the feelings, or adding guilt/shame because you're not supposed to feel a certain way. Now, this is not the same as holding her accountable for your feelings––that's not something you have a right to do given that you were broken up at the time. You can express your feelings to her appropriately if you decide to, but you own it rather than trying to make her feel bad because she didn't do anything wrong.
Author 777doom Posted December 10, 2013 Author Posted December 10, 2013 Pot kettle black... That's my point, I feel hurt and yet I know I've also done something a lot worse. If I had known we were likely to get back together there is no way I would have done it and I certainly never would during a relationship. You can express your feelings to her appropriately if you decide to, but you own it rather than trying to make her feel bad because she didn't do anything wrong. I have not tried to make her feel bad about it or anything as I am aware that it would be out of line for me to do so and a bit hypocritical. I guess I made this thread to know if I can forgive myself for doing it... my internal reasoning is that we weren't together at the time and I never thought we would be. Now things have turned around I regret it but then again hindsight is always 20/20
salparadise Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 That's my point, I feel hurt and yet I know I've also done something a lot worse. If I had known we were likely to get back together there is no way I would have done it and I certainly never would during a relationship. I have not tried to make her feel bad about it or anything as I am aware that it would be out of line for me to do so and a bit hypocritical. I guess I made this thread to know if I can forgive myself for doing it... my internal reasoning is that we weren't together at the time and I never thought we would be. Now things have turned around I regret it but then again hindsight is always 20/20 Hey man, just let it go. You didn't do anything wrong. She broke up with you and you went out and got yourself laid. So what? Perfectly normal and not anything you need to feel guilty about. I also don't think you need to confess it if you do get back together. You didn't betray her. What happened was a consequence of her actions. When someone breaks up with you, you have no further obligation to remain faithful. 2
Author 777doom Posted December 10, 2013 Author Posted December 10, 2013 Hey man, just let it go. You didn't do anything wrong. She broke up with you and you went out and got yourself laid. So what? Perfectly normal and not anything you need to feel guilty about. I also don't think you need to confess it if you do get back together. You didn't betray her. What happened was a consequence of her actions. When someone breaks up with you, you have no further obligation to remain faithful. That's how I would like to word it in my own mind, so thanks for that Sal. We aren't even back together yet and already I feel guilty about it, almost like I have cheated, because normally I am a very faithful person. I do have to decide whether I should tell her or not, when she comes over to talk then maybe I will tell her only what she wants to know, I still feel like there is a duty to be very honest when getting back together. Then again.. things could be very fragile and would it be best to wait until we are in a much stronger place before telling her (if at all)?
salparadise Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 Your duty to be honest does not include confessing something that occurred while you were broken up, and particularly since the breakup was not your doing. Some things are best left unsaid, and in this case it's not dishonest. Don't sabotage your chances by bringing it up, and hopefully she won't either. The only real concern (as opposed to the irrational stuff in your head), is the remote chance of you having acquired a STD during your little soiree'. Hopefully you used a condom, and if so I wouldn't worry about that either.
2fargone Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 Don't tell her unless she asks. And let go of what you think or feel about her pictures if you want this to succeed. Let her do the talking, don't offer anything unless asked.
gabgab Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 (edited) My ex-girlfriend broke things off with me 3 months ago because she couldn't stand the pressure of being in a long distance relationship at the same time as starting university in her own country. Of course I was heartbroken but I went NC for a while and then broke this and she told me some things about how much she had wanted to speak to me during this period etc and we have spoken about once a week since then. Over this period she has told me that she made a mistake and she still loves me and wants to be with me, and she said she knows she will have to prove it if she wants to get back with me. About 4 weeks ago she told me she had a uni ball and was taking someone but it was just a friend (I've seen this guy before so I know it's not someone she met at uni and they've been friends for many years before I was ever in the picture). I saw a couple of photos (on the legenday Facebook of course) of them together. There was one of them and he was standing behind her, with a single hand across her belly and her hands clasped over his. Despite myself knowing that they are only friends and she has told me that nothing has ever happened and nothing ever will happen... it still makes me feel quite hurt to see that. The fact is though that I had sex with another girl about 6 weeks after we had broken up (during NC), I thought that we were done for good and I was doing it really to make myself feel 'better'. I wasn't even properly attracted to the girl and it was just a one night stand. My question is, do I have the right to feel hurt by seeing these photos of her and her friend when I did something that I know would hurt her deeply if she ever found out, given the fact that we are both single and effectively free to do what we want? She is travelling to see me in the New Year with the aim of sorting things out and probably getting back together... I don't feel guilty about having sex with another girl, but I do feel a bit guilty about getting hurt by seeing her with this friend because I know I am very possessive... What do you girls/guys think? LOL you had sex with a girl you are not even attracted to, how disgusting... No you don't have the right. I wonder how your ex would feel if she read you f***ed a girl you weren't attracted to to "make yourself feel better." yet throw a hissy fit over her going to a dance with a friend where he barely touched her. I feel bad for her...I hope she doesn't get back together with you! She just went to a dance with a friend and you screwed a random girl you aren't even attracted to...you committed the deeper transgression in my opinion...but you'll probably lie like most men. So you're possessive but see no problem screwing a girl you aren't attracted to? Nice. What upstanding moral character you have. Edited December 11, 2013 by gabgab
salparadise Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 - 777d, use the ignore feature on this dipstick. ^^^
Author 777doom Posted December 11, 2013 Author Posted December 11, 2013 777d, use the ignore feature on this dipstick. ^^^ Haha, I can let this one go LOL you had sex with a girl you are not even attracted to, how disgusting... Yeah can you believe it... did you know some people even smoke cigarettes!? EWWWWW She just went to a dance with a friend and you screwed a random girl you aren't even attracted to...you committed the deeper transgression in my opinion...but you'll probably lie like most men. You are certainly correct that I committed the deeper transgression but the fact is that this wouldn't be an issue to anyone if we had carried on our seperate ways and never bothered with reconciliation. So just because I feel bad now, at the time there was nothing wrong with my actions. At least this was I am trying to establish.
emva07 Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 There is nothing to feel bad about, your feelings are your feelings. you were broken up....even if you did get back together....you don't owe her an explanation of what happened in between and neither does she to you. When/if you two get back together, there is no need to discuss that time off.
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