Iguanna Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 In my opinion I think you should concentrate on the fact that he had an affair for 10 months for now and try to work things after this. The affair is what you have to put all your interest in and not the browsing of the porn sites. It's like saying that you crashed the car on a tree, it's mostly destroyed and worrying now about a scratch on the color. Who cares? The thing is that you marriage went through a huge crash, don't pay attention on the scratch on the color. You know what I mean? It seems you have decided to forgive him about the affair so do your best to fix this instead of eating all your energy to find out if he looked at porn sites once. I'm sure you are emotionally exhausted after the revealing of the affair etc, so try to let these bad memories behind and try to fix your marriage.
BetrayedH Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 In my opinion I think you should concentrate on the fact that he had an affair for 10 months for now and try to work things after this. The affair is what you have to put all your interest in and not the browsing of the porn sites. It's like saying that you crashed the car on a tree, it's mostly destroyed and worrying now about a scratch on the color. Who cares? The thing is that you marriage went through a huge crash, don't pay attention on the scratch on the color. You know what I mean? It seems you have decided to forgive him about the affair so do your best to fix this instead of eating all your energy to find out if he looked at porn sites once. I'm sure you are emotionally exhausted after the revealing of the affair etc, so try to let these bad memories behind and try to fix your marriage. I get the sentiment here but if he is or was hooking up via dating websites, then he hasn't been and isn't being honest with her and THAT is a key problem. 3
Iguanna Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 I get the sentiment here but if he is or was hooking up via dating websites, then he hasn't been and isn't being honest with her and THAT is a key problem. This is something she will decide according to his general behavior after the revealing of the affair. Is he making efforts to earn back her trust? Is he trying to fix things? Does she feel he is again the man she once loved? If the answer to the above questions is no, then the looking at the dating sites are (again) the least of her problems. If the answer is yes, then I reckon she can let this one little thing (which he admitted he did while drunk) go.
Fluttershy Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 This is something she will decide according to his general behavior after the revealing of the affair. Is he making efforts to earn back her trust? Is he trying to fix things? Does she feel he is again the man she once loved? If the answer to the above questions is no, then the looking at the dating sites are (again) the least of her problems. If the answer is yes, then I reckon she can let this one little thing (which he admitted he did while drunk) go. I think the problem is he hasn't earned her trust again. So, him saying he was drunk is hard for her to believe. She has been very recently burned. 2
ChooseTruth Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 (edited) I still maintain there's no proof of cheating or attempts, but that doesn't mean I approve of what he's doing. I think he should be considerate of your paranoia considering what happened, even if he wasn't looking for someone to hook up with. It reminds me of my ex. She wasn't cheating when she went back to her MA class, but that's where it all started and it made me crazy. If him looking at porn makes you crazy, he should respect that and stay away from it regardless of whether he's cheating now or not. She doesn't need to be worrying about whether dating sites came from popups or not at this point. Besides, it might really be a slippery slope for him. How did his affair start? Edited December 11, 2013 by ChooseTruth 2
experiencethedevine Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 I am interested in what you mentioned in your post about the dopamine levels. I have done some research in that topic. My husband is likely a porn addict. When I tried to talk to him about it, he got very defensive, said he looked up his own research that disproves that theory. My personal experience has shown me that pornography is a slippery slope that if not kept in check is highly detrimental to marriage! I have sent you a pm Hattie..............
Iguanna Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 I think the problem is he hasn't earned her trust again. And I'm asking again, how is he handling this? Only when I get an answer to this will I be able to judge whether she should be worried about the porn or not.
experiencethedevine Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 This is something she will decide according to his general behavior after the revealing of the affair. Is he making efforts to earn back her trust? Is he trying to fix things? Does she feel he is again the man she once loved? If the answer to the above questions is no, then the looking at the dating sites are (again) the least of her problems. If the answer is yes, then I reckon she can let this one little thing (which he admitted he did while drunk) go. Provided that her instinctive alarm bells are satisfied..................
Fluttershy Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 This might be just my POV here but I think if a WS is in reconciliation she should give up personal porn and erotica. I think that when you are working on reconciliation and showing your spouse 100% commitement you shouldn't be getting off to outside sources. It seems to me a natural consequence and the respectful thing to do. Obviously, if your betrayed spouse could really care less about it then that is different. But a WS should just give it up or ask their BS if they would prefer they stop. And if the porn is something already being hidden from the BS then it is a no brainer to give it up. OP, have you and your WH discussed porn and where you stand on it? I understand your fear this is more. But I also know it really is possible it was as he said. I am with others on the remain cautious but don't jump to conclusion based only on that. 1
MissBee Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 More than the porn, you say you're afraid that if you essentially have boundaries with him and are hard on him (as you should be) you know he will go back to his affair partner. I'm surprised only one person also saw this as a huge problem. It's only been 10 weeks post dday so I get that everything is still topsy-turvy but I do think this seems to be more of a problem of how invested do you think he is in general? If you feel he will easily go back to his exAP and that he is also still on porn sites and potential hook up sites, you have to address it. And if you feel he is lying to you, you can't be afraid to put your foot down for fear that he will go back to his AP. If he wants to do that, let him! I know it's easier said than done but ultimately, a successful reconciliation IMO needs two people with BOTH feet in and especially the offending party should be double-time showing they are committed and the BS shouldn't be the one who is minding their Ps and Qs so the WS doesn't get upset and leave them. 4
Spark1111 Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 I get the sentiment here but if he is or was hooking up via dating websites, then he hasn't been and isn't being honest with her and THAT is a key problem. I often sense that many men get very defensive regarding porn viewing. for MOST men (and women) it is occasional, it is harmless and I say, so what? BUT in SOME instances, it CAN become addictive and DOES erode intimate relationships. In SOME cases, it IS a symptom of deeper issues and they are not GOOD issues to aid in the healing of a relationship devastated by infidelity. If your man is too busy viewing porn to join a living, breathing woman in their bed to make love....yeah, that's a BIG problem. And I reiterate; many a WS has been found to be visiting porn sites, blogging on them, engaging in ONS, threesomes, and all sorts of nonsense while seeming to be ALREADY having an affair with one AP. It's a red flag that all boundaries have been thrown out the window and they have given themselves permission to act, think and operate like a single person....while MARRIED to their unsuspecting spouse. Trust your gut. Stay vigilant. 2
janedoe67 Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 This might be just my POV here but I think if a WS is in reconciliation she should give up personal porn and erotica. I think that when you are working on reconciliation and showing your spouse 100% commitement you shouldn't be getting off to outside sources. It seems to me a natural consequence and the respectful thing to do. Obviously, if your betrayed spouse could really care less about it then that is different. But a WS should just give it up or ask their BS if they would prefer they stop. And if the porn is something already being hidden from the BS then it is a no brainer to give it up. OP, have you and your WH discussed porn and where you stand on it? I understand your fear this is more. But I also know it really is possible it was as he said. I am with others on the remain cautious but don't jump to conclusion based only on that. THIS. So much this. If someone has very recently pretty much destroyed their family as a result of, say, drunk driving, then I'd think - if they honestly care about that - they'd not even have a glass of wine with dinner for a good long time. I know affairs are about more than sex, but basically a WS has just trashed their family for sex. So anything sexual that does not involve their spouse should be off the table. At least until the BS feels safe and things like porn have been discussed. 1
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