Stillscared Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 DDay was about 10 weeks ago, so of course, I'm still occasionally checking his cell phone - and up until yesterday had found nothing. Then I notice he had deleted his browsing history. So that made me curious. What I found sickens me - over 30 porn and local hookup sites, and four of those sites appear to be sites that you can't get view much unless you're logged in. He claims he doesn't even have an email account (he a construction worker using an iphone), was just looking at pictures one night when he was drunk and that this all happened before d-day. He claims the reason there are so many sites is due to pop up ads, when he clicked on photos it took him to different sites, and that the screen on the iphone is so small he couldn't always read the print, so just clicked on the photos. I can't find any evidence that he does have an email account, but I don't believe him about not signing up to view the sites more than once. Him looking at pictures (if that's all it was) doesn't bother me that much (he claims it was one drunk night while I was out of town and he was looking for nude photos on his iPhone.) He since confessed it to our priest. But what makes me suspicious is that four of the sites (the ones that had the most data tracked) are sites that require logins in, like flirt4free, mobilefling, bigboobdatelink and affairs.sweetdiscreet.com Does anyone have any experience with their WS using Porn sites? To me, his affair (10.5 months!) is a much bigger deal, but the idea of being lied to once again is making me angrier than hell. I'm about ready to eject him from the house, except I know that he will contact and go back with his affair partner if I do that, so ... crap, not sure what to do. Please help, but don't be mean to me, I'm really trying to sort this out and it's only been 2.5 months since D-day.
BHsigh Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 I admit that I look at porn on my phone, and one popular free porn site in particular (PH is its initials) does indeed have a lot of pop ups, including dating sites such as the ones that you mentioned. These all show up in your browsing history, making it appear that you were visiting the site. Funny enough, the easiest way to tell that he wasn't going to those sites would have been to not have deleted the browsing history, that way you could have seen that they came up between different pages loading. Him deleting his browsing history is highly suspicious though, demand that he no longer does this and keep an eye on him. 2
BetrayedH Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 I've always dabbled around with porn. I know what sites I can go to and avoid pop-ups. If he's a rookie, it's quite possible that quite a few windows were opened that he had no intention of viewing. In many cases, you never even get to the picture you wanted to see; you just get one page after another advertising dating websites. It's plausible that exactly what he said is what happened. It's also possible that he had more going on than just his affair. My gut says you're stuck with the usual "trust but verify" approach. You've just got another angle to verify. It's up to you to decide when you've just had enough. 1
Clay Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 So your staying with him because you don't want him to go with the other woman? Porn sites are common for men. Dating sites and flirting sites are just him looking to hook up again with someone else. Do you really feel that low about yourself to allow him to treat you like this? Clay 1
ChooseTruth Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 (edited) Yup, he may be telling the truth. Popups can come from all sorts of weird places. What's really sick is even AshleyMadison comes up sometimes....yuck. If you find one of the sites is logged into, that's a big difference. Sometimes it seems the porn sites go out of their way to make it look like you are in an actual affair, fake messages on the screen saying "You have 2 messages from fluffy bunny from <town you live in>"...and it's really just a popup ad. I don't know where they get my town from If he's been caught in an affair...you'd think he'd have some consideration especially if you don't approve of porn. Oh and BH is right about the false links and stuff, you can end up making a much bigger trail than what you actually spent time on. If you looked at my history you might find some stuff that disgusts us both! Edited December 10, 2013 by ChooseTruth
experiencethedevine Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 Have you considered that it might be the indication of a porn addiction? It is unfortunately becoming an increasing problem spreading the internet. Some of the most horrific things can be found online in a click, and worse, the kind of sites you describe prolific. In my professional life I am dealing constantly with the effect of porn addiction, even in young teens, as a result of what it does to dopamine levels in the brain (the pleasure and reward centre of the brain). It raises and alters those neuro-pathways very quickly, and is very difficult to reverse. In my personal life, my husband during his affair ( a very long time ago) was also invested in an inordinate amount of porn (some of it VERY strange, and I am sexually uninhibited) as well as sex chat sites and the like. Horrid business. It took him two years after dday and his bags packed and sent to his work before he sought real help for his borderline addiction. Hypnotherapy was the answer. Within two months he was the man I recognised as my husband. He has not been near porn since. 3
Elias33 Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 If you have to check his phone, isn't it already over? 1
Spark1111 Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 When someone crosses a major line......like engaging in an EA/PA for a while....it is NOT a stretch for them to be on many questionable sites...... It is as if ALL their boundaries have fallen away....and they are single again..... MANY a BS has discovered this scenario at DDay....All sorts of weird stuff...... My advice? CALL HIM OUT on ALL of it. And make him accountable for it. 1
Lillyfree Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 i could be in the minority but i see nothing wrong with porn (especially for guys) as long as that doesn't become a replacement for your sex life. if it adds to it/keeps him going, then happy times. look at my thread in marriage section, there's worse options...
atreides Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 (edited) I've always dabbled around with porn. I know what sites I can go to and avoid pop-ups. If he's a rookie, it's quite possible that quite a few windows were opened that he had no intention of viewing. In many cases, you never even get to the picture you wanted to see; you just get one page after another advertising dating websites. It's plausible that exactly what he said is what happened. It's also possible that he had more going on than just his affair. My gut says you're stuck with the usual "trust but verify" approach. You've just got another angle to verify. It's up to you to decide when you've just had enough. This is true having helped program a couple, (no flaming) i had nothing to do with ads, just search database indexing and storage of pics and vids i could be in the minority but i see nothing wrong with porn (especially for guys) as long as that doesn't become a replacement for your sex life. Agreed but i don't care about which sex chooses to view porn. Some give good ideas for W and I in new explorations. Edited December 11, 2013 by atreides
Fluttershy Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 i could be in the minority but i see nothing wrong with porn (especially for guys) as long as that doesn't become a replacement for your sex life. if it adds to it/keeps him going, then happy times. look at my thread in marriage section, there's worse options... I have to call you on this.. Why especially for guys? Contrary to popular and perpetrated belief... Guys don't need porn to survive. Shocking, i know, but true. So why do you have even a less problem with porn for guys (hence the word especially used) OP, you are aware of private browsing on the phone right? Your husband could be going/signing in to anything while in private browser mode. 1
BetrayedH Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 I have to call you on this.. Why especially for guys? Contrary to popular and perpetrated belief... Guys don't need porn to survive. Shocking, i know, but true. So why do you have even a less problem with porn for guys (hence the word especially used) OP, you are aware of private browsing on the phone right? Your husband could be going/signing in to anything while in private browser mode. She could also check indexed searches, because those are typically user-initiated. It would typically indicate what he's searching for, as opposed to his internet history which shows anything that was opened.
Lillyfree Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 i said 'especially for guys' because in my experience there's a larger percentage of men to women that are into porn. a lot of women i know would not watch and a couple of fruitcakes even consider it cheating in saying that, i have a look every now and then so please let's all relax, i wasn't trying to be sexist.
experiencethedevine Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 (edited) i could be in the minority but i see nothing wrong with porn (especially for guys) as long as that doesn't become a replacement for your sex life. if it adds to it/keeps him going, then happy times. look at my thread in marriage section, there's worse options... I think you might be missing the point here Lillyfree. This concerns more than simply watching soft porn, there are possibilities of much more insidious behaviour going on here. Edited December 11, 2013 by experiencethedevine
crederer Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Porn sites? No problem. And yeah, they have lots of pop ups that'd appear to be dating sites. The issue is he had an affair. Porn is nothing compared to that. 2
experiencethedevine Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Porn sites? No problem. And yeah, they have lots of pop ups that'd appear to be dating sites. The issue is he had an affair. Porn is nothing compared to that. Sometimes they go together. In other words more is simply more and more.............of all of it, perhaps. 1
Author Stillscared Posted December 11, 2013 Author Posted December 11, 2013 Thanks for the thoughtful answers they help. By the way, he had deleted his browsing history, but on a lark I was looking at the internet settings under iphone, setting, safari, advanced, webdata and viola, it showed what sites had been visited AND how much data had been accessed on those sites. Over 30 porn and dating sites were in the list. I signed into most of them and was disgusted. (He claimed that it was from one night last summer of drunken browsing on his phone while I was out of town.) What bothered me most is that I couldn't get into some of the links becuase they don't work unless you have an account on that site, so... does that mean he has an account and is lying to me about that? I checked his computer history (he doesn't know how to delete it), and there's no porn there at all. The only porn I found was on his phone. Is 30 sites possible in one night's photo browsing? Bleh!
experiencethedevine Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Thanks for the thoughtful answers they help. By the way, he had deleted his browsing history, but on a lark I was looking at the internet settings under iphone, setting, safari, advanced, webdata and viola, it showed what sites had been visited AND how much data had been accessed on those sites. Over 30 porn and dating sites were in the list. I signed into most of them and was disgusted. (He claimed that it was from one night last summer of drunken browsing on his phone while I was out of town.) What bothered me most is that I couldn't get into some of the links becuase they don't work unless you have an account on that site, so... does that mean he has an account and is lying to me about that? I checked his computer history (he doesn't know how to delete it), and there's no porn there at all. The only porn I found was on his phone. Is 30 sites possible in one night's photo browsing? Bleh! There are a multitude of possibilities, and 30 sites in an evening might turn out to be very little in effect.
Chi townD Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Well, if he ONLY looking at porn (and not going to chat rooms and such) then, there are worse things he could be doing (.i.e. a 10.5 month affair!). Sorry, but guys are very visual creatures and they (we) look at porn. But, it's not because we desire the model on the screen. We kinda view it no different than sports.....just....the naked kind.
ChooseTruth Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 (edited) Thanks for the thoughtful answers they help. By the way, he had deleted his browsing history, but on a lark I was looking at the internet settings under iphone, setting, safari, advanced, webdata and viola, it showed what sites had been visited AND how much data had been accessed on those sites. Over 30 porn and dating sites were in the list. I signed into most of them and was disgusted. (He claimed that it was from one night last summer of drunken browsing on his phone while I was out of town.) What bothered me most is that I couldn't get into some of the links becuase they don't work unless you have an account on that site, so... does that mean he has an account and is lying to me about that? I checked his computer history (he doesn't know how to delete it), and there's no porn there at all. The only porn I found was on his phone. Is 30 sites possible in one night's photo browsing? Bleh! I think it's very possible. The sites all link to each other. He might have spent 2 seconds on half of them, thinking "eww" and hit the back button to try a different link. Just because it's in his history doesn't mean he was in love with it. "What bothered me most is that I couldn't get into some of the links becuase they don't work unless you have an account on that site, so... does that mean he has an account and is lying to me about that?" It means pretty much nothing. I'm betting he wasn't logged in, I could always be wrong. I think it's more likely they were popups. The point is I don't think you have conclusive evidence for cheating here, or even evidence at an attempt at cheating. Edited December 11, 2013 by ChooseTruth
RightThere Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Is 30 sites possible in one night's photo browsing? Bleh! If he was drunk, yes. It's call whiskey d$%k and may take some time.
experiencethedevine Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 What is important to recognise is that your suspicions have been raised. How you address this will determine what you do next. If your instincts are indicating that there is some concern, then you should follow your instincts and research.
Hattie Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 I am interested in what you mentioned in your post about the dopamine levels. I have done some research in that topic. My husband is likely a porn addict. When I tried to talk to him about it, he got very defensive, said he looked up his own research that disproves that theory. My personal experience has shown me that pornography is a slippery slope that if not kept in check is highly detrimental to marriage! 1
RightThere Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 My personal experience has shown me that pornography is a slippery slope that if not kept in check is highly detrimental to marriage! A lot of porn is similar to an affair. People get addicted to them and check out of their relationship with their spouse. Is one worse than the other? I think porn in moderation is fine. But there is no moderate level of an affair. 1
BetrayedH Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Thanks for the thoughtful answers they help. By the way, he had deleted his browsing history, but on a lark I was looking at the internet settings under iphone, setting, safari, advanced, webdata and viola, it showed what sites had been visited AND how much data had been accessed on those sites. Over 30 porn and dating sites were in the list. I signed into most of them and was disgusted. (He claimed that it was from one night last summer of drunken browsing on his phone while I was out of town.) What bothered me most is that I couldn't get into some of the links becuase they don't work unless you have an account on that site, so... does that mean he has an account and is lying to me about that? I checked his computer history (he doesn't know how to delete it), and there's no porn there at all. The only porn I found was on his phone. Is 30 sites possible in one night's photo browsing? Bleh! Yes, I think 30 different pages in one night's browsing is possible when you consider that he may have been searching for what suited his fancy and the number of popups and redirects that happen as part of all that. I'm with ChooseTruth on this one. You have proof of porn use but little else. Al that said, I think it would be wise to stay vigilant.
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